The Wedding Monster
by HelloSunshine89
Summary: Rory and Jess are getting married! In this chapter! That's right; the final chapter is finally up. Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-check it out.
1. I Turn My Crazy On

**Chapter 1:** I Turn My Crazy On

**Author's Note:** To be cliché and "fit in" I guess I'll start off by saying I'm new at this. As I say in my profile, I'm a baby writer. I just learned my ABC's and 123's. I can barely reach the keyboard.

I'm not really into suspense and drama, at least I've found in my writing. What I have written here is a chapter of completely ridiculous, trying to hard to be Gilmore dialogue. So if you hate dialogue, and humor, this may not be your favorite story on fan fiction.

**Summary:** The idea is simple: Rory and Jess are engaged. Crazy antics will ensue. Stupid dialogue will be exchanged. Lorelai will be so freakin Lorelai you might want her to stop drinking coffee. Characters will be OOC, I am sure. And I am sure you won't agree with the whole plot outline. But I hope you at least laugh once, even if it's a small "That's so stupid" chuckle.

I think the year is 2008 (of course that could change depending on if I need it to) and it might be Mayish. Assume the past is the past, and if you hated something that happened, just mentally delete it from your brain. I know I have (i.e., Rory's ugly season 4 sweaters).

Luke and Lorelai are just BFF. And it has to stay that way or I would have to add way too many West Virginia jokes that just get awkward after awhile. And I will try to incorporate as many characters as possible, but it will mostly be Rory/Lorelai dialogue, because they are the gabbiest.

I'm a monkey. I want to entertain you.

So read, bitches! And if you want to get to know me better (is this sounding like my online dating profile?) message me or email me to ask me how frickin crazy I am.

**By the way disclaimer:** Oprah owns everything. Get used to it.

* * *

Rory took another scoop from her Ben and Jerry's pint, realizing she was getting dangerously close to the bottom. 

"Oh no, the unladylike licking is about to ensue," Lorelai said, noticing Rory's "dilemma" from the corner of her eye.

"I don't get how you do it. You look like you are fully into the movie and yet you always notice when I hit my ice cream emergency point," Rory said, licking the spoon, even though the last drop of ice cream was gone long ago.

"Hon, your face gets totally scrunched up. Then you get all blushy, like you just heard a dirty joke and bang your spoon on the side of the container. It's so obvious."

"Still, mind freaky." Rory thought for a second, and then got her "I just had a brilliant idea face" on. "If you loved me, you'd put on your pretty face and go to Doose's and buy more! We are getting low on corn chips as well and you know what goes really good together? Corn chips and rocky road!"

"Dude, are you pregnant? Or did you smoke a joint again before coming home and now have insane munchies?" Lorelai rubbed her belly, while saying this all in her Spicoli like persona she used from time to time, especially on out of towners.

Rory blushed, "What? We always do the weird food combos. Nothing strange about that. Nope not at all. Completely normal. And you're the one who went searching for Sookie and Jackson's "pickles" the other year, not me."

Rory coughed out the words pot head, trying to be cute.

"Just for that, no ice cream run. And besides, you told me I needed to put on my pretty face," Lorelai gasped and pointed to her face "this face never gets ugly. It only gets shades of morning ugly, but that doesn't count since coffee and concealer cures that."

"You are so sensitive," Rory whined.

"You are so fat," Lorelai shot back.

Rory was too shocked to speak. Fat was an evil, evil word only used be those crazy skinny bitches in Hollywood.

"And your boobs are getting so big, like about to poke my eyes out big. Oh and watch out for that double chin. Don't look down or you have two faces." Lorelai paused, then remembered she meant to add something, "By the way, this is all just motherly love talk, not crazy, obsessed "I wish you were a pageant girl" talk."

"Okay, maybe I put on a few pounds…"

"A few? You are Kirstie Alley waddling around eating fries and screaming "Make my pants fit!" Would you like to call Jenny today? Maybe Valerie can be your sponsor."

"It's not AA mom. Seriously. I am not fat. And my boobs look great."

"For a fatso."

"I'm leaving..." Rory got up, threw Lorelai an evil eye and started putting on her bunny slippers to walk…well she was not sure where she was going, just away from the fat nazi.

"Hey, I thought we could do fat jokes with each other? I thought we didn't have to eat cake in front of the Ivy to prove we aren't anorexic. Are we having some body issues that mommy needs to help you sort out? I am sure I could get Mary-Kate on the phone. She'd be so helpful," Lorelai genuinely felt bad, even though you couldn't tell.

"It's just...forget it, you wouldn't get it. You haven't been married."

"Pulling out the old maid burn, ouch. Classic, yet deadly. Love it. Come here my little bitch."

Lorelai enveloped Rory in a hug, and Rory started to tear up, randomly.

"What's wrong? Has The Princess Bride gotten to you that much?"

"It's just, he says as you wish and that means I love you. It's so perfect, you know? Why hasn't Jess ever said as you wish to me?" Rory wiped a few tears off her cheek, saying this all with complete seriousness.

"Because this is the year 2008 and he isn't your farm boy? Unless you have some weird role play…"

"Ew, mom, gross, no. And even if we did, I wouldn't tell you, especially if he played farm boy and I was his forbidden princess stuck in the castle and the only way he could get me out was by using his sword…"

"Woah, woah, what happened to our don't policy? Similar to the don't ask, don't tell thing, only I never ask and you never speak about that part of you and Jess' life? Did you forget about the contract I had you sign?"

"Mom, we had drunk like five appletinis that night, were dancing and singing along with Chicago and signed it with a hello kitty pen. It wasn't exactly the most valid contract out there. But I'll spare you. Sorry."

Lorelai let out a heavy sigh of relief. Thinking about her daughter _that_ way was not pleasant. "Okay, back to the crying issue. What is this about?"

"What if this is too fast? What if we aren't ready for marriage? Jess and I have only been back together for a little over a year. What if he isn't my Westley?" Rory started to cry again, grabbing for tissues to blow her nose. It was that ugly crying where you got all snotty and had tears running down your neck.

"Wow, Princess Bride going off. Mom face on. Rory, look at me." Lorelai grabbed Rory's face and made sure their eyes were locked before she spoke. "Now while Jess wasn't my first choice for you or my second or third, the top three weren't available. Something about being famous; Jake Gyllenhal sends his love from the mountain. And Justin Timberlake says what goes around comes around. I don't think that was very helpful but he is obsessed."

"Mom, I'm just so upset. I am so fat! And the dress fitting tomorrow is going to be a disaster. And the day of the wedding I'll bloat up, my makeup will be whorish and I'll be so drugged up I'll pull a Sixteen Candles callback."

"Maybe Jake will drive up for me and I can be sixteen all over again."

"Mom!" Rory screeched, in a classic Rory screech moment.

"Sorry, this is just so ridiculous. Okay, back to speech time. So, you picked Jess. You, not me. You picked Jess over Prince William..."

"He wasn't a choice, mom."

"Let a mother dream; it's hard to let go of my fantasy British accent son in law. So back to Jess. You chose him, again. And even though you proposed, Jess still said yes, meaning he decided you were better than his monk lifestyle. Oh and don't correct me on that. I must believe Jess has been celibate or I will seriously kill him."

"Aw mom, I'm going to start crying again"

"You're my baby. I can't help it. Hug again?"

"Of course, even though drugs are better."

"I can't believe I got high with you on your 23rd birthday. What was I thinking? Mrs. Brady didn't get high with Marcia."

"Only because they didn't have access to Pink Floyd and cotton candy ice cream. That was one of our best tri-combos ever."

"It was legendary. And to think, we made it without having one of those freak outs and needing to go in a bad trip tent."

"I think that left town with the troubadours two summers ago. Oh well, if I could remember it, I would peg it as the best birthday ever."

"We've had some crazy times over these 23, almost 24 years."

"And now I'm getting married."

"To a boy!"

"I know."

"Rosie would not be impressed."

"I bet she loves you, though"

"Ugh. Engaged girls are mean,"

"Jealous bridesmaids are bitchy."

"Correction: maid of honor."

"Do you still want a trophy with "Bitchiness Maid of Honor Ever" written on it?"

"And a cape. I'm thinking pink, with a unicorn on the back. Oh and a tiara."

"That reminds me of Princess Bride. Mom!" Rory went into semi hysterical mode, yet again.

"Sorry, let's talk about…babies! How many are you thinking? And how fast are you going to be popping those suckers out? I need to know. Personally, I want twelve, so you and Jess need to become bunny rabbits. I want to be known as a hot grandma so you can't wait until I am 50."

"No, talking about babies won't freak crazy Rory out at all. Real awesome choice of topic, mom" Rory put two thumbs up, but these were two sarcastic thumbs up, followed by the pout face.

"Talking in third person isn't crazy at all either, Lorelai said."

"You narrate yourself now?"

"When in crazy land."

The Girls took a break from their gabbing and just sat on the couch, consumed by their own thoughts. Rory's face went through about twelve emotions in 10 seconds: anger, depression, happiness, pain, surprise, hate...and the list goes on. She executed each emotion beautifully, making Lorelai stop her inner thoughts and take a front row seat to Rory's Emotions, coming to a theater near you, never. Then Lorelai got the ding dong light bulb moment face, and boom, Rory did as well at the exact same moment.

Lorelai spoke up first.

"This will be the last few months of the Gilmore Girls rein. We need some big prank, an explosion or a David Blaine style trick to go out in style. Only we **WILL** hold our breath for 9 minutes. David Blaine is such a tool."

Rory's head snapped up "What? I'm not changing my name."

"Really? So Jess has decided to become a Gilmore? How girly of him. He's taking on a tough job. Eating copious amounts of junk food, while not gaining a pound and drinking vats of coffee isn't as easy as it looks."

"No. I'm just staying like I am and so is he"

"Are you sure Jess will be okay with this? Some men have this need for their woman to take their name. It goes back to caveman times."

"Jess isn't a caveman, mom. And even if we haven't verbalized it he knows I can't change my last name."

"Rory, men don't read minds. They don't learn silent signals either. And they really don't listen particularly well. I think you have to dress up like Tom Brady to get them to pay attention. Or for Jess, some dead author guy."

"We're going to pre-marriage counseling. I'm sure they'll sort this all out for us."

"Okay, backing off. So where's the list?"

"What list?" Rory asked, avoiding eye contact with Lorelai.

"Sweaty palms, avoiding eye contact, playing with the hem of your shirt. All signs point to Rory lying. So what's the pro/con list about this time?"

"Whether or not to tell grandma and grandpa." Rory stood up and started pacing in front of the couch, biting her nails.

"You haven't told them yet? It's been a month! I thought you said it was all taken care of, that you would handle it?"

"It just slipped my mind. Ugh, I need the pepto bottle." Rory grabbed the pepto bismol bottle off of the table and started chugging on the pink liquid.

"And now you aren't sure you are going to tell them? This is going to go over real well. When you and Jess divorce in eight years and they read about it in the paper they'll be all "Not our Rory, she was never married. And the hoodlum, oh no, this was Lorelai's doing." And then they'll have me killed. Do you want that Ror?" Lorelai's heart beat had quickened and she started counting backwards from ten to calm down.

"I'll go tomorrow, after the dress fitting. The list was stupid. It was Jess' idea," then Rory smacked her forehead leaving a bright, red mark, "I just called my fiancé's idea stupid. This marriage is so over."

Rory sunk down in the couch, like she had been physically beat. And she kind of had. The engagement was driving her insane. She had already set up separate counseling appointments for herself. Her OCD and perfectionism were causing her to lose it.

When Rory wasn't paying attention, Lorelai had stalked off to the kitchen and was rummaging around in the fridge. Rory heard a loud "ah ha!" followed by a "sweet, yes!" and went to see what the excitement was about. Lorelai had a bottle of vodka and was chugging it. If she would have been upside down, it could have been a keg stand.

"Drinking isn't going to help, mom."

"That's what you think, little miss bossy pants. I'm now going to bed to get a long, long, Rumpelstiltskin style nights sleep. When I wake up in the morning, we get up, go to the dress fitting, then you go see the MacBeth's. Night babe."

Lorelai kissed Rory on the head and climbed the stairs to her bedroom, vodka bottle in hand.

"You better not be hung over in the morning! We are not listening to Wannabe on repeat. I hate that song and it does not cure hangovers. And no tacos if you do this on purpose!" After Rory's little tirade, she stalked off to her room, slamming her door for effect, letting out a bit of her 16 year old self that still lived in this house.

* * *

Tomorrow it all officially started. Yeah, she and Jess had been engaged for a month, but she was going to look at dresses and tell the grandparents. That solidified it; made it real. An announcement in the paper would follow, so everyone in Connecticut would know (not by her, but Emily, because that is what a "proud" grandmother did in society). Now all she needed was a ring. 

Why she had agreed to a ring pop was beyond her. Yes, at that moment she was being impractical asking Jess to marry her, but like any stupid girl, in the stupid magazines, wearing the stupid, fluffy dresses she expected Jess to run out and buy a ring. It was the vain side of her coming out. But then Jess said he wanted to get her one, but then money became an issue and being so in love (how stupid!) she had said "No big deal, I'll just wear a red ring pop. It'll be cute and mom will go nuts. And it will be a yummy treat if I get hungry from all the pre wedding starving."

Boy did she feel lame now, laying here, staring at a licked and sticky red ring pop.

"Rory, I can sense you are awake. Go to bed or you'll wake up super ugly." Lorelai yelled this down, slightly giggly. You could tell she was a little buzzed because she had the volume up way too high on the TV and when she drinks, she acts like she has lost her hearing.

Rory heard Meredith Grey whining about something about McDreamy. Ugh. McDreamy.

Rory moved around in her bed. Her bed. The last her bed she'll have, unless she and Jess are like Ricky and Lucy.

It's scary. The last "her" bed. She mentally reminded herself to take a picture.

Good night pre-fitting jitters.

**

* * *

**

**Ending author's note:** This isn't peer pressure. I can't force you to do anything you don't want to, so review at your own risk. I hear there are sharks in the scary review waters. Ah!

I think I just lost about 1000 reviews. I lied. There aren't sharks! Please come back into Review Ocean. _Please!_


	2. The Perfect Dress, Recycled

**Chapter 2:** The Perfect Dress, Recycled

**Author's Note: **Before you tell me I've turned my characters into crazy green, Al Gore loving hippies, Rory's dress isn't really recycled. She didn't take a dress from some weird Project Runway challenge made from all organic materials or soda cans and newspaper. Of course, now that I think about it, that might have been pretty funny; Rory rummaging through the trash to build her dress. Oh well, I guess I'll just stick with the title as a reference, not the actual plot of the chapter.

**My P.S. Note:** No matter what I said above, I support being a hippie. Power to the tree huggers

**Disclaimer:** I think George Clooney might own everything now. I'm not sure. He is definitely the most expensive whore I know of. And that has to give him some type of power.

* * *

Rory heard a loud rumble coming from Lorelai's room as she approached the door. When she stepped inside, she saw what the sound was coming from: her mother. Sprawled out on the bed snoozing, her hair was matted to the side of her face, probably from a mix of drool and vodka, the bottle discarded on the floor, empty. She was hugging her pillow like she was having a bad dream while Paul Anka licked her unsugarlike toes, without waking her. 

At first Rory was going to laugh. But then she got mad. And bitchy.

She hadn't slept one minute the night before. She went into the kitchen, took a handful of no dozs and watched the home shopping network, mind blown. She never knew vacuums could be so cool.

She wouldn't be sleeping for weeks. She could even hear her heart thumping, trying to come out of her chest. She thought she was sweating. Her eyes were dilated. She looked stoned.

But never mind that, back to Lorelai.

Rory decided to push her off the bed. So little, innocent, chicken arms Rory grabbed Lorelai's feet and with an act of super strength, pulled her off the bed.

Paul Anka scattered and went sprinting into the bathroom. Lorelai went tumbling down.

"Oh my god, I see a house flying by." Lorelai let out a groan, and then wondered how she ended up on the floor. "Was there an earthquake? Where's Paul Anka? My back. Ow. I can't feel it anymore."

"Get up." Rory was short and to the point.

"How is it fair that the person who is not on the floor gets to be grouchy? And how did I get here?"

"There was a big gust of wind, and then you had a great fall. Luckily, I can put you back together again."

"You did this?" Lorelai asked, shocked her daughter could be so mean.

"Yes. I have five no dozs in me, at least, ten cups of coffee and three red bulls. I am really out of control as to what my body does. It's like tourettes."

"Wasn't that your college exam formula? Why are you taking it now? And my god, give a sista a hand and help me off of the floor. I am going to be attacked by dust bunnies down here. They've formed some weird cult. They suffocate me."

Rory gave Lorelai her hand and yanked her up, Lorelai bouncing upright.

"Mom, the hello kitty clock says its 7:35…"

"Who gets up this early? Besides Luke and Charlie, the newspaper boy who broke the key turtle."

"Us. Today. Just go in the shower, now. And no long tirade about bath salts and Oprah; we don't have time. I want to leave in time to get a cappuccino."

"You are addicted to Starbucks. It's sad. You abandoned little town coffee for big ole cooperate Starbucks and their Paul McCartney cds."

Rory gave Lorelai a hard push, causing Lorelai to stumble right into the bathroom.

"You're lucky I didn't fall or you'd have a lawsuit on your hands, missy!"

"Mom, please. Scrub, wash, shave, rinse, brush, repeat."

"That'll take me at least two hours. Can't I just wear my juicy sweats and forget the whole being clean thing?

"No. They make us look like we should be auditioning for My Super Sweet 16, especially that time you made us match and wear Gucci sunglasses. And you smell like you live on a diary farm. You stink."

"Fine, have it your way. But guess what? I'm bringing the video camera."

"No."

"Yes. My daughter, a future reality star. Make sure to smile slutty for the camera." Lorelai tugged at Rory's cheeks. "You'll be the best bridezilla since Starr Jones."

"I hate you."

"Add your name to the list. It just keeps getting longer."

"I wonder why." Rory rolled her eyes and walked out of Lorelai's room, muttering about being the president of the "I hate Lorelai Gilmore" fan club.

Strangely, this made Lorelai smile. Her daughter had become a lunatic since becoming engaged to Jess. Well, if you could call it engaged. It was more of a Cracker Jack box commitment. Or in this case, ring pop commitment. If Rory ate the ring pop, would that mean the engagement was off?

Lorelai laughed to herself. They were adorable in a geeky, completely boring way. She had these weird dreams where Rory and Jess sat at the dinner table reading the phone book to each other, smiling, saying over and over what a wonderful time they were having. Maybe they were more of a creepy cute than an adorable.

**

* * *

****Rory and Lorelai are sitting at the only stop light in Stars Hollow, arguing. Actually it's more of Rory yelling and Lorelai just rolling her eyes or laughing at Rory's hysterics, provoking Rory even more. Lorelai turns off the engine, deciding she isn't going to move this car until Rory stops throwing her three year old flashback tantrum.**

"Mom, the light is green! You can't do that," Rory then whispered, "You'll get a ticket."

"They can't hear you out there Rory. Calm down. Until you stop waving those Nicole Richie arms around, I'm not moving the car."

The three cars behind Lorelai began to honk their horns, so Lorelai started to honk back, starting a pattern: three quick honks, one long slow honk, followed by two short again.

"Ha, it's my own morse code." Lorelai giggled at this.

"I'm sorry I went psycho bride, again."

"Okay."

"And I don't blame you for never getting married. I was just being… irrational. You're my best friend. I…don't know what I was thinking. I guess I wasn't."

"Yep, you weren't."

"And you're better off alone because you are awesome. You can stand on your own two feet and god, I admire that so much. All you need is Paul Anka and coffee. It's so awesome."

"You said awesome twice. Yale would frown at you and point fingers and ask why you don't have gray hairs yet."

"I know." Rory paused, "Should I start singing "Don't Give Up On Me?"

"Maybe later, when you tell me that I look ugly in the maid of honor dress you pick for me."

"So will you start driving now? I think Luke is about to walk out here. He has been staring and talking on the phone."

"He probably called Jess and asked if you were pregnant or something."

"Why is everyone assuming I am pregnant?"

"Because in a blind rage blackout yesterday you ran in Luke's, asked for a cup of coffee, then threw it at him and said "No more hair gel!" and ran out."

"I don't remember that."

"Good thing it's on the front page of the Stars Hollow Gazette then."

"You're joking."

"Rory Gilmore: Caffeine Overload or Jessabies." Get it? Jess + rabies. Those little sixteen year old interns have gotten so creative. Oh I almost forgot the best part, there is a picture!"

Rory buried her face in her hands and started to rock back and forth.

"This is so bad. Jess isn't going to marry me after he sees that."

"Nah, he'll just sleep with a knife under his pillow. But you really should get those rage blackouts checked out."

"It's just stress. I carry valium with me now. I must have forgotten to take one."

"I didn't know my daughter had morphed into Judy Garland. Where are the ruby slippers and empty pill bottles?"

Rory glanced at her watch, and then started hyperventilating.

"Oh no." Lorelai knew this wasn't good.

"Drive. Now. Fast. Starbucks. Paul. Dress. 10:30. Please." Rory could barely get those few words out. She looked around the jeep, saw a Banana Republic bag and started to breathe into that.

"Frak. Okay, just keep breathing. You know I can't do CPR under pressure." Lorelai started panicking. She hadn't had coffee yet. She couldn't deal with this!

"Lady, get moving. We all have somewhere to go. I don't sit under stoplights for fun."

Lorelai heard this random man yelling at her and decided she was not going to take it ("We're Not Gonna Take It" was playing over and over in her head).

"Oh, shut up. I've got a kid in here who can't breathe because she hasn't listened to Paul McCartney yet or had a cappuccino and it is 10 freakin o'clock. Okay? I'll go when I want to go."

"I'm calling the cops!" a woman behind him screamed.

Lorelai stuck her head out the window so she could project her rant toward the cars behind her.

"What, call the one cop in town that takes ten minutes to get here on their bike? Oh that's real brilliant." Lorelai started clapping her hands, completely ignoring Rory's nonverbal pleas to drive. Rory finally found her voice (and her breath).

"Mom, please go. You can be million dollar baby later."

"Okay, I'll go. I just don't think it's fair that random people can yell at me over some dumb stoplight. Going is a choice. Everyone knows that."

"Mom," Rory said in her deep, dark, alley voice, stern and a bit horrifying to anyone under age 10 (Lorelai being the one adult exception).

Lorelai sighed.

She officially hated weddings as of today.

**

* * *

****The Girls are at a bridal boutique in Hartford, whereabouts irrelevant. Rory is gazing in a mirror at the third atrocious dress she has tried on. Lorelai is sitting in the corner, trying hard to hold back laughter, choking on her house blend coffee that she almost chucked on the first dress Rory walked out in. **

The sales girls, while polite, only know two phrases. One: "Oh dear, you look like a porcelain doll in that. Shame it has to go to waste on an ungrateful boy." Or, Lorelai's personal favorite, number two: "That skirt completely flattens your butt. Love it."

They weren't the most helpful in finding a dress. That left Lorelai to be the Joan Rivers of the bridal shop.

"Huh" Lorelai took another swig of her coffee, trying to control her criticism.

"Just huh? No "Aw, look at my little frosted cupcake." And no booing or ratings system?"

"Okay. Two thumbs way down. If you walked past a candle, you would burst into flames. Forget that, if you walked in a church, you'd combust. God would hate that dress that much."

"I like the pearls," Rory pouted.

"I'm sure Jess wouldn't object to you just wearing pearls."

"Cute."

"I try."

Rory turned back to the mirror, and stared hard at her reflection.

"All of these dresses have sucked."

"I wanted to throw my coffee on all three."

"Thanks for holding back. I can't afford three dresses, much less one. Look at the price tags on these frosted monsters. 2,500 dollars!"

"Maybe someone famous looked at that dress and they jacked the price up. I can see the sign hanging in the store front now: "Angelina Jolie looked at this dress. Brad Pitt gave it a second glance. Shiloh vomited on it. Wear this and you're Brangelina royalty."

"It's almost as good as them christening it."

"Or adopting it."

"Imagine if you could adopt inanimate objects. Madonna would have adopted the old, sad sofa."

A new store chick walked over to the Gilmore Girls, big eyes, big hair and an even bigger smile. She was dressed in all white. How appropriate, considering her place of employment.

"Rory, close your eyes or you'll be blinded by all that white."

Rory tried to stifle back her laughter as the girl glided closer.

"So, what do you think of the dress? Love at first sight?" the girl asked, very enthusiastic and smiley.

"Have you ever hated a dress so much you wanted to torture it? Cause I really want to reenact that scene from Misery when Annie smashes Paul's legs on that dress."

"Mom." Rory's face turned violet from embarrassment. It clashed horribly with the dress.

"Don't worry, that dress is pretty horrific. Why did you even try it on?"

"They brought it to me and said something about my butt and loving it. They've said that about all the dresses I've tried on, actually."

"Don't listen to them. One is blind and the other doesn't even look at the dresses anymore. She just says the same speech to everyone and makes sure to mark up the prices on all of them."

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Because no matter how much your fiancé loves you, he would not marry you in that dress. There are some nice dresses here, just not that."

"Burn it!" Lorelai loved this. The girl looked like she was transported from the 1970s, yet she was now their new best friend. The need to mock her was forgotten...until they at least got to the car.

"You'll have to ignore my mom. She watches Monty Python every night before bed."

"It's a good luck thing."

"Okay, you two aren't from this planet."

"We don't normally even speak this language. You're lucky we are our English selves today." Lorelai didn't cut back on the quirky. Poor girl. She was going to down a whole bottle of Advil after these customers left.

"Sometimes we're German."

"Auf Wiedersehen." Lorelai had picked that up from Heidi Klum on Project Runway. In your face Aaron Sorkin. Reality TV does teach you something!

The sales girl was suddenly feeling very uncomfortable. She wasn't used to people like this…especially in Hartford.

"I can come back later, if you would like. I hate to interrupt. I am always bothering people. They are like "Shelia, go away" but I just stand around, playing with my shirt looking stupid. It's just we have some Vera Wang…"

"Vera Wang?" Rory was intrigued.

"Vera Wang!" Lorelai was pumped. And hungry. So maybe her reaction was a bit too excited, but a Vera Wang gown is like chocolate chocolate cake. They are made to be worshipped.

"Yes, in the back. They just came in and we are keeping them hidden from sticky fingers and Starbucks cups."

Lorelai quickly hid her cup in her purse and put on her best "I hate coffee and love clean, white dresses" smile.

"I really hate Starbucks. People who drink coffee are vile and always end up spilling it on the dress, then having a twelfth hour freak out, and call us begging for help. It irks me." Shelia ranted on and on about the evils of coffee, leaving the Gilmore Girls to feel uncomfortable. Their true love was being hated on and they couldn't say one word. "There I go again, not shutting up. Come on girls, let's go see the dresses."

Shelia started to speed walk, getting a few steps ahead of the girls.

"I feel so bad. We didn't stand up for coffee." Lorelai felt guilty. Coffee was her first and only love, besides that kid she popped out so many years ago, who was also coffee's all the time, any time lover.

"It's not going to talk to us for at least a week."

"This is our first fight. I can't believe it. It's the only stable relationship I've ever had."

"Girls!" Shelia yelled. "Look at these." She pulled out a rack of the most unfugly dresses Lorelai had seen.

"Wow." Rory was speechless.

"I seriously hate Starbucks." Lorelai smiled. This was freakin awesome.

* * *

An hour later, Rory was still trying on dresses, but this time, less booing had gone on. Lorelai had cheered, tried to do a cartwheel, but hurt her back (again). So she became Vera Wang's sitting cheerleader. 

"I liked the second one." Lorelai was trying to help Rory out. It wasn't an easy decision.

"But was it the perfect dress?"

"There were 11 perfect dresses. You asked me to pick my favorite. Let's work on elimination before we pick the "perfect dress" as you put it. What did you think of the full veil on number 4?"

"It was nice."

"And very Amish like. Did you notice that? You looked Amish, especially with your hair pulled back."

"Seriously? I just thought it was a bit mermaidish."

"Well it was called a mermaid gown. It doesn't matter. That one is out. It didn't get a "bitch yeah!"

"What about number 5? I think it made me look fat"

"I agree. Number six?"

"I want to worship it and marry it, instead of Jess."

"I hated the color and lazy hem on number 7."

"Me too! Do we want to discuss 8-11? And we kind of skipped number 1."

Lorelai looked back over the dresses, making sure not to miss one.

"Okay don't hate me but, I changed my mind."

"It's a woman's prerogative."

"If I was choosing a dress for you, it'd be number 10. Look at it. Touch it. Hug it. It's magical." Lorelai put her face near the dress and started to talk to it. "I know you are about to propose to number 6, but come meet number 10."

Rory walked over to her mom, stared at the dress, then looked back and forth between it and number 6.

"It's nice."

"Yes" Lorelai encouraged her.

"And friendly."

"Of course. It cost thousands of dollars. It needs a home. A nice, warm, coffee filled home with Rory." Lorelai took on the persona of the dress and started to talk for it "Rory, take me home and love me. I will let you wear me around the house and drink coffee, while wearing me! I love you, Rory."

"I love you too."

"So is this it? Please say yes, please say yes."

"It's perfect."

"Sweet! Now we just go see the grandparents, fake cry a bit and get some extra cash so we can afford my new best friend. Look at the lace. It's begging to be touched."

"Calm down mom. We still have to pay right now if we want to take it with us."

"My credit card is crying. Can you hear it?"

"Don't worry about it, I've got it. I don't want you to pay for my dress."

"Sweets, I'm kidding. I'm at least paying for half of the perfect dress. Grandma will pay for the other half. Now let's go see Shelia and make this love connection legal."

"What are we going to name it?"

"Aretha?"

"Ella?"

"Nico?"

"Feist? I'd pull an Anne Heche for a week with her."

"Gah. So much royalty, only one dress. Let's go get a box of doughnuts. The sugar rush will so give us our answer."

"Or it will end up being Rachael Ray, again."

"Quick and delicis! Quick and delicis!"

"We need to leave Vera Wang land soon before you start singing that the dress is quick and delicis."

* * *

Rory was happy. Seriously. The dress was perfect (to borrow a catch phrase her mother used back when she was with Luke). The tri-combo of the perfect dress, a double shot cappuccino, and Bowie playing on the radio in the jeep was a sign; nothing could bring her down. Add doughnuts to the mix and she was in Gilmore heaven. 

But then she remembered. She was going to tell Grandma and Grandpa after lunch. And then she was going to call Jess and break the news that Emily and Richard knew and had bounty hunters out looking for him.

She needed another doughnut. The Cure just came on the radio. She spilt her coffee. But she still had the dress. The perfect dress.

This day would rock. It had to.

**

* * *

****Ending Author's Note: **I checked with Steven Spielberg and he says Jaws isn't real. What the frak, I know. But the review waters are still scary. I put my toes in but had scary Sea World flashbacks and pulled them back out. Then I was stung by a jellyfish. 

Proceed with caution reviewers. I do love you too much to sacrifice you.


	3. The Timbaland to My Timberlake

**Chapter 3: **The Timbaland to My Timberlake

**Author's Note:** I can't deny my love for **The Timberlake**. Or Sexyback. It's pretty addictive. And I get that after reading that 50 respectable people just closed the page and broke out into laughter, thinking "JT, seriously? What, she couldn't figure out how a Bareback Boys or Backside Boys, whatever you want to call them, song would fit?" But come on, who doesn't want to find the Timbaland to their Timberlake? So any girls with a deep voice and killers moves who wants to rhyme with me sometime, message me. I'll totally dig it.

**Uh oh note:** I'm totally way too white to even pull off what I wrote above. I'm just happy that I didn't try to use my gangsta talk. I'd have to come back in the next chapter saying "I was so drunk. So sorry to all I offended" to keep myself from getting thrown down the hill in a trashcan. All my self respect is gone, so I'm not worried about that.

**Disclaimer: **A man with no feet still needs a pair of kicks. Remember that. No clue how that's a disclaimer. Maybe Nike owns my ass now. Who knows. Free advertisement!

* * *

Rory and Lorelai had just stepped out of the Gilmore mansion. The girls did not look bright and shiny, stealing a phrase from Meredith Grey. They looked very dark and twisty. Lorelai's face was twisted into a look that made it appear she had to throw up, yet wanted to laugh at the same time. And Rory looked, well, like she had for the past month: completely frickin crazy. 

"So, that went well, right mom?"

"Were we in the same house? Were you not sitting beside me when Grandma said "The diner man's nephew? What, the neighbor's gardener was busy?"

"Okay, maybe it wasn't perfect…"

"There has only been one time I've been more horrified in that house and that was when I told them I was pregnant. Dad didn't hit the 24 foot tall scary giant look this time, but he was close. At least 18 feet. God, this sucked. I should have just waited in the car."

"They want to meet him and we got the money for the dress and Grandma wants to be involved. That's something."

"Involved meaning she takes over all plans, fires Jess as the groom, and picks someone with a trust fund to be his stand in. Do we need to flashback? Have you forgotten how ugly that was that fast?"

"Fine, do the weird Lost face and flashback. I'll stand here while you have a fun time narrating."

Lorelai squealed with delight, "Oh my god, I get to do a flashback. This is almost as good as my own voice over."

Lorelai stared off, trying to pull off a meaningful look signifying something big was about to happen, as we entered Lorelai Gilmore's Flashback Realm.

* * *

We are transported about two hours earlier to where the Gilmore Girls are sitting outside the great big house of doom, sipping Red Bull and deciding if they should knock. 

"All of a sudden, this house is really scary. I'm afraid we are going to go in and it will morph into Dr. Frank-N-Furter's mansion."

"My parents doing the Time Warp. Wow. That might make them locking you in the pool house of depravity and strangling me worthwhile."

"You'll never let that go will you?"

"Sex bed, sex house, sex lamp, ha! It's just too funny. My dad paid for Rory Gilmore's Playboy mansion."

The door to the house on haunted hill suddenly opened and out stepped Emily Gilmore, doing her normal snobby society lady look oh so well.

"Well girls, it's lovely to see you found the steps a nice place to hang out. You two are just like the homeless downtown who sit on steps and beg for pennies. Do you have shoes on Rory?"

"Yes Rory, are you wearing shoes? Do you have gainful employment? Are you even legal?"

"Adorable Lorelai, as always."

"What can I say mom, you bring out the best in me."

Rory blushed, "Sorry grandma, we were about to knock…"

"I'm sure. You know, you're lucky you didn't get shot. Our neighbors keep a gun in the house because little vandals keep hoping their fence to get in their pool. When they see kids, they just go crazy shooting. The kids run away crying. It's hilarious."

"God mom, you're horrible."

"It's a paint gun, Lorelai. They only give you colorful pain. We don't have crazy serial killers in Hartford. I swear, sometimes your lack of a grasp on reality frightens me."

Rory stood up and pulled Lorelai up with her, Lorelai wincing from her now bruised back and whining because she did not want to go inside. There was not going to be any time for the Time Warp.

Emily looked genuinely concerned at hearing Lorelai wince, "Lorelai, are you alright? Should we call our doctor? Do you need to lye down?"

"She's fine Grandma. Can we come in? We, I, have something I need to talk to you about."

"Why is your mother here?"

"Moral support," Lorelai answered before Rory could stumble and blush her way out of that answer.

"Why does she need that? Oh my god. No. Are you pregnant Rory?"

Lorelai started laughing, so hard she doubled over, then started whining about her back again.

"No! No way. I'm not pregnant. Maybe pregnant with emotion but not pregnant with a baby."

Emily breathed a heavy sigh of relief. "Thank god. Your mother is far too young to be a grandmother. And you are far too young to be married or that serious with a boyfriend."

Rory gulped. Lorelai was stunned. She never thought she'd hear her mother advocating Rory to stay single.

"But when I was with Logan you were painting a mental family portrait and picking out china patterns."

"And look at how that relationship ended. I've come to realize you are very much like your mother and I am not only talking about the blue eyes, big appetite, and the over caffeinated personality. Like mother like daughter they say, right?"

"I think I need a valium." Rory was completely thrown off. Now how was she going to explain to her Grandmother that she was in a serious relationship, and engaged (she had the ring pop to prove it!).

"Hey mom, how about we go in and you make a big pitcher of something alcoholic?"

"Oh yes, please come in girls so we can discuss this matter away from the gossip hounds. I swear my neighbors can be so nosy. I want to put an electric fence up but Richard…"

Emily rambled on but the girls had tuned her out. Rory was scared. She wanted to run. Lorelai was scared. She didn't want to die today. She hadn't met Bono yet.

* * *

Lorelai was suddenly broken out of her flashback narrating self and back into present time realm when Rory started complaining. 

"How was that part important? Nothing went 'down' as you say there. We are going to be in this driveway until 2am if you tell every single detail."

"If you don't stop complaining I'll narrate the entire thirty minutes you spent in the bathroom crying, followed by me luring you out by pretending Grandma was happy when really she was just super drunk."

"Okay, okay, keep going. But please, go faster if you must do this."

"A poet can never rush. I am an artist. One, two, three, back to Lorelai's Flashback Realm."

* * *

And here they are again, back to the past. Except now they are in the living room, where Richard had joined Emily and both were expectantly awaiting Rory's "news." 

"So Grandma, Grandpa as you know, I'll be 24 this October."

"So we've heard." Emily was getting tired of Rory's stalling. She'd been stalling for the past twenty minutes.

"Which is pretty old considering women used to be married at 17 and probably already had three kids at my age."

Emily and Richard started laughing at Rory in unison.

Rory turned to Lorelai, "Mom, what's going on?" She was confused. What she said wasn't that funny. Actually, it wasn't even remotely funny unless pregnant teenagers are now like dead babies…which were never funny either.

"Who knows. They find the weirdest things funny. Like Anna Nicole Smith's death. They just cracked up when we were talking about it."

"Why were you talking about Anna Nicole Smith with Grandma and Grandpa?"

"I saw them at the grocery store. It was small talk. It was either that or talk about watermelons."

"They go to the grocery store? I thought they had people for that."

"You know any good rich person has to mingle with the little people once in awhile. Has being a debutante taught you nothing?"

Richard cleared his throat, signaling that even though he and Emily were the ones to disrupt the flow of this conversation, it was time to get back on track.

"Okay, um…" Rory paused and started pulling at her skirt, looking away from Emily and Richard. Lorelai decided to give Rory a break and try to move this confession along.

"Mom, dad, Rory has big news! That's great, right? Big news. Not small news. Big news!"

"What is it?" Emily was curious now. She hadn't seen Rory this unRorylike since she dropped out of Yale.

"Well, I have been dating this guy. You actually know him. Or met him. You might remember him. His name is Jess."

"He wrote a book! I know how much you love books, dad." Lorelai gushing about Jess? What had happened to her? She mentally reminded herself to wash her mouth out with soap once she got home. It was very unLorelailike to gush about Jess.

"That's nice, Lorelai." Her father looked extremely bored.

"Jess, Jess...sorry Rory, doesn't ring a bell." Emily brushed this off quickly, not caring much if her granddaughter was dating some random boy for a week. She might have remembered a Jess, but she wasn't going to take the time to rack her brain for a memory.

"That's good, actually. He's nothing like he was when I was seventeen anyways. People change so much. Change is good. I have changed too. Especially since I've been dating him."

"She likes Bob Dylan now. It's weird."

"How long have you two been dating?" Emily asked. Okay, fine, she was curious. But not in a "what the grandchildren" will look like way.

This question threw Rory off. She had forgotten to factor in explaining why they hadn't met Jess even though they'd been dating pretty much since she graduated from Yale.

"Oh you know, just a little over a year. Not that long."

"A little over a year? My god Rory, that's serious!"

"I'm sure she knows mom."

"You two should be engaged soon."

"Oh Emily please, they are just children."

"Richard, have you watched the news lately? Young people get married for fun now and then get divorced when they get bored. We're lucky Rory hasn't been married three times already. Rory you haven't been married in Vegas, have you? I hear that's where those Hollywood kids do it now."

Lorelai couldn't help but laugh at her mother saying do it. It was priceless. She wished she carried a tape recorder with her at all times.

Rory couldn't speak. She'd lost her voice. She felt Lorelai poking her in the side mouthing "Tell them" so she tried to get it out.

But it came out in a whismumble (a cross between a whisper and a mumble).

"I'm engaged."

"You're what?"

"Speak up dear. We can't hear you."

Rory didn't mean to, but she screamed. Call it a case of the crazies taking over.

"I'm engaged! To Jess! Yes, I know, he's the diner man's nephew but I'm happy, okay? I have a ring pop to prove it!"

Rory never knew yelling could feel so good.

"The diner man's nephew? What, the next door neighbor's gardener was busy?"

"Good one mom."

"What happened to moral support, mom?" Rory was still standing, her fist clenched, jaw tight.

"You have to admit, that was funny. And so modern of my mother to know about that."

"I use the internet Lorelai. I know about the trends."

"Mom, that's a 2005 thing. Now it's big to be a polygamist."

"Lorelai, what do you know about this boy?" Richard yelled this at Lorelai, becoming his scary 20 foot tall man self.

Lorelai remembered this line well. Rory's Dance. Except this time, different parent, different boy. And this time, she needed to be somewhat serious.

"He's Rory's lobster."

Okay, not the most helpful there.

"Is that some sexual reference Lorelai because I swear, this is not the time."

"No dad it's not. Watch Friends sometime. It reruns on almost every channel. But why are you asking me about Rory's fiancé? Ask Rory. She should be a Jess expert."

Emily hissed to herself "What kind of name is Jess" just loud enough for Rory to hear.

"He's a writer, as mom said. He loves books."

"And Rory! Don't forget the key there guys: He loves Rory."

"Our pool boy loved Rory and we didn't let him within fifty feet of her." Richard was not going to let a simple moony eyed boy marry his granddaughter. The pool boy was moony eyed and sixteen. He hated that pool boy.

"Well Jess isn't a pool boy. And he is the reason Rory went back to Yale. Did you know that?"

"Really?" This made Richard smile for a moment. If that was true, he owed this boy a big thank you.

"Yes. He made me see how much I was wasting my life just hanging out and going to DAR meetings and partying. He does that. He makes people realize how selfish they are being. I think it's because he had such a bad childhood. You look at him and think if he can become a writer with his past and I have had everything handed to me, yet I am just sitting around watching The Graduate over and over, I must be the biggest loser ever. I felt like I was letting him down just wasting my life. I respect him so much."

"So he told you that our life was silly and pointless, so you fell in love with him? How Lorelaiesque of you." Emily was not pleased that this boy had made Rory believe that her life was frivolous.

"Not this again." Lorelai knew the same lifetime argument was coming back around.

"No grandma, that's not what I am saying. I mean that at age twenty-one, I should have been doing more. When you were twenty-one I'm sure you weren't planning DAR functions and partying with your boyfriend."

"No, I wasn't. I was planning my wedding and family. Silly me. Such a waste my life has been. Thanks for telling me, dear."

"Emily, please…"

"Richard, this is ridiculous. She is engaged to a boy we haven't met!"

"Then let's meet him."

"He's probably too good to come here. Probably thinks we'll infect him with our high society disease."

"Grandma, Grandpa, you don't have to meet him. There will be a rehearsal dinner. You can meet there."

"On neutral territory," Lorelai added.

Richard shook his head, "That won't work. If this boy is going to become a permanent part of Rory's life, we need to meet. A dinner, an outing at the club, or something that would be considered "bonding." I don't care what. He can pick. But we must meet."

"Christopher hasn't even met him yet."

"Bad argument mom."

"I have to agree with Rory there."

"But he's her father…"

"Sometimes."

"When it's convenient," Emily muttered, "But I bet you were planning on letting Jess become buddy buddy with him since he rebelled against our lifestyle as well with his stupid motorcycle and childish ways. Excuse me. I need to go lye down."

"Mom, please come back. He's really not that bad once you get past his tendency to be surly and only use one word sentences."

But Emily had fled into the kitchen to gorge on candies and cry. Oh the Gilmore drama never ends.

* * *

"Welcome back… to reality and out of Lorelai's Flashback Realm," Lorelai was trying to sing to the Welcome Back Kotter beat, with her own words, but it wasn't going so well. "Wow that was bad. I'll stick to my narrating, which by the way, how was it? I tried to change voices. How's my Emily?" 

"More hysterical with each impression."

"Sweet!"

"But you skipped the part about her grabbing my phone, dialing Jess' number and telling him he was not the grandson in-law she wanted, and then started screaming about lilies and fish."

"That was really weird. I left that out so I wouldn't start kicking the jeep. It was an awkward moment for all parties involved."

"And you left out Grandpa writing the check for the dress."

"But see, I would have had to talk about me getting down on my hands and knees and begging for money, and that's just not pleasant. And it makes me look weak, which is not in the Don description."

"And me crying in the bathroom?"

"Never needs to be revisited again. Talking to you through the door wasn't my proudest moment either."

Lorelai walked up to Rory and hugged her.

"What's that for?"

"I just needed to do that. Admit it. That sucked."

"I bombed. And Grandma is probably still upstairs hysterical, calling Jess over and over. Oh my god, Jess! I need to call him."

"You can call him when we get home."

Rory had a whimsical look on her face, "Home. Such a nice place."

"Terrorists would choose Guatanamo Bay over the Gilmore mansion. Of course home seems nice now. The thought of home is getting me as excited as I get when I find a pair of Jimmy Choos on sale."

"Are you going to do Lorelai's Flashback Realm for Jess and Luke?"

"Most likely."

"Which part are you going to emphasize?"

"Probably the gardener part. It just keeps getting funnier. That or Emily locking herself in the kitchen with the roast and not knowing how to turn off the timer. The cook yelling directions in Swedish outside the door was awesome. If only I knew Swedish we could have had so much fun together."

"I need a burger."

"Random."

"I know, but I need it. I feel like there is a hole in my stomach and everything has fallen out."

"That's called an empty bladder."

"I'm about to eat my arm," Rory threatened.

"Go ahead. If it needs some seasoning, you can go back inside and ask Emily for the salt shaker. Maybe she'll be picking out china patterns and asking you what you think of her silver. You could have some wedding bonding time!"

"Why are we still in their driveway?"

"Why haven't they came over the intercom and yelled at us in Russian, German, Chinese and some other foreign language to get off the property?"

"Why does their intercom yell in all languages but English?"

"The great mysteries of life. Next week we will tackle the issue of how fruit roll ups are made. I'm pretty sure it can't be legal."

"Food; you spoke about food. Can we go get that burger now?"

"It's 10:30. Luke closed at least two hours ago and has been asleep for awhile now."

"Maybe he'll open up for us as a favor, since I'm engaged to his nephew and all."

"Or maybe we can take a road trip up to see your boyfriend who doesn't sleep and he will fix us something. Luke had to have passed some of his food making powers on to Jess."

"What will sustain us during the drive?"

"I've got an orange in my purse."

"An orange? Why are you carrying fruit? Did you shoplift again?"

"No. The Jehovah's gave it to me."

"They gave you fruit?"

"They really wanted to convert me. Too bad they didn't know about my fear of oranges."

"It's so bright. It's a terrifying fruit. So we either eat the scary orange or starve?"

"Did we eat all the doughnuts?"

"There are crumbs in the bottom of the box."

"I can make it to Philly on crumbs. By the way, when is your boyfriend moving? You can't be a commuter couple throughout your marriage."

"Soonish."

Lorelai shook her head at Rory and looked away. They were so unprepared to be planning a wedding, but what could she say? If she told her daughter she wasn't ready, she knew Rory would take it as her disapproving of Jess and she can't go in the ring to fight that one out again.

"What?" Rory's face had turned red and she wouldn't look directly at Lorelai any longer.

"Nothing, I just think you two need to be working on these issues instead of you making out with a Vera Wang dress. How can you get married in the fall if you aren't even sure you will be living in the same place?"

Rory completely ignored her mother's questions, figuring she would hear them again tomorrow and the next day. And from Luke. And Lane. And Paris. And Grandma and Grandpa when they started talking to her again. Pretty much anyone she talked to would ask these same questions.

"Can we just go see Jess if we're going? Or we can go home. I don't care. You're the one who wanted to go see Jess; I'm just following your lead. But I'm starving, so make up your mind."

"Somebody's getting their bitch on."

"It's late. I'm hungry. Sue me."

"Whatever. Get in the car."

"Are we going to see Jess or not? Cause if we are I need to at least fix my face."

"If he hasn't seen you with hairy legs and bad breath yet, then we might as well break him in as to what he'll be coming home to everyday for the rest of his life. And I do mean the rest of his life because you are too stubborn to ever get a divorce. You'll cut it off if you have to."

* * *

Rory and Lorelai got into the car, completely silent and pulled out of the driveway in silence. Lorelai looked at Rory every few miles, but turned away quickly when she thought Rory might notice she was staring at her. 

It had been quiet for at least thirty minutes when the opening beat for SexyBack came on the radio.

Lorelai started to laugh.

A few seconds later, Rory couldn't hold back any longer and laughed along with her.

Then Lorelai started to sing.

_I'm bringin' sexy back_

And just as Lorelai was about to be the Timbaland to her Timberlake Rory joined in.

_Yeah!_

Lorelai smiled, "Them other boys don't know how to act!"

Rory completely skipped the yeah and got her JT on, "I think you're special what's behind your back"

"Go RG, go RG, yeah!" Lorelai started to cheer her daughter on, loving how they had put the fight aside as soon as "their song" came on the radio (one of their many sing a long songs).

"So turn around and I'll pick up the slack! Take it to the bridge mom!"

"Uh, I think I'll let Justin finish. But thanks babe."

"For what?" Rory was confused by this admission of gratitude. All she did was sing along, badly.

"Remembering that even when we are in a fight, singing can solve it. Singing solves everything. So thanks for putting away your fight face." Lorelai smiled at Rory, thankful it didn't take doing the bus driver to get them out of this funk.

"Mom, we can't go to Philadelphia tonight."

"I know."

"It's three hours away."

"I know."

"Then why did you bring it up?"

"I thought seeing Jess would make you happy. You've been so unRory lately; I didn't know what to do. "

"Oh."

"I know it wasn't my best idea. It is only slightly better than the vacuum toaster but I was just trying to help. Oh look, a McDonald's!"

"Pull in, pull in! Thank god for overweight Americans and 24 hour drive-throughs."

"I am in serious need of a McFlurry."

"And chicken nuggets. Oh and fries! But I want a toy as well, so just get me a happy meal with triple the food. But no apple pie. I have to think about my Vera Wang."

"We still need to name the holy dress."

"After we eat, we'll brain storm. Speak into the Ronald, mom!"

"Don't worry; the plastic clown isn't going anywhere. I just need to think. 2 coffees or 3?"

"Three should work. We can share the third because I want an orange HIC too. It has no flavor, but I love it. It's kid soda. Makes me feel five again."

"I meant for myself. I need at least two coffees, minimum. If you want some, you better speak up."

"Forgetting about your only coffee addicted child? Mean."

"Hey, my five other kids could be coffee whores too. You never know. I miss little Pedro and Maria in Mexico. So sad they were deported."

"Stars Hollow wasn't very accepting of you hiring Mexican kids to do chores."

"Adopted! I adopted them. I should be able to make them do whatever I want. And I fed them."

"Really bad egg rolls and burnt coffee."

"Oh yeah. That was mean. I'll never be allowed to be baby-sit again."

"You renamed them and thought up a fake background for them. It was making fun of crippled kids low."

The Girls must have forgotten they were pulled up at the Ronald, because over the intercom came the voice of a very unchipper woman.

"Welcome to McDonald's. Would you like to try a quarter…"

"No. But get your pen ready, cause I've got a Jared pre Subway intervention size order for you."

"Miss, we don't use pens. It's all electronic."

"Oh. Luke should get a computer thingy like this."

"Who's Luke?"

"My diner man. He feeds me, coffees me and reminds me that because I eat at places like this, my death is approaching fast. I might die right this minute, according to him."

"Um, okay, want an apple pie?"

"No. Vera would not approve."

"Who?"

Rory started laughing. "Wow, this lady obviously doesn't know that you will never shut up."

"I know, she keeps asking me questions. Oh look, a line is forming behind me. I wonder if she can see the line. Excuse me miss, can you see me?"

"No."

"Good. So, what do you think about Transformers? I'm torn. Action figures coming to life frighten me, but I can't help but have a completely inappropriate crush on Shia LeBouf."

* * *

Lorelai was truly wonder woman. Even if this delayed Rory getting her happy meal, she didn't care. Her mom was a rock star and just watching her fluster Ronald's human stand in voice was worth the starving. 

It was going to be hard not spending all this time with her mom once she was married. She can't ask Jess to move in with her mom or next door. Her therapist told her she needed to be at least 100 miles away from Lorelai, if not more.

Now she just had to break that to Lorelai.

* * *

"Yes I've seen Office Space and no I am not going to burn this McDonald's down." 

"Oh come on, I know you want to. I bet your boss has a symbolic stapler you want. Maybe he always eats the last mcnugget. I don't know, work with me here. I know you are overworked and underpaid. Fight the McNugget stealer!"

Lorelai Gilmore: The Anarchist.

**

* * *

****Ending Author's Note:** P.S., I love you. That was really sweet right? Are you swooning right now? 

**By the way:** I support anarchy.


	4. Touched By Your Presence, Dear

**Chapter 4: **I'm Always Touched By Your Presence, Dear

**Author's Note: **I finally met my match with coffee. I had about ten cups in a two hour time span and could not sleep. Any little sound, like I don't know, me breathing, freaked me out. I had caffeine rage. Just thought I'd warn all you readers out there that caffeine overloads are possible. I'm lucky I'm still alive.

**Disclaimer: **I totally wish I was Debbie Harry, but my parents suck. So yes, I am finally admitting it out loud. I am not Debbie Harry. But this was an awesome song title for the chapter.

* * *

"Yeah, I really didn't like you much until I saw you naked. Before then you were just Rory. But naked Rory was awesome." 

Rory laughed, "I still don't really like you, even after seeing naked Jess."

Jess groaned and rubbed his face, shaking his head to no one but his phone, "Don't remind me of the first time you saw naked Jess."

"Don't worry, no one knows. Except Lane. And Mom. And Patty, which means Babette knows and probably Luke. Maybe even Taylor. And in a few weeks, I'm sure my grandma will call the Inn, Kirk will answer and he will tell her."

"At least people will understand why I had to say yes."

"Jess Mariano doesn't have to do anything. That's a direct quote, by the way."

"Everyone in Pennsylvania knows about the giggles incident. People either think I'm lacking in certain areas, or that I'm a hermie."

"You should stop wearing eye shadow. Maybe the rumors would die down a bit."

"But then I'll have to stop wearing lip gloss and you know how much I love Lip Smackers."

"I can't believe you stole my Dr.Pepper flavor," Rory said, full of fake shock.

"I told you, I thought it was Chap Stick!"

"Sure. So how many boys did you kiss that day? Get any phone numbers with your soft, luscious, soda pop lips?"

"A guy did hold a door for me."

"Aw, you found your knight in shining whatever."

"You and your mom have to stop quoting Grey's Anatomy. I swear, if your mom doesn't stop calling at 3am and saying "Because it's what Jesus would freakin do!" when I ask why she is calling, I'm going to have her killed. That's just how it's going to be. And give her my warning."

"Shouldn't you get your scary Italian friends to rough her up? You know if I tell her she is just going to get excited and hope to find a horses head in her bed."

"Your mom sucks."

"Shut your mouth!"

"Who's the white private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?"

"I hate you."

"Or hate to love me? And you were supposed to scream Jess."

"You never make me scream."

Jess went silent on the line and Rory knew this was a game of his, to pretend he was mad, when really he had a thousand watt smile on his face. But Rory couldn't help but feel the need to say something. Even if it was weird and out of place and very awkward.

"Jess, you'll be patient with me, right?"

Jess was caught off guard by this question. "What? I'm not sure what you're asking Ror."

"I don't frustrate you all the time, right? I mean I know sometimes I can be rambly and weird and I know I don't have the best grasp on reality, but those are things you like about me, right?" She was afraid to say the love word and he could tell. But he wasn't sure why because he'd said I love you before. It wasn't the most romantic I love you, but I love you wasn't that big of a deal outside of movies and 15 year old girls bedrooms

Rory continued on, "I guess what I am getting at is that when we're married, you aren't going to grow to hate me, are you? You'll stick around, even when I go crazy, throw plates and refuse to talk to you for a week, won't you?"

Jess heard Rory gulp down tears and there was a slight hiccup in her voice. He pictured her in the kitchen, her ears pink and her eyes watery, trying to choke down tears and pretend everything was okay, even though all she wanted to do was cry.

"Rory, come home."

"Huh?"

"You've been down in Stars Hollow for three days. And I'm going crazy up here. I have nothing to do. I've read every book twice, ate all the bagels, drank all the tea and ran out of movies to rewatch for the thirteenth time. And we're out of cigarettes."

"Then go buy some."

"My hair is a mess. I've gained ten pounds from gorging on ice cream. And I can't stop crying. I need you to go out to the store and buy some tampons and Cosmo for me."

"Very funny."

"I'm serious. Not about the tampons part, because if I really decided I needed to see one I know you have the cabinet full but I do want you to come home. I get you like spending time with your mom, but I miss you."

"Come down here."

"Ror, you know I need to be up here right now watching over the store."

"Well are we planning on living in Philly?"

"What?"

"You heard me. Are we doing the white picket fence, ten kids, apple pies, cook out thing in Philly? Cause if so we need to start looking for somewhere to live."

"We have an apartment here."

"Correction, you do. I have a toothbrush and tampons and we share a bunny. My apartment that I've now abandoned for almost a month is in New York."

"Oh."

"Yeah. We don't have a plan Jess. We need a plan. I want to record a message on our answering machine telling people to leave a message after the beep, even though it should be obvious. I want towels with our initials on them for the bathroom because it's just stupid enough to be me. I want to go looking for a sofa together."

"Saying the whole package would have saved you a lot of words."

"Jess."

"I get it. Really, I do. But we haven't even set a date yet for the wedding."

"Then let's do it now."

"Isn't that a chick thing where you ask all your friends, relatives and anyone you've ever talked to what days they are busy, then talk with your mom about what the best wedding day would be, and then consult your horoscope, the moon, NASA and Tom Cruise?"

"The wedding is about us, right?"

"More you than me, but yeah."

"Then we should pick the date together. Screw everyone else. If it's just you, me and Mischa, so be it."

"Okay, September 13th."

"Won't 13 be unlucky?"

"It's not a Friday."

"It's not the worst date I've ever heard. Join Rory and Jess on Saturday, September 13th…"

"Huh, I just remembered. That's the day I had my bar mitzvah on. Don't reuse those invitations."

"I still can't believe you're Jewish. I mean, you're Italian, that's just not right! You should be Catholic."

"But if I was Catholic, you'd be forced to have ten kids."

"Gross."

"I know. I'm not filming that many births."

"You're not filming any births. I don't want to watch an instant replay of my va-jay-jay being ripped apart. And besides, you'd pass out. You fainted when my mom made you watch that birthing video when we got back together."

"Okay that doesn't count because that thing was horrifying. It made me want to wear two every time."

"Shh…remember, we haven't had sex yet."

"Is this some weird game Rory, because you know I'm not into phone sex and a virgin role play seems wrong and very 'I'm a creepy myspace guy talking to a 13 year old'."

"No. But this is a test. Or prep. Cause well, I'm sure my Grandma will ask at some point, so I'm going with the whole 'waiting for marriage' thing."

"And you're telling me because?"

"When you are around them, no wiggling eyebrows. No suggestive sentences. No PDA. You can hold my hand. That's it."

"Can we at least go to the sock hop later and dance? Oh please say yes Suzie Q. I love you."

"I'm hanging up."

"Come home."

"Great parting line. You're getting a little sentimental, babe."

"Please."

"I'll think about it."

"Are you thinking about it naked? I'm just looking for a visual here."

"You just blew your chance of me rushing home and surprising you."

Jess laughed at how innocent Rory still pretended to be, "Yes, but see, if I know you're coming, it's not a surprise."

"Bye Jess."

"If I don't hang up, will you hang up or will we play that fun little game where we giggle and don't hang up?"

"I'll hang up for you." Lorelai whispered this, getting bored with Rory and Jess: The Dull Years, then smacked herself on the head for her slip up.

"Mom! How long have you been listening?"

Lorelai decided to completely ignore Rory and play it off as the cool mom, "Hey Jess. How's the writing coming? Written the next great American novel?"

"Yeah, I think it's pretty fabulous, actually. Let me read you a bit: All work and no play makes Jess a dull boy."

"Keep the axes away from this one, Rory."

"Hang up mom."

"No you hang up first." Lorelai tried to be cute. It wasn't working too well.

"Jess, I'm going. You can talk to my mom if you want. It's like me, only less literate."

Rory hung up the phone, leaving just Jess and Lorelai on the line.

"So how's the weather in Philadelphia?"

"Cold with a chance of cold."

"Not very talkative are we?"

"Parents freak me out."

"Especially parents of the girl you're having sex with, right?"

"I can't believe Rory left me on the phone with you."

"Avoiding the question, are we? Someone is guilty. Don't worry, I know about the giggles incident. Nothing to hide. I know you aren't sleeping on the couch when she stays over."

"This has become very uncomfortable for me."

"I know. I like making you uncomfortable. It's part of my mom powers, along with seeing through walls."

"Remind me to never sleepover."

"Aw, come on Jess. Come down to the Hollow. For Rory."

"She could just as easily come to Philly."

"But what would be the fun in that? You'll miss out on the chance to bond with your future mother in law and the Summerlollapallozza."

"You're joking."

"One never kids about Stars Hollow's annual Pallozza. I hear Barry Manilow might come down this year. Get excited!"

"My socks are dancing."

Rory suddenly broke into the phone conversation, "Jess, when I said I was leaving you to talk to my mom, it was code for hang up. Quit being a gab girl and go talk to Mischa. Or go get high. I don't care. Just don't talk to my mom. It's weird. I'm self conscious, okay? I'm afraid you two are going to start talking about my naked phase."

"Rory, there is nothing to be ashamed about. Age 21 was a hard year for you. The nudists were so welcoming of her, Jess."

"I bet."

"Ugh, I hate everyone." Rory slammed the phone into the wall, her anger boiling over her saturation point.

"Jess, think about what I said, okay?"

"I'm thinking."

"Good. Try to sleep Jess. I know it's hard without your Rory pillow but we all make it through the rough times with a Zoloft prescription and self love."

Jess groaned, for the thousandth time tonight. The Gilmore women loved making him feel uncomfortable. "I'm more of a fan of Prozac." And with that great last line, Jess hung up the phone.

Oh what fun Lorelai had with her little mind games.

* * *

It's almost two hours later. Rory is stretched out on her bed and staring at the ceiling, most likely counting the cracks and cobwebs. You could tell she had been crying from her puffy eyes and the clumps of mascara on her eyelashes. 

Lorelai stepped into the room a bit puzzled as to why Rory was crying, yet again. But it didn't phase her like it would have two days ago. She was getting used to crying Rory. Dramatic Rory. Bitchy Rory. Crazy Engaged "Want my Diamond Ring" Rory.

"Mom, I am trying to be calm about this." Rory breathed deeply when she said this, like she was using all her energy to keep herself from bursting into tears.

"Okay."

"But you know I don't like it when you listen in on my phone conversations with Jess. This is the third time in the past month."

"Those other two times were accidents. The phone just slipped on and I heard a few things…"

"Yeah, like the pregnancy scare I was never going to tell you about."

"Okay, it was a minor diddle, but you should have told me about that. I'm your best friend!"

"Only on Tuesdays and Saturdays. And definitely not when I might be pregnant, at least not until a professional tells me, yes you are going to get fat and waddle for nine months, enjoy."

"Well it's not like I got to hear anything juicy this time, just the usual 'come home, I miss you, Jess is so whipped, blah blah blah stuff'."

"If it was so boring, why were you listening?"

"Project Runway wasn't on?"

"Whatever. So, what did you and Jess talk about? My mental breakdown?"

"Nah, just about your past boyfriends. Nothing major."

Rory chucked a pillow Lorelai's way, completely missing and hitting her book shelf.

"You throw like such a girl. And you're marrying a guy who throws like a girl. You need to get a really big dog to protect you. Not a miniature poodle, but a regular size one."

"That sounds nice."

"What?"

"Married. It has a nice ring to it."

"You're getting married."

"I'm freakin engaged!"

"Should we do the engaged dance?"

"We must."

Rory sprinted over to her stereo, slipping on the hard wood floors in her socked feet, but she didn't even take the time to say "oh boy, that was a close one" or slow up. She started looking through her lopsided cd stack, pulled out Gimme Fiction, put it on number three and turned to Lorelai.

"When you're in a crowded room and you eye that boy you really want to ask to dance but you aren't sure what to do, what should you do?"

"Bust a move!"

And the dancing began.

Rory was flailing her chicken arms around, smacking Lorelai in the head a few times, but the two girls didn't seem to notice any pain they inflicted on the other because they had created their own awkward white girl dancing mosh pit.

"I love this song!" Lorelai yelled, over the music.

"This is like the first time we haven't done our happy dance to a JT song. We're improving."

"We need to take this party to the streets. Grab the stereo."

"But the song is almost over."

"Put it on repeat!"

"Maybe I should switch to Simon and Garfunkel so Taylor doesn't have us arrested."

"I've always wanted to see the other side. Let's be rebels."

"But orange isn't my color."

"I'll add sequins and sparkles to our jumpsuits during craft time."

"Okay, let's go dance in the streets."

Together the girls screamed "Like Fame!" then started laughing again.

* * *

The girls had made it to Luke's without anyone joining in on their dance party. Of course, it was 10 at night in Stars Hollow. Everyone was either praying or sleeping or dreaming about praying. 

Lorelai grabbed Rory's stereo and switched out the cds.

"Hey, how'd you fit that cd in your jean pocket?"

"I wore my fat jeans today. And I really love Marvin when I'm excited."

"Don't bring up Let's Get It On again. You know I still have nightmares."

"No worries, this is just a little song you might remember from Charlie Angels."

"When Dylan is shot out of the window?"

"Yep! It's like you can read my mind."

"We need to smoke or something. Remember how he smokes and does the cool smoke thing while singing? That was awesome."

Lorelai stopped dancing and stared a Rory, making Rory feel uncomfortable, the kind of uncomfortable she got when Jess used to stare at her when she was just drinking coffee.

Lorelai put on her mom voice, "Rory Gilmore, has Jess made you a smoker? Do I need to buy you the patch?"

"I'm a stress smoker."

Lorelai was shocked! Her daughter was icky. Just when she was about to lecture her on how icky she actually was, after school special style, Rory's phone went off.

She gave her mom an apologetic smile. "Sorry, I brought it with me and left it on because my editor likes to surprise call at random times. She's such a sleep nazi."

"This is 'I'm engaged get my groove on time.' You know phones aren't allowed in this fun zone."

"Can I please take it?"

"Why not. First a smoker, now a rule breaker. Next week I'm going to find out you are one of those crazy internet people that talks about Lost theories."

Rory looked down at the number, saw who it was and was a mixture of confused/worried.

"Is something wrong?"

"I see you."

"Are you watching Scream?"

"Do you like scary movies…"

"I'm not reenacting this scene with you, Jess."

"Or dancing in the street better? Rate it for me."

"How do you know…"

Rory stopped talking when she felt lights on her back and turned around to see Jess, in his car, waving like an idiot and laughing.

She couldn't help but break out into a painful smile. Jess had driven down all the way to Stars Hollow! "What are you doing here?"

"Barry Manilow is coming. I couldn't miss that."

"You're such a geek."

"Fanboy, not geek. Get the terminology right."

"And you know this is considered sweet and very 80s romantic comedyish, right? Is there going to be a stereo playing "In Your Eyes" tomorrow?"

"Why can't you Gilmore's make it easy? You could have dropped your phone…"

"Which would have cost me money if it broke."

"And ran to me, smiling of course…."

"Smiles hurt my face this late at night and I don't have on good, supportive running shoes."

"And then thrown your arms around my neck, and I would have spun you around, kiss kiss, and boom, it would have been cheesy movie worthy. But no, we are standing 10 feet apart, bantering on our cell phones."

"So we're both geeks."

"Pretty much."

"That means we're made for each other."

"There's the sweet, sixteen year old 'I love boy bands' Rory I was looking for."

"I never loved boy bands."

"Right. C'mere."

Rory walked over to Jess and wrapped her arms around his neck, just staring at him for a moment, taking in "The Jess." He took this as his cue, leaned in and captured her lips with his. When he deepened the kiss a bit, to make it "I haven't seen you in a week" worthy, she started to smile, making it hard for her to kiss him back at all. Then she opened her eyes and broke out into a full out, hyena sounding, laughter.

"So now I can't even kiss you without you laughing at me?"

"I opened my eyes."

"You aren't supposed to do that."

"It was very out of body. It was like you were kissing a blow up doll."

"You did taste a bit plasticy."

From the outside looking in, the couple was in their own little sugar coated, unicorn loving, tree hugging world. Lorelai wanted to throw up. But being the wizard of witticisms she was, she had to say something.

Clearing her throat, she yelled over to Rory and Jess, "You two are gagarific." Lorelai stuck her finger down her throat. "I'm considering bulimia over here. Bulimia!"

"At least you'd finally make it on Top Model." Rory laughed at her mother's dramatics.

"If I told you to get a room, would that show my age?"

"I don't know. Try it out and we'll decide."

"Get a room!" Lorelai yelled.

"Lame." Ah, Jess. He didn't use many words, but the few he did were always effective.

"The 80s are coming to get their leg warmers and George Michael tapes, mom. Run!"

Lorelai walked over to the couple, still standing in the streets, facing each other. A car could come around the corner and hit them at any moment and boom, no white wedding.

"Welcome back to the Hollow, son." Lorelai made a sour face, "Wow that sounded gross."

"Never again, please." Jess was equally freaked out.

"I'm sorry. I was just trying it out. I didn't know it would be that uncomfortable."

"I never thought I'd hear you call Jess son."

"Invasion of the body snatchers! This is not me! I hate coffee, love dancing vegetables and hope one day to dress like Hilary Clinton."

"She's pretty sexy."

"Jess!" Rory playfully slapped him on the arm.

"So now I know why Rory no longer watches CNN."

"I'm covering my ears. La la la, can't hear you." Rory had her hands over her ears, not wanting to hear her mom and Jess talk about sexy Hilary Clinton. Double ew!

"Where have I heard those la's la's before? They are so familiar."

"Maybe it's because whenever we walk through town, you pretend la's la's follow us."

"Oh yeah, I forgot about that time I sung us out of Luke's. Oh to be young and caffeinated heavily again. So, Jessica, what brings you to the Hollow, besides Barry Manilow and cat collectibles? And if one of the top three reasons is my looks, charm or wit, I won't call you Jessica for the rest of the night."

Jess smiled (even Lorelai could do that to him now) and started listing, "One: Nothing was on TV and I didn't want Rory to freak out about the things I purchased late at night. Two: Rory. The apartment is really quiet without her, which is nice for a week, but after a week, you realize how much she really talks. And listening to her pretend voice over tapes doesn't really make up for it. And three: I heard there is a secret town meeting. Thought I might check it out."

"A what? And Rory, you have voice over tapes? That's brilliant. Why hadn't I thought of that?"

"I got it from The O.C. You own all the seasons. How could you have not thought of it? I'm sure you've memorized the scene. And yeah, Jess, how do you know about a town meeting and we don't?"

"Well everyone is invited but you two, even Luke, which is weird considering he's your coffee god and all."

"What's it about?" Lorelai wanted to rip out Jess' brain and get her answer since he was being Captain Suspense over here. She was like a dog excited that their owner finally paid them any bit of attention, before they beat them.

"Paws down and I'll tell you what I know. Jeeze. Okay, so supposedly it's about me and Rory. That's all I know. Don't start attacking me for info like you did that one time when I gave you decaf and all the caffeinated coffee pots had magically disappeared. I still have a heel imprint on my shoulder."

"Rory, did you train him to talk this much?"

"We've been working on people skills. Good boy." Rory patted Jess' head, and he just rolled his eyes.

"Does he get a treat now? Do you carry around cookies?"

"Maybe later." Rory winked at Jess.

"Ew, not in front of the mom!"

"Sorry."

It was quiet for only a moment, when the girls remembered what they had just discovered: the meeting!

"This meeting sounds fishy. Kind of like what happened with you and Luke."

"Maybe they are staging an intervention."

"Maybe they are going to sell you off to whoever has the most goats."

"Jess, be serious, it's about us."

"This is Stars Hollow. Nothing is serious. I'm not even sure why I thought I might go."

"It is weird for you to voluntarily come to a Stars Hollow function."

"Nothing is making sense lately. I watched Sex and the City the other night and Carrie Bradshaw reminded me of you."

"Kirk did call Rory that once, except he said 'That slutty cosmo drinking chick from the HBO show about sex'."

"Close enough," Jess said in his common "whatever" tone.

"When Jess goes through his dark periods like this, he also listens to Journey."

Lorelai loved this, "Oh my god, you like Journey? Jess, what's your favorite song? Are you going to play their Greatest Hits at your wedding? Dance with Rory to Open Arms?" Then Lorelai started to sing, "Lying beside you, here in the dark, feeling your heart beat with mine, softly you whisper, you're so sincere, how could our love be so blind?"

"Oh god, make her stop." Jess groaned.

"Can't. She's a Journey lyrical machine.

Once Lorelai got to the chorus, she started belting it out, "So now I come to you, with open arms, nothing to hide, believe what I say. So here I am, with open arms, hoping you'll see, what your love means to me. Open arms"

Rory clapped. Jess just looked like he was brooding.

"Do you feel emasculated now Jess? I'm sorry; really. It's just when I meet a fellow Steve Perry head, I'm forced to serenade them."

Through gritted teeth Jess spoke, "I do not like Journey."

"He has their Greatest Hits album, mom."

Jess threw his hands into the air, "Rory, seriously!"

"I don't know how Joey Ramone would feel about that Jess."

"Why do I get mocked for owning a Journey cd and Lorelai can go on loving the Spice Girls?"

"I sold my self respect years ago for a free ice cream cone. You, on the other hand, are full of pride. I bet you dig the lush orchestral sound of Styx as well." Lorelai paused, then decided on changing the subject, "So Journey lover, do you need somewhere to stay?"

"Why, planning on letting me sleep on your front porch again?"

"I didn't know it was you."

"I have to give it to you; you're way stronger than I thought, dragging my body outside. I still can't feel my toes sometimes."

"Okay, I knew it was you, I just didn't know it was so cold. But no, seriously, this time you can stay inside my house."

"I'd rather sleep in my car than having you watch me all night."

"As long as you're on my couch there will be no holding the glass to the door or random three a.m. bed checks, with horns, bells and roosters."

"And if you stay at moms, we can start talking about the wedding," Rory said, excited at the prospect of wedding talk.

"At midnight? Cause after I shower and eat, it will be midnight."

"We've only got a little over three months. We have to start sometime."

"How about tomorrow? You know, when the sun is up and you haven't been dancing around in the streets."

"Wait, three months?!?!" Lorelai yelled, with a mixture of confusion and surprise in her voice. "You set a date and didn't tell me?"

"I thought you were listening in?"

"Obviously I missed that part. That was probably when Paul Anka knocked over my cherry baby nail polish and I had to hide the phone under a pillow so you wouldn't hear me cleaning. So a date, huh? When?"

"September 13th," they said in unison.

"You said that together. I want to kill you both. You're sickenly cute. Just wait until Luke gives Jess 'the talk.' You'll no longer be cute."

"I think I'm past the age for the birds and the bees. And I have skimmed through Rory's 'Our Bodies, Ourselves.' I'm up on my girl information."

"While that's disturbing and awesome all at once, Luke has a different kind of talk. It's hilarious. He's been practicing it on me. I love playing a Jess stand in dummy. You are really easy to play, I have to say. Just nod, scowl, brood, and then say 'huh.' I used my Ryan Atwood knowledge, mixed with a bit of nerdy book boy to play you."

"Oh mom, you'll have to do your Luke for Jess tomorrow. It's amazing. You're such a character actor."

"I owe all I know to Jack. Without his craziness, I'd be nothing."

"That's her Oscar speech. Well part of it."

"It's ten pages long. And it just keeps getting longer everyday. I almost forgot to thank Mr. Coffee and Eggos."

"Who do you thank first? Coffee or Rory?" Jess asked, egging Lorelai's craziness on. He wasn't sure why he did it, it was like, he was becoming a Gilmore Girl. Ah!

"Oh this is the best part!" Rory squealed.

"Neither. You see, all these actors thank everyone. God, their mom, who by the way, I do owe all my insecurity and self hate to, their pool boy, Warren Beatty, the tanning salon they go to frequently, Paris Hilton, blah, but no one ever thanks themselves. So my first three pages, I thank myself. Because without me, I wouldn't be here on stage, starring at crazy Jack and wearing my swan Bjork callback dress!"

"It's brilliant."

"It's absurd."

"It's Lorelai."

Jess looked down at his watch, "Oh wow, look at the time. Better get out of the road before Taylor goes on his midnight stroll to find potheads and teenage vandals."

"Oh my gosh, we are going to miss the Daily Show if we don't hurry home!" Lorelai couldn't miss her Jon Stewart! She wouldn't sleep well without his crazy political shit.

Rory started panicking, as well. Jon Stewart was a Gilmore staple. "Not Jon Stewart! We have to make it."

"We're going to have to sprint aren't we?"

"It's the only way."

"God, I hate physical exercise."

"And sweating."

"Both are just so unnatural. Who sweats?"

"Lesbians. And Matthew McConaughey."

"But that's a nice sweat."

"Lesbian sweat?"

"No! Well I guess it depends on the lesbian… but no, I meant Matthew 'I don't own a shirt but I do own sixty bongs' McConaughey."

Jess just stood there, shaking his head at their ridiculousness that he could never dream of keeping up with (nor would he want to).

"Hey girls, I've got a car."

Lorelai completely ignored his words. She only heard his voice interrupting her "how to get out of running" thoughts. "Shut up Jess. We're trying to figure out how to run without running."

"I could piggyback you half way and then we could swap. That means we'd only half run."

"If only I would have bought that scooter and named it Scooter Libby."

"But would we have ridden our scooter to go dancing in the streets?"

"Most likely not. I now understand Mrs. Kim. Dancing is evil."

Since the Girls weren't paying any attention to poor little Jess, he went and started up his car, causing the girls to jump, then squeal.

"Jess has a car!" Rory started doing her happy hop, hopping in place.

"That he can drive!"

"We won't miss Jon Stewart or have to sweat."

"I love Jess."

"Mom, be careful, he might hear that."

"Oh yeah," Lorelai yelled out to no one, "I really hate the dirty hoodlum. No daughter of mine is birthing leather jacket wearing babies."

"Much better."

"Thanks. Let's get in the car. We have," Lorelai looked down at her Hello Kitty watch, "The kitty says we have two minutes!"

"Ah!" The girls ran over to the car, hopped in and told Jess to drive as fast as humanly possible, without hitting a bench. Ah, nostalgia. It's a bitch.

"Jess, you're such a jerk."

"Rory, I hate your hormones."

"No, I have to agree with crazy pill popping Rory back here. You had a car and said nothing."

"But…"

"No buts. You're sleeping on the couch tonight with no Rory visits."

"And no Lorelai visits either."

"That probably makes him happy."

"Okay, lots of Lorelai visits. I will sit beside you and pull your hair all night long. No sleep. You'll go nuts!"

"At least Rory and I will match."

"You can wear matching restraints and everything."

"It will be adorable," Jess said this in his sarcastic, cheerleadery voice but the conversation was soon ignored when they pulled in the driveway.

Both girls hopped out of the car and ran (ran!) into the house.

"Hey Jessica, whenever you get in, you can make coffee, okay? Thanks!"

"You don't think it's mean to make him do things when he came to see me?"

"He's a man. It's his job to make you happy and coffee makes you happy. If he has to blow up to make you happy, that's just how it works."

"Oh. I need this women's rule book you speak so well from."

"I'll lend you my copy."

* * *

Jess stood outside for a moment just watching Rory and Lorelai. Was that creepy? He wasn't sure anymore what was considered creepy. He'd wake up before Rory and watch her sleeping. It wasn't pretty or angelic like in the movies; she snored, she drooled, sometimes she even mumbled her times tables. It was pretty geeky, actually. Yet he still enjoyed just being in her presence. 

Yes, he'd gone soft. For a girl. He hadn't seen this coming. And now he was here, at her house. He drove three hours just to make her happy.

What the hell? He would never do that for anyone else.

Why did he do things like make her coffee, and hang out with her mother, who made him extremely uncomfortable?

Maybe it's because love makes you a big, fat, stupid loser. And he was Rory's loser.

**

* * *

****Ending author's note: **I'm hoping a love for being drenched in Matthew McConaughey sweat catches on. Sounds like an awesome way to get hepatitis to me. 

And like always, reviews are optional. Like bathing, eating, sleeping and breathing. I am choosing to breathe right now. I hope you are too.


	5. Pedestrian Fantasies of the Undersexed

**Chapter 5: **Pedestrian Fantasies of the Undersexed

**Author's Note: **I actually looked up the official definition of undersexed on urban dictionary and it's a sad, sad predicament to be in. I like my no sex predicament much better than the life of the undersexed. It's a vicious, vicious circle. But their little example was hilarious. I'll share it with yah'll lucky few:

_Many serial killers were undersexed. Harvard students are undersexed. Hence, Harvard students are serial killers_

That's so Rory. Minus the Harvard part. So maybe in the final chapter Rory will kill Jess and her entire wedding party during one of her rage black outs. That would be an awesome finale.

**Disclaimer: **I'm not sleeping with Paul Banks. Part of this was inspired by sexy O.Cness, but it's just a minor rip off and comicist is my own word. If you want to use it and abuse it, pay me please. I accept all major credit cards. No personal checks.

Oh and if you have weird feelings about sexy bathroom time, don't read this chapter. Sadly for me, it's really not that sexy. I can't do sexy. I can't bring sexy back whatsoever.

* * *

Her vision was always blurry in the morning. 

Clarity was lacking.

Her ability to read or walk in a straight line didn't appear until at least 12 o'clock.

And sometimes, she even hallucinated.

But this wasn't a hallucination.

Rory Gilmore had awoken to a room filled with bridal magazines. When she sat up, a pile of magazines had gone crashing off her and onto the floor. Were there really this many different magazines all about weddings?

In her semi comatose state she was always in before coffee and coca pebbles (the fuel she ran off of) she tripped and went flying into the door, where twenty post its were strategically placed in the order she needed to read them.

Rory blinked, trying to make sense of the words.

"Form sentences, come on, you can do it. It's just reading. Read, dummy," she said to herself.

_You might be thinking I raided Eva Longoria's closet and decorated your room. The answer is no. Well actually her closet could look like this. Man Tony Parker is tall and she is so short. I bet that's awkward. She is probably always on top or he would just think he was having sex with himself, you know? Good thing you and Jess are about the same height. Yay for his short boy genes and your semi manish genes! And now you're probably about to throw this note away and hunt me down but STOP! You won't find me. I'm at my place of employment. So you could find me, but let's just pretend you couldn't for a moment. This is like a treasure map. You are Captain Jack Sparrow. Now that we are in character, I probably owe you an explanation. So the magazines are a gift from me to you. I figure if you are getting married, we need to do this right since this will hopefully (fingers crossed) be the only time. That means we taste thousands of cakes, listen to crappy Police cover bands, smell flowers that have no smell, and look through bridal magazines to plan the "Perfect Day." From what I gather, a girl wants her wedding day to be perfect. So that's what yours shall be. _

_You have a meeting with me and Sookie today at Luke's to do some wedding jiving. I promise it will be very low key, but its June babe! That means by the end of summer, it'll be time to do the dum dum dum dum, and cry; we have to get planning, now! So look through the magazines. Bring some that we can mock. You can even give Jess an armful and pretend that he is actually supposed to be involved in the wedding planning process (what a joke. Man I love parentheses. They are fun!)._

_Love you! Oh and Jess might be in an unusual place. He is such a heavy sleeper._

_Mom_

**

* * *

**Why was _Here I Go Again_ playing? Jess hated that song. It was the quintessential 80s song. 

But then he saw Rory. In a flowing white dress, with a slit way up to there. She looked strangely ethereal.

Whoa. He'd never seen her like that. And why was she on top of a car? Oh my god, she was washing it. And doing splits on it. And now she was taking the soapy sponge and rubbing herself.

She….the dress…she was wet. Ah.

"Feeling dirty, Jess?" Rory asked, and then flipped her hair. Wow. He hoped Lorelai didn't walk in on this. Damn. Here was his girlfriend, soapy, wet and asking him if he was dirty and he was thinking about her mom.

Another split. He just enjoyed watching Rory go. Was she ever a cheerleader and just hid the uniform? That'd be hot.

"Get up Jess."

Oh he was up. Most definitely.

Then he felt someone smack his head and opened his eyes, seeing Rory not in her goddess like white dress, but a plain old nightgown.

Bummer. And man, his dreams were so 80s and pedestrian.

But that didn't make them any less hot.

"How do you sleep through her dragging you in the bathroom and putting you in the tub?"

Jess rubbed the back of his neck. Man he was sore.

"No way your mom did this by herself. She is not wonder woman, no matter what she wears for Halloween or what she pretends when she calls you from her 'invisible plane'."

Rory laughed. Jess could be so cute without even trying. She bent down to his level and kissed him on his forehead, brushing some hair out of his eyes.

"From now on you are staying in my room. If you sleep on the couch one more night, you'll end up laying on the bridge and when you wake up, boom, you'll fall in the lake."

"It wouldn't be a new experience for me."

"I think being pushed in a lake for being a jerk is different than falling in a lake when you wake up. You could drown."

"Rory, come on. The lake is like three feet deep, at the deepest part."

"Well what if you hit your head or are attacked by a swan or better yet, get stuck in some sand pit of doom?"

"Wow, you are wired."

"I had to read."

"In the morning? Poor baby." Jess rubbed her cheek with his hand. If she was wearing a cheerleading uniform, while reading Hemingway, this would be the ultimate wet dream.

"Are you going to get out of that tub anytime soon? I have to go in a few hours for wedding jiving."

"What does that entail? Talking about cakes and listening to the Bee Gees?"

"I'm not sure actually. It's a mom thing. I'm just going along with it."

"Is that safe?"

"She's my seeing eye bitch for the day. I must put all my trust in her, even if it means I end up walking down the aisle to 'Like a Virgin'."

"I'd have to pull out my groom card on that one."

"You have groom cards?"

"Yeah, you didn't hear? I get to pull a groom card out whenever I think our wedding might end up like one of those donkey shows in Mexico. They also have other values."

"Such as?"

Jess smirked, "I'm pulling one right now to say you get in this tub with me."

"I can't get this nightgown wet."

"Good thing clothes can come on and off."

Rory blushed furiously and hit Jess on the arm, "You're crazy."

"Crazy for you."

"That is so lame."

"Well if you come in here, you can help me with my foreplay skills."

"I could do that just as easily out here, sitting, not touching you."

"I have bubbles and a rubber ducky."

"Does that have some weird double meaning?"

"Rory Gilmore, you're making me blush. I didn't know you were thinking about _that_."

Rory looked down, embarrassed, and started playing with the hem of her nightgown, avoiding eye contact with Jess.

"I need to wash my hair."

"I can do that for you."

"And shave my legs."

"I can make a cool zig zag design."

"I am not a crazy hippie girl. The hair on my legs isn't that long!"

Jess took off his shirt and smiled at Rory.

"I'm in this bath tub," Jess said, in a voice an octave lower than usual.

"I see."

"And my shirt is off, and now I'm turning the water on. You can join me or go to your shower and think about me taking a bubble bath."

Rory thought for a moment, sighed, then took off her nightgown.

"That was very Jedi mind tricky," Rory said as she climbed in the tub, "And stop smirking."

Jess kissed Rory on the lips, the kiss lasting long enough that when they broke apart, bubbles were up to Rory's neck.

"I don't think mom meant for this to happen."

Jess started leaving opened mouth kisses on Rory's neck, causing her to moan a little, "But…maybe…she did because she knew I needed a…bath."

Jess pulled back from Rory and smirked, "So, what time are you meeting your mom?"

"Lunch."

"So it's casual? That means if you show up anytime between 12 and 3, its okay?"

"My schedule is pretty open."

"Good, cause I've always wanted to see why these bath salts were such a big deal."

Both broke out into laughter. Bath time was fun again!

**

* * *

**"I think I just swallowed my tongue," 

"Quit staring at the ceiling. Why don't you call her? No way is she still asleep."

"And that's exactly why I'm not calling her. We'll just sit here until she shows up."

Lorelai and Sookie had been sitting in Luke's for the past two hours sipping on coffee and sharing cold fries. Luke had tried to kick them out on three separate occasions for loitering.

"Oh I think I see her!" Sookie squealed.

Lorelai jerked her head around, "That's just the life size cut out of her Taylor has up."

"Again? I thought that was a one time thing."

"The incident of 2004 reared its ugly head again last week when she came home for her visit. He somehow found out she was engaged and made her Ice Cream Queen."

"Does Jess get a cutout too?"

"Only if Taylor needs a target to practice squirrel shooting."

"You think Taylor squirrel shoots? And Jess does kind of look like a squirrel. I think it's in the eyes. Oh! I could make squirrel shaped cookies for the shower. We are throwing them a co-shower, right? I hope we are. I could make Jess as squirrel cookies and…what animal do you think Rory looks like?"

"A giraffe?"

"She is tall. But does she have the weird neck? Maybe she's a seal, all cute and she loves water, right?"

"To keep her hydrated and clean, yes."

"Then Rory is a seal! Or maybe a whale. Or a dolphin. Which do you think she'd prefer?"

"Can't she just be a tigress? That sounds much less horrifying than saying 'Rory is a whale'."

"But a tigress would eat a squirrel. That would be bad luck."

"And a whale wouldn't?"

"Well, why would a squirrel be under water? If a squirrel was under water, it'd be dead anyways and the whale would just be moving it out of the way."

"A seal can't work because the two can't mate."

"What mates with a squirrel?"

"Another squirrel?"

"But Rory doesn't look like a squirrel. Do you have a picture? Luke, come over here."

"No." Luke continued wiping the counter, not looking at Sookie or Lorelai.

"What animal do you think Rory resembles?"

"This is a crucial question, Luke. Blow this and Rory becomes a lemur."

Luke mumbled to himself, "I can't believe I'm really going to answer this seriously," then answered, "A bunny."

"A bunny, a squirrel. It's adorable!" Sookie clapped her hands.

"Hey Luke, when you get a moment away from your," Lorelai looked around to dramatize the scenario, "no other customers, which I know must be causing you to be crazy busy, could we get a refill on coffee?"

"I should have kicked you out an hour ago."

"But you didn't. And besides, you're working for my tips, so work baby, work!"

"I've told you before, you don't tip me."

"Then you're working for my word of mouth. If I have a bad experience, I could go on twenty thousand different websites and write about you keeping bodies in the freezer, spitting in the hamburgers and making sad, lonely, helpless women drink really bad ice water."

"It is pretty bad water Luke," Sookie agreed.

"Water is water."

Sookie and Lorelai both started to laugh.

Right then, Rory barged through the door, cheeks flushed, hair wet and breathing like she'd ran the whole way.

"Did you run here?" Luke asked, very curious as to why she couldn't catch her breath.

"Jess…and coffee…and big spill…clock said 2:45…lost keys…ran…fast."

"Rory!"

"Sookie!"

"Rory!"

"Sookie!"

"Sookie, add a few words to this conversation. Rory has to deal with a monotone dwarf for the rest of her life. Make these last few precious months of freedom full of nouns, verbs and adjectives."

Rory turned her attention to her very amused mother, "Morning mom."

"Morning? That's all you have to say for yourself? Not acceptable. I'll forget you said that. Try again."

"I'm out of quarters."

"Oh look Luke, she's gone sarcastic. I wonder who she picked that up from."

"I'm just filling up the salt shakers over here. Leave me out of this madness."

"Rory, you're getting married!" Sookie squealed, then grabbed Rory and hugged her.

"I know."

"Your mom told me not to bring up the ring issue," Sookie slapped her head, "but look, I just did."

"It's okay; really. Candy is better than Tiffany's."

"In Ethiopia," Lorelai said.

Luke walked over to the table, "Rory, can I get you anything?"

Lorelai smirked, "Get her the guilt meal, with a side of lying."

"So a cheeseburger and fries?"

"That'll work. Thanks Luke," Rory gave Luke a small smile then turned back to her mother, "What?"

"Running? Seriously, Rory? Do you think I just fell off the pumpkin truck?"

"The pumpkin crop is going to be horrible this year. Jackson has already gone through three boxes of Kleenex crying over it. If we do pumpkin soup for the wedding, we'll have to have some pumpkins shipped in."

Rory stayed silent, looking down at her shoes.

"I saw his car. He dropped you off. No need to make up some elaborate lie. We're women here. We _understand._" Lorelai winked at her and Sookie let out a small chuckle.

"You're a really awkward winker, mom."

"I know. It sucks because men are always like 'Are you having a seizure?' I'm glad you are a less awkward winker than I."

Sookie cleared her throat, trying to get the girls back on topic.

"Okay, I know I'm not BFOTB this time, but I am Sookie the magical chef so I would like to get a menu going."

"You're catering my wedding?"

Sookie looked hurt, "Oh, I just assumed because I was invited today but don't worry. It's fine. Silly Sookie. Always being so…silly."

"Sookie, I don't think that's how she meant it, right Rory?" Lorelai kicked Rory under the table.

"Oh I meant to say 'You're catering?!?!' with shock and surprise. I wasn't sure if you'd have time for me."

"I've already had a dream about your cake. It's black and white, like you and Jess, not that he is black and this is an interracial thing. I mean symbolically. Anyways, it came to me in this weird dream where you were painting each other. It isn't as bad as it sounds. You were fully clothed. And then I made the cake. And you married the cake, instead of Jess. But I think the cake symbolized him. I hope. That would be weird if you married a cake."

"Right. No more coffee for Sookie." Lorelai patted her back.

"How much have you let her have mom? You know she gets weird with too much caffeine."

"I tried to be a good Rory replacement. I've failed."

The girls all started laughing, and flipped through a few of the bridal books Lorelai had kept for herself, just in case Rory forgot her one and only job (which she did).

Luke brought Rory's food over and set it down on the table.

"So, a wedding Rory, huh? That's exciting. And good for you," Luke awkwardly half hugged Rory, almost choking her since she'd stuffed at least ten fries in her mouth, "Have you seen Jess anywhere? I've been wanting to congratulate him."

"Or something like that," Lorelai whispered.

"He said he was going to hang out around town, whatever that means. He's probably reading."

"Or hiding from Luke. I think he's scared. I told him about 'the speech'."

Luke became evasive. "What speech?"

"**THE **speech. We've been practicing for a week now. No way have you forgotten. This isn't funny Luke. You're making me look like a crazy pigeon feeding lady."

"Just walk away slowing Luke before she pulls out the sword she keeps in her purse and goes Kill Bill on all our asses," Rory jokingly advised.

Luke walked away from the table quickly, knowing any second now Lorelai was going to have an outburst. Three…two…one….

Lorelai stood up and pointed her finger at Luke, shaking and twitching like she was about to have an epileptic fit.

"Fine Luke, you go be like that. Next time you need someone to eat your stale doughnuts and drink your old coffee, count me out. I don't want any part of it. Actually, forget I said that. I live off those stale doughnuts. But we are no longer friends. Mark my words. I am writing about this in my blog!"

Lorelai sat back down in her chair and let out a long, loud, overdrawn huff.

Sookie laughed, "It's like high school all over again. I'm having flashbacks."

"Only now I have better hair." It was true. She had the weird 80s perm going on for awhile.

"It's like you two are sixteen and he wouldn't go with you to homecoming."

"Babe, that was nothing compared to my homecoming rant freshman year on Jake Thompson. What an asshat He actually had the nerve to tell me I talked too much!"

Rory rolled her eyes, "Wow, wonder where he got that from? You hardly ever talk."

"I know."

"Quiet as a mouse," Sookie added.

"Shy like a virgin around the goods."

"A tight lipped prude."

"I didn't know I was having lunch with Little Miss Sarcasmo and The Chatty Baker."

"Are those our comic book names?" Rory asked.

"When I'm bored, I doodle."

"So that's why you asked me how I thought Luke would look in tights. With that butt, anything works." In a non-creepy way, Sookie admired Luke's butt. It reminded her of apricots.

"Ignoring Luke butt talk, that's really geeky mom. I think I might have to kick you out of this jiving. You'll probably want Jess and me to walk down the aisle dressed like Batman and Robin."

"They were both boys. That's a really bad example. You need to expand your comic book horizon, Rory, and not base everything on that one bad George Clooney movie."

"My mom: The Seth Cohen of Stars Hollow."

"Or The S.H."

"Oh my god."

Sookie started waving her hands in the air, "Girls, focus. We are planning Rory's freakin wedding! Where is your focus?"

Lorelai looked down and then in a low voice said, "Sorry."

"You should be. And you too Rory. So what if your mom enjoys comics? You read. You're a geek too."

"Sookie, it's not exactly the same thing. Her's have pictures."

"Apologize!"

"Sorry, mom."

Lorelai didn't look at Rory. "It's okay. I have to deal with comicist everyday. They just don't get my people."

From the kitchen Luke yelled, "And you make fun of me for being a Trekkie!"

"I don't wear a superman t-shirt and cape everyday."

"The wonder woman costume would look much better on you."

"I'm kidding, Sookie."

"Oh. So, a wedding!"

"I know!" Rory faked enthusiasm for the tenth time in this conversation.

"Do you and Jess have a song?"

"A what?"

"You know, you're out on a date, you have a moment, but not like sex in the back of the car moment that goes terribly wrong when your hair gets stuck in his zipper because you thought that is what all girls do, it rips, then you have a bald patch for a month and he dumps you for the girl with the lumpy chest because she puts out and doesn't have bald spots. But anyways, the radio is on and whatever song is playing you say 'That's our song!' Because if you do, then you can have that as the song you first dance to. You two have to have a song, right?"

Rory panicked, "Oh my god. Jess and I don't have a song. We're not a real couple."

"Well, we can pick out a song now and you can go see Jess, try it out and see if it works. We'll do trial runs. What's your favorite song?"

"What about Jess?"

Sookie started to laugh, then realized Rory was serious. "Oh Rory. You don't really care what the man thinks. You just pretend you do. You ask for his opinion, but you never take it. And if he picked it you'd end up dancing to some Sex Pistols song. I've never understood why people liked them. You couldn't dance. If you danced, it was painful dancing. I tried. I think I broke a hip."

"But if you picked God Save the Queen, you'd be sure to ostracize Grandma for life. Think about the possibilities." Lorelai smiled at the thought of no Emily for at least a month. It was a beautiful thought.

"I don't think I can pick a song on the spot like this. What if I pick the wrong song?"

"The woman is never wrong. Think big."

"What about Wonderwall?"

"Cliché much? And that song is so 90s."

"So?"

"I don't know. I just wanted to say that. Sookie, do you have any suggestions that aren't about killing your man or hating your man or leaving your man?"

"I heard this song the other day. I can't remember the title. It had a nice beat."

"And you could dance to it?"

"Yeah! It would be perfect. Now if only I could remember the title."

"Think Sookie, think. Use the old noodle."

"I remember! It was Foxey Lady!"

"Wow, I just got images of Jess thrusting and pointing at Rory."

"Mom. Seriously!"

"Hey, if you played that everyone would know he had the hots for you. The thrusting would just be a bonus. It would definitely ostracize my mother."

"And make everyone think I was a whore."

"But only the foxiest whore."

"Was that a serious suggestion Sookie?" Rory asked.

"Um…."

"Just say no, Sook. If you say yes Rory will go into a ten minute diatribe about how she's a debutante and girls of society can't promote sex. All tease, no please. That's her motto."

"Actually, I kind of like it. It's like saying your song is 'Laid'. People would remember it even though they were plastered. And Jess would like it."

"Laid. That'd be awesome. You and Jess' unhealthy relationship put into song form. James saw you two coming."

Rory thought for a second about the prospect of a Jimi Hendrix song as "their song" then remembered one minor detail, "But could I dance in Karen O? It wouldn't be a slow 'let's look into each others eyes and feel all gooey inside' kind of dance. It'd be fast. I don't want to put too much stress on Karen O."

"Karen O?" Sookie asked.

"My dress. We named it last night."

"It's questionable. Maybe you should go with a slower song."

"How do I feel about Sufjan Stevens?"

"Why are you asking us?"

"You're my panel."

"His name is cool. And he likes God."

"Thanks, Sook. Mom?"

"I wonder if we could get him to marry you."

"Mom."

"Is it too late to replace Jess?"

"She has a ring pop, Lorelai. They are binded by the candy. You can't break that bind."

"Are you serious Sookie?"

"Candy is very important. You have to heat the sugar to the right temperature but not too hot or it burns. Candy is very difficult to make. Takes a lot of care."

"Wow." Rory never knew candy could be so poetic.

"That was deep Sookie."

"Would you like to speak about the ring pop at the wedding?"

Sookie blushed, "Oh no, I can't speak. I'll throw up. So, chicken or fish?"

Luke walked by the girls, "I'm going out for…cantaloupes. Can I trust you three to keep Caesar from lighting himself on fire and to not break the coffee pots?"

"What about the hoodlums who will come in here and lout the place?"

"There is three dollars in the drawer. They can have it. And it's 3:30. Where are these 'hoodlums' that you speak of, especially at 3:30?"

"Have you not seen A History of Violence?"

Luke looked at Lorelai blankly.

"First of all, shame on you. It's a must see. It has Vigo, who I know you fell in love with after seeing Lord of the Rings. Secondly, in the movie, the guy is a normal run of the mill boring townie that runs a diner, much like you," Luke rolled his eyes at Lorelai's friendly put down, "but then boom, hoodlums come into his diner and try to rob the place, and they have guns! But he becomes superman and saves the day, shooting the scary evil robbers. But then we find out that in the past, he worked for the mob. Or something like that."

"Is there a point to this?"

"Without you, there is no one with a dark past to shoot the hoodlums."

"Rory, do you think you can protect your mother?"

"I ate a protein bar this morning."

"I'll be back in 30 minutes. Ten if the cantaloupes jump out at me," Luke added to make Lorelai shut up about the hoodlums.

"Fine, but if the hoodlums take my Hello Kitty watch, I'm breaking coffee pots. They're ugly too!"

* * *

Luke had left the three women to continue their wedding jiving in the diner, while he embarked on his mission to find Jess. 

It wasn't hard. Jess was at Andrew's, sitting against the wall, reading.

Jess was so predictable.

"So you are one of those people."

Jess looked up, saw Luke, then tried to figure out a way to get out of this situation. If only he could stop time.

Luke continued, "You know the kind that sits in a book store, reads the book, puts their greasy hands on the pages but doesn't buy it. So then someone innocent like me comes along, buys the book and gets avian bird flu."

"I'm not a carrier. Oh and nice to see you too Luke."

"You've been avoiding me."

"No clue what you're talking about."

"No need to go evasive. Lorelai gave you up."

"She talks a lot."

"You just realized that? You're slower than I gave you credit for."

"Did you come here for a reason or just to make fun of me because Kirk wasn't around and Taylor was busy with melons?"

"Um, could we step outside?"

"Are we breaking up? You can do it in front of Andrew. I'm not embarrassed to cry in front of a fellow man."

"And here I was thinking you'd changed. I guess I'll be revoking my blessing and start conspiring with Emily Gilmore to make you disappear."

"No need to pull out your Godfather talk, we can step outside. But no funny business. Taylor's watching."

Jess and Luke stepped outside of the book store and started walking down the street.

Luke put his hands in his pockets. Then took them out. Then put them back in. Then started wringing his hands together.

Jess pulled out a cigarette and lit it, then pointed the pack toward Luke, "Want one? You seem a little jumpy."

"I'd rather not have to talk through a box when I'm 50 but thanks anyways," Luke paused, "So you're probably wondering why I tracked you down."

"Nah, Lorelai gave me a heads up. She's a real gabber all around," Jess said this with a smile, conveying to Luke that even when he made a comment like this, he and Lorelai's relationship wasn't how it was back when he was the James Dean wannabe.

"I haven't really been practicing a speech."

"Whatever you say."

"But I just wanted to talk to you."

"I'm listening."

"So, marriage is a big deal, especially for a guy like you. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you're settling down. And you're lucky as hell it's with a girl like Rory. But marriage is hard. You can't buy her a book to make things all better when you screw up, which you will, a lot. You'll say the wrong thing and you won't like Rory everyday. You'll love her everyday, but somedays you won't like her very much. She'll ask you to do the dishes while the game is on or she'll fall in the toilet and freak out on you, you'll roll your eyes and she'll probably throw a shoe at you. Or something."

"Rory's not the type to throw objects at my head. Normally she'll just verbally abuse me."

"Maybe now, but wait until she gets pregnant and hormones kick in."

"Whoa, whoa. Moving a bit fast, aren't we?"

"It all goes fast, my friend. One moment you're having a good time playing poker with your friends, the next Rory is fat and pissed off and yelling at you for not buying her a pie and for giving her decaf coffee, which you will. Don't let her drink caffeine or your kid will have an irregularly large head."

"Really?" Jess asked, internally laughing at a kid who couldn't stand up straight because their head was too heavy.

"They had a whole 20/20 special about it."

"Well if Barbara Walters said it, it must be true."

Luke ignored Jess' sarcasm and continued, "Anyways, then she'll go through menopause, take pills to make her happy cause if she doesn't she'll be sweaty and pissed all the time, she'll cry, you'll comfort her, because you have no manhood left. And then you'll die."

"That's bleak."

"That's life. And you might as well give her your balls now willingly because if you don't, she'll take them. And she'll put them in a jar, seal the lid and you'll never see them again. Then you'll be the pansy at Starbucks ordering her nonfat double shot latte and muffin at 6am because she didn't feel like taking a shower. You'll be whipped no matter what, but giving in to the process makes it a little less painful for your manhood."

"So basically it's all downhill from here?"

"No way. You're a loser. I'm a loser. We're two unmarried losers. But now you'll have Rory, so you'll actually have a shot at not dying alone. That's big, especially for a kid who was one apartment away from being a crack dealer or a really bad white boy pimp. What I'm getting at here is marriage is a work. It's like signing a contract. You're promising Rory to not run out the door when things get hard and to not look at every blonde you see on the street. And she's promising you the same, minus the blonde part, unless she just likes that, which is okay. But not while you're around because…"

"I get it Luke. Did this all come from one of those self help books you profess to?"

"Lorelai's made me watch a lot of movies. And I've lived."

"I can't believe I'm taking advice from Grizzly Adams."

"And kid, I'm proud of you. I know I've said it a million times but you've really done something with your life other than make up comebacks and put down my place of employment."

Jess looked embarrassed, "Yeah, sorry about all that. I was a major jackass. If I could go back in time and kick my own ass, I would."

"I wouldn't mind seeing that."

"So what's Rory doing?"

"Wedding jiving."

Jess laughed at Luke using Lorelai terminology. "Do you even know what that means?"

"No clue. But you're a squirrel."

**

* * *

**Sookie and the girls had parted ways outside of the diner, even though Luke still hadn't returned from "cantaloupe shopping." But Kirk came in, so they were sure he'd take _wonderful_ care of the place. 

Lorelai and Rory started their walk toward home, gabbing as usual, this time talking about the Summerlollapallozza.

"I think technically, you're still considered a whore."

"But a whore for a good cause. Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."

"I don't think that's what Kennedy meant."

"Uh, I think he was speaking right to Marilyn. And Monica Lewinsky was just doing for her country as well. We all make small sacrifices."

"But think about it. This makes Taylor your pimp."

"Ew!"

"Double ew!"

"Triple ew!"

"The ewest of all ews."

"Crap, I hadn't thought about that. Hey, I've got an idea, why don't you join me?"

Rory held up her hand, pointing to the ring pop. "Hello mom, look at the ring pop. Engaged!"

"That never stops being funny."

"I don't think Jess would approve of guys paying to kiss me."

"It's just our booth for the Summerlollapallozza."

"Why didn't you volunteer to make the cotton candy?"

"Must I remind of the incident of 96?"

"All you had to do was press a button. Press a button and then serve. And even with those simple instructions, you ended up buried in cotton candy."

"My hair still tastes like sugar sometimes."

"I think that's a symptom of post traumatic stress disorder."

"12 years later? I think not! It's embedded in my hair. I tried bleaching it out. It just left me burning which led to an ugly Courtney Love moment at Luke's."

"You looked just like her. Add a shorter guy in flannel with dirty hair and people would have had 93 flashbacks. But seriously, you could have been so scarred by the cotton candy you imagine the taste."

"Whatever. All I know is I am having Taylor set up the kissing booth far away from the cotton candy."

"So how much are the kisses going for?"

"One dollar."

"You are not only a whore; you are officially the cheapest whore in Stars Hollow."

"No way!" Lorelai was flabbergasted.

"Yes way. Missy and Veronica and Bambi all charge way more for a kiss."

"We have prostitutes in Stars Hollow?"

"They mingle on the outskirts."

"How do you know this? Is it because of Jess?"

Rory looked away, ignoring her mother's question.

"Oh my god, Jess? No. Ew!"

"No, not like that mom. He just passed by them one time."

"And offered them a ride?"

"He is not Hugh Grant."

"But you are Elizabeth Hurley, minus having a resume that says 'High Point of Career: Austin Powers Chick'."

"She couldn't even make it as a Bond girl."

"If Denise Richards can do it, who can't?"

"My thoughts exactly. I feel double sorry for Liz. She was also in Bedazzled."

"Ouch, I almost forgot about that. It's sad when you are second bill to George of the Jungle."

"It's sad to admit that we saw Bedazzled."

"More than once."

The girls stepped inside the house.

"So I think we made a lot of progress today."

"Yeah, after Sookie stopped yelling 'September 13th!' over and over, we really got somewhere."

"And we get to have bi-weekly wedding jive meetings. That means even if you are mad at me for ah, let's say, birthing you, you will still have to come down here and share a meal with me."

"Unless I get mono."

"Then we come to you."

"Is Sookie really going to do three test runs? I'm sure if she made macaroni and cheese the day of, and threw out some hot dogs, Jess would be happy."

"Don't say that to Sookie! She'll have one of those weird panic attacks where only talking cucumbers calm her down. Believe me; she'll be doing at least three test runs. And she'll do sample cakes that you'll have to approve of, but if you disagree, she'll pipe you to death, so always agree."

"Can we still go to Weston's and taste test?"

"Of course. And if you're really good, we'll go to some coffee house and say we need to taste brews for the wedding."

"They let you do that?"

"Add the word wedding and you can do anything."

"Being a bride is so powerful."

"If you blink, maybe you can give Jess dancing skills so he doesn't have to take lessons from Miss Patty and be violated in the process."

"You signed us up?"

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Are you confused? Yes I signed you up. You haven't danced, besides your random seizure street dancing, since you were 17."

"Excuse me but grandma's wedding!"

"A slow dance. Wow, that's so hard."

"I didn't step on Logan's feet."

"Bravo. But did you pull out any moves that would wow the judges on Dancing with the Stars?"

"No."

"Exactly. I want my baby to bust a move and not knock Jess out in the process. And as for Twinkle Toes, well brooding bad boys just can't dance. It's a fact."

"Again with The O.C.? Seriously mom, it's not real."

Lorelai's ADD suddenly reared its ugly head, "Oh look, the answering machine light is blinking."

Lorelai pushed the button, and then heard the most horrible sound in the world coming out of her answering machine.

Emily Gilmore's screechtastic voice.

"Why aren't you answering your phone? Are you screening your calls? I hate caller ID. People can just decide not to talk to you. What if someone has had an accident and is bleeding from the head and you decide to screen their call? They will die, waiting for you to pick up. And I fell asleep sitting through your greeting, if you could call it that. Who is Paul Banks? You're sleeping with him? That is so crude. Do you think Paul wants the world knowing he is sleeping with you? Paul could be a very private man. Unless Paul is another one of your imaginary boyfriends you make up to placate me. If so, I am not amused. I want to meet this Paul, if he even exists, which I'm sure he doesn't. I'll google him later tonight. And why did you say Yippie-ki-yay mother- and then there was a loud crash in the background? Shouldn't have you recorded a new message? And if you were about to say that word after mother, I swear, well, I can't take anything away from you, so visiting you would be punishment enough. That's right Girls; I will be headed down to The Hollow, as you called it on your machine, tomorrow. I think we have a few things to work out since our last time together didn't end, well, as well as it could have. Tell Rory I have a surprise for her and make sure she's not eating too much ice cream. Goes straight to the butt. And Lorelai, your hair looks awful. Think about washing it soon. Paul most certainly won't sleep with you with unwashed hair."

"Again with the Paul Banks obsession?"

"Interpol speaks to my dark soul. I can be moody when I want to."

"You might want to take that part off the machine."

"But it's made me so popular! Sixteen year old boys want to hang out with me. I tell people I'm his muse."

"Hanging out with sixteen year old boys isn't something to brag about."

"You're just jealous Paul loves me more than you and that I am Stella."

"Stella is a whore."

"But he loves her."

"I give up. Go ahead, keep on telling everyone about you and Paul's nonexistent sex life. Anyways, why didn't the machine cut her off?"

"She's Emily Gilmore. Nothing cuts her off. It doesn't want to face her wrath. I am probably going to have to call The Exorcist to unpossess my machine."

"I can't believe she is insinuating I have junk in my trunk."

"Call my mother back and tell her you are proud of your juicy J.Lo booty. Please. I need some entertainment before I start panicking, shoving magazines under the couch, pushing crumbs under rugs and hyperventilating, while washing my dirty hair."

Rory patted her mother's head, "I'm so sorry your mother is visiting."

"Me too."

"We have to hide Jess," Rory randomly said.

"What?"

"In a closet, under the bed, throw him out the window. Something! She can't see him."

"I have a wacky idea. Why doesn't he just go to Luke's?"

"Good idea. How do you think of these things?"

"I drink a lot of Snapple, and then I send questions to the Snapple Lady. She's my new best friend."

"You foresaw this?"

"Not exactly but I asked her how to escape a mother's wrath and she said to 1) pretend you are dying or 2) marry someone she hates. I figured I'd just pretend I married Luke and stay there. Then she'd never come around, unless she needed a kidney."

"And this applies to Jess?"

"Well minus the getting married part. He'll just hide out there."

"It sounds much more logical if you leave out the part about ever asking the Snapple Lady."

"I'll remember that for when I use this bit at parties," Lorelai paused, "I'm thirsty."

"I'm sleepy."

Jess walked in the door.

"I'm a squirrel."

"Jess wins," the Girls said together, like always.

**

* * *

****Ending Author's Note:** I probably look like a rhinoceros. Or maybe a humpback whale. Who wouldn't want to be a humpback whale? Hump and back in the same name. It doesn't get much better than that. 

**Reviewers: **I wanna be adored. So adore me. I adore you.


	6. The Showdown

**Chapter 6: The Showdown**

**Author's Note: **When I think of a showdown, I think of a big fight, with blood and possibly an awesome death sequence where Uma Thurman kills someone (I'm pretty obsessed with Kill Bill). Sadly, I took an awesome title but didn't deliver an awesome death. I'm hoping to kill someone off before this story is over. I've always wanted to write a silly, awesome death. Let's hope I find someone creative to kill. And no, I am not going to cop out and make up someone just to kill them. I'm way ballsier than that.

**Disclaimer: **Making fun of Dean is not original, yet I did it. But hey, am I really original? No way. Kids write crap all the time on their blogs; most just don't bastardize it into a story about Gilmore Girls.

**By the way:** Writing the town meeting was really weird. I've never done one of those before. I had to get high to do it. Hope it's everything you hoped it'd be and more!

* * *

The door bell rang.

The girls scattered.

Paul Anka hid under the couch.

Jess went tumbling out the kitchen window.

"Why can't I go out the door?"

"She'll hear the door being opened and know we're hiding something," Lorelai stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"I could pretend to be your bottle changer," Jess joked.

"I can't believe you just said that to my mom."

Jess looked completely confused, "What?"

"That was very dirty. You're lucky she doesn't own a spatula."

"I would have totally killed you with it. I might borrow Luke's later so I can whack you. Oh and if you don't go out this window right now, I'll make Rory a nun."

"You can't do that. She's 24."

"Mom powers Jess. Get a clue. Now beat it."

"But what if she…." Lorelai slammed the window shut, knowing she didn't have time to listen to Jess whine. She just waved at him as he brooded and pouted his way to Luke's. Or wherever he was going to be sulky Jess.

"She wasn't supposed to come this early!" Rory whined.

"I should have known when she said 1 that really meant 12. Emily Gilmore is just like the mafia. They don't tell you when you are going to die."

"My heart is beating so fast."

"Of course it is; she gives people heart attacks. It's like she is Poison Ivy, only she doesn't have to make out with anyone; all she has to do is show up an hour early and glare. I wonder how many maids she killed this way."

"I wonder where she keeps the bodies."

"I can't breathe."

Rory and Lorelai headed into the family room.

"Where's Paul Anka?" Rory asked.

"Dead."

"Not funny."

"Hey, if I knew she wouldn't find a way to bring me back to life to then kill me again, I'd die too."

"I wish I would have taken yoga."

"Why? So you could stare at random people's heads between their butts? You can do that every night on HBO, without sweating."

"If I had taken yoga, I could actually curl up in a ball and hide under my bed, without being detected."

"Damn our abstinence to physical exercise."

Emily continued to ring the doorbell.

Lorelai pushed Rory back into the kitchen.

"Duck!" Lorelai almost yelled.

"Why?"

"I'm not ready to see her yet. I need a few more minutes of non-Emily time. Maybe we could pretend the door is broken and no one can get in or out."

"She'll come in through the window."

"Those are stuck too, with super crazy glue."

"Then she'll come down the chimney."

"And smell like Chanel soot? Are you crazy?"

The door opened. Emily stepped into the house.

Lorelai whispered, "Rats, I left the door unlocked."

"You didn't lock it last night?"

"The only threat in Stars Hollow is my mother when she visits. I forgot to run downstairs and lock it when I woke up, then I saw Runaway Bride was on, decided I'd do some studying and got distracted…"

"Well hello girls. Hiding from something?"

Double rats; Emily had caught them!

Lorelai panicked. What to do, what to say. Oh yes! "Surprise!"

Rory chimed in, "Yeah, surprise Grandma! Happy…Surprise!"

"What's the surprise?"

"Um…I'm pregnant!"

"What? Lorelai, you're not involved with anyone. I found out Paul was with a band called Interpol. I know he is not your baby's father. Besides, most of the family thinks you're a lesbian. Lesbians don't get pregnant."

"Just because I'm a fictitious lesbian doesn't mean I don't get around with Paul or some other male specimen with good seed."

"Rory is your mother pregnant? And tell the truth, because I know when you are lying."

"She could be. You can never rule out immaculate conception."

"Or our ghost theory."

"Do I want to hear what that is?"

"Probably not. Just wait a few years. I'm sure there will be a Lifetime movie about it. But yeah mom, your daughter is the brand new modern times Mary."

Emily rolled her eyes, "I'm thrilled."

Lorelai covered her stomach to shield her fake baby's ears."At least feign enthusiasm, mom. Little Jolie or little Pitt might hear you."

"You can't be serious. Rory, take your mother upstairs to lye down. She is obviously under the influence of something."

"She did try to clean the bathroom the other day."

"Those chemicals just get to me sometimes. One second I'm scrubbing the toilets; the next I'm scrubbing my face."

Emily walked into the family room, ignoring Rory and Lorelai's continued banter.

"She thinks I'm a lesbian."

Rory rubbed Lorelai's back, "I'm sorry."

"Do I act like a lesbian?"

"I don't know. How do lesbians act?"

"Oh my god, remember when I wanted to get my hair cut short? That is a lesbian sign."

"I had my hair cut short the first year of college."

"Exactly, those are the prime experimental years. Your subconscious made you do it, just in case. And I watched the Victoria Secret Fashion show the other day. I'm totally into chicks."

Rory pulled Lorelai into the family room where Emily was sitting, thumbing through a magazine. "If you still feel this way after Grandma leaves, we'll make you a dating profile so you can find your very own Portia."

Lorelai smiled, "So I'm Ellen. Well that works. Tuxes are cool."

"Not on your tall frame."

"Thanks mom. You really know how to help a girl's self esteem. Like the comment you made about Rory's badonkadonk."

"Her what?"

"It's a ghetto thing. You know Jay-Z? His people use it."

"Stop being racist Lorelai."

Lorelai held her hands up. "I'm not. I love Barrack Obama. I wish I was pregnant with his beige baby."

"Seriously Lorelai, there is no need to get defensive. Maybe you need anger management classes. And of all people to be against a group of people, you'd think someone in such a disliked group as you would be more sympathetic to others that face day to day challenges."

"Oh my god. My mother just called me retarded."

"Nonsense, I'm just saying homophobia is everywhere."

"Again with the lesbian accusation."

"It's okay Lorelai. I've watched Will and Grace. I've seen the L Word. I'm hip. I understand these things. I've come to terms with it."

"Grandma, what brings you to the Hollow?" Rory was trying to change the conversation topic to anything but lesbians, Barrack Obama and kids who enjoy the finer things in life, like glue.

Emily turned to Rory and smiled, "You Rory. You and your wonderful news bring me to Stars Hollow."

Lorelai laughed, "Her wonderful news? Did it become wonderful before or after you locked yourself in your room and drunk dialed Jess?"

"It had been a long day."

"Right."

"And I hadn't slept well the night before. The neighbor's dogs are beast."

"They're poodles."

"Well they sound like beast."

Rory quickly changed topics again, "So Grandma, why did you need to see me?"

"I heard you set a date."

"From who?"

"Sookie."

"Sookie sure is chatty when it comes to weddings." Rory wasn't happy.

And neither was Lorelai. "I'm kicking her out of wedding jiving right now."

"Girls, calm down. She just invited me to the co-shower."

"Just like she did with me and Max. I swear, I am stealing her knives and hiding them in the freezer, so they'll rust. Boy will she have a surprise waiting for her."

"And then I'll stab her with the rusty knives."

"Maybe I should hide her spoons. My daughter killing my chef might lose us business."

"But how can I stab someone with a rusty spoon?"

"Poke really hard."

Emily interrupted their plans on how to destroy Sookie, "Rory did you not want me to know? Is it one of those Stars Hollow life things that I am not supposed to be a part of? Because I don't have to come. I mean, a woman's granddaughter only gets married once, hopefully, and you're my only grandchild, but if you'd rather me not be there, I'll stay home. And I won't come to the wedding either. And then I'll die in a few years."

"Don't step in the guilt trip Rory. Avoid it."

"I thought you wouldn't want to come."

"Why not? You're my granddaughter."

"You weren't exactly thrilled when I told you I was engaged."

"I was just shocked. You're very young. And I thought we hated this Jess."

"You said you didn't remember him."

"I lied."

"If I could put my hate aside in a jar to save for later when he does something stupid, so can you mom. You only had to deal with him once. I had to see him repeatedly everyday for more than a year. Painful times. I had to see his smirking face that I just wanted to rip off and play hacky sac with, even though I hate physical exercise, every frickin day."

"Okay. Um Grandma, you and Grandpa are both invited."

"Sookie already invited us."

"So the point of this visit was just to call me a lesbian and make Rory feel guilty? Al Gore would not be happy about you making your carbon footprint bigger for silly reasons."

Emily remembered her other reason for coming, "Oh yes! Where's Jess?"

Rory gulped, "Who?"

"Jess. The boy you're supposed to marry. He does exist, right?"

"Oh that Jess. He's in…

"Rehab."

"Mom."

"Sorry. I thought it would make him seem young, hip and like he might date Lindsay Lohan. In the right light, you could be her stand in."

"He's not here."

"Does he not live in Stars Hollow?"

"He lives in Philadelphia."

"Is that where you plan on moving? It's such a dirty city, full of vandals and rioters."

"Mom, when was the last time you visited Philadelphia? 1964?"

"I also hear it is run down. Prostitutes probably walk the street in broad daylight. Do you want Rory living in a place like that?" Emily started waving her hands around, becoming angry, "Sure it's fine for a boy with questionable to no morals but not for our Rory."

"Correction: My Rory. And back off the 'Lorelai you're letting Rory throw her life away' train."

"I never said…"

"You've been implying since she told you she was engaged. She's 24! It's her decision as to who she wants to marry. Granted, I might have to have a talk or two about the worshipping of Satan with Marilyn Manson if she brought him home but I'm sure after a week or so, I'd be fine with him. No boy is good enough for Rory, both you and I know that. But it's her choice as to who she wants to be with. You can either support her or leave."

"Mom, it's okay, really."

"Not it's not. Your Grandma wouldn't be saying any of this if it was one of her people you were marrying. Don't you see it Rory? She's still trying to control your life in her own manipulative way. She wants to brainwash you. I bet the next thing out of her mouth will be that you should move to Hartford."

"Well it wouldn't the worst idea."

"Oh my god, mom, she's not you!"

"And she's not you either. No matter how badly you wish she was, she doesn't hate me or our life like you did. She is sensible. She understands our life isn't so bad."

"If she wanted that life, she would have stayed with somebody like Logan. But she didn't. She chose Jess."

"And I bet you're thrilled about it."

Rory broke into the conversation before a fist fight erupted, "Grandma, I think you should leave. I'll see you in August at the party."

Emily stood up, put on her sunglasses and walked out the door, slamming it for effect.

Lorelai stood up, her rage causing her to pace and vent, "Can you believe her? Criticizing Philadelphia? Oh she's good. Comes down here, pretends to be thrilled for you, thrilled Rory dear, then starts in on the city. If she was still here, she would have convinced you to spend millions of dollars on the wedding and to move to Hartford, a mere 10 minutes from her house."

"Yeah."

"Why aren't you more upset about this?"

"I don't know. What she said really didn't bother me."

"Don't you see that she decided to accept this wedding but in the process make you into an Emily clone, complete with the matching pants suits and overly hair sprayed hair? And I am not letting you get back in with those old, drunk and dirty DAR women. You need to move to California. Far away from here and your grandmother's clutches."

"She'd probably just follow me out there."

"Not if you lived on a commune."

"Then she'd have Jess arrested and me put in a mental institution."

"You're really not upset about this?"

"I don't see the point. I'm marrying Jess, you're fine with it, and that's really all that matters. I'm not brainless."

"I know."

"You act like I'm easily manipulated and sucked into Emily World."

"You're like Bambi. You want to make everyone happy and hop around fields with bunnies."

"I'm a bride. I'm past the making everyone happy stage. I'm certifiable!"

Lorelai laughed, "Oh my gosh, tonight is the town meeting!"

"I almost forgot between the killing of Sookie and you and grandma yelling."

"I almost forgot about Sookie between the face burning, heart racing and prostitutes in Philadelphia."

"Now I know why Jess likes it so much."

Lorelai had a thought, "Hey, want to go get some lunch and heckle Luke?"

"Sounds like the perfect post Emily exercise."

* * *

"Luke, you are my muse. I am Lou Reed and you are some blonde chick that I don't dig _that_ way. Just in a muselike way. I'm going to go home tonight and write a song about you. You'll be my femme fatale."

"I know you want my coffee."

Lorelai held up her empty cup, "And not your body. It's a very backwards relationship we have going here."

"He's your coffee whore," Rory added.

"I like the sound of that. Luke, can I call you my whore from now on?"

"No."

"But wait, you didn't even listen to the benefits of being a coffee whore."

"Which are?"

"I dare say you'd be voted the hottest coffee whore alive by Folgers."

"I don't know, mom. Some of those baristas at Starbucks are pretty hot."

"Because I am committed to my one and only coffee whore, I'll break a few faces. For you Luke."

Luke rolled his eyes and poured her coffee, "I am eternally grateful."

As Luke was walking away Lorelai yelled, "Remember, number one coffee whore baby! Work it!"

Lorelai turned to Rory, "That flannel is really his biggest selling point."

"Especially in Lumberjack Monthly."

"Maybe they'll do a story on him one day: The Coffee Whore Lumberjack Man."

Right then, Jess ran into the diner, looking over his shoulder, breathing heavily.

"Does she see me?"

"Who?"

"Oh god, get down." Jess dropped down to the floor and stayed there. Rory and Lorelai looked out the window just in time to see Sookie running down the street waving a squash.

Jess lifted his head up, "Is she gone?"

"Sookie?"

"Was there another woman outside waving around squash?"

"In most towns that'd be a safe question but you never know in Stars Hollow." Lorelai squinted, "Nope, that woman has asparagus. You're safe."

Jess slowly got up, then quickly walked behind the counter.

"Care to tell us why Sookie is chasing after you with vegetables?"

"Rory, you know she loves vegetables. Maybe she was just trying to pass on her affair with squash to Jess. She really should be a surprise guest on The Wiggles."

"No. She saw me walking around and started yelling at me to come here. Well no offense, but Sookie scares me. She's always really happy. So I waved and said 'Later.' Well she didn't like that answer, so she jogged to catch up with me, squash in hand, and started asking me why I didn't care about squash."

"Oh no."

"Then she started screaming about why squash was important for the wedding and that I should care. She said that everyone thought squash was sexy, ask Babette, and that if I didn't care about squash, Rory would just find another groom. So I started running away from her. And I ended up here."

"What was she still yelling at you?"

"She wanted to know if I was okay with having squash at the wedding."

"What'd you say?"

"I'd have to think about it. I think she was about to throw the squash at me."

Rory shook her head, "Sookie would never throw a vegetable. I'm surprised she was running with it. She's very protective of her children."

"Jess, never say 'I'll think about it' for food with Sookie. Just shake your head and say okay."

"I don't like squash."

"Who cares?"

"Uh, me."

Lorelai giggled, "Right. Your opinion does not matter."

"I can't believe Sookie chased you with squash."

"I'm going to have to buy a mask or she'll yell at me tomorrow about apples."

"Just find a good hiding spot. Like an alley. She'll never go down an alley. She'll think someone is servicing you."

"Ew mom, gross!"

"What, you could be the girl. In a blonde wig. I never said the girls name or profession."

Jess interrupted the Girls prostitute talk, "I'm going upstairs. And I'm sleeping here until its Monday."

"What? Jess, come on."

"First I end up in a bath tub. Then this morning I'm pushed out a window. Tomorrow your mom will hang me from a tree."

"Nothing beats a Sunday lynching."

"Don't mind her Jess. She just likes to get in your head. Its how she pretends she has super powers."

"I can fly! I did last week."

"It's no big deal. Luke's a monk. He doesn't care. I'll see you tonight, right?"

"You're going to avoid me all day long?"

"If I'm with you, Sookie will ask me about lemons and I can't be in that conversation. I'll go nuts and pull a McMurphy. Me choking Sookie. It won't be good for Jackson."

"Ugh, you suck Jess."

Jess walked from behind the counter, gave Rory a quick kiss, and then disappeared behind the curtain.

"That's the coolest magic trick. Luke and Jess are totally magicians."

"How many hours until the town meeting?"

"You're going to count the hours until you see Jess again? That's sad. You need to let go of his leash."

"Hours, mom."

"Threeish."

"So how are we going to show up since we're not supposed to even know its happening?"

"I'll be drunk and you'll be whacked out on coke or something. If we pretend we're totally out of it, they'll think we won't remember anything."

"Way to use the old noodle."

"It comes in handy sometimes. Not very often, but sometimes, like when I fixed the sink."

"You just don't use it anymore."

"Therefore, I fixed it. Oh and I defied gravity."

"You did not fly."

"You're just jealous."

"My fries are cold."

Lorelai stared at the fries and moved her eyes up, down, all around.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to get your fries to levitate with my mind. If it works, they will fly over to the microwave, the door will open, and they will be reheated."

"Reheated fries suck."

Luke walked by, "Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"Staring at the fries. You're scaring the customers."

"Oh coffee whore, you're such a tease," Lorelai semi shouted.

Lorelai took one last sip of her coffee, stuffed at few fries in her mouth, grabbed Rory's hand and left the diner.

As if Jess had been waiting for the girls to leave, he reappeared from behind the curtain as soon as they disappeared.

Luke took noticed and walked his way, for a little "chat."

"Did I mention that you shouldn't get married?"

"What?"

"Have you seen what you're marrying into? Have you looked at Lorelai? It's Rory in a few years. Runaway Jess."

"Funny Luke."

"I don't think you can handle it. You're little and emotional. I don't want you calling me in the middle of the night crying about Rory taking away your manhood."

"Again with the lost manhood crap?"

"I'm just preparing you. It's Lorelai and Rory. Not even science could come up with a theory for them."

"I hear NASA's been working on it. They're sending monkeys with tang to the moon."

"So you're really doing this?"

"Yep."

"I never thought I'd see you in a chimp suit."

"Hey, wait a second, I never said…"

"Oh man, you have to. Emily Gilmore's going to be there. Don't even try to get out of wearing a tux," Luke patted his back, "We'll go have you fitted in the little man's section in a few weeks. It'll be a fun time."

Luke skipped away with his coffee pot, laughing at images of Jess in a chimp suit.

"Maybe I can…" Jess yelled

"Nope. It's a monkey suit or nothing."

When Luke was out of listening distance, Kirk leaned forward, like he was about to make a shady deal to Jess. "Jess, could you step into my office for a minute?"

"No."

"It's just the corner table. I don't really have an office. I just wait for Luke to turn his back, then I solicit to his customers. My best deals have gone down at that very table."

"I don't want one of those shirts."

"What shirts?"

"The Rory and Jess shirt. You just cut out Dean's head and put my face on his body."

"I didn't have a full body shot of you."

"Dean is way taller than me. People thought I grew!"

"Maybe you were wearing heels."

"And why do you have a full body shot of Dean?"

"I was thinking about opening my own modeling agency back when ANTM started and I thought he'd be a good candidate. I have lots of shots of people around town. You were too short for the catwalk."

"That's called stalking."

"Only in some states."

"Wow. So, what are you selling this time?"

"Rings. Wedding rings, engagement rings, I just got divorced rings. The full monty."

"Rory has a ring."

"It's edible."

"So?"

"And it's red."

"Again, so?"

"That's not a proper ring for a girl of her social standing."

Jess groaned and rubbed his face, "Have you been talking to Emily Gilmore?"

Kirk avoided Jess' eyes, "What? No. What are you talking about? Just because she contacted me last night doesn't mean we talked about Rory or rings."

"Kirk, get out."

"I have some very cheap rings even you could afford!"

Luke walked over, "What's going on here?"

"Kirk is soliciting."

"Out!"

"But…"

"I told you. No soliciting of any kind."

"I heard you ran a brothel at some point. That's a form of soliciting."

Jess started laughing.

Luke scowled, "This is not funny."

"Sorry, I'll put my serious face back on."

"Kirk, I'm counting to three and if you're not out I'm deep frying whatever is in that suitcase."

"Okay, I'm going." And with that, Kirk was gone.

"What was that?" Luke asked.

"Emily Gilmore."

"Ah. That was one of her warnings, much like a Sicilian message. You got off easy this time. Next time she's going to lock you in a jewelry store."

"I wonder how she found out about my fear of diamonds."

"You joke now but you'll be crying after you have to go to the country club golfing."

"The country club?"

"Oh Jess. There is so much you don't know."

* * *

The Girls were in route to " Taylor's Top Secret Meeting": brought to you by Charmin. Seriously. He owned a banner that said that.

"I feel like I'm being watched." Rory subconsciously hugged herself, hiding her already fully covered body from the world.

"You're so paranoid. Chill."

"A blacked out car has been circling the block the whole time we've been walking. I have the right to be paranoid. Someone is watching us."

Lorelai smiled.

"What are you doing?"

"If they're taking the time to watch us, we might as well look pretty."

"You're sick."

"You can have me committed if something happens."

"That will be my first order of business after I'm chopped into tiny little pieces."

**

* * *

**

"Everyone calm down. This meeting needs to come to an order and be quiet. We never know when the girls will be floating around town."

"It's dark outside Taylor. I don't think they randomly float," Miss Patty said.

* * *

The girls were crouched down outside the studio, listening in without being seen.

"When can we make our grand Lindsay Lohan moment entrance?"

"When they start talking about watching the conception of your first child."

"What?"

"You saw Marie Antoinette. You know what I'm taking about," Lorelai wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"The town is not that pervy. And Jess is not Louis."

"Let's hope not. That dude was totally doing the stable boy."

* * *

"Rory and Jess are none of your business, Taylor."

Only five minutes in and Luke had lost it. Not that anyone expected him to stay cool. Taylor was putting himself right in the middle another relationship.

**

* * *

**

Lorelai peeked around the corner of the door to get a better view of raging Luke, "Oh boy, here goes Luke."

"Why is Jess being so quiet?"

"Probably because he is hiding. He doesn't have a cool coked out drunken plan like we do."

**

* * *

**

"You don't give permission for people to be together! How is this anyone in this town's business?"

"If it goes bad, Jess will burn the town down."

"What?"

"He's an angry person. He will. We can't have vandalism to the town because of Rory. We're not disputing that he and Rory are in love, but we all remember how crazy Dean went after things ended with Rory."

Random townspeople began commenting on the fall of Dean Forester.

"He stopped bathing."

"He barked at people."

"He locked his doors and got stuck inside of his house, going weeks without food."

"He was never very smart, but after Rory left him for that blond, rich boy, he just got dumber. He hammered his thumbs together."

Everyone in the room groaned and gasped at the mental image.

"He almost bit me on the street one day! He was rabid because of Rory!" Kirk screamed.

"She's a tart," some random old man mumbled. Maybe he'd been shafted by one of the great Gilmore's.

**

* * *

**

"Mom, can you believe they're saying this? They are feeling sorry for Jess."

Lorelai shrugged, "Well, you do have those eyes that say love me forever, kill yourself tomorrow."

**

* * *

**

Luke shook his head, "I don't believe this."

Kirk jumped in, "I have it all on camera. I'm thinking of making a documentary. I just have to find a few more of Rory's exes. There has to be a trail of boys Rory has destroyed."

"If they haven't committed suicide yet," quipped Taylor.

**

* * *

**

"There are only two."

"Don't forget Marty."

"Oh yeah."

"Tristan."

"He doesn't count. He was slimy."

"And that laundry room boy."

"He didn't like me. He said no to coffee."

"He was afraid of the eyes babe. He's probably never been the same man since."

**

* * *

**

"You're trying to stop their marriage? You can't do that!" Luke's face had gone crimson and his voice was fading,

"We're just looking out for Jess here. Don't you see?"

Luke stood up and walked toward Taylor.

"Oh god, he's going to attack him. It's going to be '98 all over again."

" Taylor bruises so easily."

"You hate Jess! You tried to find a way to have him arrested last time he visited. Don't give me this crap about protecting him. You just want to weasel your way into their business because you're bored talking about eggplants and planning Pallo-whatevers."

"Pallozzas," Taylor corrected him.

"Don't correct me!"

"Back off Taylor," someone in sunglasses said from the back of the room.

Everyone turned around.

"Young man, in the Bono glasses, state your name and affiliation with the town."

"No."

"Don't be defiant with me young man."

* * *

Rory poked Lorelai in the side with glee. It was gleeful poking. "Mom, mom, it's Jess."

"If this was The 80s, Molly Ringwald would star in a movie about your life. How John Hughes of him."

* * *

"Tell me your name!"

"No!"

"Citizens arrest."

"Shut up, Kirk."

"How do you know my name?"

"I'm psychic."

"Really?"

"Yes. Your face is going to get pounded in three seconds."

"I don't see how this matter concerns you, son. Rory and Jess aren't some Shakespearean couple. There won't be a murder suicide."

Luke interjected, "I wish I could find a way to infect you with SARS."

"Lucas that would be cruel and unusual punishment. It's worse than when you stole that child's doll."

"It talked! Constantly! About it's bodily functions. You don't talk about bodily functions in a diner."

"It's bad for business," agreed Morey.

"People will think he puts things in the burgers," Babette said.

* * *

"They are really getting off topic."

Lorelai was ready to dig deep into her acting skills and be the best drunk girl she could be, "I think we should make our grand entrance now."

"I like sitting out here, listening in. It's very CIAish, like we are waiting for our big fish to leak that they are spying for the Russians."

"Your boyfriend sucks."

"He's undercover. He has to play it off cool. He's very Sinatralike."

"Maybe Nancy Sinatra."

"Mom!"

"What, he could be a girl. I'm just saying."

* * *

"I don't get how my diner's business will suffer because of Rory and Jess. Explain that to me Taylor, please. Enlighten me."

"They will bicker whenever they visit. People won't feel comfortable eating there if Rory and Jess are throwing coffee pots at each other and yelling obscenities. Inter town marriage is bad for business."

"They don't live here!"

"Rory has been house hunting."

"What?" Jess yelled from the back.

"Young man, why do you care? Are you a fan of these two or something?"

* * *

"You've been looking at houses?" Lorelai was surprised. She wasn't sure if it was a good or bad surprise.

"Only briefly."

"I thought the Hollow was out. I thought it was bad for your marriage."

"My therapist has a therapist who also has a therapist. I've given up on listening to her. I can't find my Zen place anywhere but the Hollow."

"And Jess is okay with this?"

"Probably not. I was going to spring it on him one night when he was really happy."

"Oh I get it. _Happy_." Lorelai smiled suggestively at Rory. "Doing something slutty always gets you your way."

"The powers of being a girl."

"He'll never agree to live here, no matter what Penthouse fantasy you agree to try."

"I know."

* * *

Taylor was ready to call a vote. "All in favor of petitioning Rory and Jess to live at least 200 miles away and only visit twice a year, hands up."

Luke turned 180 degrees toward the crowd. This was his moment to shine. "No vote! Put your hands down. This is a non issue. If any of you vote for this I'll poison you. And you might be thinking, okay, we just won't eat at crazy Luke's, but you will. One day you'll be hungry and you'll forget. You'll come in and get a cup of coffee thinking no way he will poison that, it's Lorelai's livelihood. But I'll keep a special pot for her. And poison you. And then you'll become paralyzed in twenty minutes from some deadly spider serum I find. So you'll never really die. You'll just be paralyzed for life, lying on the streets watching some stupid Pallozzawappa…"

"Pallozza," Taylor corrected, again.

"Shut up Taylor," everyone said.

Luke continued, "…go on. Do you want that? If so, raise your hand."

The room was dead still, people making sure they didn't even flinch to appear they were thinking about raising their hands.

"No hands! I win. You lose."

"Yay for team Gilariano!" Lorelai yelled.

"Who is that?"

"It's someone outside, Taylor."

"I'm a black belt! I'll go take a look," squealed Kirk, his first chance to use his skills since his belt ceremony.

"I'll go myself. There are people present. No one would commit a murder."

"None of us would testify against them if they did," Luke said.

"We'd probably throw a party," added young Bono man.

"With cake."

"People, people, do not add to this man's insanity."

Taylor stepped outside and saw Rory and Lorelai crouching down.

"Girls, what are you doing out here? There's no town meeting tonight."

"Then what's with all the people?"

"We just all happened to be in town and decided to have a nice, little chat."

"Likely story, Captain Cardigan."

"Is that alcohol I smell on your breath, Lorelai?"

Lorelai remembered she drank some Listerine for a moment like this, so she put on her Spring Break drunk girl face.

"I'm so drunk Taylor."

Rory jumped into action, "Isn't the sky so big? So vast. It's like I can step in it and it can suck me up. Like through a straw. Don't you feel like the universe is sucking you through a straw?"

"Oh my god, don't tell me you two have succumb to the temptation of the white rabbit and hard liquor."

"I love that song."

"I wish I was Grace Slick."

"She was so cool."

"Luke, get out here. The Girls need you to make them some coffee."

"What's going on out there?"

"Lorelai smells like mint julep and Rory is high. I don't know what to do with them, except slap a fine on them for disorderly behavior and public intoxication."

"It's just ganja. I only use natural products. It makes the experience much more surreal, like I am one with the ground. Nature is me. The grass is grown, I water it, and I smoke it. It's like making love with the earth. I think we should all hold hands. Hold hands with me Taylor." Rory outstretched her hand for Taylor to grab. He refused. Asshat.

"Don't ground us Taylor. We've been good girls," Lorelai stumbled into Taylor, trying to keep herself from laughing at Rory's excellent stoner speech.

Right then, Luke stepped out of the town meeting hall and took one look at Rory and Lorelai and knew they were just getting their Nancy Drew on.

"I'll take if from here Taylor."

"I should have them arrested."

"That cardigan should be illegal," Lorelai yelled.

Luke grabbed Rory and Lorelai's arms and drug them away from Taylor.

"Come on girls; let's get some coffee in you."

"We're not having Courtney Love moments here, Luke," Lorelai whispered.

"It was all a big ruse. I'm not going to make love to the earth."

"I've been reading Hardy Boys novels lately and decided to go on my own little adventure."

"I know."

"What? How did you know? We were so convincing."

"When you're drunk, you repeat the same word over and over. And then you get handsy with everyone that passes by you."

"No one would ever get handsy with Taylor no matter how much they drank."

"Or smoked."

"Oh yes, I can't forget about my little ganja lover," Lorelai said, patting Rory's head.

"You should have come in there. I was stuck in there, by myself, defending Rory and Jess! Rory and Jess! Thinking about them together still freaks me out, yet I was up there threatening to kill people for them."

"Thank you Luke." Rory gave Luke one of her awkward, you might have avian bird flu, half hugs.

"So where is this spider serum?"

"You can get anything on ebay."

"You're so internet savvy now. Have you commented on my myspace page today?"

"I never comment."

"But you're one of my friends. You have to!"

"Rory doesn't comment."

"Yes I do."

"I've never seen your name on her comment page."

"Ah ha, so you do look. I fascinate you!"

"I have a code name, Luke. I can't be known as a myspace freak. Mom is fine with being known because she thinks she'll find stardom through myspace."

"I'm pathetic and doey eyed. Lonely people eat that up. Now I just need to cut an EP and I'll be right up there with Fall Out Boy for my friends list."

"I don't think that's possible unless you unzip and snap for the whole internet world to see."

"I had nightmares after you sent me the link to those pics. Michel saw me looking at it!"

"Do I want to know?" Luke asked.

"Do you ever? No. But I'll tell you. Mother and daughter shared penis links. I have to admit, being an almost 40 year old woman, I felt a little weird about looking at Pete's collection."

"But it inspired the Penis Etiquette blog entry. Who cares if it was slightly creepy? The blog entry was classic."

"Number 1: See if Sugar wants to go down before you pull it out and snap it. Seeing it before Sugar agrees to go down might make Sugar not want to go down."

"Oh look, we're at the diner." Luke opened the door, still carrying half of Lorelai's weight on one side.

"Luke, you can let me go now. I'm not going to start chasing cars like that one time after poker and mojitos."

Rory interrupted, "Luke, where's Jess?"

"You mean young Bono man? Beats me. I thought he might beat us back here. He was getting fidgety in the meeting and I think he was about to punch Taylor."

"Your boyfriend sure does love punching people."

"I think I'll go upstairs and wait for him. You okay coffeeing it alone, mom?"

"I've been meaning to kick you out of the room sometime so me and coffee can have some alone time. Go ahead. Scram. I need to make up to it for the dress incident."

Rory disappeared through the curtain and ran up the stairs, into Luke's apartment. She went inside, walked over to what she thought was Jess' bed (if she remembered correctly) and lied down, waiting for Jess to show up.

**

* * *

**

Lorelai took one sip of her coffee and made an icktastic face, followed by a look that can only be described as pure shock.

"Whoa, I think I'm having a bad reaction to caffeine."

"No way," Luke deadpanned.

"Yes way. I actually feel like I should go apologize to my mother."

"For what?"

"For being born. For babies not being able to be traded in if you don't like the model you are stuck with. I should have run away at three months."

"I thought you'd given up on pleasing your mother."

"I have. But today, I kind of had one of my crazy, spazzy moments when she came over."

"She's got to be used to those by now. You talk to vegetables. Nothing can shock her."

"You'd think so, but she just left. My mother never leaves. She never gives up. She gave up," Lorelai paused, deep in thought, "But on the other hand, she was inadvertently blaming me for how Rory is, again. I don't know. I can't believe I'm even considering I was in the wrong. No more coffee for me."

"Ever?"

"Nah, just for 30 minutes."

Right then, Jess ran into the diner, the second time today.

"Hey Bono. How's Africa?"

"Full of super AIDS."

"That was really insensitive."

"And politically incorrect," Lorelai added.

"Bono's on the chronic. Oprah is no longer his girlfriend. He's a changed man."

"Why are you speaking in third person?" Luke asked.

"Because I'm not Bono. Anyways, where's Rory?"

"Upstairs."

Without saying anything, Jess disappeared through the curtain and went upstairs.

"They're pretty gross."

"I hope they don't use my bed."

"God, I'm never having sex again. Thanks Luke," Lorelai paused, then stuck out her cup, "More coffee please."

"It hasn't been 30 minutes."

"You brought up my daughter and her boyfriend. I need a jolt."

**

* * *

**

Jess opened the door to find Rory sprawled out on Luke's bed, listening to Let it Die.

"This song is pretty depressing," Jess said, smirking at Rory, who was wearing very little.

"I like it. It'd be good to slow dance to."

"I'm not asking you to dance."

"I wasn't hinting for you to. Come here." Rory patted the bed, gesturing for Jess to come sit down.

"That's Luke's bed."

"Really? I thought…" Rory blushed.

"We probably want to change our location. Being on Luke's bed isn't really a turn on, no matter how little you're wearing. By the way, aren't you cold?"

Rory stood up and moved over to Jess' real bed.

"These underwear are thermal."

"Your mom could come up here at any moment."

"We have a code. She knows to stay away."

Jess groaned, then broke into a smile and went over to the bed and started to kiss Rory.

"This was a nice surprise," Jess uttered between kisses.

"I try. Hey, this could be our song."

"Have you heard the lyrics?"

"Lyrics don't matter. It's all about the beat."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that."

Jess proceeded to continue his assault on Rory's neck, so she wrapped her arms around his and played with the tips of his hair.

"Maybe you should put a sock on the door, for Luke's sake." Rory realized being almost naked in Luke's apartment might constitute as being a little weird. And really uncomfortable if he ran up here looking for…his ladle.

"He doesn't like socks on doors."

"Okay." And with that last utterance, Jess silenced Rory with a sloppy, silly kiss. Together, they went tumbling down on the bed, this time, with no giggles.

**

* * *

**

Lorelai shook her head, "She's playing Let it Die."

"Is that some code I'm supposed to understand?"

"I'll explain it to you later, after you've been to Gilmore Camp."

**

* * *

**

It was about thirty minutes later.

Jess rolled off of Rory, and pulled the covers up around her, to keep her warm in her naked state.

"You had the song on repeat," Jess commented. It was the same song the entire time.

"It has a good rhythm."

Jess laughed and started kissing Rory's neck, again.

"Tonight was a good night. It's definitely going on my blog."

Jess pulled away, "Remind me to never google my name on the internet again."

"Oh don't worry. You have a code name," Rory patted his head, and then whispered in his ear, "Stallion Boy."

"Oh man."

"Oh yes," And with that, Rory pushed Jess back down on the bed and situated herself on top of him, "I love cake."

"Yeah, yeah, and I love you."

Rory giggled and kissed Jess on the nose.

* * *

**Ending author's note: **So, the ghost theory. I'm sure you are all on the edge of your seats wondering what that is (pretend you are to make me happy). Well a few years back I came up with a story to explain a pregnancy to my parents (this was all hypothetical. I still wear my chastity belt proudly). It goes a little something like this: "Mom, dad, I wasn't sexually active, a ghost raped me! (cue Mom and Dad rolling their eyes) It's true! I'm still virginal and holy! A ghost came in my room and did its thing without me knowing. And now I'm carrying James Dean's ghost baby." Yeah, the James Dean part was a pipe dream but the rest was my mind working its awesomeness.

**Reviewers: **I'll marry you all one day and we'll live in one big house in Canada.


	7. I'm in Love with Dr House

**Episode 7: **I'm in Love with Dr. House

**Author's Note: **I'll admit this chapter is on the long side. Hopefully because I crammed a lot of goodness into it. When you write while on a major caffeine high, you get all these insane ideas and don't want to abort the fun train. So I rode the fun train for a bit longer than I normally would. Besides, it's all dialogue. It reads awesomely.

**Disclaimer: **There won't be a House/Gilmore Girls crossover, unfortunately. Something about Gilmore Girls getting canceled. Who knew? Did you know? Why didn't anyone tell me?

**By the way:** I love writing Emily Gilmore as the lovable villain. I want to have her wear a black cape and swoop in on the girls all the time and just be bitchy. It's hard to force myself not to do that.

* * *

"Ah, what is that noise?"

Rory glanced around, looking for something that would be causing Lorelai's pain. "The toaster?"

"Yes. Stop it. It's never made that noise before."

"I can't hear anything."

"It sounds like a whale screaming."

"How do you know what a whale screaming sounds like?"

"12 years old. Crazy deep sea fishing trip." Lorelai covered her ears and leaned against the fridge, "Ah, make the talking toaster stop."

"What is wrong with you?"

"Either my head is about to explode from thinking or I'm hung over."

"All you had was half a cup of Listerine."

"A cup, actually. Mixed with a Heineken."

"That sounds horrible."

"It was. And now I'm paying the price. Damn those Germans and dentists. Oh god, what is that sound?"

"Not again."

"Is the coffee pot giving the twenty-one gun salute?"

"Maybe you should go lye down."

"I can't walk. If I move, I'll pass out."

"How did you get dressed and downstairs?"

"I'm not sure. I can't remember. I just ended up here. I'm thinking about moving into this very spot."

"I think today would be one of those days to call in sick to work."

"I have to go so I can kill Sookie. Pick me up."

"What?"

"If you carry me, it'll be safer for everyone."

"Take the scooter."

"I can't get an SUI!"

"Seriously?"

"I already have a BUI and RBUI."

Rory walked over to Lorelai and tried to pick her up.

"You're too heavy."

"Get the wheelbarrow."

"Can't you just walk?"

"I'll fall in a pothole and never get out."

Rory opened the back door, muttered to herself "I can't believe I'm doing this" and came back inside with the wheelbarrow.

"This is madness."

"Shh…you're voice hasn't gotten any deeper since last time."

**

* * *

**Luke couldn't believe what he was seeing outside the diner, "Is that Lorelai?" 

Jess was equally shocked, "In a wheelbarrow?"

"Why is Rory pushing her?"

Lorelai tipped over, falling out into the road.

"Oh, Lorelai must be side heavy."

"That is going to leave a road mark."

Rory helped lift her off the ground, sending her mother death glares the entire time, and Lorelai got back into the wheelbarrow.

"Oh, she's up. Good. We were so close to having to scrap her up with a shovel like they do with road kill."

Rory got a running start and pushed the wheelbarrow down the road. She had to be going over 25 miles per hour. It was Rory; then it was dust.

"Wow, look at Rory go."

"I didn't know she could move that fast."

"And now they're out of sight. Guess its back to serving." Luke shrugged and went back to pouring coffees. The daily Lorelai show was done with.

Jess looked back down at his book, paused, then looked back at Luke, "We didn't really question why she was in a wheelbarrow."

"Nothing shocks me anymore. Did you hear about the rollerblading/fruit punch incident last Christmas?"

"Rory mentioned lots of blood shed."

"She went straight into the naivety scene. They still haven't found baby Jesus' head."

"That probably puts you on God's shit list for at least a year. No Christmas card for Lorelai Gilmore postmarked from the eternal light."

"You're in touch with God now?"

"We all have to find the light at some point."

Luke rolled his eyes. "Not another Kirk Cameron."

Jess started laughing, "Growing Pains Kirk Cameron?"

"I enjoy situational comedy."

**

* * *

**"Sookie, you chased him with squash." 

"Butternut squash!" Sookie stuck her finger in the sauce, "Wow that is hot. Who let this boil? I told you all under no circumstance could this boil!" Sookie looked around the room, her kitchen staff all avoiding eye contact, "Fine you continue your mediocre dicing, slicing, whipping and filleting, but be warned, I'm watching you all. My eyes. On you."

Lorelai took a sip of her coffee, "Okay, maybe I'm hung over but this coffee is strong. I think it just took a layer off of my tongue. How much coffee did you use?"

"The other day you told me I was making it too weak. Now it's too strong. I can't do anything right." Sookie started to weep.

"Oh Sookie, don't cry."

Sookie pointed to the onions she was sautéing, "It's not you. It's the onions."

"That should go on a Hallmark card." Lorelai took another sip of the painfully strong coffee, "So, I heard you have a new best friend?"

"It was just strawberries! Jackson's crop wasn't too good this year. Please don't tell him."

"No, not that. I could care less where you get your berries. I'm talking about my mother."

"We talked briefly."

"You told her Rory's wedding date!"

"I assumed she knew!"

"You know we tell my mother things the last moment possible, and then hide in the storm shelter for the impending tornado."

Sookie looked away, "Sorry. Stupid, stupid Sookie."

"You've got to stop talking in third person."

Michel entered, "Lorelai, it's the phone for you. I don't know why I still bring you the phone. Its way above my pay grade and I've told you this plenty of times, yet I still do it. Something is wrong with me. You've done something to me. I actually smile at children now. It's horrible."

"Can't you take a message?"

"Yes…no! I can not! I am not a messenger boy! I do not wear a fanny pack and run around simply taking messages. I'm not using my sticky notes for a personal call."

"Well who is it?"

"Your daughter."

"Which one?"

"The annoying one."

"Ah, my favorite." Lorelai took the phone, "Hey babe, miss me already?"

"Grandma's in Stars Hollow again."

"What?"

"That black car that was following us, it's her! She's been watching us."

"No way. Are you sure it's her?"

"Yes. I saw her talking to Taylor!"

"Oh my god. The whole town is conspiring with my mother against you!"

"Is she that powerful?"

"She sleeps in a bed made of money. All she has to do is pull a wad out from under the mattress, get on her broomstick, fly down here and make things happen. She speaks, people listen."

"We have to stop her! This is my town. My life! She is not supposed to come into this zone unless we approve it."

"Rant, babe. Rant away."

"What if she is trying to have Jess killed?"

"By talking to Taylor? He wears cardigans and talks to peaches. Not exactly the hit man type."

"What if he knows someone?"

"In the produce business? Highly unlikely, unless pumpkin Pete wasn't making enough off the patch."

"Oh my god, she is going to get Taylor to somehow get the town to make it so I can't buy a home!"

"Aw, did your slutty ways work?"

"We don't have time to talk about me whoring myself for a house! Later! Now think, what are we going to do about this?"

"Bury my mother alive?"

"We'll go to jail."

"Have Sookie stuff her and bake her?"

"She wouldn't fit in the oven."

"Well then we'll just have to scare her."

"With what?"

"Great-grandchildren."

"How so?"

"She continues, we get you fixed. Or you have children that aren't subject to the American legal system."

"That will work?"

"No matter how much like Hitler she may seem, deep down inside every woman is the need for another grandchild. Wave that in front of them, and it's like a crisp 20 dollar bill in front of a prostitute. They can't say no."

"So we have to arrange a meeting?"

"Don't worry; I'll secure a gun in the bathroom. Just come out a blazing if things get dicey, like if grandma gives you the name of her florist."

Rory sighed, "I can't wait until this wedding has come and gone."

"That's the spirit! Get it over with! Move on! Do it in Vegas with Elvis right now! No time like the present."

"I'm gonna click."

"Slutty details later?"

"At Weston's?"

"The sacred Gilmore talk. We'll do it up with rum balls and cupcakes."

"Maybe a sugar high will calm me down."

"Or make you buy a stick on tattoo and drink Smirnoff."

"Either is fine with me. Later"

Lorelai put down the phone and noticed the scene in front of her; Sookie was comforting poor eyebrow less Eduardo.

"Eduardo, don't worry, the eyebrows will grow back. Flambé is a hit or miss. Sometimes you sacrifice your body for it," Sookie said.

"I can pencil them on for you, Eddy!" Lorelai was trying to be helpful; really.

"Not right now Lorelai. He's still grieving the loss."

"I'm just going to go stare at my eyebrows for awhile in the mirror and be thankful for them."

"We should all worship our eyebrows at least two hours a day. I should know! Remember when I scorched mine off? They never grew back right. Always uneven. And I looked like a cancer patient for a month."

Lorelai looked a bit uneasy, "Right. I'm just going to go. Out there."

"Say too much again?"

"Maybe. I don't know. It could have been me this time."

"No it was definitely me. You're having a Listerine hangover and I'm trying to be a gab girl over here," Sookie hit herself on the head, "Ow."

"Oh sweetie, don't do that. I just need to get out of the kitchen. Sharp objects. Pointing ends. I might stab someone. Or myself," Lorelai said with a half smile.

"Got it! I'll be in here if you need me!"

"Don't lock yourself in the freezer today."

"They installed a panic button. We won't have to call the fire department again."

"Good. Although, the sirens are cool."

"They make me want to set myself on fire."

"Sookie."

"Kidding. Go; drink coffee. Get unhungover."

**

* * *

**Lorelai stuffed her face with her third cupcake, then decided it was time to tell Rory about her great revelation. "While I was doodling, I was thinking about why I would never get married and I figured it out." 

"Do tell, comic book geek."

"I'm in love with Dr. House."

"Oh boy."

"No, take me seriously."

"It's hard to do when you are talking about being in love with a fictional character."

"He's perfect. Whenever I get sick, he won't touch me, which you know I hate. He'll just get his team together, they'll run crazy ass test on me and then boom, I'll be magically cured right before I die. And he can always get me the best drugs."

"He's an asshole."

"A lovable asshole. Big difference," Lorelai stared off into space with a smile, "He's like my McDreamy, minus the overly moussed hair and the weird obsession with fairy boats and underfed girls."

Rory sighed, "I know this is a crazy idea, but have you ever thought about loving someone real?"

"I've tried that. Doesn't work out so well. Always ends in me losing a U2 cd. House would never steal my U2 cd."

"How about we change the subject to real people?"

"I called Grandma."

"She's more of a witch, but at least she exists. Continue."

"Well I called four times. I figured she was screening her calls and if I continued to call she'd have to answer, thinking I was choking on an apple and decided to desperately dial her instead of getting help. But she never answered."

"Bummer."

"But I did leave four colorful, various messages. In the last one I asked if we could arrange a meeting."

"You said arrange a meeting?"

"Yes."

"That's so Godfather."

"This is a very Godfather situation. I give her an hour tops before she calls back saying it would be wonderful to have us over and that she had been meaning to set up a dinner, it had just slipped her mind."

"Between the sabotaging my wedding and planning my new, improved, Emily Gilmore approved wedding in her head."

Lorelai smiled. "This is my proudest moment. You now see the ways of my mother. I couldn't be happier."

Rory popped another rum ball in her mouth and smiled at her mom. Her mom had molded her into her clone. It wasn't the worst clone in the world to be.

"So tell me about you and Jess' sexy time." Lorelai winked at Rory.

"I am so not giving you details."

"I don't want in depth 'how many times did you do it' and what positions you used details. Like if you used reverse cow girl, never tell me. I just want to know if you worked your girl powers to get what you wanted."

"I never thought I'd be the kind of girl to use sex as a bargaining chip. It seems so…"

"Like me? Well you are slowly becoming me. In a week you'll be telling people you once dated Sandra Day O'Connor."

"You really tell people that?"

"It was an example. But continue with slutty time."

"I thought Luke's bed was Jess'."

"That is not sexy at all."

"I know. Jess had to correct me. Imagine if he didn't."

"You'd smell like flannel and anger."

"I would never be able to go to Luke's again."

"You'd turn purple whenever you saw him and run into a tree trying to avoid him."

"See, I'd lose my ability to navigate my way around trees. That mistake would have cost me all my motor skills and common sense. But I've got to say, I don't miss the awkwardness of a twin bed. They are so small."

"Never say that to a hippie. They perfected sleeping bag sex."

"But they were always high. It probably felt like a big, fluffy sex bed."

"Ha, Luke has a sex bed in his apartment."

Rory rolled her eyes at her mother's immaturity, "Anyways, I forgot to bring up the house topic to Jess."

"You didn't do anything funky, right?"

"Nope, plain vanilla."

"Good. Always save the funky stuff for when you want something. Like a diamond to replace the candy."

"He owes me a Paris Hilton size ring."

"I'm sure Jess has two million dollars sitting around to spend on you."

"He is a magician. You never know. He pulls crazy things out of crazy places."

Lorelai grimaced, "I'm really trying hard not to think about that. Crazy places. Jess pulling. Make the thoughts stop."

"Gross, mom! I'm eating here!"

"So am I!"

"Well, I wasn't talking about those orifices."

"I bet Dr. House would like examining my orifices."

"Pretend you have an STD, go to the doctor and maybe a Dr. House look-alike will swab your crotch."

"I think I'm ready to be wheel barrowed home. This sugar meeting has made you mean."

"Wheel barrowed? It's been hours. All the Listerine is gone."

Lorelai put her hand to her forehead and sighed, "Mommy still feels a bit wobbly. I think someone spiked the Listerine."

"If I just leave you here, someone will bring you home at some point. You'll get rowdy and demand more rum balls. Then you'll start singing that stupid pirate song."

Lorelai shivered. "It's so cold."

"It's June!"

"You know I get cold easily. I wear flannel pajamas. Brrr. I think I see a polar bear. Oh, look, snow!"

Rory sighed, "Can you make it to Luke's?"

Lorelai frowned, "Why?"

"I parked the wheel barrow there."

Lorelai perked up, "I think my legs can make it there. If not, I can levitate the wheelbarrow with my super powers."

"You need a man servant."

"Oh sweetie, I don't need a servant, I have you. That's the only reason people have kids. When you were little, I worked you like Cinderella. Sometimes I even made you sleep outside so you wouldn't start thinking life was good."

"I remember those times. The crickets were always so chatty."

"You really need to cut back on those crazy pills."

"You really need to stop fantasizing about Dr. House."

"Never gonna happen. I can't give up on my one piece of thick, juicy man meat."

**

* * *

**Rory was upset. It was Friday and they were standing in front of the Gilmore mansion. "I can't believe you agreed to reinstate Friday night dinners." 

"I did no such thing."

"It's Friday night."

"Yeah."

"And we're having dinner."

"Yeah."

"With Grandma and Grandpa."

"Okay, on technicality it appears this is a Friday Night Dinner, but it just worked out this way."

"And we don't have the upper hand here. There is no escape car or driver or gun taped behind a toilet."

"You've lost weight."

"Not working."

"And you're hair. It's so shiny. And flippy. Have I mentioned how flippy your hair is?"

"You sound like you're trying to score."

"Hey, not cool. Implied incest makes me itchy."

"You're complimenting my non-existent flip."

"And you're shine! It's hard to get good shine."

"Just admit it, Emily won yet again."

"No! I will not admit defeat."

"This isn't even neutral territory. She has the upper hand. She knows where the trapped doors are. The house is big. They'll never find our bodies." Rory's face had turned a ghost white and she began to pace on the front step.

"I don't think Grandma was planning on a murder to go along with the first course tonight. Maybe with the cheese plate but by then, I'm sure someone will be in tears so the hidden knives will be forgotten about."

"You're not helping."

"Why are you so freaked out? Seriously, you need to stop pacing and breathe. Just release all the negative energy."

"Oh my god, shut up."

"You are buzzing at a very low frequency."

"Why hasn't she answered the door yet? Why do we always get to stand out here and dread dinner?"

"It's her way to psych us out. Some people attack you as soon as you enter the driveway; Emily lets you think about how bad it's going to be."

Emily opened the door.

"Girls, girls, please come in."

Lorelai pounced on her with questions, "Why do you always answer the door now? Don't you pay people to do that?"

"Would you like me to close the door, go away, let you ring the doorbell and have someone new answer the door for you? Would that make you happy?"

"No Grandma, we're fine."

The Girls followed Emily inside the house.

"Throw those coffee cups away."

Lorelai looked around, not seeing a trash can. "Where? Did you want us to litter? You really hate Al Gore, don't you?"

"You know how I feel about those silly, Styrofoam cups. Why do you insist on bringing them inside?"

"We like coffee, okay! Do you hate coffee too and want to stalk it around and drive it so crazy that it washes its hands over and over thinking about how sad it will be when its groom dumps it for a girl with tan, stupid boobs? It likes its pale boobs and so does Jess, so back off the coffee cups!"

"I think Rory just needs a drink. And maybe a sedative."

"Is she ill? Does she need to go upstairs and lye down? Dinner won't be ready for a bit."

"Let's just get that drink."

The Girls followed Emily into the living room and took a seat, waiting for their drinks.

Lorelai turned to Rory and whispered, "Have something you want to tell me about?"

Rory stared straight ahead, not so much as blinking, "Nope."

"I'm sure Jess won't dump you over your boob color. And he's from the east; he's used to the giant white ones that never see bikini season."

"Thanks, mom."

"Not that yours are giant. They're more of an in-between. Like cupcakes compared to cake. Not tiny but not cake like."

"I just had one of those weird out of body experiences. I watched Blue Crush last night and those girls were tan; then I had a nightmare about Jess gluing me to surf board and leaving me for Kate Bosworth."

"She was with a hobbit. No one wants those sloppy seconds. You have nothing to worry about."

"At least this time it wasn't a rage black out."

"You attacking mom would have been so awesome. You're pretty strong. She wouldn't have stood a chance."

Emily walked over with the drinks, smiling her fake, I love you so much I will suffocate you with my love, smile.

"So Girls, what have you been up to lately?"

"Rory pushed me around in a wheelbarrow."

"The town had a meeting concerning my future with Jess."

"You know, the normal stuff. Can I get a refill mom? These glasses had to be made for smurf-like people."

"That's pretty rude, Lorelai."

"You're right. I'm sure that one whorey smurf put it away. She had to. One girl for all those boys. You couldn't be sober to take all that."

Rory and Emily both stayed quiet.

"Wow, awkward. I'll make a note that my smurf material bombed. So, where's Dad?"

"Around here somewhere. I told him you and Rory were joining us for dinner and what does he do? Disappear."

Rory whispered, "He feared the wrath of Emily Gilmore."

"What was that Rory?"

"Oh nothing. When are we eating? I'm starving."

"You can see food sit in her stomach after she eats it. We're trying to plump her up before the wedding. Boys like them curvy, right mom?"

"I wouldn't know," Emily sighed, "Dinner should be ready now. I'll go check." Emily got up to walk into the kitchen, but turned around "By the way girls, we have a special guest tonight." Emily smiled, and turned back to leave.

Before the girls could ask any questions, she was out of the room headed toward the kitchen. And you couldn't yell in Emily's house. It was against the rules.

"Did you see how she smiled when she brought up that special guest? It's got to be one of her people. Oh god, it's Logan."

"That's too obvious. Think bigger. Who would she bring here, on this night, of all nights, to eat with us?"

"Please not another priests, reverend or spiritual advisor about my virginity," Rory sighed.

"Unless she heard from someone that you had a born again virgin ceremony, I would hope her memory isn't that bad. She paid for your sexcapades for almost six months."

Rory gasped, "Dad."

"No way. She wouldn't."

"It's classic Emily. She'll bring dad here, having no clue what's going on, drop the magical 'Your daughter is engaged to an ex con' bomb and watch hysteria unfold."

Lorelai slapped herself on the forehead, "I can't believe I didn't see this coming. She's got us. We can't get out of this."

"Let me punch you."

"What?"

"If I knock you unconscious, she'll think I've lost it and have to let us leave. Besides, you're a bleeder."

"She'll just make me wear meat on my face the entire night. I don't want meat face tomorrow morning."

"Not if I get a good punch in. If you're out cold, you have to go the hospital. They'll call the ambulance. They'll be sirens and stretchers and paramedics. Maybe even Dr. House!"

"He is not real. He only exists in my dreams. Last night I had his crazy dream where an octopus was strangling me. He jumped in the water and saved me. It was very Baywatch. I so love him."

"Come on mom, bleed for me!"

"I can't. I'll be bruised for a week. This will work out. We just have to do whatever Paris Hilton would do."

"She'd get drunk and drive into the house."

"That'll be plan B. Plan A involves being one step ahead of her at all times."

"We have to out think Emily Gilmore."

"So if you were Emily Gilmore, what would be your next move?"

"Lots of guilt, followed by the unveiling of Dad, followed by the accidental slip up at dinner that Rory is engaged, followed by cackling and serving poisonous apples."

"So we need to get rid of all the apples in the house."

"And throw them at her."

"Like monkeys at the zoo."

"This plan is full proof."

"No one is shooting holes in this one."

"Except Grandma, when she looks at us and I freak and start yelling about my feet being self conscious."

"Then we abort the mission and you punch me."

"As long as we have a double secret special back up plan."

**

* * *

**It was quiet around the dinner table. Too quiet. Lorelai knew it was almost time for the "special guest" to arrive. And with that thought, she lost her nerve. 

Lorelai stood up, "Rory has to go to the bathroom!"

"I do?"

"Lorelai, sit down. I just served the veal. If she goes to the bathroom, it will be cold and then it will be ruined."

"She hates veal!" Lorelai blurted out.

"I do?"

"Seriously Lorelai, you are out of control. Sit down."

Lorelai picked up her plate and threw it against the wall.

Crash!

"That was an antique! What is going on? I will not tolerate this juvenile behavior."

Lorelai winked, awkwardly at Rory, their secret sign for the secret backup plan that Rory didn't know had gone into effect.

"Grandma, I have to go to the bathroom. And I need mom to go with me."

"She is throwing plates! She will not leave this room until she explains to me why she is throwing plates! And can't you go by yourself? You are a grown woman."

"She has a phobia of toilets. Too much falling in and butt washing. It's really unpleasant."

"I need her there to make sure I don't fall in."

"All my seats are kept down at all times."

"I don't like surprises."

"Or a wet hiney."

Lorelai and Rory started heading toward the bathroom but were stopped by Emily's thunderous roar.

"Girls, sit down this instant! What is going on? Tell me right now."

"Mom, if you don't let her go to the bathroom, there will be a puddle."

"She is only 24. Her bladder is not that weak."

"My body is wearing down."

"Her knees crack whenever she squats."

"I'm not the young vibrant woman I used to be."

"She can only drink three cups of coffee or her heart does funny things. Like beating. Funny."

"One glass of wine and I am hanging upside down off the ceiling fan singing Captain and Tennille songs."

"We try to keep her away from the booze."

Emily exploded with rage, "Shut up you two! I know something is going on and I want to know what. I'll give you ten seconds or I'll…exile you from this house!"

"That's like shunning, only the doors would be locked."

"We couldn't come in the house?"

"What if I left my coat?"

"It's summer, Lorelai. For god sake's, just tell me what is going on!"

"Rory has to tinkle."

"Fine, go to the bathroom. But I'll be watching the clock."

"I can't go when I know you're waiting for me."

"She gets nervous and can't perform."

"Rory, you are too sensitive. Honestly, I've never seen anyone as babied as you."

* * *

Lorelai dragged Rory into the bathroom.

"Watch the arm. Last I checked, it was still attached."

Lorelai turned and locked the door.

"Afraid she might try to come in and watch?"

"We have to escape."

"What?"

"I can't handle seeing Christopher right now. We should tell him on our terms. If we disappear, she'll have to play it off as just drinks and no Rory is engaged to boy news."

"Because it being a girl would go over so much better."

"Lesbians are very in right now."

"The older you get, the more you mimic Grandma."

"I'll be wearing pearls and hiring maids to fire them starting tomorrow."

"Grandma and dad having drinks sounds very The Graduate. Should we put him through that?"

"You care too much. So what if my mom pulls a Mrs. Robinson? Doofus deserves the Joker."

"Huh?"

"You're dad is doofus because well, it should be self explanatory. And mom looks a bit like Jack Nicholson as the Joker."

"That means in twenty years, you'll be the Joker. And then I'll be the Joker."

"No way! It can't work that way. I'm too pretty."

"The vain are always made ugly. It's a Revenge of the Fugly thing."

"Jess is not going to want to hit that."

"Grandpa probably doesn't hit that."

"Oh my god, stop. How did we get on the subject of my dad hitting _that_?"

"You started it!"

"You continued it!"

Emily banged on the bathroom door. "Rory, Lorelai, get out of the bathroom. We have company."

Lorelai made gagging noises, then turned on the water. "In a minute. Rory had to get rid of her food. Skinny girls are hardcore."

"Rory is bulimic?"

"Since birth."

"And you approve?"

"Nobody likes a fat girl."

"But just earlier you wanted her to gain weight."

"We'll get her a boob job. Those always do the trick."

"Bulimia is a disease, Lorelai."

"I'm not bulimic!" Rory yelled.

"Girls with eating disorders are notorious liars. Don't believe a word she says."

"We'll be out in a minute. Mom has her head stuck in the toilet."

Lorelai changed to a whisper. "If I have toilet face, we'll definitely get to leave! Awesome, Rory!"

"We have to go out there."

"No."

"And face them."

"Why?"

"Because…because…Rosa Parks sat at the front of the bus."

"Okay?" Lorelai said, confused.

"I don't know. Normally that motivates people."

"We're not black."

"But we are oppressed."

* * *

Emily Gilmore was getting way too much pleasure out of watching the girls squirm around Christopher.

The veal had long been forgotten about and replaced with martinis.

She was certain Lorelai was one martini away from announcing she was becoming a ballroom dancer.

And the more Rory drank the quieter she became.

The one difference between Rory and Lorelai was evident at this point: how they handled their liquor.

And Christopher, well he looked goofy, like he always did. He was such a disappointment. He always reminded her of Dopey from Snow White.

Lorelai gulped down her martini that had only taken residence in her glass for a mere 30 seconds. Emily smiled, "Another martini, Lorelai?"

"I think I should…What was I saying? I can't remember."

"I asked you if you wanted another martini."

"Oh yes! No. I should probably switch to Shirley Temples. I do have to drive, you know."

"I can't be her desig…desig…," Rory tried to get the words out

"Designated driver, Ror."

Emily smiled, "Christopher, you pronounced a word Rory couldn't. I bet you feel like a genius now, don't you? Finally, you're intelligence level surpasses hers when she is inebriated. That makes sense."

"Excuse me?"

"Oh nothing. More drinks everyone?"

"Chris is a human dictionary! I'm a human boat. I can float on water quite well."

"Fascinating, Lorelai."

"I'm a great dancer too! I think we should dance? Who wants to dance? Let's dance! Get jiggy with it."

"I hate Will Smith."

Lorelai punched Rory in the arm, "You're no fun when you're drunk."

"I'm going through one of my dark periods. Let me brood in peace. God! The lights in here are so bright. Aren't they bright dad?"

"Um, well…"

"Come on, Christopher, answer your daughter. She asked you a simple question. You do know how to think for yourself, don't you?"

"Back off, mom. You're so crabby," then Lorelai started giggling, "My mom has crabs. She got crabs. My mom got crabs from the coast, oh what fun; I bet she loves toast and roast. Wow a lot of words rhyme with coast."

"My head hurts. I wanna go home."

"Mom, I think we need to leave. Rory is about to pass out over here."

"I am not! I just don't like them staring at me. Everyone is staring at me and my gawky, red, stupid engagement ring."

Chris choked on his drink, "You're what? Did she just say engagement ring? What's going on?"

"Oh Christopher, they hadn't told you? I thought you knew."

"You knew Chris didn't know but you refused to let Rory handle this. You had to put your big, grabby, stupid hands in the middle of this," Lorelai paused from laughing, yet again, "My mom has grabby hands that like to grab every man in the land."

Rory groaned and started rubbing her head, "Yes, I'm engaged to a boy. A boy named Jess. Happy now? His name is Jess and he is a boy and everyone hates him."

Lorelai whispered, "Rory likes him."

"How long have they been engaged?"

Emily jumped in to answer this question. "Just a little over a month. Almost two months now probably. Time flies."

"Two months? Two months? Why hadn't either of you told me? She's my daughter!"

"She's my daughter more!"

"She's our daughter equally."

"That is how biology works," Emily added

"She shares our DNA." Chris was trying to appear level headed.

"She has my eyes!"

"Let me guess what's coming next? You raised her."

"Yes! I raised her! I made sure she had everything she ever needed. I was there for her always. You were there for her maybe."

"If you would have asked, you know I would have been there for the both of you. But you never asked!"

"Sorry if I didn't jump at Mr. Arrested Development here helping me raise a kid. You still act 16 and you're 40!"

"I act 16? You're the one throwing the hissy fit over here and ranting about how she has your eyes, so she's obviously more your daughter, making you more privy to big changes in her life."

"She shares my love for coffee, and we get each others jokes and we enjoy sitting around watching movies and eating red vines until we throw up. You've never done that with her. Our relationship is just…different."

Chris rolled his eyes, "You've obviously passed on your enjoyment of shutting me out of the Gilmore world to her."

Rory finally spoke up, "Not true! The timing just hadn't been right, dad. Leave mom out of this. This is all on me. I've just been….I've been…god I can't keep one thought going without another coming in. It's so frustrating. Pink elephants!"

"What?"

"What about pink elephants?"

"I'm not having pink elephants at my wedding!"

"No one said you were."

"I bet grandma loves importing pink elephants from Africa. No pink elephants, no flying donkeys. Maybe a unicorn. No mushroom people! No cabbage patch kids."

Lorelai was worried now. "Rory, honey, breathe."

"Can I meet this boy you're engaged to or is he off limits too?"

"We keep him in a glass cage and feed him twice a day. No one sees him until the big day. Then back in the glass he goes. He's a collectible item."

"Rory, answer your father seriously since it seems to be something your mother is incapable of."

"Hey mom. How about you go in the kitchen and find me a frying pan?"

"Why do you need a frying pan?"

"I just feel like any moment now I'm going to need to knock an old, nosey, Chanel wearing person unconscious."

"He lives in Philadelphia!"

"Okay. Is Philadelphia shut down?"

Rory put her face in her hands, "I don't know. I don't know anything."

"Maybe you're too young. I know you might think you're ready for marriage since you're friend was married a ways back and all, but you're different. You're mom isn't married. There is no rush. Next week you might not even like this guy. You might look at Johnny Deep and say hey, that's a possibility."

"Pirates are dirty. They go port to port. Rory is fresh fish."

"I love him, dad. I L O V E him. Not Johnny. Him."

Chris breathed a heavy sigh, looked down, then back at Rory, "Okay. So this Jess. Have how long have you known him?"

Rory counted off on her hands, then became frustrated with her lack of math skills, "Is it 8 years or 9? Or 10? Help me out here mom. I can't do math."

"Okay so you met when you were….how old were you? Like 12?"

"No. Much older. I'd gone through puberty."

"That's right. He wouldn't have even talked to you pre puberty."

"Was I 16?"

"Maybe. Let me think. What hairstyle was I sporting that year?"

"It most likely contained that combination of not washing and split ends. Oh wait, that's every year's hairstyle."

"I'm glad not only I disappoint you, but so does my hairstyle, mother."

Rory half yelled, "You're such a bitch sometimes, grandma!"

"Rory!"

"I'm sorry but you bring me here under false pretenses, get me and mom drunk and then tell dad all about my engagement. That's not cool! And stop making fun of mom's hair. So what if it's ugly? Would you rather her be bald? Cause she's thought about that. Won't be getting anymore grandkids if she's bald, I can tell you that."

Lorelai stood up, pulling Rory up with her, "I think we should be leaving. Or walking. Cause I can't drive. I think I might just go outside and sleep in the middle of the road. You can call us later, Chris."

"But…"

"If you continue to ask about Jess, she'll end up telling you he is a male prostitute and have you confronting some sex machine in San Francisco who will end up propositioning you. And I am one martini away from going all David Beckham on your face. That means your face is a soccer ball and I am David Beckham, just in case you didn't get that one."

"My head feels so big."

"That's called a martini, babe."

"I don't know if I can make it outside."

"There's fresh air out there."

Chris yelled to the girls, "I can give you a ride!"

"I'd rather be eaten alive by a wild jackal."

"Rory, that was mean."

"God, I'm such a bitch."

"You and grandma should share bitch tips."

* * *

"Oh look, outside. How safe and alcohol free it appears to be."

Rory was stumbling around. The martinis weren't friendly tonight. "I think I'm going to lie down."

"On the ground?"

"It's either that or you carry me home."

"That's a long walk. And I'm in heels. I'd definitely have to hitchhike, which would lead to some crazy incident involving a pig truck and lots of pigs getting to third base."

"Right. I'm lying down."

"I think I'll join you."

Both Rory and Lorelai lied down on the ground.

"I feel like bugs are eating me."

"They are all over me. I can't get them off."

"Maybe we should pick them off each other."

"Like monkeys? No thanks."

"Oh look, it's a shooting star."

"Rory that was a car's headlights."

"Really? Damn. I made a wish."

"What did you wish for?"

"I wished I was the number one drunk driver in Connecticut."

"What?"

"I wished I drove better drunk."

"Oh, I do. It's a fact. You have no fear of dying so you don't use the brakes. I always get home way faster."

"What would you have wished for?"

"If it wasn't a car's headlights, I would have wished for apple pie. And lip gloss."

"Seriously?"

"I'm hungry. And my lips are dry. I'm not a pretty drunk."

"I think I'm going to sleep."

"On the ground? Rory! No, don't do it! We're still in front of the Gilmore house of horrors. Please don't go to sleep."

"We've been exiled. She's not going to drag us back inside."

"How are we going to get home?"

"I'll figure something out in the morning."

"I can't sleep here. Bugs are inside of my brain. They came in through my ears."

"Think about heaven."

"We're dying?"

"We're all dying."

"God, you're such a depressed dead head when you're drunk."

"Okay, think about hell."

"Because we are all sinners?"

"Nah, it's just really hot. When you think about hot things, you go to sleep."

"Brad Pitt has me snoring like a 300 pounder."

"Then think about Fight Club."

"Thinking about Fight Club. Thinking about crazy Edward Norton. Thinking about Brad Pitt with no shirt. Thinking about having two personalities. Thinking about hugging a guy with bitch tits. Thinking about how comfortable that might be. Thinking about fighting Brad Pitt. Thinking about him on top of me. Thinking about Lorelai's smirking revenge. Thinking…."

Rory opened her eyes, "It's hard to sleep when you are narrating your thinking."

"It's too quiet out here. Where are the crazy men who live in the woods that normally come out at night and terrorize people with raccoons and moonshine?"

"Probably stuck in your fantasy land, drunk off moonshine."

"You are so good at explaining my dreams."

"Go to sleep mom."

Lorelai gave up, "I am Lorelai's rage filled soul."

* * *

Morning. Bright morning light.

Rain. Hard, cold, rain.

Wait, they're outside. Open eyes. Get up.

But her mouth felt furry. And her mind was owned by martini's best friend, hang over.

But she forced herself to squint and saw that it wasn't rain; it was the sprinkler system.

That bitch!

She nudged Rory, "We're wet."

"Hmm."

Lorelai looked around and noticed something was missing. "Oh my god! The car is gone."

"Hmm."

"I'm serious. There is no car. Car be gone. Car came to life and disappeared."

"Emily."

Lorelai smiled, "So you aren't catatonic."

"Sentences waste time."

"If Jess heard you now, he'd be oh so very proud."

"Ha."

"How are we going to get out of here?" She pushed on Rory, "I need you to think! That's your job!"

Rory groaned and sat up, "What is your job?"

"To look pretty, which I'm failing at right now. But can you really hold that against me? I don't remember how many martinis I had and I don't have a brush. The natural look just doesn't work for me like it once did."

"Before the sagging started."

"And the push up wonder water electro hydro bra was bought."

"And all that age defying crap."

"Shh! Anyone could be listening."

"So what's the plan?"

"That's your job. You're The Thinker."

"How about we call a cab?"

"I don't have any money."

"I'm sure we could make an arrangement with the cabbie."

Lorelai thought for a second, then shook her head, "I'm not whoring myself to a cabbie."

"Pretend you are. It'll be a big illusion. Talk about how big his hands are and how lonely you are. Guys love that."

Lorelai ignored Rory, "Unless he's cute. If he's cute, I'll invite him in for….Chinese leftovers."

"You poison your men to get them in bed? That's very S&M of you."

"It's not that old."

"Only two weeks. The mold can be picked off easily, I'm sure."

"Well I can't bake him a pie. Do you have a better alternative?"

"How about not inviting a syph carrying cabbie into our house?"

"That's mean."

"It's morning."

"True. So we should probably be leaving before Emily has us arrested."

"I bet she is the reason the car is gone."

"Maybe she's just hiding it in the pool house."

"Should we go look?"

"I was kidding. My mother can't lift a car. She canceled her gym membership."

"Maybe dad helped her."

"Maybe he's still in there."

"And Grandma totally seduced him."

"And he totally fell for it."

The girls shuddered at the thought of Emily and Christopher. Together. In the house. Alone.

"You know there will be fifty messages from him and ten from mom when we get home."

"Good thing I'm going back to New York."

"Good thing I can give them your number. And Jess'. And your cell number, in case it's an emergency."

"You wouldn't!"

"You made me sleep on the ground in front of my parent's house, and now the sprinklers are on and I'm crabby. I want to go home and sleep in my bed. Not on the ground."

Rory put her hands in the air in mock surrender, "Okay, okay, I'm making the call."

"Thank you. I'm wearing white. And I'm wet. I think this might be Hartford's first wet t-shirt."

"The next door neighbor boy is definitely getting an eye full."

Lorelai turned around and a teenage boy gave her a wink and wave, then did the international signal for call me.

"Ew, he was checking me out."

"He wants to tap that."

"I'm a MILF."

"That's so hot."

"I feel violated. He violated me with his eyes."

"He has nice hair."

"On his head. Everywhere else is hairless. He is like Ken."

"And you are his dark headed Barbie. It's cute. I bet his has a big trust fund."

"You know men who flaunt their money are making up for a lack of other things," Lorelai wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"That's why I knew Jess was a keeper. He was poor."

Lorelai had grown impatient, "Oh my god, make the call already!"

"Keep your pants on."

"I'm never taking my pants off again. That kid is at full attention over there. Imagine what would happen if I took my pants off."

"He'd explode with love for you."

"Because of me, you have such a little sailor's mouth."

Rory threw her cell phone, "Crap!"

"What?"

"No freakin service."

Lorelai sighed, "Fine. I'll use my womanly ways to get us a car."

"Huh?"

"I'll take one for the team."

"Still not following."

"That kid over there, the one who is erect with love for me; he has to have a car. I'm sure daddy showers him with love that way. Anyways, I'll do what I have to do to get us his car."

Rory gasped, "That's illegal."

"No! I didn't mean I'd go that far. I'll just giggle, twirl my hair, let him look at my wet shirt. He'll be puddy in my old, milfy hands."

"What if he doesn't bite?"

Lorelai smiled, "That's why I have you for back up."

"No."

"Guys love the thought of a mother/daughter thing. If I bring you over there, he'll beg us to take the car."

"This is so dirty."

"Practice that."

"Practice what?"

"Saying I'm such a dirty girl. Or naughty girl. Whichever you think will make him dance with joy."

"You're a terrible mother."

"Fine. You go in the house and ask grandma to use the phone."

"Okay. I'm such a naughty girl."

"Nurse. Pretend you're a nurse. And I'm…I'm a stewardess. I'm a member of the mile high club. I like younger boys. I respect Mary Kay Laterno."

"I don't think he needs your life story," Rory gave Lorelai a little push, "Now go get um tiger."

Lorelai clawed at Rory, "Rawr, I'm a tigress. A beast. A…"

"Just go."

* * *

Lorelai strutted her way over to Johnny Boy, who was smirking uncontrollably at his goddess coming to see him. The ladies just couldn't resist Johnny Boy; even the old ones, with experience.

"Good morning, ma'am," That's right, he thought; play it off respectfully.

Lorelai giggled, "Oh don't call me ma'am. It makes me feel like I'm your mother."

"And we wouldn't want that."

Lorelai touched his arm, "You're funny. And cute. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Brad Pitt?"

"I get that all the time. What can I say; the ladies love me."

Lorelai smirked, "I bet they do. I bet you're just the little heartbreaker."

"I get around."

Lorelai turned toward Rory. Yeah she was breaking from the 'plan' but this was too much fun. She pointed, "You see that girl over there?"

He smiled, "Yeah."

"That's my daughter. She's a nurse."

"Are you a nurse too?" Please say yes, please say yes, for the love of god and cold showers say yes!

Lorelai blushed, "Nah. I'm just a stewardess."

Even better, "A stewardess and a nurse in the same family? I bet your husband is…proud."

"Oh I'm not married, silly boy," Lorelai lifted up her hand, "See, no ring."

"Would you like to come inside? You're daughter can come too. My parents are away this weekend and I have like the biggest DVD collection ever. And a Jacuzzi."

Tempting, but not on the agenda for today, "That's sweet, but I'm over here, cause you see, I'm in a bit of a pickle. I don't have a car."

"You slept outside all night?"

"Yeah. My mother lives in that house. She went nuts and chased us outside with kitchen shears. She nipped the maid. Horrible story, actually. But you see we were too drunk to drive; we Gilmore Girls like our liquor but don't handle it well, which makes us easy women," she laughed, knowing her plan was working, "so we laid down and fell asleep. And now, our car has vanished! So I was wondering if you could help us." Lorelai touched his arm again, hoping he was persuaded.

Johnny Boy gulped down, "Um...yeah…sure. In the garage. We have plenty," He fished around in his pocket, "Here are the keys to mine. Take it," Then he dangled the keys in the air, "If you promise to return it, yourself," he said with a suggestive wink.

"Oh don't worry. I'll be back. With my daughter; the nurse."

"Awesome. Here, take the car," then he paused, "Wait, one more thing!"

Lorelai sighed, "What?"

"A kiss. A kiss and I'll let you go."

Lorelai gulped. She couldn't kiss him. He couldn't be over 16. "A kiss? I haven't brushed my teeth and it's early and you're 16 which is so wrong and is Chris Hansen here?"

The boy laughed, "Wow, you talk a lot."

"I know. It's a thing. See, you don't want me to kiss you. I'm crazy…" Johnny Boy cut her off with a 16 year old, wet, sloppy kiss. She wondered if it was his first, then she remembered to pull away.

"I think I love you," he dumbly confessed.

"I think you're high," Lorelai wiped her mouth, "You need more practice," the kid smiled, then she realized what she had just said and backed away, "But not on me! On a girl. Your age. Or a blow up doll. Or your hand. Just fix your technique and call me when you are 30. I'll be the only GILF around."

She turned to Rory, who was laughing uncontrollably. Sigh. She kissed a 16 year old. She'd never live this down.

She yelled over, "Rory, we've got a ride. Get over here."

"Give me a second. I can't walk. I'm having one of those fits."

The boy leaned in, "Is she one of those special needs kids?"

"Nope. She's perfectly fine. She's only 23, you know. And she looks just like me."

"I only have eyes for you."

"I think I'm going to be sick."

"It has been fast. The butterflies are crazy."

"Rory, hurry! Mommy needs to get home and knit and watch the hair on her legs grow to a disgusting length and continue her life as a nun."

"I thought you said you were a stewardess."

"A stewardess nun. It's the closest I can get to God. Got to love the friendly skies."

The boy attempted a sexy growl, "God, that's so hot."

Rory sauntered over, taking her sweet time.

Lorelai was tired of waiting. She rushed up to Rory, grabbed her arm and dragged her toward the garage.

"How do you know he isn't some crazy guy who locks girls in his garage?"

"Please. He's lucky to know how to speak."

"That kiss was so hot."

"Shut up."

"He almost got to second base."

"I can't hear you."

"I think you made a real connection there with Johnny Boy."

"Oh look, here is the car. Let's get in."

The girls got in the car and Rory started playing with the radio.

"I bet he likes booty music."

"Hey naughty nurse, we're about to pass by him. I could always let you out."

"I could never take your man-boy. I'm not that bitchy."

They drove by the boy who was waving and smirking that disgusting, I want to come and get it, smirk of his.

"He is so going to spank the monkey after we get out of this driveway."

"I wish I was dead."

"Just think about it. In a few years, he'll be legal and then there will be nothing wrong with getting a piece of that."

Lorelai sighed, "You'll never let this go, will you?"

Rory shrugged, "I have my infamous sex house. You have your 16 year old gardener boy. I think we're finally even."

Lorelai quickly tried to change the subject, "Tacos?"

"Ah yes, the food we use to wash away all shame and guilt. Good thinking."

"I'm so happy you're finally going back to New York."

"Please. You'll be begging for me to take you with me once we get back to the house."

"Let me have my moment of hating you. You didn't rebel enough as a teenager, so I need moments like this to remind me why I will not be having another child."

"Not having a man is just a minor issue."

"I hope you get pregnant on your honeymoon," Lorelai paused, "I'm sorry. That was mean. No I don't. I don't want you pregnant. Little Jess' frighten me. I just need some coffee and tacos. Then I'll be back to normal, non pedophile me."

"Who knew whoring could be so stressful."

"Who knew Hartford boys were so freaky."

Lorelai sighed and drove. She drove far away from Hartford and Johnny Boy and exile. She drove home, where she was just a whore for hire and where coffee was waiting for her, not martinis.

**

* * *

****Ending Author's Note: **I know you are all disappointed there won't be an illegal romance between Johnny Boy and Lorelai. Sorry I wasn't willing to go there, as that silly Degrassi show says. Damn. I never _go there_. 

**Reviewers: **How many people am I going to have to sleep with to get more reviews? Just tell me. I'll whore myself for reviews, for free! Actually, I'm not that pathetic…yet. I still ask for you to leave five bucks on the night stand of my favorite flea bag motel. Those places are such an adventure. Will I get syph or won't I? Such a fun game!


	8. What Comes Is Better Than What Came

**Chapter 8:** What Comes Is Better Than What Came Before

**Author's Note: ** This chapter was a little weird for me to write because I kind of got my serious on. Not seriously serious, but there is definitely, at least for me, I bit more of a serious edge to this chapter. I hope not in an extremely OOS way (out of story. I might have made that up just now. Someone check that for me). And the next chapter, well I can say from what I have drafted in my head, it's pretty freakin crazy. 

**Disclaimer: **The title was completely ripped from a Cat Power song. Well actually, it was originally a Velvet Underground song, but she changed it so much, the lyrics aren't even close anymore. It's a bit sappy, but I think it fits Rory and Jess in this chapter and just the whole concept of marriage being a new beginning. I hope you agree. And if you don't, we will have a cage fight to the death.

I thought about using "I Can't Get No Satisfaction", but that seemed too cheesy. You'll see why.

Oh and if you use a dating service, don't be offended. Okay, be offended. I am totally making fun of you.

**By the way:** If you are wondering why dot com is written out, it's because it turns out I can't write internet addresses. So I'm not a complete loser. I just needed that part of the story to stay the same because that is where I did my research (minor research but I don't want to do it again).

* * *

Lorelai was perusing match dot com, mumbling to herself about each lucky boy on the site she had any sort of match with. For example, she matched with one man because they both enjoyed eating. What a connection. Stomach to stomach. Who cares about the heart? 

Sure she was supposed to be working, but finding a man was much more important. And she felt weird searching for a man at home. It made her feel dirty, like she was one click away from chat room hookups.

"It takes SoulMan2007 a week to get through the Sunday paper," she said to herself.

She continued reading profiles, oblivious to the world around her.

"NewAgeJedi likes to dress up like Luke Skywalker on the weekends and is looking for his Princess Leia. Oh my god. That's incestuous. And I wouldn't look good with cinnamon bun hair."

"LadiesMan69, wow, that name made me throw up a little. He has three wives. Huh. That could be a problem. I hate sharing."

Michel walked out. "What is that you're looking at?"

Lorelai quickly closed the page she had up on the computer. "Nothing. Just doing some research, you know, for the Inn," she said without looking him directly in the eye. Her palms had become sweating. Her face felt clammy. She was as bad at lying as Rory!

"Going to start whoring yourself for reservations?"

"Fine! I'll break. Gosh you're pushy."

"I don't really want to know. I just enjoy frustrating you. It burns calories."

"I don't care. I have to tell someone and I'm telling you," Lorelai sighed, "I'm pathetic. I've reached an all time low. I am looking for a date on match dot com."

Michel choked on his coffee. "This is fantastic."

Lorelai rolled her eyes. "I need a date for Rory's wedding. I'm not taking you. I'm not taking Manuel, the new hot, 18 year old gardener, so it's this. I've resorted to an internet love connection."

"Technology is amazing; really. If you search for a man, age 30, who wants a 40 year old woman who talks too much, eats too much and is self obsessed, you can find him. You can find your man looking for a second mother."

Lorelai was shooting death rays toward Michel. "I hate you."

"Why don't you just take the greasy diner man?"

"You know his name."

"I don't use up space in my memory for insignificant people."

"He lives in this town. I dated him for a few years! We were engaged. How can you not know his name?"

"I did know his name but after you got rid of him, I simply chose to forget it. He was no longer in your life, so his name had no importance to me."

Lorelai smiled. "That is probably the sweetest thing you've ever said to me."

Michel blushed. "I can't believe I'm being nice."

"Did you get botox? You're only this happy after you've had a botox injection."

"No. I don't know what's happening to me. I was nice to Sookie too. And I ate a muffin. A death muffin! I've gone soft. Feel my stomach. It's pudgy. I'm the Pillsbury Dough Boy Toy."

"I'm not touching your stomach."

"Come on, do it. Tell me how soft I am."

Lorelai tried to change the subject. She did not want to touch Michel. "Oh look, I've got an aim from SoulMan2007."

"Are you not taking me to the wedding because I have gone soft?"

"Go get a six pack and maybe we'll talk about you being my escort."

"I wasn't suggesting I wanted to go. I can't be seen with you if you're insisting on not washing your hair."

Lorelai threw her hands in the air. "You too? My hair is fine!"

"It smells like food."

"My shampoo is honey scented!"

"Your hair is probably like those men with those grotesque beards. It harbors food for later."

"You are doughy."

"I can't believe you just said that!" Michel stormed off in a huff.

She continued her match dot com mumbling since Michel was gone. "No thank you SoulMan. I don't want any of your Atlanta loving. I'm fine with the pale, un-spicy men in Connecticut."

Lorelai was startled out of her match dot com trance when she heard a crash, then a scream come from the kitchen. Before she could move, Sookie was at the front desk.

"Get rid of him!"

"Who?"

"Michel! He came into the kitchen and destroyed all of my pastries!"

"He what? How?"

"And he has it out for the cakes too. I've never seen him attack food with such ferocity."

"He's eating all the baked goods?"

"No. He's killing them."

"Food doesn't have a heartbeat."

"Fine, he's ripping it all apart. He attacked one of my cakes with the beaters! He whisked the muffins to death," Sookie lowered her voice to a whisper, "He's a Serial Pastry Killer."

"We should bring him up on charges."

"And what would they be? Disturbance of the Baked Goods?"

"I was thinking Muffin Molester. Or at least assault with a deadly whisk," Lorelai laughed, then got serious, "I can't believe he's attacking food."

"What did you say to him?"

"I called him doughy."

"You know he's sensitive about his weight. He's pretty much manorexic."

"He should totally date Carson Daly."

"They'd be the perfect tool of a couple."

A kitchen staffer stuck their head out of the kitchen door. "Sookie, he's going after the birds!"

"Not my chickens! Tackle him! Lock him in the freezer. Do whatever you have to do to keep him away from the birds!"

Sookie ran into the kitchen. She had to protect her babies.

* * *

Tom Cruise's face was scrunched up. He was putting it all on the line for Renne Zellweger. He had definitely lost his manhood. 

"I love you. You complete me." Jerry McGuire was such a pussy. Why did Rory love this movie so much?

"Aw, shut up. You had me at hello."

Of course, Renne Zellweger wasn't half bad to look at. Cute as a button.

Here came the speech he'd been hearing for the past two weeks.

"That is so beautiful."

Jess rolled his eyes. "Oh boy."

"You have to match or do better than that in your vows."

"Don't worry, I've got it covered." Jess turned toward Rory, with a fake heartfelt look in his eyes. "You suffocate me."

Rory huffed, "Let's just call the whole thing off."

Jess reached out for her hand. She moved it out of reach. "I love this game we play. You hate me, I hate you. It's great fun," Jess spat out, bitterly.

Rory turned toward Jess to slap him across the face, but he grabbed that hand.

She tried to use her other, but Jess grabbed that one as well.

Rory tried to fidget out of his hold. "Come on Jess, let go!"

"No. Not until you calm down. You're a freakin mad woman."

"I'm going to kick your shins."

"Go ahead. I'd love to see you try to wrangle your feet out from under you and kick me, all while sitting down."

"Why do you have to be like this?"

"Why are you crazy?"

"Don't answer a question with a question!"

"Don't be such a bitch."

"Ugh!" Rory continued trying to loosen herself from Jess' hold. Just one punch, or slap or any type of skin to skin contact and she'd feel much better.

Jess looked down at his watch. "Maybe I should put you in a time out. Want to start when the big hand gets to the 12?"

"Don't talk down to me! I'm a grown woman."

"Who would bite me if I let go of her arms. I'm not sure that screams 24 year old behavior."

"I'm 23!"

Jess laughed, "This is so illogical." Rory kept twisting around in his grip. "Rory, stop that or you are going to pass out."

"At least I wouldn't have to look at your face any longer!" With that, Rory was loose and almost got a good punch in on Jess, but he grabbed her hand and tackled her to the couch.

They stared at each other for a moment. Whether they were going to kill each other or rip each others clothes off was still uncertain.

Rory jumped up and crashed her lips into Jess's. It wasn't a nice kiss. It was bruising. It was lethal. The two bottles of wine she had consumed probably made it even more of an irrational move.

Rory pulled away. "God that was so hot."

"We should fight more often."

Rory smiled. "Bedroom?"

"If you promise not to try anything funky on the way."

"Pain is pleasure."

Rory pounced free of Jess' grasp, grabbed his hand and dragged him into the bedroom, slamming the door.

"God that felt good too. I love aggression."

She was a beast. She attacked Jess' lips again, sending him crashing down onto the bed and the lamp off of the table.

"I can buy you a new one."

"Uh thanks. I probably need a new shirt too."

Rory looked down and saw she had ripped the shirt almost in half.

"Wow, when did I do that?"

"Beats me." Jess aborted the conversation, forgot about the lamp and attacked Rory's lips.

* * *

Rory sat up in bed and wrapped the sheets around herself. "Wow." 

"Huh."

"That's what animals do in the jungle."

"We might be on the Animal Planet."

"That was wild."

"That…you…you were crazy."

Rory blushed. "Sorry I got so carried away. I don't know what it was. That wasn't me."

Jess grabbed her hand. "No. Crazy in a good way. I like alt Rory."

"More than reality Rory?"

Jess smirked. "It depends on what we're doing. Like if we're out in a public place, it wouldn't be a good idea to pull out alt Rory."

Rory trailed her hands up Jess' chest. "But you like doing it in public."

"But if you attack me, one of us will definitely get arrested," Jess paused, then added, "And get caught."

"I thought that was the thrill of it for you."

"Do you want to get caught in the bathroom because you're screaming so loud?"

"Bathroom sex was a one time thing. That was not sanitary. I can't believe I agreed to do that."

"Park sex was much cleaner."

"Again, one time thing."

"You sure do a lot of one time things."

"It never hurts to try."

"So how do you feel about movie theater sex?"

"Huh. I'll have to get back to you on that one."

"You're going to make a pro/con list, aren't you?"

Rory avoided his stare. "Maybe."

"Your pro/con lists are adorable." Jess nuzzled her neck, eliciting a soft moan from Rory.

* * *

"We haven't talked in three weeks. Have you been shopping at the Pottery Barn without me? You know I love the Pottery Barn!" Lorelai whined. 

"I've been busy with things."

"You missed wedding jiving."

"You didn't come to me."

"I hate when you do that."

"Do what?"

"Turn everything around to be my fault."

"I picked it up from you. You're the master. I'm a simply your prodigy."

"Who is surpassing the master."

Rory paused, "So dad called."

"Are you looking for my sympathy?"

"No."

"Good because I have fifty different versions of the same message on my machine where he says…"

"Sorry for the ambush; he had no clue."

"Did you actually speak to Mr. Clueless?"

"It was on accident. I picked up the phone assuming it was Jess and boom, I got dad saying 'I'm sorry' over and over."

"So not only is he clueless, he is repetitive. God. I can't believe I had sex with that."

"I thought you and dad were cool?"

"You know what they say."

"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?"

"I was just going to say women love to fake stuff, but that works too."

"I've been thinking about fake boobs."

"Wow, 360 conversation turn. And Rory, sweetie, you can't do that."

"Why?"

"You'll always be falling forward from the weight. You're a waif."

"And Jess would hate it, wouldn't he?"

"One day you're flat; the next day you can't keep them in your shirt. Just buy a wonder bra."

"That's misleading."

"Honey, you're with Jess. He knows what's going on under that shirt. This won't be one of those 'You're a D,' then the bra comes off and you're a prepubescent boy."

"I can't believe I was briefly considering a boob job."

"Hey, I was a hardcore stuffer in middle school."

"Yeah, when you were 12. I'm 23. My dream shouldn't be to look like Pamela Anderson."

"Cause then you'd have all that STD baggage to haul around with it."

"It should be winning a Pulitzer." Rory slammed her head against her steering wheel, causing the horn to honk, then jumped back startled. "God, I'm such an idiot."

"What was that noise?"

"My horn."

"You're in your car?"

"Yep."

"Where are you going?"

"Marriage counseling."

"You aren't married yet. What problems could you seriously have? I told you, train Jess like he's a dog and you'll live a happy life. He already marks his territory wherever he goes. I still haven't gotten the stain out of the carpet."

Rory groaned. "Mom, we have been over this. It's a pre marriage thing. They are there to help us sort out issues we wouldn't even be thinking about."

"So they can tell you that you aren't compatible and you'll just call it all off? Sounds like a dating service to me."

"I'm sure we'll score awesome on the compatibility part. You know I'm an excellent test taker."

"This isn't the SAT. You can put away the number 2 pencils and bottled water. I'm pretty sure they will be bringing up the kids issue."

"No."

"No what?"

"No kids."

Lorelai gasped and clutched her chest. "I'm not going to be a grandmother? This isn't something you tell a woman over the phone!"

"I'd be a horrible mother. I lack motherly instinct."

"Motherly instinct is to eat the weakest link. I hope you lack that."

Rory pulled into the counseling center and parked her car. "Look mom, I'm here. I have to go inside."

"Remember, I am not intrusive. And you don't need a restraining order."

Rory was thoroughly confused. "What?"

"Believe me. It will come up. Just paint me in a flattering light. I prefer my right side."

Rory sighed, "Bye mom."

Rory pressed the end button, opened her car door and walked toward the counseling center.

Just breathe. She just had to remember breathing was very important.

* * *

Jess stared down at the question sheet. "My father is….estranged." 

"My mother is…"

"Put institutionalized. It'll get you tons of sympathy."

"I can't lie."

"Who's going to tell them she's not?"

Rory waved her hands around looking for a logical answer. "The keepers of the truth."

"Is that like the guarder of the Holy Grail? If so, we are doomed. Bunnies horrify me."

Rory slapped Jess on the arm, then pulled back and looked down. "I shouldn't have done that."

"Huh? You've never had a problem abusing me before."

Rory covered his mouth and smiled to the empty waiting room. "Shut up. We are super happy. The happiest of happy. We never fight; I never hit you. And we agree on no kids."

Jess looked stunned. "What?"

"Oh don't give me that crap about needing to have a male to carry on your name."

Jess lowered his voice, "I thought you… I mean I just assumed kids wouldn't be something to write off now."

Rory looked away, mumbling, "I'd be a horrible mother."

Jess grabbed her hand, but before he could say anything, they were called back for their appointment.

* * *

Rory and Jess entered a small room, where a man was seated in a chair. 

His smile had fallen to a frown when they walked over to sit down.

"Not another pretty couple."

"Excuse me?"

"All of the couples I have to counsel are the Hollywood types. Pretty on the outside and completely vacant in between the ears. Why can't I ever talk to normal people? Or ugly people? It's always got be the ones that they're only contribution to society will be good looking kids, who will then blow coke up their nose like Lindsay Blowhan."

Jess stood up. "I'm not listening to this crap."

"Believe me, sir, we aren't idiots. He's a writer."

The man started laughing uncontrollably. "Oh I'm just teasing you two." He had stuck out his hand for Jess to shake, but Jess didn't comply. "You can call me Sam. I like to break the ice by making a total ass of myself. It makes this whole process a lot easier, I think. When you say something completely humiliating, you can just look back and remember I ranted to you about how I hated pretty clients."

"Oh."

"Huh."

Sam raised his eyebrows. "What is it we have here? A monosyllabic couple? Must make dinner a pretty dull event."

Jess chuckled. "She never shuts up."

Rory blushed. "I talk a lot. Too much some people would say. I don't think it's bad. Is it bad? Does it mean I'm trying to overcompensate to make up for something? Or is it because I drink too much coffee? I love coffee. So does my mom. I have a feeling my baby bottles were more of a latte, less of just straight milk," Rory paused, "I just really like caffeine."

Jess smiled. "See what I told you."

"When I first met him, you were lucky to get a complete sentence out of him."

"So you control the conversation normally?"

"I don't think I'm a control freak."

"She just likes things her way."

"Are you okay with that, Jess?"

"She's perfect. I don't complain about little things."

"Well okay then. I think we are off to a good start. Now I'd like to talk to you separately."

Rory was puzzled. "Separately? The manual didn't say we'd be separated."

"Don't worry; I'm not a mad scientist back here. You'll leave as you came. So who wants to go first?"

Jess shrugged, "I don't care."

"I don't care either."

Sam smiled. "I guess we'll have to do this the old school way. Rock, paper, scissors for who goes first."

Games at therapy? Rory did not play games at therapy! "What?"

"Rock, paper, scissors. Do you not know how to play?"

"No I do. It's just…"

Jess nudged Rory, "Come on Ror, let's play rock, paper, scissors."

Rory turned toward Jess, made a fist, and Jess mirrored her.

"On three."

"On three."

They both waited, "Who's counting to three?"

Jess shrugged. "I don't know, do you want to?"

"I don't want to take counting to three away from you. You can do it."

Sam rolled his eyes at their inability to make an easy decision. "You are the most noncommittal couple I've ever met. Obviously rock, paper, scissors is too complicated. Jess, you are going first. Rory, you can wait right outside the door. There should be a bench."

Rory stood up, and looked down at Jess, whispering, "My mother is not insane."

Jess was confused. "What?"

"Just remember that. It will be important."

* * *

There was a boy sitting on the bench across from Rory. Rory was mid counting the lines on the floor when the boy interrupted her thoughts with a question. 

"What are you in here for?"

Rory was caught off guard. "Excuse me?"

"Why are you seeing a shrink?"

"Oh it's not a shrink. It's a counselor."

"Apples to oranges, it's all the same. Did you kill someone?"

Rory was taken aback. "I don't own a gun."

"Did you choke him? Suffocate him with a pillow? Poison his food?"

"I can't cook. I'm a really bad cook. My boyfriend fears my cooking. The thought about it makes him physically ill."

"So you're boyfriend is still alive. Does that mean you killed your mom? Bitch had it coming, didn't she?"

"What are you, six?"

The boy smiled. "10, going on 11. So who did you kill?"

"No one. I'm getting married."

"To a woman who is trapped in a man's body?"

"It's just pre marriage counseling! We don't have issues!"

The boy looked a bit disappointed. "Too bad. Last week I met this guy who was married to his sister. And his mom was also his sister. Freaky, huh? That means he married his mom too!"

"Why are you here?"

"My mom shot my dad. They think I might have been disturbed by it," the boy said like it was no big deal.

"Were you?"

"Nah, the bastard had it coming. He was doing his secretary in the Denny's parking lot every Wednesday."

"Oh."

"But watching someone get shot, man that's crazy. Everything slows down. The bullet goes right through the chest and you just stand there, mesmerized."

"It's called shock."

"Really? I never knew that. The ten shrinks I've talked to have never brought that up. Thanks for the insight."

"Sorry. I didn't know what to say. I've never witnessed someone getting shot."

"Go hang out in the ghetto," the boy paused, "Actually, that's probably not a good idea. You're really white."

"I could be black if I wanted to be!"

"Okay, talk 'black for me'."

Rory tried to remember how Jay-Z spoke. Wait, maybe she should do Beyonce. No, Beyonce was basically a white black girl. Oprah? That was black royalty. So she decided to pull out all her knowledge from MTV and Ludacris videos. "Yo, homes, I'm going to slap a few bitches around, you hear?" following that offensive statement with some weird hand thing.

"That would get you shot."

"Oh. Should I have gone with Oprah? I can do Oprah real well, watch," Rory walked over to this boy, grabbed his hands and started shaking him, screaming, "I'm giving you a new houseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

The boy pulled away. "You do have problems. Get away or I'm calling my mother out here. And she shoots people!"

* * *

Sam shifted in his seat, then looked down at Jess' question sheet and smirked. "I can see you didn't take these questions very seriously." 

"I didn't want to commit to one answer."

Sam laughed. "I don't think you can say 'what the fuck is the PTA' to kids."

"I really hated that question."

"I can tell. You wrote your answer in all capital letters."

"Which shows I am an aggressive person?"

Sam ignored this. "I can also tell you thought the alcohol question was a joke."

"And the drugs question. And the tobacco question. Are you trying to take away all my fun?"

"When you think of getting married, do you think about all the fun being sucked out of life?"

Jess laughed. "Funny."

"What?"

"You try to warm me up with a little bonding to get me to admit I really don't believe in marriage."

"Not at all. It's just standard questioning."

"Throw another standard at me."

"Okay. If there was one thing you could change about Rory, what would it be?"

"I told you; she's perfect."

"No one's perfect."

"She is. Next question."

"Come on Jess, think. There has to be one thing…"

Jess fidgeted. "I don't know. Sometimes she's crazy."

"As in she's a threat to your life?"

"No. She can get weird when she's drunk."

"Does she drink a lot?"

"What is a lot?"

"Do you find her passed out on the couch?"

"It makes everything easier."

"Jess, please be serious."

"A few times lately; yes. But it's just all the marriage crap. It's stressing her out. We don't need to do one of those weird intervention things."

"What about your sex life? I'm assuming you have one since you answered the sex question with a question."

"Who the heck is a virgin when they get married?"

"Well there are people…"

"Fictional don't count. And yeah, we have a sex life."

"Is it satisfying?"

"I'm not answering that."

"I don't want details. I'm not a pervert. I'm just here to ask. Are you satisfied?"

"I was."

"But now?"

"Right now?"

Sam was growing impatient with Jess. "Has she been rebuffing your attempts?"

"Not really. We both just don't have any interest, I guess. And right now we don't live together, so our time is limited."

"There are other alternatives for long distance couples…"

Jess shifted on the couch. He was becoming uncomfortable. "Can we move on to the next question?"

"Okay. Kids. You didn't really touch that part, not even with a sarcastic answer. Why?"

"Kids really aren't on my radar right now."

"Fair enough. But later?"

"Maybe."

"What about Rory?"

"I'll let you ask her that."

"So you know her opinion?"

"I have an idea."

"And you aren't happy about it?"

"Right before we walk in here, she tells me no kids. Who does that? No kids never and she decides this two seconds before we walk in here?"

"I'm sure she didn't just decide it…"

"And without talking to me? I should get a say! Next thing you know she's going to say we have to live next door to her mother, which by the way, I found out from someone who wasn't her she was looking at houses. She still hasn't admitted to it. And yeah, I'm being passive aggressive by pretending I don't know. But I do. I can't live next door to that woman. She's just like Rory. I can't handle two of them. One is great. Two is deadly. It's like pills and wine. Good separate, bad together."

"So the mother is the issue?"

Jess laughed. "No, the mother is not the issue."

"Huh?"

"Rory whispered to me before she left here her mother is not an issue or some bull shit like that. She doesn't have to interact with my parents, so maybe she doesn't realize how much in-laws suck, but they do. Do you know her grandparents?"

"Can't say I do."

"They are insane. They live in this big mansion on this hill and look down on everyone else. I'm pretty sure they want to have me killed. Her whole freaking family will always be in her life and I've dealt with that, but I can't live near them. A marriage can't work living that close to in-laws, can it? I read somewhere that it can't."

"Normally you are advised not to live close to in-laws. They are the number one reason for divorce."

"She's the only girl I've ever loved."

"That's nice."

"And probably the only one I ever will. You see why I can't lose that? You have to help me."

Sam was taken aback. This guy had lost it. "Um, I'll try my best."

"No, you don't get how serious this is. She actually likes me. No one likes me. If I met me, I wouldn't like me. I'm unlikable, yet she likes me."

"Jess, I do understand what you are saying but I don't control the universe. This is in your hands."

Jess stared toward the door, blurting "And no squash."

"Huh?"

"Our crazy caterer has been bugging me about squash for four weeks. I hate squash. She chased me with squash. I have been having nightmares. Do you have anything you can give me?"

"I don't normally write prescriptions…"

"I'm not sleeping! Squash are suffocating me! Can't you give me something?"

"I can recommend some herbal tea. It's made in Japan. Quite soothing."

* * *

Jess walked out and sat down next to Rory on the bench. He simply nodded. It was Rory's turn. As soon as Rory shut the door, the kid started questioning a very dazed Jess. 

"Do you tap that a lot?"

"Huh?"

"Your girlfriend. She's so hot. Do you get a piece of that action every night?"

Jess rubbed his face and ignored the kid.

"Are you high? She said you didn't have any problems but you can tell me. Do you like to snort it up your nose?"

"What are you, five?"

"10 going on 11. So tell me, how did a loser like you get a girl like that?"

"I don't know. I guess I'm lucky."

"Well she is kind of crazy, so I guess no one else would take her. So maybe you're not that lucky. But if you tie her up, she's probably pretty safe, huh?" When Jess didn't answer, the boy moved on to the next subject, "So, have you shot anyone?"

"No. Why, looking to get shot?'

"Do you have a gun?"

"If I did, you wouldn't still be talking."

"You're not very nice."

"Thanks."

"Did they make you talk about your mom in there? When they do that, people cry a lot. Then they come out of there zombie like. Are you a crier? I've never cried."

"Want to start?"

"What?"

"Never mind. Do you know where a soda machine is?"

"Yeah, around the corner. Can you grab me a pop?"

"No."

The kid muttered asshole to himself and Jess smiled.

* * *

Rory looked around the room. She was nervous. She'd been practicing what to say in her head for a week. 

"I really like the color of this room."

"Thanks."

"It's mellow."

"It's yellow."

"You made a joke."

"I know."

"Jess doesn't make a lot of jokes, but I find him funny. I think that's how I knew I was in love with him. No one else laughs at his jokes but I do. That's either love or a lame sense of humor."

"How long have you known Jess?"

"I met him when I was 17."

"So you're high school sweethearts? I don't take you for the cheerleader/football player couple. Were you the two misunderstood art geeks?"

"We haven't been together the entire time. On and off. More off than on. But we were off because we didn't live in the same town most of that time."

"I see. So when did you become serious?"

"About a year and a half ago. It's weird. I found him through myspace."

"So you searched him out?"

"I'm not a stalker."

"I didn't say you were."

"He's a writer. I thought I could search for him on the internet. I just wanted to know how he was doing. That's all. Nothing creepy."

"Of course."

"He gave me a ring pop."

"Huh?"

Rory held up her hand. "See, it's a ring pop. Not an engagement ring. A ring pop. It's cherry. And it's sticky."

"Do you hold that against him?"

"No," Rory paused. She was lying. She had to be honest. "Yeah, I do. I'm not vain. It's just; I have candy on my hand. I don't wear it at work. I'm embarrassed. I only bring it up to get pity. Does that make me a bad person?"

"It makes you human."

"Guess that ruins my mom's theory that we are aliens sent from planet Zimanongrande."

"Ah yes, your mother."

Rory's smile faded. "What did Jess say?"

"Why do you assume he said something?"

"He told you she was intrusive, didn't he? She's my best friend. Jess doesn't have friends. It's hard for him to deal with people who have friends. I'm his only friend."

"That's harsh."

"That's the truth."

"Is your mom okay with the wedding?"

"She filled my room with bridal magazines."

"I'll take that as a yes."

"She likes Jess. I'm sure he thinks she still holds a grudge, but she doesn't. She's grudgeless."

"Why would she hold a grudge?"

Rory paused, "Jess and I, we have a history."

"You've known each other since you were 17. Obviously, there is a history."

"He left me. A couple of times, actually. He told me he loved me and ran away. Who does that? You can't do an ambush with the words, 'I love you.' There wasn't a warm up either. It just came out. No 'I'm sorry, I love you,' just I love you. Then he hopped in his car and drove away. He didn't even give me a chance to answer or hit him or something. Then later that year, he wanted me to runaway with him. But that was Jess," Rory paused, "He messed me up for a while, so therefore he wasn't my mom's favorite person."

"Sounds like he caused you a lot of hurt. Do you still hold that against him?"

"No."

"So if you're in a big fight and you are furious at him, you wouldn't bring that up to hang over his head?"

"I'm not like that."

"We're all vengeful people."

"I don't want to hurt Jess. I'm not perfect. I wasn't perfect before. We're different now."

"Jess thinks you're perfect."

Rory didn't like when Jess told people she was perfect. "Jess is obviously a shrink suck up."

"I'm not a shrink."

She was becoming hostile. "Really? Then what's with the intrusive questioning."

"Miss Gilmore, calm down."

"You think this is me being hostile? At least I'm not crying! And I don't have mommy issues. And who the hell are you to analyze my relationship with Jess? You obviously don't get any."

"It's my job to analyze you."

"I bet you think I'm pretty frickin crazy right now, don't you?"

"I think you're both crazy."

"That wasn't very professional."

"Stop screaming at me and I'll change my manner."

Rory was sobbing. "Do you think I'm a bitch for not wanting kids?"

Sam sighed, "Kids aren't for everyone."

"Especially self obsessed whack jobs like me who would drink coffee even though they knew their kid would grow up with an irregularly large head, right?"

"If you want kids, I'm sure you'd make a good mother."

"You have to say that."

"No I don't."

"I think Jess wants kids."

"But having kids when you don't want them is also not a good idea."

"Sometimes I'm afraid I'll lose him."

Sam was speechless. What was there to say? She was spilling her inner thoughts out. He figured it best to just listen.

"I push him, a lot. I push all his buttons. He's like a big microwave and I am playing with all the buttons. And one day he is going to malfunction and explode."

"Interesting comparison."

"I can't lose him. I love him."

"You two seem to enjoy telling me that."

Rory wiped her nose, "Huh?"

"You and Jess share the same fears."

"He's not crazy. I'm crazy. I pop valium like junior mints. I love junior mints and my valium to junior mints ratio doesn't even compare any more. I'm a pill popper."

"Weddings can be stressful."

"We don't have a song. And I can't figure out a song for us. If I can't find us a song, we can't get married. Do you know how much pressure that puts on me?"

"I'm sure it'll just come to you."

"I'm sick of people saying that. Jess says that, you say that! God! Marriage is an effort. Jess isn't putting any effort into this. He's too busy brooding and being stupid and watching Jerry McGuire."

"He likes Jerry McGuire?"

"I know; it's a chick movie. And he pretends he hates it, but I catch him watching it all the time. He better not write his vows from that movie. I swear, I'll kill him. I'll beat him to death with my bouquet, in front of everyone. And don't write that down. I wouldn't really kill him. Blood makes me pass out. It's just an expression."

"I know."

"I slept with a married man!"

"What?"

"After Jess asked me to runaway with him. I gave up my 'sweater' to an old boyfriend. I lost my virginity to a married guy and its all Jess' fault. It's got to be. It should have been him. He should have worn my sweater first. But he had to run away then too. God, he runs a lot. He should be a frickin Zimbabwe marathon runner."

Rory was blowing her nose, sobbing. "I look really gross right now, don't I?"

"Maybe we should end the meeting for today."

"Don't we need to talk about how he is Jewish and I am nothing and how we are going to feud about dredels and Santa and that stupid Hanukah Harry?"

"We can do that another time. Go. Get some fresh air. Decompress. Find a good rehab facility."

Rory didn't know what to do. She had more to say. "But I didn't even tell you about my rich boyfriend. The guy before Jess. He was rich. And Jess is poor. The fact that I know that makes me a bad person, doesn't it? Am I a gold digger? Is Kanye West talking about me? Do I look like a trophy wife to you? Please, answer me."

"I bet Jess is sitting out there wondering where you are."

"Well if you won't talk to me now, when is our next appointment? Huh?"

"I don't know. Hopefully not soon."

* * *

Rory walked out of the room and found Jess sitting on the bench, staring at his shoes. 

"We can go."

Jess perked up at her voice and stood. "Thank god. That kid is a freak. He finally went to the bathroom. If we run, we can beat him out of here." He didn't comment on the fact that her face was lined with mascara and her nose was pink. That kid said people cry a lot here. He just went with it.

"How did your meeting with Sam go?"

"It went. Yours?"

"Same."

"Good."

"So…"

"Not now, Rory."

"But later?"

"I need to…"

"Decompress?"

"Sure. And to get wasted."

"Me too. And supposedly I need to find a good rehab facility. My mom will love that one."

Jess kissed her hair, whispering, "My very own little alcoholic."

Rory rubbed his back. "My very own little pot head."

"We make a good couple."

"We're a fairy tale."

"When two head cases come together…"

"…something magical happens."

Rory and Jess both laughed.

"I cried."

"I can tell."

"Did you cry?"

"Men don't cry."

"Says the man who curled into the fetal position and sobbed after Brokeback Mountain."

"I told you, I was fluey."

"Right."

Jess kissed her forehead. "I love you, okay? No matter what, I love you."

"Thanks. I needed to hear that."

"We're good, right?"

"I'm still wearing your ring pop."

Jess smiled. "Yeah, you are.**  
**

* * *

**Ending Author's Note:** The end was a lot of sweet. I hope it's not like eating cotton candy and riding a roller coaster sweet, where now you need to throw up. 

I'm not going to make any claims that Rory going crazy and screaming about the past in therapy was an original idea, but I believe that's what Rory always does. Especially in this story. She is not sane.

And for some reason, I made Jess out to be the guy who likes doing it in public. And I read this article that talked about how wide spread exhibitionism is now. They have blogs and everything! I'm not sure if Rory is the exhibitionist type, but Jess could probably convince her to try anything. And oh my god, a bunch of feminist are going to come and kill me for saying that with maxi pads and tears. I'm sorry menopausal feminist! Really! I burn my bra too!

**Reviewers:** How important am I to you? If I was being held hostage, would you pay my ransom? Would you save me from bad fan fiction?

And as always, I love you. I want to have your illegitimate love child to sell on the black market.


	9. Cranberry Juice for My Chylmidia

**Chapter 9: **Cranberry Juice for My Chylmidia

**Author's Note:** I gave one of my characters a STD! Sick, huh? Actually there is no real, live STD in this chapter. It just made for an awesome title. I like the double C's

This chapter is quite ridiculous and I love it for the ridiculousness. If you think from Rory's first section utterance this story is diving into preposterousness, have no fear! I believe it has an awesome pay off!

**Disclaimer:** I think if I wanted to, I could say I owned the world and no one would challenge me on it. But I won't. And I don't own the idea for spy movies, although if I did, spy movies would kick so much more ass. And yeah, I'm patting myself on the back. I just broke my arm.

I wish I wrote Just Like Honey. God, what a perfect song. And how awesomely did Lost in Translation use it? Anyways, the thing I love about songs is how depending on the person, it means something completely different. So to you, Just Like Honey (if you've heard it. If you haven't, go download it now!) could just be about oral sex. But to other people, it's about the complexities of a relationship. And I love that. Even if you don't agree, the beat is just awesome.

I'm hoping to work Sea of Love into the wedding. It's an awesome song (I love the Cat Power cover). While music isn't that important in a fanfic, for a geek like me, I love having characters chat about it. So yeah, that's my serious for the day.

* * *

Rory walked in the house and was attacked right away. But not by a person. By a scent. 

"God, what is that smell."

"Incense." Lorelai answered, from the floor. She was sprawled out in front of the TV, surrounded by a bag of Doritos and a bottle of water.

"Why are you burning incense?"

"Because Oprah says you need to clear all negative energy from your life before you can find love. Therefore, I am purifying myself. All negative energy will be gone."

Rory noticed dark circles under Lorelai's eyes. "When was the last time you slept?"

"Friday. Or Thursday. I don't remember. And I haven't had coffee in a week."

Rory's jaw dropped. You heard the thud when it hit the floor. "No way."

"To purify myself, I had to get rid of coffee. I've been running on coffee since birth and I haven't found love."

"But you love coffee. You had a recommitment ceremony with it at Luke's. It's been your longest lasting relationship. You're going back to it, right? This can't be forever."

"No more coffee."

Rory laughed. "You'll never last."

"I've lasted a week."

"You also haven't been out of this house for a week. It's easy to avoid something if you don't move off the floor."

"I've gone to the bathroom."

"At least you haven't sunk to drinking your own urine."

"That's not the worst idea. It is sterile. And totally environmentally conscious."

"You know what the environment freaks also do? They only use one square of toilet paper per bathroom visit. Are you going to start doing that?"

"I'll top that. I'll purge all toilet paper from my life!"

Rory scrunched up her nose. "This is sick. And you smell."

"It's just my natural scent."

Rory sniffed, "You smell like Doritos, sweat and tears. Have you been crying?"

"The first few days of detox were hard."

"You really want to find love?"

"Its comes and goes. Some days I want love. Some days I want a booty call."

"I'm guessing you ran out of batteries for Peter Cottontail."

"By day two."

Rory walked over to the answering machine, noticing the red blinking light. "You have 53 messages!"

"I'm not supposed to communicate with the outside world during this period."

"So what have you been doing during your isolation period?"

"Talking to Paul Anka. Lying right here. Using the thigh master I ordered twenty-five years ago. Feel my thighs! They are so much tighter. And I watched every single episode of The West Wing."

"You actually watched The West Wing?"

"It was on while I was slipping in and out of consciousness. I thought that if I added to my profile 'avid West Wing fan', I'd have more compatibility matches."

"With nursing home patients."

"I did stay fully conscious during some of the Rob Lowe episodes."

"Even as a politician he was yummy."

"I had this weird dream where he let me play his saxophone."

Rory gagged. "I hate when you do the sexual innuendo thing."

"No really! A real saxophone. Not his saxophone."

Rory looked down, staring at her mother's legs. "Oh my god, when was the last time you shaved?"

Lorelai thought for a moment. "Two, three weeks ago. Maybe a month."

"It's so long."

"It keeps me warm."

"You're wearing sweats. And it's July!"

"Without coffee my body runs at a much lower temperature. My heart beats so much slower."

"I think that means you're about to die."

"At least I'll be purified."

"After this 'purification' period, no more Oprah for you. Although, I can't believe Oprah gave this advice."

"She didn't. She said buy better bras for more lift. Supposedly guys love lift. But obviously, my lift is perfect."

"I envy your lift."

"I thought this plan up all on my own."

"I'm glad I'm getting married now. This is pathetic to watch."

"You say that now but since you are getting married, you have no reason to stay hot. You'll stop going to spin class…"

"I've never been to spin class."

"See, I have."

"Once and you tipped the bike over and took out the entire row. It was the spin class domino nightmare of 2007."

"My ass improved so much from those 30 minutes," Lorelai silenced herself, then wrote down on her notepad, "It is now silent time. Talking will resume in two hours. Come again soon."

Rory shook her head. "I'll be at Luke's, drinking coffee and interacting with the human race. Oh and by the way, Jess is cheating on me."

* * *

"Rory, stop walking so fast. I haven't moved in days. I'm not warmed up. I'll pull something!" 

Rory continued to ignore her mother, walking three paces ahead of her.

"You can't drop a bomb like 'Jess is cheating on me' and run away. That's not cool. At least let me in on the snooping plan you have cooking up in your head."

Rory stopped, jerked around and faced her mother. "My what?"

"You aren't crying, which means either this is a normal thing and you are an open couple or you just suspect, haven't caught. It means he is showing signs of cheating but you still need to catch him. So what's the plan?"

"Aren't you supposed to be purifying and not in the sunlight?"

"Don't ignore my questions."

Rory clenched her fist and a blush crept onto her cheeks. "We haven't had sex in over a month, okay! And he hasn't answered his phone for a week! He has gone MIA."

"And that's a bad thing?"

"He's my fiancé."

"But everyone gets sick of men. That's why spas were created."

"But everyone needs sex!" Rory paused, realizing what she was yelling in the middle of the street. "This is just perfect. I'm yelling about how I need sex out in the middle of the street for the entire world to hear."

"Your voice is small. People around the world only heard your muffled cries."

Rory picked up a rock and threw it at Lorelai. "So not the point."

"Hey, there is no need to throw things at me! I'm not the problem here."

"You're always the problem."

"What?"

"Mothers. They are always the root of the problem. Find a crazy man, look at his childhood and you'll find a crazy mother."

"I'm trying to decide if I should be offended or just write this off as crazy 'My boyfriend is banging his nonexistent secretary' babble."

"You made me frigid!"

"I didn't dress you up like a pilgrim for Halloween and put a lock on your chastity belt. You took that lock off long before I wanted you to. Obviously you had the key, if there was a lock."

Rory looked down. "We're getting married. This isn't supposed to be happening. I even found us a song."

Lorelai looked like she was about to cry. "Oh Rory."

"Just Like Honey. It seemed perfect in that imperfect way. It is me and Jess."

Rory wiped away her tears, continuing, "God, this is so pathetic. I'm standing in the middle of the street yelling at you in your dumb yoga pants, which should be making me laugh because they're neon."

"I won a year's supply of yoga pants. A different color for each day. 365 colors. My favorite is Moonlight Gypsy Blue," Lorelai said weakly.

"I love him mom. It's either him or…or…I don't know. Probably me going crazy and eating my way to 500 pounds of disgusting whale blubberness."

"We have fast metabolisms. It's physically impossible for us to gain weight. I've tried. Sometimes I think, 'come on, that ass too flat'."

Rory giggled a sad giggle through her tears.

"You can join me for a day of purification if you want." Lorelai offered.

"I can't. I have invitations to address, flowers to smell, and I need your measurements for your dress. Oh and I have to go talk to Luke about another chuppa. Jess being Jewish and all, I wanted our own chuppa so the whole Jew thing wouldn't be cut out of the ceremony. Sometimes I wish he had a Jew fro. Then…"

Lorelai grabbed Rory's shoulders. "Stop Rory. All of that can wait. You're a mess. When was the last time you slept or bathed or," she looked down at Rory's hobbit feet, "took care of yourself?"

"No time," she mumbled.

"Well then at least let me go put on all black and do a little investigating for you."

"You're right. I'm being paranoid. Jess doesn't have a secretary. Who would he be doing it with? His next door neighbor? She's 90. Her boobs touch the ground."

"It's my job to take care of you. Let me do this. If anything is going on, other than him dressing up like a superhero and playing Super Geeks with his friends, I'll kill him and dispose of the body. All traces of Jess will disappear, we'll have your memory drained and you'll go on living a happy, Jess free life."

"I don't think that's possible."

Lorelai groaned, "He's not cheating on you."

"How can you be so sure?"

"No one else likes him."

"Luke does."

"You think Luke and Jess are having an affair?"

Rory looked utterly embarrassed. "No."

"Good. I don't know what I would have done with you if you would have had some weird theory that the diner had gone the way of incest. Can you imagine what fine Taylor would slap on Luke for that?"

"It was stupid. Can we just drop this and forget I ever said anything and go eat lots of food?"

"Normally bribing me with food would work, but when you live off of Doritos and fruity water for a week, food just doesn't seem that important. Besides, I'm on a mission."

Lorelai grabbed Rory's hand and started dragging her back toward home.

"What are you doing? Coffee! I was going to get coffee!"

"I need to get home."

"Too much sunlight?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"I have some studying I need to do."

"What studying?"

"I have to watch 24 so I can know how to get my Jack Bauer on."

"Why?"

Lorelai whipped around toward Rory, giving her Emily's patented evil eye.

"If you don't stop asking questions, I'm going to shoot you in the face."

Rory stepped back. "That was scary."

Lorelai smiled. "Good. I've been working on that line in my head since you uttered the words Jess and cheating in the same sentence."

"So what's the big plan?"

Lorelai smirked. "You'll see."

* * *

"I need you to do this one little thing for me," Lorelai begged into the phone. 

Michel sighed. "I don't like you."

"That's been settled, but thanks for the reminder. All I need you to do is drive my getaway car."

"Are you involved in some organized crime?"

"Yes, I am a big fat mob boss. Now will you drive a damn car for me?"

"Why can't you do it yourself?"

"If things get dicey, I need the car started and already moving. I'm flexible. I can dive into a moving car. I've had plenty of practice."

"Why would things get dicey?"

"Well when you spy on someone, you never know when they might bring out a gun or call the fuzz. I'm just being cautious. And besides, we'll be in the car together three hours. I'll bring the Hairspray soundtrack and we can bond."

"What about the man who works at the herpes infested diner, serving bacteria covered food?"

"Luke?"

"If that's his name."

"It's his nephew. He wouldn't help me."

"What about your daughter that talks a lot?"

"Rory?"

"Why do we need to waste time with names here? Yes, Rory!"

"Well, you see, it's her boyfriend who we are spying on."

"Who's her boyfriend?"

"Jess, remember? You've met him. He stole all your post it notes." Michel wasn't responding. "Greasy diner man's nephew? He's Rory's fiancé."

"Unless they get married, his name is of no use to me."

Lorelai rolled her eyes. "Not this again."

"Last month you found it endearing," he said sweetly.

"Michel, I'll buy you a Justin Timberlake concert ticket."

"I hate bribery."

"I'll spend a ridiculous amount of money to get you in the Sexy Back dance area."

"You suck," he groaned. "Okay, I'm sold. I'll be your getaway man."

"Okay, get out a pen."

"Why?"

"I have a list of things I need you to pick up."

"Seriously? Can't you do this? Or Rory?"

"Luke will see us and know something is up, then he will kidnap me and wave coffee around until I not only break, but lose all I've gained from my week long purification. And Rory is not mentally here at the moment. Okay, I need a disposal camera."

"Are you taking pictures of naked people?"

"He's my daughter's fiancé!"

"You're a weird family!"

"I need rope."

"Oh my god, are you killing someone? I can't be involved in a murder."

"Don't worry; I'll take the rap for it all."

"There will be blood on my hands!"

"You're the getaway man!"

"It's an American expression. You can't do this. The Inn will close. Rory won't have a mother. Sookie will bake herself into a cake."

"I'm not really killing someone." Lorelai searched for a different excuse than the real one. "It's for a book."

"You're writing a book?"

"Yes. It's about a woman who kills her son in law because he is banging Betty Crocker."

"This boy is cheating on Rory? We have to kill him!"

"I'm writing a book!"

Michel laughed. "No you're not. I have yogalates at 6. I'll pick you up at 7."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Lorelai gushed. "Don't yogalates yourself out too much. I might need you to help me tie him up."

"This is ridiculous. You are a very disturbed woman."

"He's cheating on Rory…hypothetically in the book that is."

"Right. I'm going."

* * *

Lorelai moved around in the car, trying to get a better view into his windows. Not even binoculars were helping. "I can't see anything. Can you see anything? Is that a woman up there?" 

"I think that's the boy."

"Wow his hair has gotten long. Look at the volume. How does he get such good volume?"

"You could go up there and ask him."

"Then it wouldn't be spying. It would be interrogating."

"Look, he is going in the bedroom. I bet he has six girls waiting in there for some crazy Roryless orgy."

"You are so cranky."

"We've been watching him from down here since 10 o'clock. It's 3am!"

"You're right. I need to get closer. Hand me the rope."

Lorelai slipped on her ski mask, and opened the car door.

"You look like a murderer."

"But a skinny murderer, right? All black is supposed to be sleek and sexy. Am I sleek and sexy?"

Michel threw the rope out at her. "Be careful. I do not want to have to explain to your child that her mother died while spying on her boyfriend's orgy."

"He's not having an orgy."

"Okay, a threesome."

"Go away Michel."

"I'm your get away car."

Lorelai thought for a moment. "Come with me."

"What?"

"I'll need a boost. Once we climb the fire escape. Look how high up. I'll need to stand on your shoulders."

"Wait one second, you never said…"

"Rory said high. She didn't say how high. I didn't know. And look, I wore heels. I can't climb a brick wall in heels."

"You should have worn a body suit covered in glue."

"Cute."

* * *

Lorelai was situated on Michel's shoulders. They weren't in the safest position. The ledge was very small, and if Lorelai breathed wrong, they'd both go right into the trash cans that probably were filled with dead babies. Wait, let's hope not. Dead babies are bad. 

"What do you see?"

Lorelai was shocked. "Jess…Jess…is crying."

"Is he gay?"

"He's lying on the couch, crying. He looks like he hasn't slept in at least a week. He's not screwing Bambi McScrewsAlot. He's been laying here crying. Crying over my kid! My kid is making a boy cry."

"Did she kick him down there?"

"I hope not. Then he'd be limp all the time. Oh crap, he's looking at us!"

Michel crouched down a bit and Lorelai almost fell. "Can he see us?" Michel asked.

"He's staring right at me."

"Pretend you're a bird."

"Ka ca Ka ca, Ka ca, I'm a bird! I love to fly and poop on monuments."

Jess wiped his eyes, sure he was dreaming and opened his window.

"Lorelai?"

"No Lorelai here. Just a bird. Ka ca."

"Rory's not here."

"Who's Rory? This is a dream. Go back to sleep."

"What are you doing down there?"

"You know, just climbing. I like climbing. This is my climbing partner, Michel."

"Bonjour."

"Your climbing partner is French?"

"He pretends to be. Madonna pretends to be British; Michel pretends to be French. Tell him you hate Americans, Michel. It's so funny."

"I am going to drop you," Michel warned

"He's such an angry fake Frenchman."

Jess was confused. "Do you want to come inside?"

"Why, are there girls in there?"

"What?"

"So there are girls in there. What are their names? Or are they strippers and their names are so ridiculous they aren't worth repeating? Is Bubbles in there?"

"What are you going on about?"

"Are you cheating on Rory?"

Jess became angry. "No."

"Are you sure?"

"I'd think I'd know."

"Then what is your problem?"

"I don't think I want to share my feelings with Dr. Gilmore."

Lorelai pulled out her toy water gun and pointed it at Jess. "Spill or I shoot you in the foot."

"That's pink."

"It's advanced."

"And it's plastic."

"Start talking or a shoot."

"Shoot away. I don't melt."

"I can't believe my daughter is marrying you! You are such a tool!"

"And you're crazy, just like Rory!"

"Take that back!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"I'm older than you! When I say take that back, you take it back, Mister."

"Lorelai, I can't feel my shoulders," Michel whined.

"Shut up Michel. Now Jess, apologize right now!"

"You are spying on me in the middle of the night. Why should I apologize?"

"Because it's the polite thing to do."

"I'm closing this window."

"Are you on drugs?"

"How'd you know?"

Lorelai softened a bit. "Hard stuff?"

"Those Flintstones vitamins are so addictive. And Motrin. I'm popping those suckers all day long. I even like Rory's calcium chews. Yummy, feminine, chocolaty goodness."

"Maxi pad face!"

"Tampon user!" Michel screamed.

Lorelai looked down. "Good one Michel."

"You've officially lost it. Bye Lorelai. Take a sneak into that guy in 3Bs window. He dresses like a woman every night and makes out with a blow up doll that looks like his mom. It's a 20/20 special waiting to happen."

"Do you not love Rory?"

"Marriage is a big deal, okay?"

"I know."

"It's a lot to take in. And I needed some time to think."

"Are you calling it all off?"

"No."

"Okay."

"Tell Rory I'll call her tomorrow."

"Okay."

"Night Lorelai. Night angry non Frenchman."

And with that, Jess closed his window, turned off his lights and went into his bedroom.

"We came here for that? For him to tell you he was having commitment issues? You didn't even use the pepper spray! I bought pepper spray and it wasn't used!"

"Michel, let me down."

"You and your daughter are always sitting on my shoulders."

"Don't say that in public. It sounds like something way different."

"You're a pretty lame spy."

"He was a pretty boring target."

"Rory's marrying a cry baby."

Lorelai smiled. "I can talk about that in the toast I have to give at the wedding. Thanks for reminding me of that. That makes this night not a total wash."

"You put wrinkles in my shirt."

"I'll have it sent out for dry cleaning."

"I expect my Sexy Back Dance Area tickets by tomorrow."

* * *

Lorelai was staring at herself in the mirror. 

"Am I sexy or what, Paul Anka? A guy would be lucky to have me served to him in a really huge glass of champagne, right?"

Paul Anka just stared.

"Although, I hate getting sticky. And what if he tried to lick me? Maybe I should show less cleavage."

Paul Anka barked.

"It's just a day at the Inn. Why am I showing cleavage anyways? We have Eyebrowless Eduardo, Manuel the hot gardener, Booty Shaking Michel, and Sookie. Who is there to impress?"

Paul Anka barked again.

"I love having chats with you Paul Anka. You're a way better listener than Rory."

Rory lifted her head out from under Lorelai's comforter.

"Mom, shut up. It's 8am."

"Well you see, us normal people who don't suck blood at night and hibernate during the day have to get going before sunset."

"Then talk less while doing it. I'm trying to sleep."

"You could have slept in your own bed."

"There are monsters under it. What is that on your ankle?"

"My coffee monitoring bracelet. If I drink any coffee product, an alarm goes off."

"Does that mean you have a chip implanted in your leg?"

Lorelai shrugged. "I don't think it shot a chip in me. This is Blowhan's alcohol monitoring bracelet. I bought it off ebay the other month and adapted it for my use."

"So if you are tempted to drink coffee, you're going to have to pour alcohol in it?"

Lorelai pulled a flask out of her purse.

Rory shook her head. "You are so prepared." Then she pulled the covers back over her and put a pillow over her face.

"Don't suffocate yourself."

"Mmhmm."

Dance, Dance all of a sudden flooded the bedroom. Lorelai was puzzled. She hid her Fall Out Boy cd!

"What's that sound?"

Rory lifted her head back up. "My phone."

"That's a cheesy ring tone."

"It gets me moving."

"You've got to stop avoiding Jess."

"That's your opinion."

"He spent a week drinking and crying. So what? I spent a week purifying and crying. Not much difference."

"He cried whenever he thought about marrying me!"

"The crying was probably from the alcohol. Too bad you didn't drive up there. I bet he was super easy all week."

"I'm sure some girl other than me will love that piece of advice."

Lorelai sat down on the bed. "Come on Rory. Don't give up on him. Or this. You said…"

"I was upset and irrational. I'll be fine without Jess. I'm hot. I'm sexy. People look at me and want to tap that. I'll move on."

Lorelai raised an eyebrow. "You're still wearing the ring pop."

"It's sticky. It's stuck. And besides, I like the cherry flavor."

"It clashes will all of your outfits."

Rory grabbed her pillow and screamed into it, then pulled the pillow away and spoke. "Purple or black?"

"Huh?"

"For your maid of honor dress. What color do you want?"

Lorelai genuinely smiled and hugged Rory. "Purple. With a low cut. I want cleavage."

"What about Paris and Lane?"

"Something ugly that will make them look frumpy and manish."

"That's mean."

"I want the spotlight on me babe." Rory frowned. "Second to the bride, of course."

"Thank you."

"No problem." Lorelai picked up the phone. "Now call Jess. And remember, my bed is not a breeding ground."

"Do you ever stop with the grossness?"

"I watched a porno last night. I'm just getting dirtier as I get older. I don't even hide it anymore."

"At least it wasn't a donkey show."

"Donkey shows have so much hype, but they are such a let down."

"Only you would say that, whore."

"Bitch."

"Skank."

Lorelai thought for a moment, then stamped her foot. "Damn, I'm out of insults."

"What about the…"

Lorelai gasped. "I would never call you that!"

"I didn't mean that."

"Good, because my mother is listening in at all times and if I say _that,_ a laser will cut me in half."

"That's a weird way to go."

"Mom watches Smallville. She only knows weird." Then Lorelai shuddered. "Ew, my mom fantasizes about Superman."

"You don't know that."

"So she fantasizes about Lex Luther?"

"It'd be more up her alley."

"Evil and bald?"

"Yep."

"Great. Because of that thought I'm not going to be able to eat breakfast. My mother is making me anorexic."

"It's all part of the master plan."

"To slowly drive us insane."

"I eat my hair."

"I read from right to left."

"I'm marrying Jess."

"You win the crazy contest for today but I'll be back tonight with more crazy than you can handle."

"Planning on marrying the world's tallest midget?"

"You never know."

* * *

Jess had thrown a fry at Rory. The grease mark was still on her forehead. 

"Great, I'm going to get forehead break out. Or five head breakout. Have you noticed how big my forehead is?"

Jess smirked. "It was just one fry."

"Acne is the number one killer of young women."

"What?"

"Suicide. It leads to suicide. It makes you depressed so you off yourself. Head in oven; pills down throat; drowning in a kiddie pool."

"Can you really drown in a kiddie pool?"

"See, girls are stupid so they don't even know the right ways to off themselves."

"You just put down your whole gender."

"I slept through women's studies."

"Sookie called me," Jess stated offhandly, like it was no big deal. This was not normal "Sookie called me" Jess delivery. Normally he fell into a Gilmore rant when Sookie called. Oh my god, he had become a boy Gilmore!

Rory was curious. "And?"

"My head is going on a cake."

Rory busted into her seal like laugh, where she couldn't catch her breath the laughs were coming so fast.

"Aw, my little seal"

"Your head is going to be a cake. I'm going to eat Jess' head. Jess' stupid gelled hair is going to be in my mouth. Ha. By the way, my mom wants to know how you get your volume."

"Bath and Body conditioner."

"You shop at Bath and Body works?"

"They sell men's products!"

"What flavor do you use?"

"Cucumber melon."

"That's in the women's section."

"It gives me good hair."

"How did I not know this?"

"You never use my shower. You take air baths when staying with me."

Rory smiled. "I'm glad we got everything sorted out," then she lowered her voice to a whisper, "And I'm glad you stopped crying."

"It was allergies."

"Sure."

Jess leaned across the table and kissed Rory, mid conversation. It was a romantic gesture and very unJesslike.

Rory pulled back from the kiss, and touched her lips. That gesture, to some, would have symbolized a first kiss. But this was their 1 billionth or more kiss. She wondered why no one ever counted kisses. Oh well.

"What was that for?"

He smirked. "Just wanted to."

"That's a good enough reason, I guess. But be honest; you really just didn't want me to continue talking about your crying phase."

"Who knew how powerful a kiss was."

"So…"

"So…."

"So…."

"Want a soda?"

"Look who went and got funny."

Jess ignored the sarcasm. "What's with the so..?"

"Our shower thingy is in a week."

"Then the wedding."

"Bing Bang Boom."

"It's all happening so soon."

"Did we just do a couple rhyme?"

"I think we did."

"We're sickening."

"And you love every minute of it."

Rory leaned across the table, mimicking Jess' previous gesture. Before she pulled away, she whispered so only he could hear, "You know it."

He smiled.

"I picked our song."

"Please be Dick in a Box."

"When did you get funny? Please, tell me. Normally I laugh at your jokes for how lame they are. You've gone and found a sense of humor. If you don't stop, you'll be funnier than me. And then I'll have to kill you."

"I think if you marry a flesh eating zombie, Taylor won't even let you visit twice a year."

"I'm ignoring you and moving along the conversation. Our song is: drum roll please…"

"No."

"You're no fun. I'll tell you anyways. Just Like Honey."

"Huh."

"Why 'huh'? Why just a huh? A huh is so indifferent. Why are you being indifferent? Yay or nay? And be honest! And if you hate it, I won't love you anymore."

Jess laughed. "I just wanted to see you rant."

Rory picked up a few fries and tossed them at Jess' forehead.

Jess touched his forehead. "Oh no, a grease spot. I'm going to have a breakout."

"We better order you some proactive."

"Do it fast! Blackheads are my worst nightmare."

* * *

Lorelai was drowning her sorrows over cranberry juice at Luke's. 

It was almost closing time and no one was around, so he was her "bartender" for the night.

"What's with the cranberry juice?"

"Chylmidia. Gotta get it out of the system."

"I expected urinary tract infection; I got an STD. Wow."

"You expected me to say urinary tract infection? You hang out too much on WebMD."

"And what's with the no coffee?"

"Didn't Rory tell you about my purification?"

"After awhile, I tune you guys out."

"Well I'm purified. No more coffee."

Luke chuckled. "Yeah, right."

"I am purified! Coffee is for the people who haven't tamed the wild bull."

"Huh?"

"Calmed the spirit."

"Still not following."

"I'm not sure what it means either. Small talk is not coming so well for me tonight."

"Lack of caffeine?"

"Nope. My baby is getting married in a month. A month Luke! What am I going to do without her?"

"Jess isn't going to lock her in a castle."

"I bet she'd like that. It would be 'romantic' and not confining and controlling at all." Lorelai sighed. "Girls in love are stupid."

"Love in general is stupid."

"I hate love. Die love."

"Kill love."

"We are kind of doing that by being single."

"It's our mini protest."

"Back to me. My daughter is leaving me for a boy! We'll no longer be the Gilmore Girls."

"You said she was keeping the Gilmore name."

"It doesn't matter. She'll be married. Married people are different. They hate single people. They make fun of us and eat their cheese, and drink their bad wine and have stupid kids that only eat at Chucky Cheese."

"You love Chucky Cheese."

"Not with kids."

"So things will change. Change is good. We all have to change. If we don't evolve, we die."

"I'm not a monkey."

Luke stopped washing the coffee pots. "Look, you are her best friend, first."

Lorelai realized this was true. "I've known her longer."

"You birthed her."

"Jess didn't birth her."

"Exactly."

Lorelai rose up. "We're going to be okay because Jess didn't birth her."

"And you did."

"I'm planning the best bachelorette party ever!"

"Just don't get her arrested."

"It wouldn't be her first time on the inside. And I bet Jess would like a convict girlfriend."

Luke sighed. "At least don't let her get a tramp stamp."

"Luke Danes, how do you know about a tramp stamp?"

Caught up in the moment, Luke spilled the truth. Not a well crafted lie; the man truth that would have him mocked for eternity. "I was watching How I Met Your Mother. Barney and his brother were people cruising. I say people because his brother was gay, but actually he was in a relationship, so he wasn't looking for anyone. But Barney found a girl with a tramp stamp and his brother sat up the play for him."

Lorelai was shocked. "You watch How I Met Your Mother. Oh my god. Are you Barney? Can I be your wingman?"

"Shut up."

"This was such a gay moment."

"Oh look, I'm closed. You better go. And be safe. I hear there is a crazy man wandering the streets looking for the village idiot to kill."

Lorelai clutched her chest. "You hurt my feelings."

"Boo hoo hoo."

"I'm never coming back here!"

"Good!"

Lorelai ran out the door, then came back and stuck her head in the door. "I love when we fake fight. It gets me energized. Night!"

Luke shook his head. The things he dealt with.

* * *

**Ending Author's Notes:** I finally got to show some mad love to the awesomeness of Barney on How I Met Your Mother. That was exciting!

And STD's never stop being funny.

I hope the whole "cheating" joke of this chapter didn't rub anyone the wrong way. If I did, I can recommend a good cream that will clear that rash right up.

**Reviewers:** I really want to finish this story before school starts. Gah! I'm panicking. Can you see how panicked I am through how I type? This is pure panic typing. If I don't get it done by Saturday, it might be awhile. And I know that totally freaks you out because if you don't know how the wedding goes, how will you live. Right? I feel bad for even thinking about leaving you hanging. I'm a horrible fanfic mother.

**P.S**. - I'm totally kidding. You know I don't give a shit. But I do love you!


	10. Don't Think About the Way I Treat You

**Chapter 10: **Relax, Don't Think About the Way I Treat You**  
**

**  
Author's Note: **I was having a conversation with myself while editing this chapter as to whether I was a hit or not. Seriously. It was all internal (I get sick of talking out loud and no one saying anything back) and it was one of those moments like when an angel sits on one shoulder and a devil sits on the other. Except on one shoulder was Glenda the Good Witch and on the other was Martha Stewart. And Martha was being such a bitch, telling me that I couldn't bake and that my walls were chipped! I almost cried. I have no clue how that had anything to do with whether my story was a hit or not but I had a house dropped on Martha and decided to declare myself an official hit.

Then I freaked out and wondered if I was a hit, would I have expectations to live up to? So I scratched the hit idea, told myself I sucked and soaked in a bubble bath for three hours to make myself feel better.

**Disclaimer: **I don't take responsibility for anything that offends you in this chapter. I created another character, which was thrilling. Creating characters gives me such a rush! It's like I'm molding my own little person. I am Doctor Frankenstein, only cuter. And the chapter title comes from the song Primitive (The Way I Treat You) by Ambulance LTD. Awesome song.

* * *

Lorelai turned on the lights in the kitchen. 

There was Sookie, sitting in the dark, frosting the table and crying.

Lorelai rubbed her eyes. She was in her pajamas. It was 4am. This was unnatural. "It's 4 in the morning. Why did you call me?"

When Sookie didn't answer, she walked closer. She was furiously frosting the table.

Lorelai grabbed her hand and the bowl. "Stop frosting the table."

"I dropped Jess' head."

Lorelai was confused. "You what?"

"I was moving the cakes from there," Sookie pointed to the counter, "to here and I dropped Jess. His head went everywhere. His bird killing hair splattered all over the floor. Look at the icing spots. Stick your finger in them. Our floor taste like Jess."

"I think that's just butter cream."

"No it's Jess! I had made him into a cake. Rory is just fine. Her face is just fine and bridey. But not Jess. I killed the groom. I killed Jess."

"Flesh Jess is still alive, I'm sure."

"I am a failure. Imagine what I'll do to their wedding cake. I'll probably accidentally stick dynamite in it and when they cut it, it will explode all over them and then I will have killed the bride and groom, the flesh them, with cake!"

"It'll be the cake massacre of 08."

"They should take away my pastry license."

"Do they really hand those out? Do you have a license to carry a piping bag in public?"

Sookie ignored her. "How am I going to explain to Jess that I dropped his face?"

"Just sit a mirror with a little frosting on it beside Rory's head. No one will know the difference."

"A mirror is reflective."

"Exactly!"

"People will try to eat it and choke on glass."

"Who would eat a mirror?"

"Then how is it possible they don't know the difference?"

"I don't know. It seemed logical at the moment."

Sookie started pacing the floor. "The shower is tomorrow night! I'll never be able to put Jess back together again!"

"Maybe he had a harder outer shell than Humpty Dumpty."

"He is butter cream and cake! Cake! The weakest of the weak."

"I hear soufflé is more sensitive."

Sookie started realizing how crazy this all was. "Oh my god. It's 4 am and I called you, about cake. I bet you hate me now."

"There will be a voodoo doll made and pictures burned."

"Am I uninvited to the shower?"

"The whole town is invited. I'll be drunk by 8. There is no way I could keep you out."

"You could hire big, scary men to guard the grass."

"Bouncers?"

Sookie looked down. "If that's what you feel you need to do, I'll understand."

"What I need to do is sleep."

"Oh! Go back home! Go to bed!"

"Stop being so excited. It's too early for excitement."

"I'm swallowing the key."

Lorelai walked toward the door. "Night, Sookie."

"I'll fix this! I promise."

* * *

"Why do you sound so distracted?" 

"No reason," Lorelai barely choked out, then grunted.

Rory heard a bang and Lorelai yelped. "You just yelped and grunted," Rory changed her voice to a whisper, "Oh my god, are you? While you're talking to me?"

Lorelai scrunched up her face. "No way! I'm not that dirty. I'm doing yoga."

"You're voluntarily doing physical exercise?"

"My body is a temple. I must treat it that way. You don't get a second temple."

"So let me get this straight; first you give up coffee. Now you are doing exercise. Oh my god, have you started jogging?"

"A few brisk walks here and there. Did you know I can train for a marathon in six months?"

"That's sick. You will kill yourself. Do you know how lucky you are to not have dropped dead from a heart attack just from the brisk walks?"

"Have you ever tried brussel sprouts? They are very green."

"You're eating vegetables?"

"They are the colors of the earth. The fruit of the earth. We must appreciate what comes from the ground."

"Are you high?"

"Exercise produces natural endorphins to make you feel like you are high. If you run, you develop what they call runners high. Exercise is a drug! How awesome, right?"

"Not awesome. You are becoming one of them."

"One of whom?"

"The freaky people who care about their bodies."

"I bet Jess would appreciate you even more if you tightened up."

"I am tight enough!"

"Suit yourself. You'll just never know how good it feels to look hot in bike shorts."

"Oh yeah, speaking of modes of transportation, I found the Jeep!"

"Where?"

"It's on e-bay."

"No way."

"Chanel Princess has it up for bid."

"No way."

"I know, such an obvious name, right? And listen to her description, 'I found this car in my driveway. After weeks of painstakingly trying to find the owner and with no luck, I decided to use the worldwide web as a tool. Now if you are the original owner of this car, I still expect a full payment. And if you're not, I don't know why you would want to own such a contraption. It's a death trap and an embarrassment to have on the road. Who makes cars like this? Who buys cars like this? Are you blind? Do you not realize how embarrassing it is? At least it isn't adorned with stupid bumper stickers talking about your child being on the honor roll and saving trees. I hate this green movement. Anyways, it's a Jeep. And it's an ugly shade of ugly. Enjoy looking at the pictures I took.' And get this, in one of the pictures, it's floating in the pool being attacked by a plastic shark!"

"I knew it!"

"I didn't know they had plastic sharks."

"They use them to fight off the plastic people."

"Can you believe she stole our car? She's rich!"

"She's evil. She wants to take over the world and eat small children soup," Lorelai paused, still in semi shock, "She doesn't know how important this car is to me! She doesn't know how much trouble Luke and Gypsy and the universe went to so I could keep the original. It's my baby. Without it, I am nothing but a woman with a nice ass and a talking dog."

"Paul Anka doesn't talk."

"Why is that the one thing you comment on in my heartfelt rant?"

"Sorry. So do we buy it back?"

"Can't we just steal it back? I'm really stealth."

"She probably has it locked away and covered in kryptonite."

"As long as Steely Dan isn't playing in the background, I can make it in there."

"God Steely Dan sucks."

"I know. Can you believe they still exist?"

"It's criminal."

Lorelai sighed. "My car is being held hostage by Sultan Gilmore."

"This is low, even for her."

"She is trying to seek some weird revenge on me for letting you marry the boy who has an attic full of porn and dead bodies."

"I'll make a bid for you, mom. I've got some cash kept away for emergencies."

Lorelai shook her head to the phone. "No. We'll play her game. We'll be seeing her tomorrow night. Oh boy, will it be a fun night."

"I'll try to keep your alcohol to food ratio equal."

"Thanks. Tequila on an empty stomach will result in me making out with my hand and then all credibility is out the window."

* * *

Rory had a hold of Lorelai's hand and was dragging her toward somewhere. See, it was somewhere because Rory would not reveal where they were going until they arrived because she didn't want Lorelai throwing a fit. 

"I wore heels! There is no support! I don't have gel inserts in."

"You should wear maxi pads on your feet."

"You wear maxi pads in your shoes?"

"No. Jess does."

Lorelai couldn't control her laughter. It poured out of her body. She writhed. She shook. She almost choked on nothing but laughter.

Rory turned toward her, hands on hips, "What's so funny?"

Lorelai tried to gain her composure. "Nothing. Nothing at all," then she burst into laughter again, but this time had something to say, "It's just, why? Why would Jess want to even be near feminine products, much less wearing them? Does he not know what their purpose is and where they go? Did he skip health class because he was too busy whacking off?"

"He had some weird growth on his foot…"

"A second head. Continue."

"And it hurt, so I gave him one of my light day's pads to wear. They are sticky, so they stay stuck and are comfortable."

"Because they are super absorbent."

"It's not that funny."

"Are the wings comfortable for him? Do they cup his food like a winged angel should? Oh, oh! Is he ovulating right now?"

"You're sick."

"Well if he was, you'd know it might be time to stick a baby in there. And I bet having two bitches in the house gets annoying after awhile, huh?"

"We were two bitches."

"Yes but I just locked you in your room for the week, so we didn't have to interact during bitchy times." Lorelai stopped when she saw that where they had been headed was the stupid town bridge they spent twenty years raising money to restore. "Why are we standing on the bridge of nothingness?"

Rory smiled. "This is where I want Jess and I to get married."

"This very spot? Or could we take a picture, blow it up and have you stand on it?"

"I'm serious. It's kind of our place."

"Your place? Did you realize how cheesy that sounded before or after you said that?"

She slapped her mom on the arm. "This is a big moment for us and you're ruining it!"

"Sorry. But this is not a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Where are people going to sit?"

"On the edge of the bridge."

"Right. And once three people arrive, it collapses and we're having a water wedding. What are you, Little Mermaid now or something?"

"I hate the Little Mermaid."

"I know you do. That's why this plan doesn't make sense."

"This is the only place in Stars Hollow Jess likes."

"Then don't get married in Stars Hollow."

"But I wanna," Rory whined.

"Stop whining. It's not attractive," Lorelai sighed. "So, are people going to sit in trees?"

"We could build tree houses."

"Rory, be serious! We are on a bridge!"

"People can just stand around."

"While you get married surrounded by your closest friends and swans."

Rory chuckled. "Jess hates swans."

Lorelai perked up a bit. "Really?"

"They are his number one fear. He squeals like a little girl when he sees them. One time at the lake he hid behind me. Me! I'm half his size and he is like Christian Bale in American Psycho size anyways."

"You know what; a bridge wedding is sounding better and better."

"And you could do all the decorating."

"Oh joy. Bliss. Happiness."

"Michel would hate it."

Lorelai smiled. "He would throw a fit and suck his thumb."

"Grandma would throw a fit."

"She would kill me."

"You'd die disappointing her."

She stepped forward and hugged Rory. "Rory Gilmore, you're a genius."

"I know."

"You're cordially invited to join Jess Mariano and Rory Gilmore on the bridge of nothingness to commit their lives to each other surrounded by swans and swamp land."

"That was beautiful."

"I'm tearing just thinking about it."

Rory pulled away. "Wow that was a long hug."

"It was a long hug kind of moment."

Rory and Lorelai stepped back and stared around.

"A bridge wedding."

"It's so very trailer park."

"I'm white trash."

Lorelai smiled. "I love it."

* * *

Jess put on his pouty face. "Please let me take off the crown." 

"You're my king. You can not take off your crown. A queen needs her king."

"For sexual favors. Not to wear a crown."

"And to wave. Wave to your adoring crowd." Rory grabbed Jess' hand and helped him wave the all popular Queen wave. "You looked like the Queen of England."

"You don't find it at all weird that I looked like a Queen?"

"I love Queens."

Jess rolled his eyes. "Oh brother."

Rory kissed his cheek, rubbing his face with her hand. "You're so cute when you're frustrated."

"I must really love you."

"Come on babe, enjoy the party! They even played you a Journey song and the punch is just nasty enough to be awesome."

"I do not like Journey."

"Then I guess I'll be tossing the Greatest Hits disk that somehow ended up under our bed."

"You really do hold all the power."

"I love to dominate you."

Jess blushed. "Miss Gilmore, not in public."

"So formal now, are we? Sounds like someone's been reading a little too much Jane Austen."

Jess tried to change the topic from this per usual embarrassing conversation. "Oh look, another gift! I hope it's another toaster. I just love toast."

"Yay! I love gifts. Getting, not giving. Who likes giving stuff?"

"Santa Claus? Prostitutes? You before you became bitter and cynical and my fiancée?"

"Ew, some of you wore off of me. I need to go wash it off."

"I can help you with that later," Jess smirked.

"Mr. Mariano, not in public."

"Doesn't that gift need to be opened?"

"Oh yes!" Rory ripped into the small package, which was a plain brown box. When she opened the box, there was only an envelope.

"Someone sending you love letters?"

"Calm down. You don't have to punch anyone yet. Let me open it first."

Rory opened the letter and read it aloud, "To Rory and Jess. From Taylor.

Against my better judgment, I let this unholiest of unions continue. And now here we are, a month away from the wedding (Rory, you can still get out now). And what I think I can give you is my advice on love.

Divorce is a fashionable thing to do. It is normal to be married for a year, then divorce. I wouldn't be surprised if you two's marriage dissolved and all was left were some silly books and a innocent child, who had been corrupted by Jess' juvenile ways and who was impossible to control because of Rory using drugs during the pregnancy (I'm watching you two! My town is a drug free town!) So I recommend complete celibacy during the marriage. Sure the media pressures you to consummate your love on your first night together but true love can survive without intercourse. Avoid intercourse, and you avoid contracting something from all the easy women Jess will see and from having a crack addled child who is rebellious and uncontrollable like Jess was.

Good luck and I'll be at the wedding. I'm sure it will be beautiful!

Best Wishes,

Taylor"

"I guess we're not having sex on the wedding night." Jess faked sad eyes.

"We must make small sacrifices for our hypothetical crack addled child."

"But everything but?"

"What Taylor doesn't know won't hurt him. We just can't tape it."

"Or if we do, I promise not to upload it on you tube."

"We don't have any baby making music anyway. Who has sex without baby making music?"

Jess smiled. "I bought a Barry White cd."

"I don't know if I'll be able to control myself then."

"Our poor crack addled child."

"We'll just send it to boarding school."

"Perfect solution." Jess leaned in and kissed her.

* * *

Lorelai gagged. "They've been doing that the entire time. It's disgusting." 

Sookie swooned, "They're in love."

"PDA is so gross."

"You're just saying that because it's Rory and Jess."

"They're unnatural."

"I thought you supported this."

"I do. I'm just cranky. My mom put the Jeep on e-bay."

"Your mother has a pay pal account?"

"I know! You'd think those would seem dirty and unwashed to her or something like that. She'd at least think Japanese business men used e-bay to find high class call girls."

"I put myself on e-bay once."

"As a high class call girl?"

"No. I needed to get to LA. This really nice group of hippies picked me up. But I can't remember that weekend at all. Oh frak! We're out of oysters."

Lorelai shivered. "I hate swallowing those things."

"They're a natural aphrodisiac."

"That's what guys say about other things too."

"Lorelai!"

"What?"

"People are eating."

"Look around Sookie. Everyone is drunk. Kirk is hitting on that tree over there. I think he's gotten to at least second base. Whoa. He just definitely got to third. Maybe home."

Sookie yelled over, "Kirk put that away! This is a public place."

Out of the corner of her eye, Lorelai noticed her parents coming her way. Her eye began to twitch. This always happened when Emily was around.

"Sookie, hide me!"

"What? Lorelai, get out from under the tables. People will hear you talking and think the food has come to life. Lore..,"

Emily had tapped Sookie on the shoulder. When Sookie whipped around, she realized why Lorelai had taken cover.

"Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Gilmore. Thanks so much for coming!"

Richard smiled. "That's quite a spread you have there, Sookie."

"I always make too much. It's a problem. I just cook and cook and then I end up surrounded by food. Lorelai once said…ow! Stop that!"

"Are you okay?" Richard was always uneasy around this one. He loved her food but was sure she talked to it and that frightened him.

"Yes. I have random fits…ow! See. I can't control when I say ow."

"How did that occur?"

"I dropped a turkey on my face. I now stutter and scream ow. Ow!"

"Have you seen Lorelai?" Emily asked.

"Bathroom. Definitely the bathroom. But Rory and Jess are over there on their thrones."

"Yes, we see."

Emily began her always reliable rant. "This is all very over the top. Some might say a little flashy. Maybe even trashy and not understated. Understated is the way to go, you know. If they would have let me plan this event…"

Richard grabbed Emily's arm. "Come along Emily. I'm sure Sookie has shrimp to talk to. Let's go say hi to Rory."

"I should have planned this event!" Emily screamed, being pulled away like a mental patient.

Once the Gilmore's had vanished, Lorelai stuck her head out from under the tablecloth.

"Thanks Sookie."

"You have got to stop hitting me."

"You said my name!"

"I referenced you!"

"Emily has a keen sense. She'd sense I was around if you said my name."

"Like a dolphin?" Sookie giggled to herself. "Emily Gilmore is Flipper. Lorelai, do your dolphin impression! It's so funny."

"Dolphins have keen sense?"

"I think. Or maybe it's dogs. They both start with D and sometimes I get confused! Oh we're out of fruit. Who knew people would eat fruit? Watermelon is horrifying. All the seeds! Got to run! Do the dolphin for me when I get back!"

Lorelai noticed Emily and Richard standing in front of Rory and Jess.

"Oy vey. The fan is blowing and the shit is hitting us all in the face. I better go get some wet naps."

* * *

Jess leaned toward Rory, whispering, "I didn't know your grandparents were coming." 

Rory smiled. "I didn't want to freak you out."

"Oh right. I forgot that when things are randomly sprung on me, I perform much better."

"Did you need to practice for this moment?"

"I had made conversation cards."

"Conversation cards? That's so geeky I want to kiss you for it."

"That's the angle I was going for."

"If I didn't love you so much, I'd kick your ass."

"Oh really now, would you? I'd like to see that."

"I could have you pinned so fast you wouldn't know what happened. Attack of the Rory!"

Jess interlaced his hands with hers. "I'd like that."

"Would you?"

"Yes, I would."

"Huh."

"That's my line."

"Is it okay if I borrow it?"

"It sounds better coming from your mouth anyways."

Rory leaned in to kiss him when they both heard a loud clearing of the throat. She pulled back, knowing who it was.

Emily and Richard Gilmore.

Rory put on a fake smile. "Hi Grandma. Hi Grandpa. I'd come down there, but I'm the Queen so I'm supposed to look down on everyone the entire night."

Emily grumbled, "Jess thinks he's above us too? I'd like to kick that little weasel's ass or hire someone to."

"What was that Grandma?"

"Nothing. So, this is Jess."

"This is Jess."

"I am Jess."

"I believe we've established that."

"Emily."

"Don't call me off Richard. I was just telling the boy that I realized the first time."

"It's good to finally put a face with a name. Nice to meet you Jess."

"A face with a name? Rory, you gave them a picture of me?"

"No. Grandpa, how do you know what Jess looks like?"

"Oh. Your Grandmother has a picture of him. I assumed you gave it to her. It's quite blurry and he is wearing sunglasses."

"The picture doesn't do him justice."

Rory tousled his hair. "He is adorable."

"That's not what I meant," Emily growled.

"Oh. So. Nice weather we're having?" Rory was panicking. This was her worst nightmare.

Jess was searching for a conversation piece. "How about them Sox."

"We hate the Red Sox." Emily blurted.

Richard laughed. "I didn't know you were an avid baseball fan, Emily."

"I keep up with my sports."

"How do you feel about basketball?" Jess asked, faking interest.

"The men are too tall and they're hands and feet are freakishly big."

Rory giggled.

"What's so funny Rory?"

"Nothing Grandma. Absolutely nothing."

"Does Jess have big feet and hands?"

Jess and Rory tried to control their laughter, leaving a very confused Richard and Emily below them.

Emily was becoming agitated. "I don't see how this is in the least bit funny! You two stop laughing this very instant! When I stay stop, it means stop!"

Richard grabbed her arm. "Let's go to the bar and get a drink. We can mingle."

"With these people, Richard? They will infect us with something! This town is diseased! And I am sick of being treated like the outcast in it when they should be polishing my shoes and bowing down to me."

* * *

Lorelai knew it was time to grow a backbone and go confront her mother. 

She jogged over, spilling her martini but not caring after hearing what was coming out of her mother's mouth. When her mother saw her, the rant switched toward her.

"Lorelai, why are you jogging? You hate physical exercise! And you are spilling your martini. That is wasteful. And could you have picked a lower cut dress? Your daughter is getting married and you are putting it out there like it's for sale and you hope someone will buy it."

"Emily!"

"Grandma, enough!"

"Guys, I've got this. Mom, this is between you and me and you know it, so let's get it out. Right here, right now."

"No, this is about that boy you are letting Rory marry. He has made her into a little brat. She treats me like I am below her and like her grandfather and I didn't pay for her to go through Chilton and part of Yale or do anything for her. I will not be treated like that and I will not let a boy into this family that does not respect me. And I will not let Rory become pregnant with his misfit children."

"You don't approve of Jess. We all get it. We've had it beat into our heads every time we've talked for the past few months. But guess what? Jess isn't going anywhere unless something falls from the sky and kills him right now. This would probably be your doing, so drop any 'How to kill Jess' plans. I've got you figured out."

"I can't believe you didn't let us meet this boy until now!"

"You're crazy! You stalked us around town! Why would I let you anywhere near him?"

"It's not your choice to make."

"You're right, it's not. And Jess was dying to meet you so you could tell him how worthless he is. That makes people feel so good about themselves. Sorry if I kept Jess away so he wouldn't punch you."

"See, he is violent and you are letting this happen!"

"It's funny how you keep saying I am letting this happen. Why can't I get it into your head that I don't control Rory like you tried and failed to control me?"

"So you're saying you've never been married or let me plan you a wedding shower because I suffocated you and loved you too much? Sorry for being a mother."

"God, when will this argument end?"

"When you admit you pushed me away!"

"Because I couldn't breathe!"

"And look, you have the perfect relationship with Rory. Rory is getting married, you approve, the boy likes you and she let you be involved and didn't hide things from you."

"Because I love her unconditionally with no strings attached."

"I don't need to listen to this. Come on Richard, we're leaving."

"But the scotch," Richard whined.

"Now Richard."

"Fine."

As Emily was walking away, Lorelai yelled, "And I know it was you that stole my car, Chanel Princes. FYI, you aren't a princess! You are an evil, evil woman. I can't believe you stole my car! I want it back! NOW! And if I don't get it back, I'm coming to your house with a bucket of water. Not even your flying monkeys can save you from my wrath this time, mom!"

* * *

Richard walked in front of a very shell shocked Rory and Jess and handed them an envelope. "Sorry about the scene. I can't say if I approve of this match or not, because I don't really know you Jess," he gave Rory a look, "but I don't want you living in a box in LA eating dog food and using psychedelics. Have a nice party Rory. You look happy." 

"I am Grandpa. Thank you."

"And Jess, do you play golf?"

"I dabble virtually."

"He is addicted to being Tiger Woods on his Playstation. He has Playstation hands. Look."

Richard chuckled. "So this Playstation. Do old men use them?"

"Luke never really has gotten the hang of it. He always cuts his own head off in mortal combat." Richard's smile fell and Rory nudged Jess. "But I'm sure you could learn."

"Virtual golf. This will be a new experience for me."

Rory smiled. "So it's a date."

"I'll need to buy one of these Playstations, but yes, a date."

"Richard! The car now!"

Richard walked toward the car, waving bye to the oddly happy couple. He stopped at Lorelai. "Sorry, Lorelai. She doesn't mean half of what she says."

"I try to ignore the crazy."

"This is a very nice party."

"Thank you."

"And Rory is perfect."

"That's what I hear."

"You did well."

"Thanks, dad"

"And I'll find a way to get you your Jeep back."

Lorelai smiled weakly, and just shook her head at the ridiculousness of this situation.

"I'm not calling again Richard! One more minute of waiting and I am driving this car into the food table!"

"Go dad. It's okay."

Lorelai turned back to Rory and Jess.

Rory smiled.

She smiled back. She looked down at her martini glass. Far too empty for a night like this.

* * *

Jess finally breathed. "So, that was your grandparents." 

"What did you think?"

"She didn't shoot me in the face."

"That's what you were expecting?"

"I had nightmares."

"My poor baby. At least you still have your face."

"And what a cute face it is."

Rory smiled. "I'm so happy you don't have grandparents."

"Actually…"

"Actually what?"

"There is Nana Mariano."

"Nana Mariano?"

"Yeah. And she hates you."

"Hates me? I'm cute and lovable and housetrained. And I read!"

"Yeah I told her you were like a puppy. But she doesn't trust women."

"But she's a woman."

"She's a Jewish woman. Big difference."

"So if I learn about Hanukah and Passover and the torah and make those potato things, she'll like me?"

"Probably not."

"Is she coming tonight?"

Jess looked down. "Well there is a possibility…"

Rory slapped him. "A possibility and you didn't prepare me? Oh my god. I'm breaking into sweat. My makeup is going to run!" She continued hitting him.

"Hey, hey, stop that! I can feel that, you know!"

"Why did you tell her I wasn't Jewish?" She spat out between hits.

"Because that would be lying and one does not lie to Nana Mariano," Jess paused, "Besides, it's obvious you aren't a chosen one."

"I'm not special?"

"Not to the Jews."

* * *

Lorelai ran over to the bar. "Where's the bartender?" 

Luke took a sip of his beer. "He quit when Kirk started grabbing at him."

"Great. Kirk felt up my bartender and now I have no alcohol God to suck up to."

Luke reached behind the bar, grabbed a beer and handed it to her.

"You can do that?"

"I don't see a sign saying I'm not allowed."

"There isn't a sign at your diner but you don't let me behind the counter."

"That's because I could run into you and burn you with coffee. Or you could slip and break you face and sue me. And you'd be in my way and that annoys me. I need my space to serve."

Lorelai smirked.

"Just enjoy your beer."

"Got it." She took a sip. "So you came."

"Figured I should support Rory and Jess."

"They look happy, huh?"

"It's disgusting."

"But in a good way, right? I'm trying to convince myself it's a disgusting good."

"It's a sickening good."

"Good." Lorelai paused, then had a thought. "How hard can it be to be a bartender? I've got personality! I've got spunk! I can make a mean mojito. I've got Cuban flair."

"No."

Lorelai smiled, walked behind the counter and smirked. "Call me Vulva."

"Seriously?"

"I'm a little tipsy. I should probably pick a new name."

"Before you get arrested for sexual harassment, preferably."

"Okay. Call me Buttery Baby."

"Afraid it might get around Lorelai was bartending and your reputation will be ruined?"

"My mother thinks bartending is a deplorable profession for the showy. She hated Cocktail and still is disturbed by Tom Cruise because of it."

"I'm just disturbed by Tom Cruise."

"Too much nutty for you?"

"I stopped watching Top Gun after I realized he probably was a having a baby to eat it."

"That's sick!"

"I might have had one too many beers. After I saw your parents, I went to shock and started drinking."

"They're gone."

"I saw."

"But not before we put on a show for the crowd."

"Well I'm sure there will be another show in a matter of minutes."

"Why? Got some inside scoop?"

"Nana Mariano is coming."

"Who?"

"Jess' grandmother. And she hates Rory."

"That's not possible. Rory rides unicorns and talks to trees."

"She's Jewish."

"Ah, a Jewish thing. They are so uppity about being the chosen ones." Lorelai sighed. "I better start throwing back the margaritas now."

"I'm sure Nana Mariano will love a drunk, unmarried woman."

"I'm here to impress."

"You never let me down."

Lorelai smiled and turned on the blender, yelling, "Margs all around!"

* * *

"My mom is getting drunk." 

"Luke probably told her about Nana Mariano."

Rory started hitting Jess again. "I can't believe you didn't give me time to make conversation cards! Or to study to the Jewish people! I never took a Jewish religion class!"

"Ah ha, I'm not the only one who makes conversation cards."

"I hate you."

Rory's slap fest was suddenly interrupted.

"Jessie, what are you doing that high up? Come down here and give your Grandma a hug!"

Standing below them was a tiny woman who looked like she could take on Cojo.

"Nana! I didn't know if you would come."

"And miss out on meeting the famous Rory, no way! Come down here!"

Jess stepped down and gave the Nana a hug. "Nana, this is Rory."

"I figured, unless you'd found another tramp to shack up with and decided why not marry her and break your poor Nana's heart."

"Nana." Jess said, in a warning tone.

The Nana pulled on his cheeks. "Oh, little Jessie, you know I'm kidding. Now where is the bar? Get me a drink so I can have some time to talk to Rory."

"Do you really think that's safe?"

"You're right; she is quite little. Don't worry; I won't intimidate her too much. Now go Jessie, get me a drink!"

Jess mouthed sorry to a much panicked Rory and went to the bar.

The Nana looked up at Rory. "Too good to come down here to talk to me or are you afraid?"

"Afraid."

"At least you're honest. That's one thing you've got going for you. And you're not blonde. I hated those blonde girls he dated. Blonde and tan. It was like he was trying to break my heart."

"Jess loves you to death. He only has the nicest things to say about you. I'm sure he wasn't trying to break your heart."

The Nana smiled. "You're lying. And Jess has nothing nice to say about me. I'm mean, overbearing, and intrusive and set in my ways. And I wanted him to marry a nice, wholesome, virtuous Jewish girl. I've had nothing nice to say about you. I'm sure he has said little to nothing about me."

"Wow. You're honest."

"Why pretend to like someone? You don't like me and I don't like you. It's fair."

"I don't know you."

"I'm an old woman. What could we possibly have in common?"

"I like bingo. I was in the DAR. I know how to make tuna salad."

"Are you always this flighty? Jimmy said you were supposed to be smart. I'm not seeing it. He said you went to Yale. Were you a janitor there? I can't see your little hands ever working a day in their life, but there is no way you graduated from there."

"I graduated in 2007!"

"And you've been living off your Grandparents money ever since? Drinking, partying, and making a criminal record for yourself?"

"How do you know about my Grandparents?"

"Google dear! I might live in a nursing home but that doesn't mean I'm locked away in a meat freezer, dying slowly! You wouldn't believe the sex I've had. Do you and Jess have sex a lot?"

Rory blushed. "Um, well…"

"No need to lie. You seem like the type who gives out the milk early on, praying to keep the boy interested since you don't have much more to offer. Pretending you're pregnant? Got my poor Jessie marrying you under false pretenses?"

"I have a job! I don't need Jess to support me!"

"So my Jessie isn't good enough for you?"

"I never said that!"

"But you think that, right? That he is 'lucky' to have you? I hear you live in the Big Apple. Probably think you're hot stuff, huh? Seeing another boy on the side?"

"I'm not a whore! Oh my god, you're like a big, Jewish bitch sent by Moses to make me cry!"

"I'm an old woman. Don't raise your voice. I might have a heart attack."

"The world would be better without you!"

"Oh, a feisty one. I bet your children will be just wonderful little monsters, seeing the parenting skills you were brought up with."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

The Nana pointed toward the bar. "Look at your mother. She is playing Miss Bartender, kicking back the liquor and dancing around like some Go-Go dancer. I bet she was a marvelous parent."

Rory groaned. "Leave my mother out of this. I'm surprised your children didn't kill themselves. Or better yet, kill you!"

Jess showed up just in time to hear Rory scream "kill you" and broke in on the conversation, "Whoa, whoa, what's going on here?"

"Your little whore got upset."

"Nana!"

"Jessie, I am just being honest. She's not Jewish. She's not a virgin. Her mother is playing bartender. And she has a criminal record."

"It was only a yacht!" Rory squealed.

"She's a little rich girl! Why couldn't you have found yourself a nice Jewish girl, Jessie?"

Jess shoved her drink in her hand. "Why did you come here if you weren't going to at least pretend to support me?"

"My honesty is the one trait you used to adore about me."

"Not when it comes to Rory."

"You want me to lie about Rory?"

"Yes!"

"What kind of name is Rory, anyways?"

"It's a name! I don't want some Jewish girl! I want Rory!"

"I can't believe you're yelling at your Nana over a girl."

"She's Rory. She's not just any girl."

"I'm not coming to the wedding."

"Good! I'd probably end up pushing you in the lake."

"Jessie!"

"Nana!"

"She's really what you want?"

"Yeah."

"Fine, then. Break a poor Jewish woman's heart."

"Repetitive much?"

The Nana smiled. "Always a smartass."

"Just like you."

"Could never deny you were my grandson."

"I haven't known you for that long."

"I had a feeling you'd be sarcastic and bitter. All Jews are. I think it's because of the eyebrows and Woody Allen."

Jess chuckled and hugged his Nana. "Thanks for coming."

"I'll be at the wedding."

"I know."

"You better have a chuppa."

"I'm on it," Rory said, weakly.

"I still don't like you."

"I don't like you either."

"What a little spitfire."

"She's my spitfire."

"You two are sickenly in love."

"That's what we hear."

The Nana looked around the town. "God I hate coming north. Why do people want to live somewhere that is snows?"

"It's August, Nana."

"There are still mittens in that store front!"

"Mittens bother you? Are the scarves giving you a rash?"

"I don't get why you ever left west, Jessie. The beaches. The sand." The Nana sighed, then motioned toward the bar. "I'm going to meet the bartender mother."

"She'll sing you a song while she serves you."

The Nana rolled her eyes. "I'm thrilled."

* * *

"So that was the Nana." 

Rory stepped down and Jess enveloped her in a hug.

"Yep. The Nana. What did you think?"

"Horrifying. Mean. Caustic. Bitchy. But the perfect Nana for you."

"This shower has been crazy. Did you see my cake? It was a mirror."

"Kirk tried to eat himself. He cut his tongue."

"Could this night get any weirder?"

Rory blinked, then noticed her dad making his way toward the couple.

"I think it just did." Rory pulled out of Jess' grasp.

"What?"

She began stumbling backwards. "My dad."

Jess looked up. "Oh."

Chris uttered one word. He was glaring at Jess. "You!"

"Me?"

"Yeah you! Don't play dumb with me! You marrying my daughter?"

"If I live through the night, yes."

"Well good. She can't die an old maid, am I right?" Chris broke out into an uproarious laughter, confusing both Rory and Jess.

"And Rory doesn't like cats, so she can't be forced to surround herself with cats." Chris extended out his hand. Jess didn't shake. "My man, shake my hand. You're marrying my daughter!"

Jess turned to Rory. "Is it safe?"

"I don't have herpes, shake my hand!"

"I think you better."

Jess shook it and Chris pulled him into a hug. "You smell good. What cologne do you use?"

"Um, um…"

"Dad, stop hitting on Jess. How long have you been here?"

"About an hour. Your mom is an excellent bartender."

"Mom knows you're here?"

"Probably not. She's just pouring and drinking. She is calling herself Buttery Baby and Princess Di depending on the hour. She makes a mean marg."

"Right."

Chris stepped back and smiled. "You two are going to have the cutest kids! Congratulations!"

"Thanks," they both uttered, weakly.

"Well I'll let you too get back to smooching. Just wanted to say hi to my kid. Hi kid!"

"Hi dad."

"Bye kid!"

"Bye dad."

Chris left Rory and Jess to go terrorize someone else and most likely, sexually harass Luke. When he was drunk, he went gay.

"You're dad is so drunk."

"My mom is topless."

Jess jerked his head. "What?"

Rory smacked his head. "I can't believe you looked."

"She's not topless."

"Duh! I wouldn't be standing here if she was. But I can't believe you looked!"

"Instinct reaction. I didn't want to. Honestly. Animal instinct. When men hear topless, they can't help what they do."

"You're sick."

"And you love it."

Rory smiled. "Kiss me you fool."

"Now that was lame."

"I'm a little tipsy. I've lost my cool mojo."

"Sweet. Things are going to be easier tonight!"

Rory swatted at him. "Jess!"

"Kidding."

He leaned in and gave her one of his specialty world stopping, love you to death kisses. She loved these because they made her feel like the only girl in the universe.

Rory pulled away, leaning her forehead against his. "Kirk is streaking."

"My god, how do you say that without passing out?"

"I'm still trying to regain feeling in my legs and catch my breath."

"It was a good kiss."

"So Kirk's naked, my mom is a bartender and Sookie is making out with her cakes. I say this night was a success."

"We got four toasters. Any night I get four toasters I'm a happy boy."

* * *

Rory and Lorelai were stumbling around the square wearing gloves, carrying big black trash bags. 

"The sun, so bright. My face, feels so hairy. I think I have backne."

"From drinking?"

"I'm so much more sensitive after purification."

"People are such pigs."

"I know! Look at all this trash. And all these panties."

"Who took off their panties?"

"Were Bon Jovi here?"

"They might have dropped by briefly."

"And you didn't tell me? I wore my panties while Bon Jovi was here? Bad daughter!"

"Kidding!"

"Oh. Man, I'm taking everything literal today. Must be from the hairy face."

"You need to shave, Chewy."

"I will, Han Solo."

"I do not look like a man."

"You do when I am mad at you."

Rory looked up. "Ew, Kirk is up in the tree."

"Naked."

"Sick."

"I wouldn't go near that tree. He got off on that tree."

"Thinking about Kirk masturbating with a tree was not on the agenda for today."

"I'm never drinking again."

"Liar."

"Okay, I'm never drinking on the job again."

"I'm never picking up trash again."

"I thought you'd be a pro at this activity."

"So does Nana Mariano."

"Nana Mariano was awesome. She's my new drinking buddy."

"At least she likes one of us," Rory mumbled.

"Oh she hates me. She told me I like to spread my legs for the postman to get my mail earlier. That's why I love her"

"You're twisted."

Lorelai bent over when she noticed something shiny. "Oh look, a nickel!"

"And you're three."

* * *

**Ending Author's Note: **If there was a cage fight, and the loser doesn't live, between Nana Mariano and Emily Gilmore, who would win? Maybe they should throw down in the middle of the wedding, cause the swans to freak out and attack Jess again and he'll piss his pants because it's like Nam syndrome and the flashbacks make him do crazy things. Just an idea I'm throwing out for the wedding. The wedding isn't the next chapter, but I'm drained for an opener, so anything that comes to mind I just start rapping about like it could actually happen. 

**Reviewers:** If you all banded together, you could take on all the sappy stories on here and their reviewers. It could be very 300, except we wouldn't die at the end. We'd put up our shields and totally kick ass. Now I'm not saying I'm calling out all the other stories on here for a little underground fight club, but if they happened to show up let's say, around 8 o'clock tomorrow down at the mall parking lot, I might just be there with my dance moves and my crew. Oh and my keyboard! I don't go anywhere without it. The sound of typing makes people shake with fear.

Anyways, we're obviously edging closer to the end. Now when the end comes, I have no clue. I try to motivate myself to write, but then I see a postman and I have to chase him. I hope you enjoyed this chapter though. It was fun. Fun like Fridays! Which is today! And Friday is not canceled! Yay!**

* * *

**


	11. I Want to Tear You Apart

**Chapter 11:** I Want to Tear You Apart

**Author's Note:** When I was checking out the word count for this chapter (yes I know that sounds very Paris Hilton), I realized this is the wordiest chapter I've penned, so far. But I'm not surprised, considering I stuffed it full of goodies. Just buckle up and close the door, cause we are taking this thing to 88 and going into the future.

**Warning:** There are some not Teen friendly words in this chapter. But don't freak; it's for comic effect. But if it does bother you, just think about kicking puppies while reading them

**By the way:** This chapter was a bitch to edit. I started crying trying to edit it. Seriously. I wept like Bob with bitch tits in Fight Club.

**Disclaimer:** Sadly, I don't own the lyrics to "Tear You Apart." I wish I did. I'd be so frakkin awesome if I did.

* * *

"Where is Jess? The ceremony starts in five minutes!" 

Lorelai shrugged. "He's not here."

Rory's jaw dropped. "Not here? What do you mean not here? Not here in this space or not here as in dead? As in he died because lightning struck him and buried him in the ground. As in he was killed and that is the reason he is not here."

Lorelai groaned. "Jess is not dead."

"Don't groan at me! I'm the bride and my groom is not here!"

"There aren't any guests around either."

"No guests? No one RSVP'd? And where is your dress?"

"My dress? Is there a wedding today? I didn't get an invitation."

"Of course there is a wedding today! My wedding! Mom, please tell me this is one big joke and Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson are showing up any second now."

"I wish. I'd at least get laid."

"No one is at my wedding and you are worried about scoring?"

"Again, I ask, what wedding? There isn't a sign saying 'Rory's wedding today'."

"There should be! Jess mailed the invitations. He licked and stamped. I addressed. He licked and stamped. You had to get one!"

Lorelai checked her pockets. "No invitation here. Why don't you take off your dress? You're sweating."

"I'm wearing Secret! Strong enough for a man! Made for a woman!"

"You're a beast right now. They don't make deodorant for werewolves."

Rory started pacing. "What about the crab puffs? And the cake? They are going to be ruined!"

"Rory, there is no wedding today! No one got an invitation."

Rory sobered, "No one?"

* * *

Rory jolted up in bed, covered in sweat, panting. 

She turned to Jess who was snoring and facing away from her. Figures he would be an indifferent bed partner tonight.

She started beating on him with her pillow. When that didn't work, she kicked him in the back.

Sure enough, Jess popped up in bed.

"What the hell Rory?" He glanced at the alarm clock. "It's 3am. Go back to sleep and we'll talk about it in the morning."

"No!"

"You're in the mood now? I don't know Ror. I'm kind of tired."

"This isn't about sex."

"Good. I'm not a machine, ya know."

"Did you lick and stamp?"

"Did I do what?"

"The invitations. The wedding is in a week. Did you lick and stamp? I gave them to you over a month ago and told you all you had to do was lick and stamp. I did all the addressing. You just had to lick and stamp. You didn't have to deliver them riding a pony or banging together coconuts. Just lick and stamp."

He thought for a moment. "Yeah, of course I did."

She grabbed the collar of his shirt. "You have to be 100 percent sure you mailed these invitations. If not, it's just going to be me and you with swans."

"I hate swans."

"Shut up! Now are you positive you mailed them?"

"Yeah." He paused, then opened the nightstand drawer where stacks of invitations were piled. "Or not."

"What?" Rory pushed Jess onto the floor, ignored his yelp and glared at the invitations piled in his nightstand.

"How could you be so stupid?" She started hitting him with her pillows, screaming words that were somewhat incoherent. Then her venom really kicked in and you knew exactly what she was saying. And it wasn't very nice.

"Stupid, fuckin dipshit pig. I should kill you. Right now. Take a letter opener and slice you up."

"Rory, stop hitting me!"

"No! You didn't lick and stamp! Your job was easy. My job is the hard job; living with you!"

"I can fix this. I can mail the invitations tomorrow morning."

"Tomorrow morning?" She broke out into a psychotic laughter. "No. You're mailing them now!"

"It's 3am. The post office is closed."

"Then you'll be the first one there." She grabbed his keys, threw them at him and did the same with the invitations.

"You want me to sit in front of the post office waiting for the doors to open?"

"I don't want to see your face until these are mailed. Did you know that under proper etiquette these should have been mailed at least a month ago? You did not follow proper etiquette!"

"Oh boo hoo!"

"Don't get an attitude with me!" She grabbed his shoes from under the bed and tossed them at him as well, barely missing his head.

"You could have given me a concussion."

"Damn my lack of aim."

"I'm not sleeping in front of the post office."

"Fix this now!"

He groaned, stood up, put on his shoes, grabbed the invitations and headed out of the bedroom, mumbling "She's fuckin lost it" over and over.

"I can hear you!"

"Good!"

"In case you die in a horrible mail accident, I love you, dumbass!"

"Glad to hear it!"

"Fuck you!"

"I need a sleeping bag."

"It's under the couch. I hope a dog humps you while you're sleeping."

"I hope you get decaf coffee this morning."

She was shocked. "I'm not talking to you for the rest of the day."

"Yay for little victories!"

* * *

Rory took a sip of her coffee and grimaced. "This is not what I ordered." 

"Ma'am, this is the third time I've remade it for you. It's exactly what you ordered."

"I taste soy! I hate soy! I expect perfection."

"I think it's pretty perfect."

"What do you know? You're a barista. Tickle Me Elmo makes better coffee than you."

"That's a child's toy."

"Exactly. Now fix my coffee!"

Everything slowed down. The coffee did multiple back flips through the air.

Rory had tossed the coffee just so. It had flown beautifully behind the counter and right toward the head of the barista.

Hot coffee. Open skin. Bad results.

* * *

Lorelai was struggling to get to the phone. She had one shoe on, a mouth full of pop tart and a killer headache from the night before where she threw a one month purified anniversary for herself. Things got a little wild when she put on Neil Diamond. 

She finally answered the phone. "Coffee!"

"Excuse me?"

"I need coffee; badly. I have been sending out brainwaves hoping someone would pick up on them, and bring me coffee. Are you my coffee angel?"

"I'm the manager of Starbucks."

"Oh my god. I sent my brainwaves to a Starbucks? I've gotten good. So you probably know what I need. When can I expect you?"

"I don't know where you live."

"Did you not get my brainwave?"

"Can't say I did."

"But I need coffee! I've been purified for months and I can't take it anymore!"

"Can't you just make some?"

"That takes too much time."

"Then buy some."

"Too much energy."

"But waiting forever is a better option?"

"At least I have something to complain about. So manager boy, what can I do for you?"

"Your daughter is here."

"And she told you about how fabulous I was and now you are making a booty patrol call?"

"Um no. She's behind the counter."

"She's working there? Does that mean she gets a discount now?"

"She is holding my baristas hostage."

"She weighs like 90 pounds and is easily persuaded by coffee. How could she be holding baristas hostage? And I know for a fact she doesn't carry a gun. She'd backfire on herself constantly."

"Well she's not exactly holding them hostage. But she won't leave from behind the counter. She has named herself Queen of Mount Coffeemanjaro. She's experiencing what we like to call Caffeine Dependency and she's obviously been a few days without the bean. We see it all the time."

"What's the treatment, doctor?"

"There is none."

"Why not hook her up to a caffeine drip?"

"We're not coffee doctors."

"I know; you're coffee saviors. Now save my deprived baby!"

"We can't do that. If it got around we were giving free coffee to any crazy person who threw hot coffee at our baristas we'd have all the quacks off the streets tossing it my way. And coffee burns!"

"She threw coffee at someone?"

"Don't worry; Julie is fine. She ducks really well. Very flexible."

"Like the girls in every Penthouse fantasy."

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing. So why are you calling me?"

"She told us to call you. That you'd know what to do. She is mumbling about no licking or stamping."

"If I pull her out from behind the counter, will you give me a free cup of coffee?"

"We'll talk."

Lorelai hung up the phone and looked down at Paul Anka. "Did you hear that Paul Anka? Mommy might get some free coffee!"

* * *

Rory and Lorelai were in Luke's truck, headed back toward the Hollow. 

"So, want to give mommy an instant replay of your Starbucks meltdown?"

"Nope."

"Well you're never allowed back in that place again, I can assure you of that. I bet you'll be a Coffee Outlaw and everything."

"Great."

"Boy you are chatty. Want to tell me what caused this sudden freak out?"

"Nothing."

"So you normally throw coffee at little white girls that never go out in the sun, knowing it would stain her skin for at least a week?"

"She wasn't perfect. She needed to know what happens when you're not perfect."

"Slow down Jew Killer. Are we getting rid of an entire race?"

"Only the incompetent assholes that can't lick and stamp properly."

"Is that some sexual thing?"

"If it was, Jess would probably fail at it too. He can't please anyone."

Lorelai smirked. "Ah, it's a Jess issue."

"Am I so boring now that any issue I have is a Jess issue? When did a boy become the one thing that encompassed my life? Every emotion I feel revolves around stupid Jess and his stupid hair."

"He has good hair."

"I know. His hair is better than mine and I hate him for that."

"So you're mad he has better hair than you? Just shave his eyebrows while he's sleeping. Then people won't be focused on the hair. They'll be focused on the lack of eyebrows."

"I just need to get drunk."

"Good thing tonight is your bachlorette party!"

Rory rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah. That."

"At least feign a little excitement. I've been planning this for weeks."

"Days."

"Okay, days but still, a lot of time went into planning this. It wasn't a strip club last minute idea. It has been carefully planned. Every hour from 6-6 is logged."

Rory softened a bit. "Really?"

"Yep. It's going to be the perfect night of debauchery."

"Keep it legal, okay?"

"That takes out the murder I had planned."

"And try not to get me too wasted. I was already told to go to rehab."

"I'll cut you off when the panties come off."

"And keep any weird FedEx delivery guy or Fireman away from my lap. I don't need to have flashes of a FedEx package rubbing all against me."

Lorelai smiled. "I promise to hog all the lap dances."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now let's get you home and out of those nasty pajamas."

"I can't believe I wore the bunny slippers to Starbucks."

"I can't believe you attacked a barista."

"It's been a morning of surprises."

"I'm a man."

"Shut up."

"Too soon?"

"Wait an hour. Then we can begin laughing at my freak out."

* * *

"We're watching the Wizard of Oz." Rory couldn't believe she was this lame. Was she really the girl who watched a children's movie on the night she was supposed to be releasing all her badassness? 

"You wanted wholesome. I delivered."

"I did not say I wanted wholesome. Aw jeeze, Sookie is asleep."

"It's from all the sugar. She passes out sometimes from too much sugar. Watch this." Lorelai tossed a pack of red vines at Sookie's head.

Sookie jolted. "I'm up! I'm up! There's no place like home!"

"We're not at that part yet."

"Oh. I was just resting my eyes."

"Right Granny Sookie." Lorelai paused, then looked around noticing Lane was missing. "Is Lane still in the bathroom?"

"Her eyes are probably bleeding from all the boredom we've caused her."

Lorelai pointed at the screen, squealing. "Oh look! Flying monkeys. Those definitely aren't wholesome."

"This has got to be the worst bachlorette party ever. Where is the girl throwing up in the bushes or the inappropriate girl on girl action?"

"I'm not making out with Sookie!"

Sookie opened her eyes. "Who's making out? There's no place like home!"

"Go back to sleep, Sookie. I'll wake you when Dorothy starts a clicking those heels."

Lane finally came out of the bathroom.

"So what did I miss?"

"Mom made out with Sookie. I tried to kill myself by shoving Red Vines up my nose. Paul Anka ate your shoe."

"Oh, well I hated those shoes anyways."

Ding dong went the doorbell.

Lorelai jumped up. "Pizza time!"

"Pizza? Just pizza or a high class escort service that pretends they are delivering pizza?" Rory asked, hoping for a little debauchery at her bachlorette party.

"Jeeze you're horny."

"My bachlorette party is a ten year olds nightmare birthday party without the clowns."

"I love clowns," Lane swooned.

"Davey loves clowns too!"

"We should hire a clown!"

"And a magician!"

"I was kidding guys; no clowns, no magicians. We just need to do something bad."

"To the bone." Sookie added.

"Face death and say hey death, how's it going?" Lane liked it when she got to go bad. Moms rarely get to go bad. They are too busy wearing mom jeans and wishing they looked like Madonna.

Lorelai walked back over with the pizza. "Look Rory! A pizza! A fully clothed, cheesy pizza."

"Mom, we need to get into some trouble."

"We're born to be wild."

"Girls just wanna have fun!" Sookie sing songed.

"I'm not powerful enough to get you all laid tonight."

Rory rolled her eyes. "Where's the adventure? Where is the dirty, filthy dark side of Stars Hollow?"

Lorelai grabbed a slice, chewing, "You mean the dumpsters? You want to go dumpster diving?"

Sookie shook her head. "People throw away so much food."

Lane agreed. "Kids in China would love to live in a dumpster in Stars Hollow."

"I want to do something other than sing along with the Tin Man," Rory whined.

"Sounds like someone here needs a heart."

"This party is a bust, mom."

"Do you have a better idea?"

Rory thought for a second. Nothing came to mind. "Give me a piece of pizza."

"Exactly."

"Oh look, it's the wizard," Lane pointed out, trying to find excitement in The Wizard of Oz.

"I love wizards!" Sookie squealed.

* * *

"Is this legal?" Rory had her hands on her hips. She was in full citizen arrest mode. It was creepy and very Kirkesque. 

"First you complain about how boring my party was. Now you are questioning the legality of this awesomeness?"

Sookie stopped digging, breathing heavily. "My back is killing me. This is a ten person job. Not a four person job. Look at Lane's little arms. They're shaking."

"No! I'm doing well over here, digging away."

"Why don't you socialize more Rory? You only have four people at your bachlorette party. This makes this stunt much more complicated." Lorelai always wondered why her daughter was such a loser.

"We can't move the gazebo! It's not legal! It's a landmark!"

"Do I need to get a few drinks in you to agree to this? I figured if you were drunk, you'd bury yourself. But if you need to be tipsy to see the brilliance of this, I'll go break into Doose's and get you a bottle of something hot and very nonalcoholic, like cough syrup."

"Alcoholics drink coffee syrup."

"Good thing you've joined the club."

"I think you should go to AA meetings, Rory."

"I'm not an alcoholic, Sookie!"

Lane hit the ground, with a thud, falling face first in the dirt.

"We've got a woman down!" Sookie yelled.

Lorelai echoed her. "Woman down!"

"I'm up!"

"Woman up!" Lorelai echoed, yet again. She loved echoing. It reminded her of caves. Caves were cool.

"Mom, how is this plan brilliant?"

"We'll be leaving our mark on the town. I borrowed Luke's truck. We can move the gazebo into the middle of the road. Mass panic! Then we'll turn off the stop light. Further mass panic!"

"There is only one stop light in town."

"There will still be mass panic."

"This gazebo is historic."

"It needed a face lift. And a new paint scheme."

"You're painting it?"

"We're flaming penising it! It's very anti-man. It screams 'I'm a woman! Rawr!'."

Rory backed away. "No."

"Yes. Sookie taught me the fine art of flaming penis painting."

"I dabbled in art class at college. So many live models. So many dicks."

"Lane, you're okay with this? What if your mom finds out?"

"Mama has mellowed."

"So we are desecrating a sacred piece of Stars Hollow history with flaming penises and moving it into the middle of the street, and shutting off the stop light?"

"And that's just from 10 to 11!" Lorelai stated, proudly.

"Oy vey."

"Rory is a Jewish Grandmother?" Sookie asked, poking fun at boring ole Rory.

"At least I have morals, unlike you three."

Lorelai nudged Rory. "Come on babe, live a little. At least dig one hole. It's liberating."

Sookie and Lane started the Rory cheer. "Rory. Rory. Rory. Do it. Rory. Do it. Rory."

Rory smiled, shook her head, and then, finally, dug a hole.

The three girls erupted in applause, then Lorelai got her serious face back on.

"Back to work women! We have some serious table dancing that is going on from 12-2."

* * *

"I am so sweaty." Lorelai complained, trying to pull her shirt off her body. It was stuck. Gross. 

Rory wiped her hands. "I feel like I have penis on my hands."

"It was paint." Lorelai countered.

"Yeah. But we painted penises."

Lane shook her head disbelief. "I can't believe we dug out the gazebo."

"And assaulted it." Rory added.

"Devirginized it." Lorelai wanted to make it sound edgy.

"We molested a piece of town history." Leave it to Rory to make fun sound illegal.

"I'm sure Taylor will have it back in place and glistening in two days, tops."

"That's not the point. The point is we are criminals!" Rory screamed.

"We fought the law and we won! Eat that all you law enforcers you."

"See Rory, look at Lane. She's a rebel."

"I'm so dirty."

"Then go get cleaned up, and fast! It's 11:30. We went over the allotted time. We have to move if we want to make it in time for martinis and dice dancing."

"Dice dancing?" Sookie questioned.

"It's mom's best move."

"It has all the men a knocking on my front door."

"They don't knock. They just walk right in."

Lorelai swatted at Rory. "Rory Gilmore, to your room now!"

Rory laughed. "You can't punish me!"

"Yes I can!"

"Actually you can't. She's over 18," countered Sookie.

"But mother's always hold the power," added Lane.

"Isn't it weird that our best friends fought against us?"

"Lane you are supposed to always take my side!"

Sookie butted in. "Why are we standing out here, getting sweatier and more suspicious looking when we have fun, fun, fun, waiting for us in Hartford?"

"Sookie's right! Fun, fun, fun is not here! Go make yourselves pretty girls. We'll meet back here in twenty minutes."

* * *

"We are so cutting in line. Look at us. We're hot. They need four hot bodies in that club, and we are so hot." Rory was finally in the mood for some fun. 

Lane looked around. "Not dead and lifeless like the rest of these people."

Lorelai pointed to Casper, standing a few icky people in front of them. "Look at that girl trying to get in. I bet she doesn't even know what the sun looks like."

Sookie giggled and wondered where Wendy was. "She glows in the dark."

"We shouldn't make fun of the whiteies, mom. I am one of them."

Lorelai stared at Rory, then giggled. "You're so white."

"I sleep until 3 sometimes. It's hard to get any sun time in."

"You should sunbathe on your roof. That's what I do."

"Covering yourself in melted butter is a good idea, too!" Anything covered in melted butter was better to Sookie.

"Guys love girls who taste like a roasted turkey."

"Or you could just be born Asian," Lane added.

Lorelai put an arm around Lane. "We bring Lane to make us all feel lame."

"Her eyes are close together!" Rory pointed out.

Sookie looked for something to make fun of on Lane. "Four eyes!"

"Guys, stop burning me. I'm self conscious."

"Your ass looks awesome."

"Those jeans make you look supreme."

Lane smiled. "Thanks guys. We are so cutting in line."

The girls linked arms and headed toward the front, where the all powerful bouncer was standing with a clip board. And probably a gun.

Lorelai started waving her hands around to get his attention. "Excuse me, Mr. Bouncer man, can we get in?"

"Wait in line like everyone else, ma'am."

Lorelai looked shocked. "Do you not know who we are?"

"You're too old to be anything special."

Lane stepped in. "Excuse me mister, but we are an all girl…"

"Band!" Rory added.

"You don't look like the band type."

"We play folk music." Everyone gave Sookie a 'what the hell' look.

Lane jumped in to try to salvage their fake all girl band. "It's more of a folky art music thing."

"But we dabble in folk rap." Lorelai thought this would intrigue the bouncer.

"I've never heard of folk rap."

Rory let out an elitist chuckle. "Oh believe us, it's a genre. You haven't lived until you've heard folk rap."

"It's the genre that was created in case Bob Dylan and Snoop Dog had a child." Lorelai added, confidently.

"It would be the only genre the curly headed freak could fit in." Sookie giggled at the thought of that beige, criminal, croaky sounding baby.

"What instrument does she play?" He said, looking at Sookie.

"The tambourine!" Sookie practically screamed.

"She tams that tambourine away. She's the best tambourine player in all of Connecticut." Lorelai was sure you couldn't google best tambourine player in Connecticut. And if you could, she'd just corrupt the wikipeida page later.

"What's your band name? Maybe I'll pick up something of yours."

Lorelai thought for a moment. "Uh, Sweet Cheeks."

"Sweet Cheeks?"

"Our cheeks are sweet."

"I guess I'll take your word for it."

"But you can't buy our cds in the stores. We are a part of the digital age!" Rory didn't want there to be any holes in this lie.

"Download us." Lorelai said, self promoting her nonexistent band.

"We have a myspace page. Just google Sweet Cheeks." Sookie knew every band had a myspace page. It had to make them sound legit.

The bouncer smiled. "Even if you are some arty folk rap group, I'm not letting you in. Now go back to the end of the line and you'll get in eventually."

"We'll show you our boobs!"

All three turned toward Lane. "What?"

Rory whispered. "Lane, do you really think we should use our boobs as a bargaining chip? It's kind of chilly. There is a brisk wind a blowing."

"Okay. Show me your boobs and you're in."

Without even conferring, all four girls lifted their tops, revealing, you guessed it, the other girls there tonight.

"Wow. Um. Go ahead. Go on in. God bless you. Everyone single one of you."

Lorelai giggled and turned around, facing pasty white vampire girl. "Sorry! Maybe if you stopped sucking people's blood, you'd actually get in a club."

"Whore!'

"Satan's love child!" She turned around and followed the girls into the club. "Come on girls, let's get this party started!"

Rory turned up her nose. "Never say that again."

"Pink is so not cool in this circle." Lane added.

"First round on me."

"All is forgiven if you're buying. Be as embarrassing as you want, mom."

* * *

The girls were situated around a table, away from the dance floor, yelling over the music to hear each other. 

The table was covered with empty glasses and each girl was nursing a martini in their hand.

At this moment, they were trying to control their laughter at Rory's story.

"So I said, hey dipshit, go to the post office and lay on the ground! And I hope a dog humps you!"

"No way!" They all squealed.

"You said dipshit?' Lorelai asked, not believing Rory even knew that word.

"Yep," Rory smiled proudly, taking a sip of her martini.

Lorelai did the universal motion for being whipped, along with the sound "Whipsaw."

"Jess is so whipped," Lane giggled.

"I bet he has a vagina now," Sookie yelled.

Lorelai was holding her stomach, chuckling. "Jess with a vagina! Oh guys stop. This is hysterical. I'm going to get a tummy ache."

Lane broke out into a smile. "We are so Sex and the City. We're dressed hot. We're talking dirty. And we're drinking."

Rory got up from her chair. "Come on guys, we should go dance!"

Lorelai's face contorted into a look of horror. "But you do that thing with your hands, and then you knock people unconscious with your hips and then you do that high kick and boom, someone has a bloody nose."

"I'm not that bad of a dancer."

"You knocked Jess unconscious at your lessons with Ms. Patty."

"How did you know about those?"

"Word gets around that you don't have rhythm."

"She was making us reenact the Pulp Fiction dance! I was wearing a wig! It was hard. And Jess didn't help. His body is awkward."

"Because he is getting used to the vagina," Sookie added, again. She was obsessed with she-man Jess.

The girls broke out into a collective laughter again. "Oh Sookie, stop. Side hurts. Tummy pains."

"Maybe you have to go to the bathroom."

Lorelai squealed. "I can't! They're playing my song. Come on guys, sing with me. "Heaven…"

"Must be missing an angel."

"Missing one angel, child, 'cause you're here with me right now"

Lorelai and Rory stood up and started bumping hips and doing the little Hustle disco hand movements.

Lane and Sookie were bent over laughing, but still singing along to the song in a mumbled hiccup fashion.

Lorelai flipped around toward the crowd, shouted "I want all I can get of your sexiness," and everyone stopped what they were doing and just stared for a moment.

Then boom, like they're feet started moving on their own, the crowd started mimicking Rory and Lorelai's hip bump/Hustle hand movements dance routine and were moving all around the club, following Rory and Lorelai's lead.

It was a moment to remember, when Lorelai and Rory Gilmore ruled the dance floor.

* * *

Lorelai had forgotten just how long the song was and near the end, the girls were leaning on each other for support, just shaking their hips from here to there. 

When it finally finished, they fell to the ground, the crowd parted and they were left, lying on the sweaty, fluid stained floor, giggling.

"Best moment ever?" Rory asked.

"We just took over a night club. We are now Disco Queens. I'd say this calls for another drink, if I can ever get up again."

"Shouldn't you be in shape now?"

"Please. Brisk walks and yoga don't prepare you for hip bumping. I can't feel my legs."

"Neither can I."

"Maybe we're paralyzed."

"Maybe we're dying."

"I wouldn't complain."

"Where are Sookie and Lane?"

The girls looked up and saw Sookie and Lane with their heads rested on the table.

"We're going to have to drag them to the next stop."

"And where is that?"

"A magical place full of dirty, filthy things."

"The 7-11 bathroom?"

"I do love their Slurpies."

"You mean their Herpes Slurpies."

"Seriously?"

"You never know."

"I'm never drinking a big gulp again."

"I could tell you a story about the Big Gulp that will freak you out..."

"Please, not now."

"Good, because every time I tell the story, I die a little inside."

* * *

Rory turned and whispered to Lorelai, "All the seats are sticky." 

"It's a porno theater. What did you expect?"

"The ad said 'High Class Porno! Only Classics from the 70s!' Nothing about dirty porno!"

"Oh, you wanted us to go see a clean porn film? Well I'm sure they use some sort of protection, like a dental dam."

"That's sick."

"Maybe jelly."

"Okay I get it. Guys still whack off in the high class porno."

"All it means is it's more of Playboy airbrushed porn, less of a hardcore, lots of hair, lots of sweat movie. I figured you could only handle so much body coming at you."

"Fine, we can sit here, but I'm touching nothing."

"That goes for everyone! No touching anything."

The girls picked a row, near the back, to be conspicuous and sat down.

Rory put on her sunglasses.

"Rory it's dark."

"I know."

"Then why are you wearing sunglasses?"

"In case someone I know is here."

Lane tapped Lorelai on the shoulder. "Before it starts, should we get popcorn?"

"Yeah. And candy. And lots of soda. Just no butter on the popcorn. You don't know what they mean by butter."

"And we don't want anything Pee Wee Herman supplied," Rory said, reminding everyone of Pee Wee's dark days.

"I wonder if Pee Wee visited this theater," Lorelai thought, out loud.

"We could check the first row for evidence." Rory knew when all else failed, look for semen. It always solved the case. Thank you CSI.

Lane and Sookie shuddered at the thought of semen testing. "Gross."

Lorelai started pointing at the excitement on the screen. "Oh look at the screen guys. It's a throbbing penis!"

"The paper said it didn't start until 2:30," Rory complained.

"I guess they got excited and decided to throw it at us right away."

"Or maybe this is one of those pre-movie cartoon things," Rory tried to reason.

"Maybe it's a sex-ed video."

"Or a video on the dos and don'ts of porn making."

Lorelai was suddenly hit with a jolt of hunger. She needed food now or she'd be making out with the porcelain king in a few hours. "Lane, go fast and retrieve the snacks!"

"I'll go with you, Lane." Sookie offered. "I think I need to go wash my hands. I touched the door knob."

"Remind me to stop by the pharmacy and pick up a cream for Sookie after the showing."

Sookie and Lane left the theater to retrieve the movie snacks.

"I wonder what Jess and Luke are doing right now."

Lorelai smiled an evil smile. "I might have an idea."

"What did you do?"

"Implemented Operation Disturb Luke."

"They were just supposed to watch baseball and eat pie and have man to man chats!"

"I'm just giving them a post game activity, after the snuggling."

* * *

Jess rolled his eyes. "This is sure one great bachelor party, Luke." 

"It's your fault you don't have any other friends. Besides, you don't even like strip clubs."

"Who says?"

"Last time I was with you at a strip club, you read the entire time. And those had to be your prime horny years."

"Let's not talk about my prime horny years. And they were in mud. Mud does not appeal to me."

"Well, what do you want to do? I've got cards. We can play poker. I've got twister. It's Lorelai's. I'm not a fan, but if you want to play…"

"I'll pass."

"We can watch a movie. I have…I have nothing."

"Then I guess its Sportscenter highlights and beer."

Just then, there was a knock on Luke's apartment door.

"Who could that be? I thought you said you locked up."

"I did."

Luke stood up, grabbed his bat and went over to the door.

"Who is it?"

"Police. Open up."

Luke rolled his eyes and turned back to Jess. "What did you do in your little time back in Stars Hollow? Did you sit some old lady on fire?"

Jess put up his hands in surrender. "My lighting people on fire days are over. I don't know why the cops are here. Maybe they found out about you growing weed in the closet."

"That was you and I got rid of that stuff! And don't say that out loud."

"Police, sir, open up."

Luke opened the door, baseball bat still in hand. "Sorry about the wait officer…" Luke stopped mid sentence when he saw what the officer was wearing: an up to there blue mini and a shirt ten sizes too small, with the buttons ready to pop off if he even breathed on her. He tried not to breathe too hard. She had a badge, but it looked like the thing you'd find in a kids cereal box.

In her hands, she was holding a night stick and a pair of handcuffs.

In a low southern accent, she drawled, "Are you the naughty boy I'm looking for?"

Luke was boob struck. He couldn't take his eyes off them. They were so big. He didn't want to look but he couldn't look away.

"Have you been a bad boy? Do I need to teach you a lesson?" She said, while hitting her hand with the night stick. "Do you need to be spanked?"

Luke finally snapped out of his trance. "No naughty boys here. Night!" he said, while slamming the door.

"Oh my god. Oh my god." He was pacing. "I'm never answering the door again."

Jess walked over to Luke. "Who was it?"

"She was looking for a naughty boy."

"Huh?" Jess looked up and saw the blonde figure was still standing at the door. "Luke, she's still there." Jess walked over to reanswer the door.

"No Jess, don't open the door. Don't do it. You don't want to know what's behind that door."

"What's she going to do? Frisk me?"

Jess opened the door to find the smiling blonde that had ruffled Luke's flannel.

She definitely wasn't a cop.

"Are you the naughty boy I'm looking for?"

His mouth was wide open. "I'm not…I'm not naughty."

She reached out to grab the collar of his shirt to pull him closer, but he stepped back. "I bet you've been very bad today, haven't you? You look like a bad boy."

"I'm a good boy!" He yelled, slamming the door in her face for the second time tonight.

He turned back toward Luke. "She…She's…She's not a cop!"

"Unless the police force has changed with how they handle criminals."

"She was going to give me a lap dance or do something else Rory wouldn't like to know about. Cops don't give you lap dances! Cops make you go soft."

"Jess, don't talk about going soft to me. Oh god. We have to get rid of her. How can we get rid of her?"

"Get a chair!"

"What?"

"If we at least block the door, we know she can't get in. Then we'll escape."

Luke grabbed a chair, rushed back over and blocked the door.

"Okay, what's the plan?"

"We could go out the window."

"No! She'll see us and come after us and push you against Doose's window and do horrible things to you."

"Or the gazebo. She'll defile the gazebo. Oh god. Okay, next plan. We can hide in the closet until she leaves."

"And if she comes in here, we'll pop out and knock her unconscious."

"Then hide her body in the tub."

"Yeah! No. Wait. I think that would be kidnapping."

"Damn the legal system. If they had a big boobed police woman who wanted to spank them standing outside their door, they'd realize laws are so stupid."

The girl groaned. "Hey, assholes, I can hear you!"

"You can?"

"Yes. I've never seen two guys so afraid of getting a little tit show in my life. Jeeze. What are you, gay? Is that why you want to go in the closet? Some type of metaphor?"

"We're related!" Luke yelled.

"I'm getting married!"

"Whatever. Can I at least get a tip?"

"A tip? For what?" Luke didn't understand this logic at all.

"Dealing with you two. Coming to a town that I'll probably get arrested for dressing like this. Or if you want, I can take off my shirt and you can tip me for that."

"No, keep your shirt on!" Luke squealed.

"Well if we have to tip her, we might as well get something out of the deal," Jess reasoned.

"I thought you hated boobs?"

"That makes no sense. Now we do sound gay."

"You're marrying Rory!"

"All they say is no touch. Doesn't mean I can't look."

"You're a pervert."

"Fine, we won't look. We'll pay her for standing outside the door and shaking her baton."

Luke groaned and pulled the chair away from the door, unblocking it, and then opened the door. "You can come in, if you want."

"We're watching Sportscenter and drinking beers."

"Wow, what a party. Lorelai said you'd be two losers but I didn't know it was this bad."

"Lorelai?" Jess asked.

"Yeah the woman who hired me. She said you needed this. She said you," gesturing toward Luke, "had never seen a woman and you," gesturing toward Jess, "were still afraid of girl parts."

"Lorelai!"

"Of course!"

"Everything that goes bad in my life is always her doing."

Luke shook his head. "I can't believe Lorelai bought you a girl."

"Hired for an hour." The girl corrected. "I'm not like buying a steak. You don't get to cook me and eat me."

"Did that have a double meaning?"

"Maybe you two should go in that closet and cry together or something. You're freaking me out."

"Can I hold your night stick?" Luke asked.

"Why?"

"I've always wanted to see one."

"He's not going to start hitting me. We're not like that."

"Right." The girl obviously didn't believe him.

"Seriously. I'm getting married. To a girl!"

"Whatever you say." The girl became distracted by Jess' lovely locks. "Wow, you have good hair. Do you use conditioner?"

"Bath and Body Works." Jess blushed.

"Me too!"

"I could tell. You've got a nice volume."

* * *

Rory was shocked. This was a bad street. 

"I can't believe she offered to stick her butt in my face."

Lane couldn't believe the offer had gone down either. "What if it was cold and flu season? The infection rate has to be high from butt to face!"

"Do you ever sit on Jess' face? I bet you've given him the flu."

Lorelai put up her hands. "Don't answer that! I don't want to know about you sitting on Jess' face and neither does Sookie! We just need to get off this street before another girl offers to give us butt face."

Rory sighed. "I hate butt face."

"It's not sanitary." Lane added.

Sookie jumped in. "Or safe. She could have squished your face. Then you'd have squish face."

"Sitting on people's faces is dangerous." Rory concluded.

Lane couldn't get over the butt proposition. "And imagine if she had gas!"

"Or enjoyed Mexican food." Sookie reminded them all of the ugliness of Mexican food.

"The smell!" Rory squealed.

"The squish face!" Lane yelled.

"The horror." Sookie ended their squish banter with that perfect, closing thought.

Lorelai shook her head. She was the sane one. What was going on? "We need to get off this street. All of you have gone into some other dimension."

"I bet Britney Spears has butt face. That's probably why she looks the way she does now." As of late, Rory had been obsessed with Britney's ugly transformation.

Lorelai had promised herself to stay out of the crazy butt talk, but anything with Brtiney spiked her interest, so she started a new banter with her daughter. "Who'd stick their butt in Britney's face?"

"Maybe she comes down this street at night."

"To sell her babies for crack. I have this theory she had three other kids during her fat period and she just sold them for crack."

"A whole new meaning to the crack baby."

"I wonder what those babies are doing right now."

"Probably hanging out with Madonna."

* * *

"Chew, chew, chew, chew!" 

Rory had downed two plates of pancakes and was well on her way to attacking the third.

She coated them with syrup, then dipped them in water (Kobayashi style) and sucked her third short stack down.

Pancake Perry was getting his ass kicked by a 90 pound white girl, who had syrup hair. He had perfected eating the pancakes where he no longer got syrup hair and he was still losing.

If he didn't do something fast, Smory Gilmore, as she was entered, would get her picture on Dan's Pancake World wall, along with a t-shirt crowning her Pancake Eating Contest Winner.

He wanted that t-shirt.

But her damn cheering squad was distracting him. It was her mother. He wanted to dip her in syrup and eat her in 30 seconds.

"Done!" Rory screamed, throwing her fork right at Pancake Perry.

"No way! You went through six short stacks in a minute!"

"Iron stomach, my friend. I can put anything in this thing."

"She ate nails on the way over for practice," Lorelai added.

Dan stepped out from the back. "Congratulations Smory! You are this year's Pancake Eating Contest Champion!"

"I'm the Pancake Champion! Do I get a trophy?"

"No?"

"A song playing to do a victory lap around Pancake Pete?"

"No."

"A brand new waffle iron?"

"You ate pancakes."

"But I'm getting married. I really need a waffle iron. Or a blender. Or one of those wall candle things. Can I get a gift certificate for a wall candle?"

"No."

"But Jess smells."

"Normally people are happy with the t-shirt."

"Not our Smory!" Lorelai yelled.

"I've been practicing since birth."

"Seriously?" Questioned Dan.

"Scout's Honor. I've been eating pancakes everyday, twenty four hours a day, preparing for Dan's Pancake Contest."

Dan smiled. "That's awful sweet, but sorry; all I can offer you is a t-shirt and a hug."

"I hate human contact. And I don't want your damn t-shirt. It's like getting a gold star in kindergarten. What can a gold star buy you?" Rory threw the shirt back at him, muttering "Syrup hair for nothing," and walked out of the pancake house.

Lorelai ran up. "I'll take the shirt! And have a nice night. Loved your pancakes. I so could have kicked her ass and I would have loved the t-shirt, but you know kids, always have to get their way."

"She's in her twenties."

"She still lives at home. Sad story. I'd tell you now but I've got two women passed out in my car. And that's not as bad as it sounds. Adios, amigo!"

* * *

"Chigga, chigga what! Hand me another KK, Lane." 

"Oh, that sounds so dark and mysterious, like you're doing drugs."

"I'm so Kate Moss right now," Rory said, oddly proud.

"Jess does kind of resemble Pete Doherty," Lane pointed out.

Lorelai made the obvious Pete to Jess connection. "In that he shouldn't be allowed to spread the seed."

"Gosh, all guys want to do is spread the seed!" Rory yelled, in her 'I'm a woman and no man can put me down' voice, brought to you by Barbarella.

"I know!" Lane agreed.

"But a playa like me can't be tied down by a baby."

"Sing it playa."

"Chigga, chigga, oh yeah."

Rory stumbled forward and fell flat on her face in the middle of the street.

Lorelai laughed at her daughter's lack of motor skills. "That was smooth."

Rory looked up. "How did we end up back in Stars Hollow?"

Lane started jumping around like an untrained monkey. "Look! A crowd is swarming around the flaming penises!"

Rory was confused. "I thought that was all a dream, along with the table dancing."

Lorelai shook her head. She remembered it all so vividly. "Nope. You broke two tables and a chair. And you kind of made a man sterile."

"I what?"

"You stepped right down on him. At first he moaned. Then he groaned. Then he cried. So I told him you owed him your first born."

"You what?"

"It seemed like the polite thing to do!"

"This isn't a fairy tale."

Lane was bouncing up and down. "Our art work has caused a commotion! And look at the traffic! No one is moving! We are so hardcore."

"I can't believe my plan worked. Sookie, wake up!" Lorelai screamed, while kicking her.

"I'm up!" Sookie looked around. "How did we get back in Stars Hollow?"

"I think I drove but I'm not exactly sure. I just remember you and Lane were passed out, so Rory and I made a few pit stops. Then I ended up here, walking down the street with McSexy over there."

"Rory?"

"It's her new nickname."

"Sounds McLame."

"Be McNice."

"This is McPathetic."

"You're a McBitch."

"McYou!"

"Sookie!"

"Sorry. The Mc's make me angry and hungry. I always think about McDonald's."

* * *

Stars Hollow one police officer was trying to calm Taylor down. "Taylor, it looks like a joke to me." 

"No. This was a terrorist attack! We need to all go to the underground shelter immediately."

"The what?"

"It was built back in the 50s and I've kept it ready for a moment like this. Look at the chaos! The stop light is broken and I am being visually assaulted by flaming genitalia."

"Some people would call this art."

"Genitalia are not art!"

"It depends on who you ask."

"We're not going to take a poll of the town whores."

"Hey Taylor, what's going on here?" Lorelai yelled over.

"Of course, one has just shown up." Taylor mumbled. "We've been attacked!"

"By aliens?"

"Aliens do not exist."

"Then why is there a UFO in my backyard?"

"There is a UFO in your backyard?"

"Or maybe that's my satellite. I can never be sure."

"Why are you up so early?"

"I'm getting my exercise in. Gotta take care of this work of art," she said while hugging her body in a disturbingly sexual way.

Taylor grimaced. "And the three others?"

"I drag them along everywhere I go. They are my posse."

"They're eating doughnuts."

"Not all of us can be works of art."

"Would you happen to know anything about flaming genitalia?"

"I'd question the town lesbians."

"We don't have town lesbians."

"They meet every Thursday for their weekly castration."

"They're what?"

"They got good ole Joe last week. He bled all over my pizza."

"Lorelai, for god's sake!"

"I just want justice served! I don't feel safe in this town and my kid is getting married here. I need your promise that these terrorist will be caught."

"You have my word."

"Pinky swear?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I don't know where your hands have been."

"Just down some guy's pants."

Taylor threw his hands into the air. "Why do I ever try to have a serious conversation with you?"

"Because I am adorable. Au revoir, Taylor!" Lorelai said, while bouncing away, back to the girls.

* * *

"Are we off the hook?" Rory asked. 

"We are hookless."

Rory jumped in the air and clicked her heels. "Yay, no orange vest!"

Lorelai put her arm around Rory. "My little hardened criminal."

"I wonder what Jess is doing?"

"This is so déjà vu. But seriously, he is probably crying because he knows we all four collectively hate him."

"You don't have to hate him."

"Yes I do. He made you table dance. It was horrifying. You lifted your skirt and everything. I had to see Strawberry Shortcake in a place I never wanted to see her."

"That wasn't Jess' fault. That was Cosmo's fault."

"Well Jess caused the Cosmo chugging."

"Who knew such a feminine drink would make me do the table top dance of shame?"

Lorelai raised her hand. "Me!"

"Sookie and Lane keep passing out. Do you think it's safe to leave them here with crazy flaming penis painters roaming the streets?"

"I think they'll be safe. They have vaginas."

Rory and Lorelai started to head back toward home.

"So, what did you think of your party?"

"I have to give it to you; it was epic."

"And did you get all of your wild horses tamed? Are you ready to become an honest, non skirt lifting woman?"

"Oh, I'll still be lifting my skirt on days I don't hate him."

"Why do you tell me this?"

"To make you squirm."

Lorelai paused. "So the wedding."

"The wedding." Rory breathed out heavily. "Is it okay to be nervous?"

"I'd be scared it you weren't."

"I wore my dress to bed the other night."

"Aw."

"And I wore it all day last Tuesday."

"You're going to end up spilling coffee all over it."

"Don't say that! You'll jinx it!"

"I'm not ready for my baby to get married."

"I know."

"But I'll deal."

"I know."

"So everything will stay just like it is, right now?"

"Well, you can't come to my house in the middle of the night and jump on the bed. And you can't kidnap me for days at a time and hold me hostage for coffee, which by the way, you owe me twenty bucks."

"Why?"

"You are now unpurified."

"It was only a sip! And it was Starbucks."

"Twenty bucks."

"You drove me to the java."

"We'll get you in a good rehab facility after the wedding has come and gone."

"But we'll still be best friends, right?"

"Of course. Jess looks really bad in a skirt."

Lorelai hugged Rory. "That's sweet."

"I love you, mom."

"Stop it or I'm going to cry."

"Okay, I'm stopping. I just wanted to say it now before the craziness this weekend."

"Well, it's appreciated. Oh look, it's our stop."

"We need to take pictures of all of our moments in the house. When I go to the bathroom, take a picture!"

"Are you dying?"

"Nah, I just need pictures for the before and after marriage book."

"You're weird."

"You passed it down to me."

"Damn my DNA."

Lorelai noticed a package on the front steps. "Whoa, when did that come?"

"Sometime between the vandalism and porn, probably."

"Wonder what it is?"

"A head?"

"Jess' head?"

"The Jeep?"

"In a box?"

"One can dream."

"Well open it!"

"I can't. It's addressed to you."

"That's never stopped you before; like that time you opened my big delivery of lingerie."

"I can't believe you had lingerie delivered to my house."

"It was for Jess' birthday and I didn't want him accidentally seeing it."

"Jess wears lingerie?"

"You know what I mean."

"Yes, Jess is a drag queen."

"It is for him to enjoy on me."

"I hope none of it was edible."

"And you shouldn't be opening my packages!"

"You shouldn't have sexy things delivered to my house!"

"Well, this isn't anything for my sexy time, so you can look."

Lorelai clapped her hands together. "Oh goody!"

When Lorelai just stood there, staring at the box, Rory took charge and tore at the box, ripping the tape off in an animalistic manner to get to the goods. When she opened the box, there lied a single key. She held it up so Lorelai could get a good look.

"A key?" Lorelai asked.

"That's what it appears to be."

"But what's it to?"

"A car?"

"A safe?"

"A castle?"

"Is there a note?"

"Nothing."

"A trace of fingerprints? Hair? A smell?"

"It's a traceless box."

"So this is like a scavenger hunt!"

"How can we hunt for something that could be anywhere?"

"I have frequent flyer miles."

"Maybe it's just a joke."

"Oh here's a key in a box. That's hilarious?"

"Maybe it's British humor."

"Oh here's a key in a box! Bloody Hell! That's funny?"

"That's bollox."

* * *

Rory sighed. "So a key." 

"In a box."

"This is going to bug me."

"Maybe that's the point."

"What if this is from a serial killer and we have to find where he has his latest victim locked up before she dies?"

"You have got to stop watching CSI."

"Criminal Minds."

"Aren't they all the same?"

"Aren't all medical shows the same?"

"Shut your mouth."

"Exactly."

"I say you just throw away the key and get some sleep."

"What if another clue comes tomorrow?"

"Fine. Don't throw away the key. Wait for the clue. Be little Miss Veronica Mars."

"I will."

"Fine."

"Good."

"I'm glad."

"Boy we're grumpy."

"We need sleep."

"And a bath. I have beer feet."

"I have weed hair."

Lorelai smelt her. "Whoa. I just got high off of you."

"I get that line all the time."

"My cheeky little daughter."

Rory smiled. "I think we have ourselves a Gilmore mystery."

"Oh, this sounds intriguing and very Days of our Livesish."

"Jess loves that show."

"Why do you admit to things like that? It just proves you're marrying a girl."

"I like girls."

Lorelai patted her head. "Right. You need to go to bed."

"Night mommy!"

"Night Veronica. Whoa. Yale foresaw this. Ronny Gilmore. Hee. Night Ronny."

"Hate. You."

"Don't be so bitter, Ron." Lorelai thought for a moment. "Ron and Jess. It'll look good on the banner."

"There will be no banner!"

"Oh yes there will be and you can't stop me!"

"Oh yes I can!"

"How?"

"I'll eat the banner."

"Rory, seriously, go lay down."

"You're right. That was embarrassing."

"You haven't eaten paper since you were at least 12."

Rory rolled her eyes. "Always trying to make me sound special."

"You are my special little Rory and I don't care what anyone says. I love you just the way you are!"

"Thanks for accepting me, mom."

"Your disabilities just set you apart. And Jess being semi retarded makes you two the perfect match."

"I don't think you're supposed to say retarded anymore."

"Who says?"

"God."

"He's so sensitive."

"Well he is in the bible."

"The bible is always getting in the way of my fun!"

"Don't go burning a stack again."

"Believe me; God made me feel his wrath the other day. I will no longer do mini bible protest."

"You've been tamed?"

"I'm not the rebel I used to be."

"Good. I needed an honorable maid of honor."

"I'm still doing a new guy each week."

"Please. You've been closed down for business for over a year."

"At least I'm not disappointing God."

"What does that mean?" Rory placed her hands on her hips.

"Sex outside of marriage. It's a shame you couldn't have kept your pants on a little longer."

"Skirts were made to make us whores."

"I should have never let you go to Chilton. You learned too much. You grew up too fast!"

"So you're saying that if I would have stayed at Stars Hollow High, I'd still be living at home and socializing on the internet?"

"Yes. I want my baby back."

"Mom, don't get so sentimental."

Lorelai wiped away fake tears. "I'm okay. I just need to remember the good times when you skipped around the town singing about riding a unicorn."

"I never did that."

"In my dreams you did."

"What vivid dreams you have."

"Like you wouldn't believe. The other night I dreamed that I was a s'more! An actual s'more! And you ate me! It was dreadful. You got me all over you mouth. I was the marshmallow. And you just wiped me away like it was no big deal."

"I'm sure I didn't know it was you."

"Oh you knew. I tasted Lorelai."

"You're disturbed."

"I'll never feel the same about s'mores. And they used to be one of my favorite things."

"Replace it with a vegetable."

"I do have a thing for eggplant. It's so cute!"

Rory put her hand to her head, in a dramatic way. "I'm about to pass out."

"Well stand up a little longer so I can tell you about my hopes and fears and the time I dreamt I was a jar of chunky peanut butter that fell in love with a jar of smooth."

Rory passed out right in front of Lorelai. Lorelai shrugged, stepped over her, went into the kitchen and grabbed a Snapple out of the fridge.

She took a sip. "Ah. Refreshing."

* * *

**Ending Author's Note:** I hope this chapter was fun, fun, fun! like Sookie foreshadowed way back. I think I enjoyed all the psychoness. If you hated the psychoness, we can have a "Yo Mama" throw down. I think it'll be fun, fun, fun! especially if Wilmer shows up, all slimy and Fezy. 

**Reviewers:** So this was the chapter that almost never happened. I wrote it, then could never edit it enough. It always needed more edits and I have like no time right now. And all I have written for the next chapter are two trial openers, so we'll see when that happens. But your loyalty to my craziness is awesomeness and I love you, like always.

Yay for the flaming genitalia! I just had to get that out. It was awesome.


	12. Bicycle, Bicycle, You Are My Bicycle

**Chapter 12: **Bicycle, Bicycle, You Are My Bicycle

**Author's Note:** Like Tony Stark, I was held captive for almost a year and that is why I abandoned this lovely fic for other things, like building a suit out of iron that runs on coffee and love.

But have no fear fangirls/fanboys, I have risen from the ashes to finish out this crazy fan fiction that, at least I, found satisfying and totally ridiculous. I made a few choices, okay one choice, that is a bit cliché, but I liked adding that element to the fic and I don't think it made it overly dramatic. So I hope you like that part.

This chapter was especially hard to write, yet ended up giving me the most material. It was hard to wrap this all up in a nice little satisfying bow. I am so not made for endings.

**Disclaimer:** The following events that are about to take place are based on true events. Names have been altered to protect the innocent and dialogue has been changed for dramatization purposes.

Cause people have gotten married before. And I stole that idea.

Also, I hold no responsibility if you hated how I ended this. Just had to add that.

The title comes from a **Be Your Own Pet** song. They are wicked. Check them out!

**Word of Caution**: I thought about splitting this up into a two parter like every other TV show but figured I'd just go the Lost route and give you almost two chapters worth of material in one. So if you need to, take a break, walk around, go the bathroom. I won't be offended.

* * *

Rory yawned. "I'm bored. Want to have sex?"

Jess thought about this for a moment. "I don't know. I'm kind of into this show."

"You are watching _To Catch a Predator_."

"They always get caught." Jess said, in a shocked tone.

"Hence the name of the show."

Jess sighed. "Wait until commercial."

"Forget about it. You don't sound like you want to."

"You want to have sex because you are bored. Is that supposed to get me excited?"

"The mentioning of sex is supposed to thrill you. We are not married yet. Sex with me is supposed to be like a treasure hunt."

"I've already found the booty."

Rory rolled her eyes. "I'm going to bed."

"It's at commercial." Jess called out to her, RSVPing to her invitation.

Rory rolled her eyes. "Wow, this is sure romantic."

"You want me to light a candle?"

Rory shook her head. "No, just take off your pants. Let's make this quick. I have to look over that guest list. I'm thinking about cutting a few people."

Rory situated herself on Jess and thought about what she was going to say in her vows. She could go the basic route, promising to still love him in that stupid _The Notebook_ way and hoping you can die at the same time because life would be unbearable without him. She could go the stupid route and throw in a bunch of inside jokes. Or she could….

Jess groaned. He grunted. God that was distracting her. She checked her watch. Only one more minute until _To Catch a Predator_ came back.

"Jess, hurry up."

"This…was….your idea."

"You only have a minute left until commercials end."

It was time for the moment where Jess goes live for the thousandth time when he said the oddest thing.

"Watch out for that car!"

Rory was taken aback. Did she just hear that? She turned to look at the television, making sure her bouncing hadn't changed the channel. Nope; it hadn't. She turned back to look at Jess. He had a smirk on his face.

"Watch out for that car?" Rory asked.

"I had to get your attention someway."

Rory thought about this for a moment. "You're perfect."

* * *

Lane and Rory were situated on Lane's bed, legs crossed, like two school girls sharing the secret details of one of their first kisses. The door was closed, and Rory's face was red. Blood red.

"And at the point of orgasm he just burst out 'Watch out for that car!'"

Lane went from complete shock to an uncontrollable laughter in a matter of seconds. She bent over, she tumbled back. Her hair briefly fell into her mouth. Rory lost it at about the same time and both continued to giggle until Lane finally caught her breath.

"He just yelled that out? What if someone else heard?"

"Lane, we aren't into that public thing anymore."

"I meant his neighbors."

Rory shrugged. "They've heard worse."

Lane raised her eyebrows. "I'm intrigued."

"Let's just say, I can be very vocal and tend to yell out weird things."

"Things weirder than 'Watch out for that car'?"

"One time I recited all the presidents."

"Wow. I would have never made it past Monroe."

"It was an especially good night. I dare say no one has ever been as excited as I was about John Adams."

Both girls set there for a moment.

Lane smiled. "Watch out for that car."

"Yeah."

"If I was ever going to try sex again, I would try that with Zach."

"See what you're missing without sex?"

"Ah yes, the spontaneity of 4 minute sex while _To Catch a Predator_ is on is something I wish my life had in it everyday."

"I felt so fat too, but I think you always feel fat on top."

Lane covered Rory's mouth.

"What?"

"My mother, somewhere, is listening. Women never go on top. It's not ladylike. We only assume the missionary position."

"Korean Seventh Day Adventists are so boring."

"The Joy of Sex hasn't made its way over to Korea yet."

* * *

Rory walked into Lorelai's kitchen.

Lorelai gasped at Rory's zombielike appearance. "Ah…I mean, oh my god. What happened to you?"

"I feel like I ate a bag of pennies and washed it down with orange sewage."

"When did you have time to get drunk? You were busy with hyperventilating and procrastinating and many other big words last night."

"This is not a hangover. This is something darker. My entire body is radiating with pain. Can you see the pain?"

"You do have a red glow."

Rory grabbed her stomach. "I think I am going to erupt."

"Like a volcano?"

"When someone is about to upchuck, who asks if it is like a volcano?"

"You're the one who used the word erupt to describe upchuckage."

Rory started jumping around. "My feet! They're cold!"

"It's not a literal thing Rory." Lorelai thought she now had a handle on the situation. "I see; this is pre wedding sickness. But you don't have to worry; everyone gets a little freaked out."

"I am not talking about running away. Feel my feet; they are frozen. My feet are ice." Rory dashed toward the oven. "How do you turn this thing on?"

"You've never used an oven?"

"You raised me! I can't bake cookies! I never took a cooking class. Yes, I am going to be a failure of a wife but that is your fault! Now turn on this damn oven! I have cold feet!"

"Rory, sweetie, you don't cure cold feet by toasting them. You just need to let it pass. Or call off the wedding. There is still time to run away with an Irishman."

"Huh?"

"It's a Julia Roberts thing. Rory! Get your feet out of the oven!"

"They're cold! I have cold feet!" Rory's head fell and her little body began to shake, finally letting out a deep sob that had been locked in her chest for a few hours. "I haven't slept in days. I can't write my vows. I hate my wedding song. And now I have cold feet."

Lorelai sighed the heaviest sigh in the world. "Rory, will you please take your feet out of the oven?"

Rory breathed out. "Altoids."

"Huh?"

"He had altoids. He always has altoids. They're his go to, after and before a cigarette, which I always found a little redundant. Why not just after? But whatever. And his couch. Have you seen his couch? It is the most glorious piece of furniture ever created by man. I love his couch."

"Am I supposed to follow these thoughts?"

"How am I supposed to convey these things in two minutes? What words can I use that aren't cliché? I hate all of those phrases like until the end of time, forever and always. Who uses words like always? There isn't an always. There is a right now. And right now Jess has a couch and altoids and…I'm pregnant."

"You're what?"

"It had to be the altoids. Every time he uses the altoids, something weird happens."

"How are you so calm about this? Do you know what you just said?"

"Altoids and then boom, I've got a parasite swimming around in there."

"You probably shouldn't call a baby a parasite."

"Oh my god, I can't think. When did the altoids incident happen?"

Lorelai grabbed a chair. "Rory, can we sit down because I have forgotten how to breathe."

"I ate cheese puffs the other day!"

"Okay?" Lorelai asked, raising an eyebrow.

"The fake orange cheese gunk can't be good for the baby. It has to be on one of those no list. Pregnancy is just one big no."

"No crack."

"No margaritas."

"No fun." Lorelai paused. "Are you sure you're pregnant?"

Rory gave Lorelai the look. "I haven't been able to concentrate this entire week. When Jess and I were…building a sand castle, I was everywhere but building the sand castle."

"Were you really building a sand castle?"

"Of course we were." Rory said, avoiding direct eye contact with the one who birthed her. "And, I feel like I ate pennies and washed it down with orange flavored sewage. That's pregnancy."

"Why aren't you freaking out? This was not in the plan!"

Rory sat down at the table. "I don't think I am going to tell Jess until after the wedding."

After a few moments of silence Lorelai repeated the big discovery. "You're pregnant."

"I'm going to have a kid. A kid with eyes and fingernails and hair!"

"And hopefully only one of everything, except eyes, ears, arms and legs. Only one of those would give it weird nicknames like Cyclopes or hobbles or stubby." Lorelai smiled. "I'm going to be a grandma. Or just Lorelai."

"Granny Lorelai; I like the sound of that."

"Please don't." Lorelai bent down, and leaned in close to Rory's belly, touching it slightly. "It feels like a Lorelai."

"People are going to start talking to my belly, aren't they?"

"You become like an amusement park attraction. People will get in line just to touch your golden orb. People will rub it for good luck, or just to feel the all allusive kick."

Rory touched her stomach. "Yeah, I'm not feeling anything."

"Oh my god, you're going to get so fat. This will be fantastic. You'll have to wear an elastic waistband on your pants. Oh! And you won't be able to see your feet to put on your shoes. It's so funny; you bend over to tie your shoes and you just go rolling down the hill."

Rory rolled her eyes at her mother. "I'm going to my room to convey Jess' perfectness through the written word."

Lorelai groaned. "Just copy some random passage out of a Nicholas Sparks novel."

Rory gasped. "I'm not stealing a passage from a person on my Kill List."

"Nicholas Sparks got a spot on the Kill List?"

"Hells yeah. If I accidentally had a gun and it accidentally went off, I wouldn't feel bad if the bullet landed in his direction."

"Maybe you shouldn't talk so violently around the baby. It might come out with a love of guns."

"My baby is not a cowboy!"

"And hopefully it won't be an Indian either or people will feel the need to rape it and steal its land on Columbus Day and Thanksgiving."

"Ew mom, I'm going to my room."

"I'm going to make you something healthy! How do you feel about a strawberry pop tart?"

"That's your idea of nutrition?"

"It has fruit!"

"You little health nut."

* * *

Rory was lying upside down on her bed, phone in one ear, pen in hand. "Altoids."

"Altoids. That's what you should name this little project that is going on in your oven."

"I don't want people asking my kid if they are curiously strong."

Lane bit her lip. "We should give the lollipop kid a pre delivery nickname like Peppermint Patty."

"Not only does that make me hungry, the strong lesbian vibe might make people think I am breeding kids to turn them gay, therefore developing a big gay cult to take over Texas."

"Why Texas?"

"They have lots of cowboys."

Lane laughed. "Oh I get it!" She paused. "I can't believe you are sperminated."

"Neither can I. I was all Danny Ocean with my mom but my body is doing cartwheels and I my insides feel like they are on fire."

"Wouldn't that be awesome if Danny Ocean sperminated you?"

Rory ignored Lane's thought, too busy with her vows. "Tell me what you think of this line: I'm your biggest fan."

"It makes you sound like one of his groupies."

"I thought it was clever."

"Good thing you and your hormonal self have me here to tell you it is not."

"What if I throw hot coffee at you? Would you tell me it was a great idea to avoid coffee burns?"

"Nope; Koreans are known for their ducking capabilities."

"Well I like it," Rory stated stubbornly, "but I think I have a better line: You're my penguin."

"Not bad, Mother Goose."

Rory groaned. "Don't say that. I don't know what Jess is going to say. One week I don't want kids; now because of altoids and that glorious couch of his my garden is fertilized. I'm growing a cabbage patch kid inside of me!"

"Look on the plus side; you'll have the glow minus the fat neck in your dress."

"My dress! The wedding! It's…it's…Saturday! Two days away. I have to go and throw up."

"Morning sickness?"

"Who knows? I have like three sicknesses going on right now."

"Don't tell your mom; she'll call Dr. House."

Rory rubbed her temples. "Oy vey. I forgot I am getting veiled tonight by Jess' family."

"What does that even mean?"

"I'm sure my mother is taping it, so I'll give you her Michael Moore doc to watch as a bridesmaid gift."

"This is a kinky Jewish thing, isn't it?"

"They invented the bagel and smeared it. Those bastards only know kink."

"You think Nana Mariano will be able to feel your pregnancy?"

Rory panicked. "I hope not. I can't be known as a whore of a kallah."

* * *

Lorelai was finalizing the plans for Rory's wedding extravaganza, per Michel's constant bitching that everything had to be written in blood and gone over eight thousand times. Needless to say, Lorelai was no longer taking her job as co-wedding coordinator seriously.

"So I'm thinking you'll come in on a unicorn. What do you think?"

Rory shook her head. "I might as well rope some swans and ride those inland."

"How long do you think the rope will have to be?"

"I'll just use my back hair."

"If you don't have enough, you can borrow Luke's."

"I'd say ew, but the thought of Luke getting waxed is a whole new level of disgusting."

"Can you imagine Luke saying 'My three favorite activities are tanning, shopping and waxing!'? Oh my god, he'd be so totally awesome."

"He'd be fierce, fabulous and flawless."

"Like your hair. You've got sex kitten volume going on."

"It's the pregnancy."

"Did you get that thing confirmed?"

"I am craving dishwasher tablets and cilantro."

"I'm just saying, don't buy the crib before you go on Maury."

"Right now I need to focus on the wedding. After I walk down the aisle, I'll tell Jess."

"Right after?'

"At some point after he steps on the glass, he will be told."

"How do you think he is going to take it seeing as just a month ago you were a walking abortion campaign?"

"I don't know. I know Jess didn't want to get rid of the option of having a kid…"

"I'm glad he wanted you to keep your uterus."

"But I don't know if he wanted to take part in the cliché of having knocked up your girlfriend before you make her honorable in the eyes of Jesus, Bill O Reilly and Ryan Seacrest."

"Well it's a kid. People are supposed to be thrilled when they realize they've created offspring. Maybe Jess will be thrilled."

"I'm just hoping for a smirk."

Lorelai smiled. "You have your own little special silent code. That's sweet. Let's just hope that little science project in your stomach isn't monosyllabic." Lorelai paused when she saw Rory was crying. "Oh my god, why are you crying?"

"I have to throw up." Rory ran to the bathroom, crying and smiling.

"Why are you smiling?"

"Cause I'm happy about throwing up. This is so awesome. Can you come hold my hair? I can't mess up the sex kitten volume before the ceremony."

"Don't lay on the floor! I haven't mopped it…ever!"

* * *

"No mom, I just enjoy tootsie rolls, it has nothing to do with the Russians!" Lorelai shouted. She was a dream shouter.

Rory shook Lorelai a bit more. "Mom, wake up."

"No George, I can't have your baby. My ovaries can't be that powerful."

"Mom, I need to talk to you."

Lorelai turned over, staring at Rory.

"Mom, stop giving me The Emily."

"The sun isn't out."

"But I need to talk to you."

"Can't this wait? You don't literally have cold feet again, do you? Or is it in the metaphorical sense this time?"

"Something is fluttering in my stomach."

"Butterflies?"

"No, that would feel pretty."

"I don't think fluttering feels pretty. Go back to bed. You can't look like you are starring in 'Night of the Living Rory' tomorrow. Grandma will point and laugh, then pull me aside and tell me that looking like the Spears girl does not qualify as attractive in any circle. Then she'll make some inappropriate joke involving her support of a Nazi and push me in the lake. And leave. Her appearances always have to be more gossiped about than Anna Wintour's treatment of her 'chubby' assistants."

"Can we go on a walk?"

"Rory, the sun is not out. Go on a walk yourself."

"You are not filling your duties as maid of honor."

"I gave birth to you. Duty filled."

"Do you think Jess wrote his vows?"

Lorelai huffed and got out of bed. "Get your soon to be not so scrawny butt downstairs."

"I just need to practice my vows on you one more time."

"You got me out of bed to practice? Why did I birth such a freak? I let you mingle with other children. I didn't force you to read books. You chose to read from left to right. I let you watch some version of _Cinderella_ without mocking it too horribly. Was it the large amounts of Chinese food I fed you? Are you now pseudo Asian?"

"I just want the day to be perfect."

"Practicing and obsessing will not make tomorrow perfect. Those moments you wrote about in your vows, they are what will make your day perfect and you aren't going to find them in your ten-layer cake or in those damn twinkle lights. If you'd just relax for like five seconds and stop being a Martha, you might make it the whole day without a Valium. You've got to relax sweetie because you no longer have the option of getting embarrassingly drunk off of cheap champagne on your wedding day."

"But they won't stop fluttering."

"I would offer you wine, but I hear it does weird things to fetuses. And I don't think I can smash a vase over your head…"

"I'm nervous."

"I'm sure Jess is freaking out right now."

"Why can't life have picture-in-picture? I need proof he is as bothered by marriage as I am."

"His uncertainty is comforting?"

"I always feel alone in my madness."

"As long as you don't start playing a piano at hysterical speeds, I don't think this madness will lead to death."

"Do you think I'll make a good wife?"

"The 1950s version? No. But you are Rory and he is Jess. Everyone knew it was meant to be."

"Really?"

"You are Jess' only friend and Jess keeps you sane. Separate, you don't make sense."

"That's a good line."

"Was it comforting?"

"The fluttering is less rapid."

"Only less rapid?"

"Maybe I don't need to go over the seating chart again."

"Now we're talking."

"And who cares if the swans do not enter as soon as 'All is Full of Love' starts? I can't control swans."

"Oh my god."

"What?"

"This is the fall of Emily 2.0."

"I was that bad?"

"You were mushroom people and midget orchestra bad. You ate Lane's music list."

"I did?"

"Last night. You didn't agree with her addition of Sinatra."

"I remember it now. I thought 'The Way You Look Tonight' was her mocking me. This whole time, I've been insane. I've been a wedding monster."

"Godzilla meets King Kong meets Barbara Streisand meets Clay Aiken in his Spamalot costume."

Rory shuddered at the thought of Clay Aiken anything. "How did you stand me this entire time?"

"My alcohol intake increased with the decrease in your sanity. I never knew there were so many things you could put in coffee."

"You've been drinking on the job?"

"Hello, my daughter was the wedding monster. Thank god this ugly period in your life is finally over."

Rory bit her lip knowing her mother was going to hate her next utterance. "I think I want to change my wedding song."

"Shush! We are not talking about the wedding…"

"But this is kind of a thing I need to talk about."

"Then call Lane. Me and you and the wedding are on a Ross and Rachel break until 3 tomorrow."

"You're going to attend someone else's wedding?"

Lorelai shrugged. "We're on a break. It's not cheating if we are on a break."

"But I didn't agree to this break."

"We're on a break."

"But…"

"Rory, it's 4am!"

Rory nodded. "We're on a break."

* * *

Rory tried to zip up the back of her dress on her own. Unfortunately, she didn't have the ability to twist that awkwardly. She was flexible enough for certain things, but not for zipping her wedding dress.

"Mom!" she called. "Come help me zip my dress."

Lorelai came rushing down the stairs, her dress half on, hair half done.

She stopped at the threshold of Rory's room and sucked in her breath.

"What? Do I look fat already? I swear, this parasite better be prettier than Shiloh."

"No. It's just…my baby is in her wedding dress. And she looks perfect."

"Really? You think I look perfect?"

"Perfect doesn't do how you look justice."

"The dress is incredible."

"That's why it got a name. But it's not just the dress. It's you in the dress."

Rory fanned her hands in front of her face. "Stop. This moment we're having has to stop because I can't cry. I've already cried eight times today for no reason."

"Hormones suck."

Lorelai turned Rory around toward the mirror and zipped her up.

"You're in your wedding dress."

"I know."

"So, do we need to have the talk about how to satisfy your husband? I wrote down what to say when you were like three, so I might have to change a few things, like nixing the use of sock puppets, but I think I have some good tips for you."

"Mom, I'm knocked up."

"This is true. Whores normally know how it all works."

"Any other good advice?'

"Don't do the whole brush your teeth before the other person wakes up newlywed thing. Don't pretend to be Donna Reed. And don't offer to cook in the nude. And sometimes, you'll have to do things you don't want to do, and it'll be painful and unpleasant but it is the duty of a married woman. You know what I'm talking about, right?'

"Laundry."

"Exactly. It should be illegal. It's so undignified."

Rory smiled. "I think this was a good talk. I learned a lot."

"Oh, and don't let him get you drunk. If he gets you drunk, you won't stop popping those things out. And last but not least, if we have learned anything from Sookie, perform the vasectomy yourself."

"I put a set of knives on my wedding wish list for a reason. Did you think I was going all Barefoot Contessa?"

Lorelai smiled. "I did good. There is nothing else I can teach you. Let's go make you an honorable woman!"

"Let's get you embarrassingly drunk!"

* * *

Emily was following Lorelai around on the bridge and she was two seconds from pushing her in.

"You're letting them get married on a piece of wood. For god sake's Lorelai, what is next? She gives birth in front of construction workers?"

"We've already lined up a Mexican brick layer to deliver the baby. He has great credentials. He watches ER all the time."

"Don't joke about things like that. Lorelai! Those swans are dirty!"

"I'll walkie Michel to clean the swans."

"And what is this music that is playing? It sounds like a bunch of Canadian school children broke into Mozart's grave, and decided to bring him back to life."

Lorelai was shocked. "Really mom, that is what Broken Social Scene sounds like to you?"

"What an awful name. Are they Canadian?"

"I never knew you had a distaste for Canadians."

"They have free health care. It's such a joke. I hope global warming puts it under water." Emily was repulsed by this music. "Did that man just say 'I'm Still Your Fag'?"

"Rory picked the music. Talk to your granddaughter."

"That is terribly inappropriate for a wedding. I'm glad I didn't invite any of the DAR ladies to this hot mess."

"Who did you hear say hot mess?"

"This is the definition of a hot mess."

"Britney Spears is the definition of a hot mess. This is a wedding."

Emily had a disturbing thought. "Oh god. Don't tell me they wrote their own vows. That's such a self important, oh look at us we are going to be sentimental and prove we know how to have our own thoughts, thing to do."

"They wrote their own vows."

"If I would have ran this wedding there would be Sinatra playing, no vow writing of any kind and it would not be held on a wooden bridge with dirty swans. The swans would certainly be shipped in from a reputable establishment. Where did you buy these swans?"

"They came free when we purchased the lake. Mom, chill out. Enjoy nature."

"Save your self important hippie crap for the other freaks who I am sure will appear out of the trees. I need a drink."

"Mom, be happy. Love is everywhere."

"Is there going to be booze?"

"There is always booze."

"Thank god. Maybe I can make it through this thing."

* * *

"Dum, dum, dum dum," Lane hummed to herself, a little buzzed off the champagne. "As soon as we get Michel's page, you will no longer be the Carrie Bradshaw of the Hollow."

Rory put her hand to her forehead, wiping away pre-wedding jitter sweat. "Look at my dress. It makes me look like an Afghani prostitute. Women who work in brothels wear dresses like this."

"I don't think Vera Wang is a big seller in Afghanistan. You'd need to cover your face and not go out in the sunlight in be an Afghani prostitute."

"And what is up with this sash of flowers? What was I thinking? It's as bad as putting flowers in my hair. Flowers don't naturally sit on your torso."

"Rory, breathe. You're getting married, not executed."

"I'm getting married." Rory stated, reassuring herself she was walking to the chuppah, not to the electric chair.

"To Jess, who is kind of awesome."

"He is kind of awesome."

Suddenly, instead of a page, the girls were interrupted by Michel's banging on the door. He didn't wait for them to open; he just walked right in.

Rory jumped on him. Not literally; just with words. "Michel, what if we weren't dressed?"

"Do you sit around exposed?"

"Yes."

"I shouldn't be surprised seeing as who birthed you. She let you watch Coyote Ugly at such a young age. It was bound to have some effect."

"You didn't answer my question. What would you have done?"

"We would have never spoken of this moment again. Horrible things would have happened to me emotionally. I would be in therapy. Rory! Don't get me off track. Where is your father?"

Rory shrugged. "Watching American Idol? He is a Cookie."

"Don't joke! Where is he? He has to be here in five minutes or I will be forced to walk you to the chuppah. And I don't even like you that much. The FOTB needs to arrive."

Lane smiled. "Aw, Michel is speaking in Wedding Planner jargon."

"Michel, my dad isn't walking me down the bridge. Mom is."

"Lorelai is? What, is this one of your feminist things? And if you are going to do something completely insane, you have to inform the wedding runner, which is me."

"It was on the wedding outline I made for you. It said MOTB walks B down the aisle."

"I thought is was a typo!"

"I don't make typos."

"This is stupid. Why would the MOTB and the MOH walk the B down the aisle? The donator of sperm is still alive. Why can't he walk you down the aisle?"

Rory exhaled heavily. "Michel, I've got a lot of things rushing around inside me right now…"

"Gross."

"So if you don't stop acting like this is your day, I am going to attack you. And it won't be ladylike. I will go for the jugular. This is my day!" Rory smoothed out her dress to regain her composure. "Now how long 'til the walk down the bridge?'

"Five minutes. You have to be out of this tent in five minutes." Before Michel walked away, he turned back to Rory and smiled. "You look almost pretty."

"Thanks, Michel." Rory noticed his eyes were a bit misty. "Oh Michel, are you crying?"

"I remember when you were little annoying Rory with your big words and small head. Now you are big annoying Rory with your big words and normal sized head. I can't believe you're getting married. Remember the time with the post-it notes? And when I wouldn't read your French paper? And when you stole all my candied almonds?"

"Yeah." Rory said, in her happy, sad tone.

"Jess is a lucky boy."

"Thanks, Michel."

Michel wiped his eyes. "Enough of this cry-fest. It is my job to get you married."

"I put my marriage in your hands."

Michel looked down at the paper in his hands. "Oh, Jess asked me to give you this."

Rory smiled. "I'm proud that you remembered his name."

"Lorelai made me practice."

"See you in four minutes and twenty-two seconds."

Michel smiled. Someone who took punctuality seriously. Awesome.

Rory opened up the one lined note from Jess. It made her smile that thousand-watt smile normally saved for when Rory and Jess "built a sandcastle."

_See you under the chuppah._

* * *

Richard was a little disgusted with his wife at the moment. "I can't believe you wore black. You are her grandmother. You need to support this."

"Aren't I here?"

"You look like you are in mourning. No one has died, Emily."

"My heart has Richard, my heart."

"Oh, don't be so dramatic."

"I'm sorry if I don't look like a walking rainbow like our daughter, but it is not like Rory took the time to coordinate her dress with mine. Black goes with everything. Look at that woman. She is in black."

The woman in black came over and sat beside Emily.

"I see someone else here was sensible enough to not dress like they were a character in Barbie's dream house. You'd think people were actually excited to be here. I'm Nana Mariano, by the way. Need a drink?" Nana asked, pulling out her flask.

"You brought alcohol?"

"And sunglasses, so no one will notice my dilated pupils."

"Are you high?"

"It's my wedding remedy. I hate weddings. Too happy for my taste. But, I do anything for my little Jessie."

Emily nodded. "Same for my Rory."

Nana Mariano laughed. "Look at us. The two black grandwidows of the bride and groom."

"Oh, my husband is still alive."

"But not for long. With those legs, you've got plenty of time to find a new one."

Richard's bow tie felt tighter. "Plotting to get rid of me Emily?'

"Oh Richard, it was a joke. I love this woman. She's such a card. You're a card."

"I'm a card. Let's drink to divorce."

"To divorce! Without children!"

"No children ever!"

With these two bitches together, it was like _Sex and the City_ for the menopausal set. Oh wait. They just made a movie for them.

* * *

Michel was holding on to Lorelai's arm so tightly a bruise not even cover up could fix was forming. Lorelai slapped his hand away. "Michel, I am not the bride. You don't have to worry about me running away."

"How is the MOH supposed to walk down the aisle then teleport back as the MOTB?"

"Paris will walk down the aisle..."

"I can't believe Rory invited that undersexed control freak. She actually questioned my wedding planner skills."

"Inconceivable!"

"I know." Michel paused. "Wait, you were mocking me weren't you?" Michel bent over at that moment, like he couldn't catch his breath.

"Michel, are you hyperventilating?"

"This…job…it…so much…. pressure. Hit me!"

"What?'

"Slap me in the face and I'll be better."

"I'm not slapping a French man. You'll kill me with a baguette."

"Slap me."

"As you wish, mon petit fromage."

And as Michel wished, Lorelai gave him a nice slap across the face.

* * *

Jess was fidgeting around under the chuppah. Rory was ten minutes late, as Luke had so graciously reminded him.

"He looks like he has Parkinson's. Is he Stars Hollow Michael J. Fox?'

"Emily, that is horribly insensitive."

"He has a very overactive bladder." Nana Mariano pointed out. "Or he might be on the ganja."

"The what?"

"You know, the Jamaican plant. Much more potent."

"Richard, what is she talking about?"

"I think she is referring to some type of hallucinogen."

"No, I'm just talking about a little pot. His mom probably rolled him a joint before the ceremony."

Emily covered her face. "Oh god. I've entered Holly Golightly'sworse nightmare."

"I thought this woman was a card?"

"Shut up Richard."

* * *

"Jess, I'm sure she is coming. Maybe the swans weren't ready." Luke reassured him.

"It would be those vicious beasts, wouldn't it? Swans are out to get me."

"I don't think an entire species is out to get you."

"Oh, I think so. I saw how they eyed me when I walked across the bridge. I bet in the middle of reading my vows they are going to come at me."

"And beak you again?"

Jess ignored Luke's hilarious comment and started pulling at his collar. "Is it hot out here? Did the temperature just rise a thousand degrees?"

"It's called nerves."

"I'm not nervous. I think I have a fever. Check my temperature."

"Jess, you're fine. Chill out. You are getting married."

"I'm getting married." He repeated slowly.

"To Rory, a lovely, well adjusted fruitcake."

"That makes no sense."

"Just repeat what I say."

"Just because you get to make a best man speech, it doesn't mean you now wear the pants in our relationship."

"Oh, I most certainly wear the pants. And there won't be a dry eye after I read my speech. I've been preparing for this moment since the day I pushed you in this very lake. I have many great anecdotes. I'm taking your guest through Jess and Rory: The Golden Years."

Jess rubbed his temples. "You've gone mad with power."

Luke smiled. "The pants are fitting quite nicely today."

"Shut up. You're freaking out the reverend and the rabbi."

"Nothing is scarier than the look your bubby is giving us." The rabbi was truly afraid of Nana Mariano.

"Or Rory's grandmother. I normally don't talk bad about Nana's as a rule, but those two are giving me a rash." Reverend Skinner added.

"Just don't make direct eye contact."

"Maybe we should make a peace offering."

"I'll give her a loaf of challah."

"I'll put in a good word for her on Taylor's God phone."

Jess became frustrated. "Are you two making this a bit? Seriously? It's my wedding day and you are doing a bit about bubbies and challah. What's next, a duck, a rabbi and a dumbass walked into a bar?"

Luke interjected. "What Jess means to say is, shalom."

The rabbi shook his head. "That's your best Jew, Luke?"

Reverend Skinner chuckled. "I do a better Jew than that and my only Jewish connection is that I occasionally enjoy a good cry by watching Annie Hall."

Before the reverend and the rabbi could go into another bit, the opening chords to "All is Full of Love" started. Cue the swans, Paris and Lane.

Luke started fooling with Jess' bow tie.

"What are you doing?" Jess asked.

"It's not center."

"Oh my god, stop touching me."

"Do you want to get married with a crooked bow tie?"

"I don't care."

Paris made her way down the bridge, not too excited about being upstaged by dirty swans. When she got to the end, she gave Jess a death glare.

"Fix your bow tie, dumbass. My best friend isn't marrying a boy who can't dress himself. Saddle up, James Dean wannabe reject."

Then Paris turned to the audience, uncomfortably situated on the bridge and smiled.

Lane made a much less dramatic entrance, keeping in time with the music, even in her mini drunk phase, and didn't trip once. She smiled at Jess when she made it to the end, and took her place beside Paris.

"Of course Gilmore gets married on wooden planks."

"Paris, we have to be quiet."

"And have you seen our dresses?"

"I am wearing one."

"We look like we are damsels in distress teleported from the Wild West. Gloves, seriously? Are we going to pull a heist later?"

"Paris, seriously, Rory is going to be here in like five seconds. Button it up."

"Fine, I'll throw away the key."

"Thank you."

* * *

And now it was time for the bride. The spotlight was on Rory.

Lorelai squeezed her hand and smiled. "Are you ready?"

Rory simply nodded, her mouth too dry to speak.

Michel pushed her along, fixing her train every few steps.

Rory tried not to think about everyone's eyes on her. She tried not to think about if she was staying in time with "Sea of Love." She tried not to think about her grandmother's scrunched up face and displeasure with the fact she didn't use the standard Wedding Waltz. But she couldn't stop herself from taking a glance. And what she saw almost knocked her over. There was Emily Gilmore, in entire black, with a smile on her face and puffy eyes.

She looked at her mother and noticed she adorned the same glassy eyes. She returned her mother's earlier gesture and squeezed her hand back, the unspoken gesture that said it all.

She was finally ready to jump into unknown waters where no list could prepare her for what would come.

It's scary how we agree to this thing and we aren't even sure of it until walking down wooden planks.

But enough of her Grey's Anatomy voice over that was supposed to make us all a bit wiser. All thoughts stopped when she saw Jess' face.

It was a genuine smile. Not a smirk. Not a curl in his lips that could be interpreted by some as a smile and by others as a birth defect. His teeth were visible, the corners of his eyes crinkled. Jess Mariano was smiling at her.

Most. Perfect. Moment. Ever.

Rory whispered to her mom in a voice inaudible to anyone except for dolphins and Lassie. "You can let go of my hand. It's time."

"I don't wanna let go."

"It's okay mom. It's like ripping off a band-aid. Do it quick and you won't even feel it."

"Oh I'll feel this."

"Mom."

Lorelai sighed. "Letting go."

Lorelai kissed Rory's check and took her place as MOH beside Lane and Paris.

Her baby was a baby no more.

She had promised herself she wouldn't cry. Fortunately, she knew that promise would be broken and she stashed some tissues in her cleavage. Thank god for low cut dresses.

The reverend and the rabbi cleared their throats.

"Before we get this whole ceremony going can we just stop and say, wow, we've never seen a more glowing bride."

"Absolutely stunning," the rabbi added, making an already blushing Rory turn Elmo red.

"Don't tell me these two are going to turn this into the View." Paris muttered.

"You'd be the Rosie to their Barbara Walters." Lorelai said.

"I'm not a big gay hot mess."

The reverend cleared his throat. "We've never shared the spotlight for a wedding before."

"We spent two days arguing how to start this ceremony."

"Lorelai suggested we joust for control." The crowd laughed at this little nugget of funny.

"Which would have been interesting seeing as we are on a lake with 'vicious swans' as we were told by Luke."

"But we thought we'd start the ceremony in somewhat normal fashion."

And so they started. "Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today, in the face of this company, including the lovely swans, on a bridge, to watch this man and this woman become something extraordinary together. Pull out your hankies. If we know these two, there won't be a dry eye on the bridge."

* * *

Rory and Jess were standing side-by-side, hands locked, fingers interlaced. They had not let go the entire ceremony. A romantic would say they were preparing to jump together.

"And now, we finally get to turn the ceremony over to our own little Hemingway and Austen. These two decided to write their own vows. You better impress us, guys." The rabbi breathed a sigh of relief that he could finally take a break.

Jess rolled his eyes. As if he wasn't nervous enough about divulging his feelings in front of others, here was a rabbi and reverend laying it on thick about how magical this had to be. Oh god.

Jess cleared his throat. Maybe he had lost his voice and would pass.

Rory had now turned her body and was looking him directly in the eye.

"I guess I'll go first." Rory whispered.

Jess just nodded. Words weren't his friend at the moment.

Rory blinked a few times and pulled on a sleeve that wasn't there.

"I'm a little nervous, guys. I didn't have my Wheaties this morning and since I reverted back to the technique of envisioning everyone in their underwear, I can't look directly at anyone."

Everyone gave her the kind "we will laugh even if your joke was pathetic" kind of laugh.

"Oh boy. Okay. Well, Jess. I remember when you got me hooked. It wasn't when you asked me to run away with you, or when we kissed at Sookie's wedding. It was that stupid line you said about the painful Ernest Hemingway. You said it with such sincerity at a time when everything you did had an ulterior motive and every word was laced with sarcasm. But you took me to this bridge, ate my awful food and charmed me with the best pick up line I've ever heard. 'Ernest only has lovely things to say about you.' I thought people only said things like that when they had a room full of writers churning out lines for them. It's not fair that you can come up with things like that, that you talk so good when you want to. How could I not get hooked? You bought my basket, you smirked, and you stole my heart."

Rory exhaled the breath she had been holding through that entire monologue and continued. "I can't predict the future, but the one thing I am sure about is us. You're not like anyone else I have ever met; you're so perfect and you don't even know it. You always know what to say, things that make no sense to anyone else, things that aren't appropriate for anyone's ears but mine, but they are perfect. I know I am overusing the word prefect, but I used a thesaurus and no other word fit. You're my Jess, my perfect dysfunctional best friend.

I want you. It's that simple. We are here today because we want each other. How awesome is that? I never knew if we'd get here, but I'm glad we did, because you're it for me.

You're my coffee cup. My Jess. My penguin. The one thing I need to get through everyday."

Rory gave Jess a glassy eyed smile that he returned with a kiss on the cheek.

The rabbi shook his head at this spectacle. "Oh, none of that before the end of the ceremony."

"God wouldn't approve." The reverend added.

"Oh come on, let him kiss her!" Babette roared.

Sniffles and snotty noses could be heard all around Rory and Jess.

"Those were some vows, Gilmore." Paris said, and you could tell she was a bit choked up.

Rory had an ephinany look on her face. "Oh I forget to say I love you. I should probably add that too."

Jess smirked. "I kind of inferred that."

"Well, just in case you didn't know, I love you."

"And Jess, what do you have to say for yourself." The reverend and rabbi asked in unison.

"Well, if Rory was nervous, I am probably legally dead up here.

Okay." Jess took a moment to breathe before her started. He wringed his hands and began to fidget, again.

"So you're Rory Gilmore: the fast talking town princess. Why you picked me, I'll never understand. But since the day you got rid of that restraining order, I've always been there, never willing to give up on us or let you go, because once you have a Gilmore Girl, that's it. Nothing else compares, nothing else is worth the hassle. I might as well have become a hermit if you hadn't picked me because there is no other girl out there for me. If I'm your Jess, you're my Rory.

When writing this, I thought about all the times something got in the way of our so called happy ending, how in ways we are the definition of tragic. Except today, I'm here with you. I got the girl. Do you know how amazing it feels to know I get to spend the rest of my life with Rory Gilmore? It is almost indescribable. I didn't want to get mushy here or write the chorus to some indie rock love song; I didn't ever think I'd be that romantic guy, but you Rory Gilmore, made me that guy.

You're my reason for being a better guy, my reason for not being a monosyllabic asshole, my reason for actually believing in this thing called love.

I want to be the guy who fixes you coffee every morning. I want to be your coffee making Prince Charming. I love you and I can't wait for tomorrow because like Lou Reed says, what comes is better than what came before. You are better than anything I've had before and the only good thing in that before.

This is the first day of our life. "

Rory turned to the reverend and rabbi, now in full tears. "Can I please kiss him?"

The rabbi was almost in tears. "If you don't, we are going to double team him"

"Dirty." Lorelai snickered.

"Rory, please kiss him. I don't want to see that." Luke begged.

"I don't want to experience that."

Rory leaned forward and captured Jess' lips in the sweetest kiss ever seen outside of _The Princess Bride_. Time stopped. If there were a camera, it would pan around them as if time had stopped in this kiss. For Rory and Jess, it stopped freaking time.

The reverend and the rabbi, after a few moments, pulled the two apart in fear that this would become Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson all over again.

"Well, we all know one thing you two are good at. You won't have any trouble in the boudoir." Of course the rabbi had to go there.

The wedding had just gone from sweet to nauseating.

* * *

The bride and groom had their 'you may kiss the bride' moment. They had been declared Mr. and Mrs. Gilmore, a joke Lorelai knew would emasculate Jess to the point where he might as well hand over both testicles and go ride a bike in France.

Jess had smashed the glass with his foot to get rid of the demons. Or to remind us that there is imperfection in the world. Lorelai had slept through Rory's explanation of all the Jewish customs.

Now it was time for the party.

* * *

Emily shook her head at the plate of food sitting before her. "I can't believe Rory wasted Sookie's talents on burgers and coffee."

"They're her favorite things, Emily."

"I know, Richard." Emily said in a condescending tone. "I enjoy Twinkies but do you see me serving them at DAR functions? There are appropriate times for Twinkies. A wedding is not one of those times."

"Maybe she picked burgers and coffee just because she knew you'd throw a fit."

Emily hit Richard with her napkin. "I'm not throwing a fit. I'm simply stating that this is a wedding, not a potluck."

"Eat your burger Emily."

Lorelai smiled at the combination of champagne and burgers. It was another one of Rory's many brilliant moves to drive Emily insane.

Rory really did love her mother.

* * *

The chitchat came to a halt and DJ Lane stopped the music when the clinking of a champagne glass caught everyone's attention.

It was Lorelai, naturally.

She stood to address the guests. Jess and Rory cringed. They knew what moment was upon them.

"As the maid of honor, it is my duty to give a little toast to the bride and groom.

Rory has always been addicted to old Hollywood love stories. From a young age she searched for the Bogart to her Bergman or the Redford to her Streisand, searching for that perfect man who would give her his letter jacket or bid farewell to her on a rain soaked tarmac with the parting line 'We'll always have Paris.' I guess you could call Rory a romantic at heart. To this day she still doesn't understand why Katie and Hubbell parted ways. Hubbell was Katie's best friend and even when things weren't good, he was there for her. And Ilsa wanted to stay with Rick, but he knew she couldn't; he knew he had to let her go.

Fortunately, there isn't a war or cancer or some other silly reason standing in the way of Rory and Jess getting their Hollywood, black and white, happy ending. The world has welcomed them and through the ups and downs of their relationship and life in general, because let's face it, sometimes life gets in the way, their love for each other has always remained. The great thing about these two is that they didn't settle for someone else. Somehow, these two stuck out the storm because they knew they'd have more than Paris; they have the story Ilsa and Rick only dreamed of having in front of them.

No good love story is perfect, but those imperfections, in my mind, are what make two people fated for each other. I guess you could say I am a sucker for fate, but when two kids dating at age 17 becomes two adults marrying at age 24, there is something more than luck at play. In Rory and Jess' case, I believe in fate.

Rory, you got your classic Hollywood love story, except your ending won't have tears on a tarmac or a great parting line. Yours won't be as dramatic or heart wrenching. You get the Holly Golightly moment where you find your cat and kiss Paul in the rain. You two overcame it all to and now get to have it all.

Lorelai raised her glass. "I know my speech might have been a little sentimental, but my other draft got covered in wine and I figured talking about smearing Rory's bagel and Jess' hair gel wasn't exactly wedding worthy. Cheers you two. I hope fifty years from now you'll still be the old boring couple who sits at home doing crossword puzzles and fights over watching Almost Famous for the thousandth time. That is what true love is all about."

Rory smiled at her mom and mouthed "Awesome speech." Lorelai tried to smile back without crying, proud that she had made it the entire speech without busting out into song or just crying "My baby is gone."

Luke stood up, prepared to make his speech. He was so frickin prepared.

"In case anyone doesn't know, I am Luke Danes, Jess' uncle.

Jess is a man who knows what he wants. He wanted Rory Gilmore, and he got her, not once, but twice. The first time, he fought the floppy haired giant and won, which was a bit shocking to everyone since he was five foot eight of nothing but hair gel and sarcasm. I swear many birds died getting stuck in that hair.

But anyways, I guess he got Rory with his charm. Or his stalking. Or maybe it's that shared love of reading they have. I always figured they'd suffer a tragic death because they'd be too busy with their faces stuck in a book that they'd walk into traffic."

"Or with their faces plastered on each other!" Lorelai bellowed.

"But let's not get into those morbid details. In the face of the proverbial door being slammed in his face over and over, Jess never gave up on Rory and finally, after years of me kicking his ass, he became a man worthy of her love. It was almost like overnight he grew up and became the bright, clean, ready for love version of Jess.

And thank god for second chances, or the burning of his leather jacket would have been unnecessary. Rory gave Jess his second chance and look where it got them: to the altar. They overcame their past to have a future. Jess finally fought all the monsters and fire-breathing dragons and got Rory out of her Ivy covered tower.

I never thought I'd have a reason to use multiple metaphors in my life, but I stand corrected."

Luke raised his glass, prepared to make the final toast. "To Rory and Jess, Stars Hollow true love story that doesn't involve a dance hall prostitute and a made up story. This is the kind of story that counts."

* * *

A flash. A click. This had been going on for the past two minutes as Rory and Jess circled around the dance floor to "To Be Alone With You." Rory was finally happy with her first dance song selection. Jess didn't care if they danced to "Rock Lobster"; he officially had the girl.

Jess rolled his eyes. "Do they seriously have to keep taking pictures?"

"It's what we paid them to do."

"But this is supposed to be our moment."

Rory pulled Jess closer to her, so they could speak at a volume only heard by the other. "So, we're officially husband and wife."

"It looks that way."

"So how does it feel being Mr. Gilmore?"

"I have this overwhelming desire to eat pure coffee grounds and talk about myself for the rest of the night."

Rory playfully hit Jess' arm. "Do you want your balls back?'

"You can keep my melons. I chose to marry you. I read the fine print. My balls and I already had a bittersweet farewell."

"I can't believe we are talking about your balls during our first dance."

"The foreplay had to start at some point. Why not while we are surrounded by your closest family and friends and Luke."

"Your game of footsie during the best man and maid of honor speeches was getting a little out of hand."

"You know I like to get a head start."

"But it's not like you haven't met Mary Tyler Moore before. Tonight is just like any other night when two big fat whores get married."

"When did you start paying me for my services?"

"Your services? Please. I should get paid double. I do all the work."

"Uh, the one with the penis does all the work. Proven fact. Do we need to have a little anatomy review tonight?"

"Nah, we can just go home and cuddle. There is no need for intercourse."

Jess laughed. "Did you just say intercourse?"

Rory sighed. "Come on Jess, sex on your wedding night is such a cliché. It's not like I'm Marie Antoinette and your are Louis and our family is going to be watching you pop my cherry hoping that your mighty sperm make a connection with my fertile eggs. Did you know that in some cultures you actually put down a towel and give the father the blood stain from popping his daughter's cherry?"

"Sadly, I wasn't present during your popping or I would have documented proof that I devirginized Gilmore."

"Don't be an ass."

"Are we seriously going to fight on our wedding day?

"Oh look, they're playing the Beach Boys. Good memories, right Jess?"

"Rory, does the phrase happiest day of your life ring a bell?"

Rory breathed. "Jess, I'm pregnant."

Jess laughed. " If you don't want to have sex tonight, that's cool. No need to go and say crazy things."

Rory got her serious face on. "I'm being serious Jess. Your sperm are quite mighty."

Jess blinked a few times. He let go of Rory's hand and just stood there, in silent shock.

The photographer rushed over, pushing Rory and Jess back together. "Rory, Jess, get closer. You'll want to remember this day forever."

Jess swatted the guy's hands away. "No more pictures."

"We're paid until five. Now get together and look pretty. This is the best day of your life."

Rory and Jess awkwardly danced to "God Only Knows."

"You can be mad. I understand. This wasn't a part of the plan."

"You can't make a pro/con list for this one."

"I did, when I was 17. Sex always wins."

"So we're pregnant."

"With a baby."

"I'm glad it's a baby." Jess finally looked her in the eye. "How long have you been in this condition?"

Rory laughed. "You mean sperminated?"

"That sounds like you're infected."

"I feel infected."

"So how long?"

"I think it was about a month or so ago on your couch."

"When I used the altoids."

"Yes!"

"Something weird always happens when I use the altoids."

"I know. This baby was created by altoids."

"And a few other fluids."

Rory paused. "So, what are your feelings?"

Jess thought for a moment. How did he feel? He never thought he was the kind of guy to get married. Now he was an almost daddy. A dad. He was going to have a kid. Scary as hell or what?"

"I'm in."

Rory beamed. "Really?"

"If you're in, I'm in."

"This is such a relief. I wasn't sure what your reaction would be. I played a thousand scenarios in my mind, many involving you asking for a paternity test, which let me tell you, made the wedding night super awkward. But this one, this response was just…"

Jess broke off her rambling with a searing kiss that would burn any camera lens that tried to capture the moment.

"Take the picture! Take the picture!" The photographer's assistant shouted.

Rory touched her lips "…perfect."

"That word is being thrown around quite a bit today." Jess wiggled his eyebrows. "So sex tonight?"

"It's so on."

"I hear pregnancy only makes you grow hornier."

"Kind of like absence."

"So if I was missing and you were pregnant?

"The sex we would have wouldn't be legal in the state of Connecticut."

"Good thing there is always Philadelphia."

"Oh the things we would do on the Liberty Bell."

"Ben Franklin would be so proud."

* * *

Lorelai walked up to Luke, who was standing alone, admiring Rory and Jess in a non-creepy fashion.

"So, you wanna dance, you know, for old times sake?" Lorelai asked.

"You're all about memories tonight, huh?"

"Like I said, I've gone sentimental."

"Your speech wasn't half bad. More serious than I expected."

"I had the help of Ryan Seacrest and lots of coffee. What about you? When did you become an eloquent orator?"

"I just choose to not share my orating skills with the world."

"Wise move, Danes."

"We are on a last name basis, tonight?"

"It fits with the old Hollywood theme I'm jiving with. So, want to dance before the happy couple rides off in their carriage?"

Luke just smiled and followed Lorelai out to the dance floor.

"To this day, your dance skills still impress me, Danes."

"Your left feet seem to be getting a bit better, Gilmore."

"Hey, I never had left feet. You just couldn't keep up with me."

"It's hard to keep up when you stand on my feet the entire night."

"That was once. And you kicked my shin."

"Because you wanted me to flip you."

Lorelai smiled.

"No flipping tonight, Gilmore. This isn't Bandstand."

Luke and Lorelai danced a bit longer in silence until Luke brought up the untouchable subject.

"So, how are you taking the day?"

"My plan was to get so drunk I didn't realize what was happening but Emily has been monitoring my alcohol intake. I want to send her to monitor Lohan. She'd have that girl sober and wearing pearls within a week."

"So your mother scared you into sobriety?"

"That and I figured I shouldn't deliver my MOH speech in slurring tongue."

"Because most people don't speak drunk."

"Only the Osbournes are fluent."

"Well, I think we did good, with Rory and Jess."

"Jess is no longer leaving his best girl home on a Saturday night."

"Rory isn't pregnant."

Lorelai gave the wide-eyed, don't ask me another question about that topic look to Luke. "Well, after tonight, I am no longer keeper of her uterus."

"I still remind Jess that her chastity belt should stay locked at all times."

"And you think he listens?"

"It gives me comfort believing Rory does not sit on top of Jess and there are no socks hanging on the door."

Lorelai sighed. "I just hope they're happy."

"Me too. Jess deserves it." Luke paused. "They both do. They're great kids."

Lorelai looked a bit solemn. "They really do look happy. I've never seen Jess smile before."

"I didn't know his face was able to do that."

"I thought it was frozen in a dumb looking stupor."

Luke stopped dancing with Lorelai and hugged her.

Lorelai looked a bit stunned. "What was that for?"

Luke shrugged. "Just wanted to."

"You, Luke Danes, just wanted to hug me? You hate any showing of emotion. And you definitely don't do hugs."

"I guess today is a day for change."

"One door closes, Luke starts hugging."

"Something like that."

* * *

Richard tapped Jess on the shoulder. "Would you mind if I danced with my granddaughter for a moment?"

"Only if I can dance with Emily."

"I don't think you want to do that."

"I second that Jess. You don't want to do that." Rory added.

"You'd rather let vultures slowly peck out your eyes than do that."

"You'd rather be stuck in a phone booth surrounded by psycho birds than do that."

"I think I can handle the Dragon Lady."

Richard raised his eyebrow. "The what?"

Jess looked sheepish. "I mean, I think I can handle Mrs. Gilmore."

"Well, if you feel so inclined, go ask her. She is sitting over there staring at her hamburger. I think she is trying to make it become fish with her mind."

When Jess left to go ask Emily for a dance, Rory poked her grandfather. "How could you let him do that? It's suicidal."

"I know. It's pure madness. But I'd like to see where this goes."

"I'll tell you where it goes; me being a widow on day two of the marriage."

"There are plenty of suitable men in Hartford with nice trust funds, Rory. We can find someone who dabs virtually in golf to take his place."

Rory shook her head. "So, what did you want to talk about?"

"Is it a crime to want to dance with the bride?"

"No."

"Your wedding was lovely."

"Thank you. What did grandma say?"

"Oh you know, she was conflicted."

"That's one way to put it."

"But did you notice that she was crying?"

"I did! And they weren't tears of sorrow!"

"On the inside, I think she is thrilled you are married. But, you didn't involve her in the process. And you sprung Jess on her. You know your grandmother. She needed to know the boy for at least two years before she even hinted for you to think about marriage. You thinking about marriage without consulting her to someone she knew nothing about and to someone whose mother she did not play bridge with was like Lorelai all over again. You know how Lorelai makes her feel. She thought you were different, and this whole marriage just proves you aren't." Richard stopped for a moment and smiled. "Which is not a bad thing. You're a beautiful, independent, successful woman. You're like a Hepburn, with a huge dash of your mother. And we love that about you. But this all just scared your grandmother so she took it out on the one person she didn't know."

Rory finished the thought for him. "Jess."

"Exactly."

"Grandma is a complicated woman."

"Who serves pot roast on Sundays. It's very conflicting for a man. But I love her."

"Me too. And mom."

"Maybe you should tell her that sometime."

* * *

On the other side of the equation, Jess had shockingly goaded Emily into dancing with him.

"No, you're doing it all wrong. It's a waltz, not the mambo."

"Sorry, Mrs. Gilmore."

She huffed. "Didn't you have to learn how to dance for a ball or function or as an escort for a debutante?"

Jess shook his head.

"What about for pleasure?"

"I'm white."

"Is Fred Astaire black? Did I miss something all these years?"

"Well, I'm not planning on grabbing my umbrella and singing in the rain tomorrow."

"But you must know how to dance. A woman needs a man who can't dance like a fish needs a bicycle."

"I don't think that is how the saying goes."

"It is how it should. Dancing is key to any good relationship. I will not have my granddaughter married to a man who doesn't know the difference between the cha-cha slide and the waltz. Even the diner man knows how to waltz."

"Rory isn't exactly Doris Day on the dance floor."

"It doesn't matter. The man leads. The man sets the tone. I'll let you in on a little secret. I would not agree to marry Richard until I knew whether or not he could spin me without throwing me into the wall."

"Dancing is for the Brady's and Madonna."

"Prince Charming knows how to dance."

"I'm not Prince Charming."

"You certainly are. You are married to my granddaughter. You are her Prince Charming and if we have to, we will stay on this dance floor until you learn how to properly waltz."

Jess was about to say something when Emily cut him off. "And don't make a snide remark about how this is your wedding night or I will slap your once was monosyllabic mouth."

Jess shook his head at this madness.

But he knew he had to get in good with Emily some way.

"I'm kind of starting to be somewhat okay with you." Emily muttered, loud enough for Jess to hear, but quiet enough that he knew she wanted him to pretend he hadn't.

That Emily Gilmore sure was a complicated woman.

* * *

Rory was staring at the ginormous diamond ring that was sitting on her left ring finger. She had forgotten to squee! in front of everyone when Jess put this sucker on her finger. It was Paris Hilton worthy. It was J. Lo worthy. It was like Ben Affleck, pre being awesome and P. Diddy went together and bought her a ring.

Oh yeah, Jess was getting some.

"It's important for a man to have good taste in diamonds."

Rory was knocked out of her daze by her grandmother, who had snuck up behind her. "It is an awesome rock, isn't it?"

Emily grabbed her hand, examining it even further. "It's an exquisite cut. I'm shocked he knows how to buy jewelry." Emily paused for a moment. "Not that he is unable of buying jewelry. Jess just doesn't seem like the jewelry buying type. I would peg him for the kind who would think diamonds are ridiculous."

"I made sure I reminded him everyday that diamonds are a girl's best friend."

"I guess Jess isn't as slow as I thought he was."

"He isn't half bad, if you give him a chance."

"His dancing skills are almost sufficient."

"I saw you two were waltzing."

"Trying to waltz. Jess isn't exactly light on his feet."

"He fashions himself as Hemingway."

Emily was puzzled. "Meaning?"

"He'd rather punch a guy in a bar than dance in the streets."

"Well, I don't think he'll be dancing in the streets anytime soon but if you ever brought him to one of my functions, he would at least be respectable."

Rory smiled. "Thanks."

"Oh, it's not a problem. Every man needs to know how to dance. It is more important than knowing how to tie a tie or buying diamonds."

"You can just wear a clip on and go to Tiffany's."

"But no one can dance for you."

"Even Britney Spears dances for herself."

"If Britney can do it, anyone can." Emily paused. "I'm happy for you, dear."

Rory beamed. "Thanks. I'm happy for me too."

"You look positively radiant. I've come to terms with the fact that Jess is good for you. Sorry it took me so long."

"Mom is still mourning the loss of Prince William as my future husband. You have come to terms with the Jess factor much quicker."

"He reminds me of the diner man. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet."

Rory laughed. "Don't tell Luke or Jess that. They deny sharing DNA, much less their personality disorder." Rory stopped and changed her voice to a whisper. "But I agree, they are almost like father and son."

Emily laughed.

"And grandma?"

"Yes?"

"I didn't mean to shut you out of this part of my life. I just… I was afraid you wouldn't approve and then I procrastinated telling you and it just became one big stupid mess of miscommunication. Mom and I don't try to make you feel like the elephant man."

"I don't try to make you think I disapprove. It is just my nature."

"I know."

"You're a lot more like me than you'll ever admit, you know? Stubborn, perfect, a small annoyance to your mother."

"Well, it won't be so bad growing to be like you."

"I am the most popular woman in my DAR group."

"And you have the best suits, although this one is a little…"

"Black."

"That was the word I was looking for. It's a little black."

"At least I didn't wear white."

Lorelai popped out of nowhere with the always reliable martini in her hand.

"What did I miss?"

Rory stuck her left hand out. "This."

"That is one giant rock."

"Rory's dainty hands might not be able to support it." Emily loved to show off her wit when she could.

"Oh, I'll do hand exercises if needed. I will wear this baby everywhere I go. Gas station bathrooms, you'll see me, flaunting the bling."

Emily shivered in disgust. "Never stop at one of those seedy gas stations to go to the restroom. There are crabs just sitting on the toilet, waiting for you."

Lorelai was still astonished by the hardware on her daughter's hand. "Jess must have sold all his blood to afford this thing."

"Maybe someone died and he came into some money." Emily reasoned.

"Maybe he sold his soul."

"Or maybe, Jess is a gigolo!" Lorelai giggled.

"And this is my cue to leave you girls." Emily kissed Rory's cheek and turned to leave but quickly turned back. "I'm really looking forward to being a great-grandmother."

And with that, Emily Gilmore was gone.

Lorelai turned back. "You told her?"

"Stop the bug eyes. No. I'm guessing the grandchildren comment is kind of like the 'would you like help choosing a china pattern comment' from grandma. It equals approval."

"Did you drop the iceberg to Jess?"

"Yes, and his Titanic gracefully avoided the berg."

"He must be an expert steerer."

"Or I am a good sea captain."

"This wasn't planned."

"True, but maybe I managed expectations."

"And how did you do that? Tell him the cabbage patch kid was returnable at any time if he felt like backing out? I know I raised you like a pro, but you didn't come out of the uterus wearing a leather jacket with a love for hair gel."

"I just came out addicted to coffee."

"So what if your bottles were forty percent coffee sixty percent milk? You're as normal as I wanted you to be."

"Mothers have way too much power."

"But men have the ultimate power. They control the sperm."

"The diamond almost makes up for the spermination."

Lorelai waved her hands around in the air. "See, this is the problem. Women can be bought off with diamonds! Forget about the excruciating pain of nine pounds barreling down the birthing canal. Your man went to Tiffany's!"

"What can I say, I am easily bought off."

"You should have been a part of Watergate."

Rory giggled. "I'm married! I'm married! I'M MARRIED!"

Lorelai laughed. "You're an idiot. Marriage has made you stupid."

"Jess will have to teach me a few things tonight."

"Ew, don't do that! Sometimes I think you forget I am your mother."

"It's kind of hard to forget who gave you life." Rory smiled at her mother, a beautiful, simple, genuine smile.

Lorelai took both hands and put them on Rory's cheeks, just making Rory smile further. It was an adorable moment between mother and daughter.

"Mother."

"Offspring."

"You're awesome."

"And you're not so bad yourself."

"Why thank you. You did a not so shabby job, if I do say so myself."

"Cheerio, dear."

"Completely wrong use."

"What if I started drinking my tea with my pinky pointed out and wore a crown all the time, while saying 'Jolly ole London'?"

Rory turned up her nose. "I don't think the British like the pseudo British. They don't even like their own kind. They want to have Amy Winehouse deported."

"Well she does wear a beehive."

"And she is not a B-52's girl."

"And she eats young children."

Lane interrupted their little rant on Amy Winehouse to call the happy couple back to the dance floor.

"For the final dance of the night, if you know how to shake what your momma gave you, join Rory and Jess on the pseudo dance floor."

Jess groaned. "First, I have to wear a bow tie, which by the way, not easy to tie."

"I know. I tied it for you."

Jess ignored Luke's little dig. "Then there were the painful vows that made me feel...naked. I don't enjoy feeling naked. Then there is the flashing of cameras in my face that made my wedding like a scene from _Hostel_. And now, there is dancing. Again."

Jess noticed Rory was cheerfully skipping toward him. Yes, it was cheerful skipping.

She put her hand out for him to take. He obliged.

Jess situated his one hand on her hip and took her hand with his other. "This better be the last time we have to do this for at least ten years."

"When you get married, you have to do things you don't want to do."

"Like share your books with someone who spills coffee on every page."

"Or with someone who writes every single thought in the margins thinking they sound profound."

"I thought you liked my margin thoughts?"

"I lied."

"Well, I hate watching you eat."

"You said I was cute."

"I lied. You're like a big food vacuum."

Rory shook her head. "Marriage is full of lies."

"And sacrifice. I have to love you even if you get grossly obese and try out for _The Real World_. That's going to be hard."

"I have to love you how you are now. That's hard."

Rory and Jess both smiled at their sparring of words. They really were cut off for this marriage thing.

Jess segued into the next topic in a somewhat nonchalant tone. "So, did you get the key I sent you?"

Rory was a little shocked. "You sent me the mysterious key in the mysterious box?"

Jess nodded.

"Why would you send me a key? This isn't going to be something stupid like 'Rory, it's the key to my heart' is it?"

"I just thought you might want a key to my apartment, you know, while we are looking for a house."

"We're looking for a house?"

"My apartment is kind of a craphole, if you haven't noticed..."

"But it has charisma."

Jess ignored Rory's comment and continued. "And I thought, you know, we need our own place."

"Where we can have monogrammed towels in the bathroom?"

"That, and a yard. I think our little astronaut in there is going to want a yard, so it can have a sandbox or whatever kids like to play in."

Rory smiled. "You have been thinking about this."

"It's not like I have a house picked out or anything."

"You want a white picket fence and apple pie and golden retrievers and matching jogging suits and a sandbox."

"I wasn't saying we go live in suburbia. I just think a place with more than one bedroom and hot water might make sense, you know, since we are now supposed to be upstanding married people."

"A house would be nice."

"But no white picket fence."

"Okay."

"And no 'can I borrow a cup of sugar' neighborhoods. I can't handle neighbors like Samantha and Darrin had."

"I don't think we can build our kid a playground in the hood, unless we put bullet proof glass around it."

"I didn't say I wanted to live in the hood. Just not in some stereotypical neighborhood full of soccer moms and undersexed men."

Rory giggled. "You want it all."

"With you. That's the important part. Without you, I'd still be holed up in Craphole living off of ramen noodles."

"In non-craphole we will banish ramen noodles."

"You love ramen noodles."

"I'll eat them in secret. I'll hide in the closet."

"Eating your ramen noodles in the closet. Now that's love."

* * *

**One week later.**

Rory and Jess had been shacked up in Craphole Apartment for a week living off of ramen noodles, stale pizza and ice cream.

To pretend they were in Paris, Rory played French music and ran out to McDonald's to buy a weeks supply of French fries. At night, they would break chocolate bars up in their coffee (Jess and Rory compromised on only one cup per day) and watch some raunchy French film that made subtitles unnecessary because of the insane amount of sex these people were having. It was so gross and hairy it became hysterical.

Rory had started the week only speaking French, but her fake Parisian accent was worse than her pseudo British accent and she only knew how to ask for more wine and the directions to Johnny Depp's house.

They would take a break from the absurdness of this 'honeymoon' to eat toaster strudel and watch _Deal or No Deal_.

Rory had tried to get Jess to wear a beret, but when she wasn't looking, he burned the beret. It just didn't look good on him.

"I think we need to light one more candle."

Jess reached for the lighter. "No. No more candles. You can't recreate the ambience of the Eiffel Tower with candles. You almost lit me on fire last night."

"I didn't know your sheets were so flammable."

"And now my room smells like a mixture of cotton, coffee and clorox."

"Yeah, I kind of spilt that entire bottle of wine this morning."

"You spilt an entire bottle of wine?"

"It was like three dollar wine from the gas station. If you want, we can let some grape juice sit in a cup for a few days. It'll taste the same."

Jess shook his head. "I hate pretend honeymoons."

Rory gave Jess the infamous puppy dog eyes. "Can I light one more candle, please?"

"But I want to sleep. You kind of killed me this week."

"You're so lame. If you are tired after a week of just sex, how are you going to handle marriage?"

"Believe me, I like sex. I'm a firm believer in doing it, a lot. But you've been insane. You hump my leg at like two in the afternoon when the _Price is Right_ is on."

"It's our honeymoon. We're supposed to be like bunny rabbits."

"This bunny rabbit needs a break."

"I wasn't going to make you do anything tonight anyways."

"Good; that'd be awkward."

Rory and Jess laid down on their bed, surrounded by candles.

"What if I have to go the bathroom?" Jess mused.

"Don't go to the bathroom."

"I can't not go to the bathroom."

"You're such a baby. This is supposed to be romantic."

"I feel like I'm on _Fear Factor_."

"Being stuck in bed with me is like being locked in a treasure chest full of spiders and hypodermic needles?"

"When surrounded by candles, yes."

Rory sighed. "Can we just lay like this for a few minutes? I like the ambience."

"Fine. But if I fall asleep, don't think that is an invitation to light more candles." Jess took the lighter from Rory and put it under him.

Rory pouted. "Not fair. I'll just have to frisk you if I want the lighter."

Jess rolled his eyes. "Night Rory."

Rory leaned over and kissed his nose. He turned to look at her for a moment.

"This is a little weird." Jess commented.

"Yeah, who knew silently facing each other would be so uncomfortable."

"I'm going to turn the other way."

"Bonne nuit, Jess."

Jess and Rory were laying in silence for a few moments.

"Rory, Jess, I think you are out of coffee!" Lorelai bellowed from the kitchen.

"How long is your mom staying again?"

"It's just a hard adjustment for her."

"It was hard for me to adjust to her in our bed the other night."

"She'll be gone in a few days, I promise."

"She can't live with us. She knows that, right?"

"Of course she does." Rory laughed manically. "Okay, maybe she doesn't know that she can't come over and spend the night whenever she wants but I'm married now so it's just an adjustment period."

"She is going to want to have sleepovers all the time."

"Yeah." Rory said much too slowly for Jess' liking.

Lorelai poked her head in the door.

"Rory do you want to..." She trailed off when she noticed the candles all around the room. "Oh, am I interrupting the Eiffel Tower sex?"

Jess groaned, putting a pillow over his face.

"See Jess, mom gets it."

"Then marry your mother."

"Unfortunately that is not legal, Jess." Lorelai smarted.

"No mom, we're taking a night off. What do you want?"

"I thought maybe we could watch that really dirty French movie again. I love when he compares her bosom to ten year old cheese."

Rory looked between her mom and Jess. Jess just nodded.

"Yay!" Lorelai squealed. "Night, Jess."

"Night, Lorelai."

Rory and Lorelai left the room to go have a sleep over. In his apartment. His new wife was having a sleep over with her mom in his apartment. Yeah, not weird at all.

It wasn't weird when Lorelai kicked him out of their bed last night so they could have 'girl talk.'

The couch was so comfortable.

"Nope, not weird at all." Jess muttered to himself.

But what can a guy do? They're the Gilmore Girls. No penis will get in the way of their fun.

* * *

**End Author's Note: **So that is it. It's over. Everyone, come together for a group hug. My heart is gently weeping right now.

Okay. I am all better. I am excited to have completed _The Wedding Monster_. I'm not here for a love fest but there is a lack of funny on this site when it comes to the fiction, so I hope I kept my word and my internal promise and kept bringing the funny. It's hard to write vows, MOH and Best Man speeches without being somewhat serious. I found those parts of the chapter and the wedding in general very challenging because I wanted to take it somewhat seriously and make it, I don't know, pretty I guess is the word I am looking for. I wanted the wedding to be pretty and not just plain retarded.

And vows. Oh my god. So awful to write. Such a dumb idea to have my characters be creative. I will bash my head in the wall for that decision after I get out of the fetal position.

And don't worry; Rory didn't drink the wine that was spilt. She just likes to get Jess drunk. It makes things easier.

**Reviewers**: I know I've said this tons, but I love you guys like twenty dollar whores. Oh yeah, I'd pay twenty bucks for all of you! You are the most awesome readers ever for following this fic. I feel like I should insert some lame Journey song to end our love with, but alas, I do not have that technology.

I'm quite excited about my ideas for the next story I am going to pen. I have two ideas rolling around in my head right now, both made of awesome in my mind, so it is hard to choose. But I hope you'll follow me, even if the fic isn't exactly all funny. Of course I'll never go to StupidVille, but one of my ideas is going to be deliciously catty, if I go through with it, and scandalous. But oh so very funny, at least I hope.

Again, thanks! This experience was made of awesome.


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